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When Ginny was five, so I'm told, There was a young man of Lake Placid, (It now appears that nitric acid is the nuerotransmitter)
How he cried when he lost the election, To help you enjoy senility, There was an old fellow of Fife, Gripes a live-sex-show star, "It's perverse A randy old satyr of Friant Someone says we should pity A pervy young fellow named Morse The prick of a fellow named Slaughter Peter's percy's kaput like dead Granger. "I can't keep a flame on my wick," An over-fucked fellow named Springer A good friend would certainly pardon A vulgar sex kitten of Kent It would watch me when I combed my hair. There was a young maid said "Oh Hell! A joli jeune joujou in Ghent There was an old codger named Mort, A newlywed man raised a clamor, The latest invention by Zeast-- A fellow in Arlington said, In my youth, on the beach on Cape Cod, There was a young lad named Bengie, An African native named Simba An old man asked his shrink for some checks There once was a bride named Croft A Russian who'd recently defected, A poet, by name, Rowdy Jack An ill-equipped braggart named Wertz, There was an Old Man of Corfu, "If your digger would only get hard more," He had Liz McCool spread on the bed, He gets through a bottle a show, Sobbed a guy, "Though for sex I am vaunted, There was an old sheik named Al Hassid, Though it seems to appear without warning There was an old man who said, "Tush! A cavalry man they called Teddy Said a thrice-tested man named Landis, (mutatis mutandis - ?? )
I'm trying my best, you can bet, Said she, "Please excuse my timidity." It's not like I've totally tossed it, "You price -- is it firm?" asked young Croft, It was rather too much of the swizzle (stirring
motion) To arouse the old ruler, a chick You can't blame me, dear husband, for scorning Said old Kate to her crock of a kettle, I used to be proud of its size, A concert musician named Liszt I once knew a sexual martyr -- There was a young fellow named Bliss, (this is printed vertically - McW)
Said Lizzie to Pericles Smart When erections start to fail Said an old lama high in Tibet, When cataracts make nearness less lit John Miller, I really must hail "I will tell you the truth, dear Virginia. When out on a date, Mr. Riffer There was a young fellow named Leif, It just doesn't work anymore. There was a fine dandy, Beau Geste, A fourteen inch dong had Bill Med. Last St. Patrick's Day near Kerry Head," "Oh dear!" said a fellow named Fred There was a young longhorn named Lew,
She found little Larry could fold
This thingy in half.
'Twas good for a laugh.
It's funny still, now that they're old.
--- H Welchel
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
When he wanted to sport,
He would have to resort
To injections of sulfuric acid.
--- Anon
Claiming his life has lost its direction.
It all started after
He swallowed some plaster
To firm a sagging erection.
--- TP9802
The next time you have rigidity,
Before it will slack,
A coat of shellac.
Or if you prefer, photigraphy.
--- Irving Superior P8509
Who lived a lascivious life.
When his organ was limp,
Like an overboiled shrimp,
He brought what was left to his wife.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0331
To the point where I mutter and curse.
Does the public expect
I can always erect,
When my co-stars insist we rehearse?"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Reached an age when his tool got so pliant,
He was forced to quit messing;
He cried, "It's depressing.
And them whores have sure lost a good client!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 95
A person who is not as witty.
When your Johnson goes limp,
That makes you wimp;
Then all I can say is "Tough Titty!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Is said to be hung like a horse.
But it won't erect,
That's why, I suspect,
He'd trade for a small one like yours.
--- Blowcephus TP9802
No longer would stand like it ought-ter.
He finally solved
His case, though involved:
He soaked the damned thing in hard water.
--- Armand E Singer 849
His pecker's been laid in a manger.
Pickled by piper,
Misfired, he's no sniper.
I'll offer my swollen Lone Ranger.
--- Anon
Said the patient regarding his prick.
"Quick fix my limp dickie --
I'm late for a quickie!
Here's tape and a popsicle stick."
--- Bob Leclerc
Had lost all the life in his zinger.
So he fucked with his nose
And by twiddling his toes,
And sometimes he fucked with his finger.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2317
The things that went on in my garden;
My girl did her nails
And practiced her scales
While waiting for something to harden.
--- Norm Storer P9812
Exclaimed when her husband's prick bent:
"Well, I wanted a fuck,
But I'm shit out of luck--
Ain't there hard cocks some place I can rent?"
--- G1812
It was virile and active, mon cher.
Now it watches (bad news),
As I tie both my shoes.
Oh when will it end, this nightmare?
--- Al Willis P9607
I won't try to ensorcell
Or even bewitch
The son-of-a-bitch!
Trouble is, his member won't swell!"
--- Barb
Told her client, "Despite your intent
To put on un gran party,
How the hell can you, smarty,
With a marteau that's withered and bent?"
--- Grand Prix Lim 902
Who with a young thing did cavort.
And when he was tried,
His attorney denied,
Saying the evidence won't stand up in court.
--- David B T9707a
For nude, his new bride had no glamor.
But she countered, "You simp,
You're revoltingly limp;
It's like driving a worm with a hammer."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0421
For those whose erections have ceased,
Lie next to your love;
My gadget above
And from it will sprinkle down yeast.
--- Irving Superior P9304
As he happily hopped into bed,
"Impotence is frightful
But I think it's delightful,
Since it's YOUR HUSBAND that's dead!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 748
All the girls in the sand gave a nod.
As they each asked,
I bent to the task;
Now I've only a bend in my rod.
--- Tom Patton P9607
Whose dong was unusually bendly.
Having grown out of that,
The ladies in chat
Now say that he'is awfully friendly.
--- Anon
Showed the missionaries wife his bimba.
With a smile on her face,
Bare of heavenly grace,
She said, "Simba, your bimba so limba!"
--- MrMalo
Why his pecker was under a hex.
Said his shrink, "It's not dead --
It's all in your head.
Your brain is your organ of sex."
--- Al Chaplin P9410
And the groom had two inches when soft.
When she made the dick rise,
It stayed the same size.
Little wonder the bride got pissed-off!
--- Laurence Craft
Was feeling down and rather dejected.
His withered up cock,
Once as hard as a rock,
Had trouble even getting erected.
--- Anon
Was giving his willy a whack;
On the twenty-first stroke,
He pause for a Coke,
But alas, his poor willy went slack!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose prick stays so limp, it inverts,
Never fails to affirm
As he inserts his worm,
"Now honey, just yell if it hurts."
--- Armand E Singer 565
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed around town,
Till the damned thing went down
By itself, without any to-do.
--- Edwardian Leer 026
Cried the sultry young cookie from Ardmore,
"Nights would be a delight
If you'd shovel just right...
You could spade the spot in my front yard more!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 762
And as Freddy bestrode her, she said,
"I wish Mister McCool
Could see what's a REAL tool,
For that peanut he packs is half-dead!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 298
This is file tql
Which makes his performance quite slow.
In one sense that's fine
But you can cross the line--
It's hard for a soft gigolo!
--- Bob Turvey P0504
A horrible hex has me haunted.
In the sexual tussle
I can stiffen each muscle,
Except the one muscle most wanted!"
--- G0480
Whose tool had become very placid.
Before each injection,
To get an erection,
He had to immerse it in acid.
--- L1170
Getting old is a subject I'm scorning;
Since much is the same,
And today I can claim
It's hard getting up in the morning.
--- Anon
My balls always hang in the brush,
And I fumble about,
Half in and half out,
With a pecker as limber as mush."
--- L0254
Was know to be bold, rough, and ready,
In his warring campaigns --
But when whoring with dames,
His rifle was limp as spaghetti.
--- Brian Belge
"Don't mourn, dear. You know how a gland is.
If you'll just use your head,
You'll fine 'limp' is not 'dead':
It will still serve mutatis mutandis."
--- John Ciardi
To use words that rhyme with nymphet.
But I'm getting old;
My blood is now cold,
And I need an erect-or set.
--- Al Willis P9603
Said he, "It's just goddamn frigidity!"
Then she sobbed, "Oh my dear,
It would disappear,
If your tool had more goddamn rigidity!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Although for the moment I've lost it;
But I am damn certain
Some bimbo-type flirtin'
Is all that's required to defrost it.
--- Norm Storer P9701
While fondling her ass in the loft.
She said, "Why you worm,
It's got to be firm;
It will never go in if it's soft."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1479
Which made their coition a fizzle,
For try as he would
The guy never could
Get a properly adamant pizzle. (pizzle - animal penis)
--- A N Wilkins P8801
Tried to stiffen his cock with a lick.
Said the ruler, "This nation
Is in rampant inflation,
But it seems to have bypassed my prick."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0419
A cock that just shrinks without warning.
If you had a tiddly
As game as my widdly,
I'd keep you plugged in until morning.
--- Jim Weaver Coll G0178
"Sure you're not in the finest of fettle.
But your spout isn't slack
Like my poor husband Jack;
Pity his wasn't made out of metal!
--- Maurice O'Brien
When it pointed straight up to the skies;
But it's less than an inch
Now. I gave it a pinch,
But I cannot get much of a rise.
--- Anon
Had a strange anatomical twist.
It hung to his knees,
And swung in the breeze,
But it only would work when he pissed.
--- G0381
A softy who never grew harder.
He said, "Well, it ain't
That I'm some kind of saint --
It's just that my thing's out of order. (ardor?)
--- Neal Wilgus P8302
Whose sex life was strangely amiss.
For even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis,
Would seldom do better then t, h, i, s.
--- Anon
Who claimed, with him, sex was an ART,
"I think you are full
Of that stuff from the bull,
For you still lack the angle to start!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 626
And limp remains your piece of tail,
The Home Cure Wonderland!
She takes you by the hand
And salivates your brad-sized nail.
--- Irving Superior P9107
As he viewed his dead whang with regret:
"Though I no longer jape,
I shan't drape it in crepe,
For it's rare fun to fondle it yet."
--- Grand Prix Lim 895 G2217
And prostates to fingers submit,
To losses from age,
What must well enrage,
Erections that suddenly quit.
--- Irving Superior P9701
The chief, for that wonderful tale.
I once boasted length,
And rhythm and strength,
But impotent now, I just fail.
If I wanted to, I could sure win ya.
Don't judge by tonight
(I am high as a kite.)
And it bent and it wouldn't go in ya..
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Got down on his lady to sniff her.
When she felt his limp meat,
She said, "Better you eat,
For a prick is no good 'less it's stiffer."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0873
Whose erection was swollen but brief.
He would end in despair
With a handful of hair,
And a big bite of tit in his teeth!
--- G0643
The way that it functioned before.
The thought has appeal,
But there is no feel!
Unless it gets caught in a door!
--- Larry Davis P8509
Who approached a young girl with great zest.
But when she had stripped,
And he was unzipped,
The dead bird just stayed in its nest.
--- G0080
In the morgue we looked down at his head.
Said coroner Ikett,
"I have one just like it!"
"You do?" He replied, "Yes! It's dead!"
--- Clarence E Boyle P8906
Said O'Toole, "in a narrow inn bed,
I woke up in the night
In a terrible fright,
And, egad, my shillelagh was dead!"
--- A N Wilkins P9302
As he stripped and he got into bed.
"My calm, it much jangles
That my dingle just dangles
And I fear that I cannot get bred."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Who card read, "Have doodle. Will do."
But the best he could doodle,
Looked like a wet noodle,
In a shoot-out with my sister Sue.
--- John Ciardi
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