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A genealogist and I sat to dine; Accolades are no more, as are cheers. Alas, getting old happens fast. I'm getting deep lines on my forehead. An average person's senescence "Gerontology," Dr. Onassis How long am I gonna be here? My memory's good as they get I'm ninety nine and could just be immortal, I looked in the mirror today, I'm told I've become quite passe. I can't chew; I can't screw; I get gas; If I do I'll defy you to gauge I'll now state, if you won't think me bold I'm getting old timer's disease; I mislay things and it is a grind At eighty, one lives among pills My age does not cause me stressie; Great day, would you look at that sight; I once had a girl friend named Daisy, As we get older, I know To my age I must now acquiesce You cannot deny being "olden", As elan fades away to an ember I'm supposed to see things more maturely; When young, my whole life was a whirl. As I contemplate living in sin, These resorts abound with the old, I'd prefer to have memories rationed; You say that adults have no fun. There once was a fellow named Timothy, (opsimathy - a person who begins to learn late in life)
Wonder of wonder -- you're alive How subtly hath time in his flight The unknown addition was poop, I'm not an old parliamentarian, It ain't necessarily so; When asked tricky questions, Old Riley When two lovers get older than shit, To get old is to live in obscurity, They say that the good all die young; In United States it's all the rage: There was an old person who tended Though Geoffrey will always insist There's a Missouri town called Bad Axe, An octogenarian said, When there's talk in the air of abstaining, A scheming old maid of Versailles She chartered a fast-sailing yacht, A clever ploy here, folks, I sing-o: There was an old lady named Randalls, A prudish old spinster named Lee There was an old lady of Reading, Recently it's been told, don't you know, There was an old lady of Seaton Lucy Ratliff has hit fourscore, Said a senile old lady of Bristol, A spinster Miss Beatrice Gwen, Hot flashes and menopause rage, There was an old hag from Spokane, A snooty old female named Pat There was an old woman named Grace I remember a fellow named Ewing There was an old man named Abe Gluck There once was an old man named Brownie John Miller, by e-mail, debated For just a small cup of Madiera,
He told of researching a line.
It was boring to me
As you plainly can see,
'Cause none of the ancestors were mine.
--- Anon
Recall's frustrated, blocked as by weirs.
Decreased verve, increased pains,
Denied insurance claims,
Are the pyrite in these "Golden Years."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0409
I'm starting to dwell in the past.
Seems I just got over acne,
Now arthritic pains attack me.
Good things just don't seem to last.
--- Kent Hake P9607
My face is becoming quite florid.
I measure with dread
My middle-aged spread.
I think growing old is most horrid.
--- Ron Rubin
Is signaled by marked evenescence
Of vigorous health,
That once was the wealth
Of blossoming fresh adolescence.
--- R J Winkler P8502
Informs his advanced college classes,
"Is a science withal.
It helps people recall
What it is that they did with their glasses."
--- A N Wilkins P8509
Am I getting at least one more year?
Or decades (I pray!)
Or perhaps -- just a day!
It's that very last lap that I fear.
--- Cap'n bean P0307
(It's better than yours, I would bet!)
However, I find
That to save my behind,
I can swallow my pride and "forget!"
--- Anon
If science hurried up (yawn and chortle).
But for now; cryogenia
Is the way I'll be seein' ya.
Otherwise; 'twill be total abortle.
--- Doug Harris P0503
Cried, "Oh! What the hell, go away!"
Can you see a trace
On this stupid face
That next month's the 3-2 birthday?
--- Anon
I've noticed my hair's turning gray.
It don't take a sage
To know, at my age,
Any day above ground's a good day.
--- Observer
All my organs are failing, en masse;
Now it hurts when I pee;
I can't taste, I can't see;
Golden years, you can kiss my old ass.
--- William N Nesbit P9605
(If you like) my approximate age...
...But fuck, I don't care
About age wear and tear;
I prefer to appear like a sage.
--- Anon
This most basic truth on which I'm sold.
Without contradiction,
It's my strong conviction
That longevity makes us grow old.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0109
My breathing sounds more like a wheeze.
I forgot to scrub
The ring from the tub,
And where it was I put my keys.
--- Limericks by Mollyanna
For lost loves and lost car keys I've pined.
I've stopped trying to keep
Any track of lost sheep,
But what I miss most is my mind.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9612 a
For respite from multiple ills.
One's living costs geyser,
One doesn't get wiser,
And one's mail consists mainly of bills.
--- Laurence Perrine P8509
I don't think I'm as old as Bessie.
What causes me greef
And makes me beef,
Is all those candles make my cake messy.
--- Anon
My birthday cake candles are bright!
Whoa! Holy molasses,
I need my sunglasses:
They light up the whole 'Bama night!
--- Anon
But my memory of her is too hazy.
Was she short or tall?
Or large or small?
My dim image of her drives me crazy.
--- William K Alsop Jr
That hearing's the first thing to go.
Then memory is next,
But I'm really quite vexed,
I've forgotten the rest; Ah! Oh no!
--- Anon
But I heed the world's rules less and less.
I have sins to transgress
And more blondes to caress
And no one I need to impress!
--- L E Ott P0206
And your youth was outstandingly "golden".
Get down from the shelf--
Golden Oldie yourself!
To none other, you need be beholden.
--- Laurence Perrine P9207
And the song moves along toward September,
It is strange what life brings;
I'm sure of so few things
And what I'm sure of, I can't remember.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0410
In fact, I see things much more poorly.
Today I turned forty,
Not quite rigor morti,
But I'm getting there, slowly but surely.
--- MrMalo
'Twas my oyster, and I sought the pearl!
Now pearl-less, but older,
And wiser, not bolder--
I guess I've become quite a churl.
--- Stu Lucas P9608
I wonder just where to begin.
Although I am aging,
My hormones are raging;
I've got a damn zit on my chin!
--- Island Singer
Who do nothing but quibble and scold,
Discussing their tumors
And stock market rumors.
They are tangibly covered with mold.
--- George Libaire
Even better they'd be less impassioned.
When seeing old photos
Of folks, clothes, and autos,
At the time, they did not seem old fashioned.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0102
I'm afraid I have news for you, son;
Your hates misdirected;
Our fun is selected.
I know 'cause I'm just sixty one.
--- Alan Chilver
Who was known for excessive opsimathy.
At seventy-four,
He could open a door,
Which he took for a sign of polymathy.
--- Michael Green
That glorious day you turn sixty-five!
Retired from your job,
You are a house slob,
And the place has turned into a dive.
--- Marlene
Waged war on my might and my light.
Now as I grow old
And crave peace, I am told
I must rage, rage against it. GOOD NIGHT!
--- Laurence Perrine P9004
This is file tem
So my apologies to the group.
I blame the pills
I take for my ills,
But senility is the straight scoop.
--- Anon
I'm not a young abecedarian,
I'm not an old fuddy,
Nor yet an old duddy,
I'm a very young sexagenarian.
--- Limber Limericks
Age doesn't always falter, I know.
Several old gaffers
Who hang from the rafters
And swing with the strength of a pro.
--- Luana Nemaste
Would simply reply, very dryly,
"I'm sorry, old bean,
I don't know what you mean,"
Then sidle off home, smiling wryly.
--- Michael Palin
They will scrap that Malthusian kit,
But leave dentures to soak,
In a glass; that's no joke;
If cement slips, somebody gets bit!
--- Anon
A life of reflection and purity.
As you wither and rot,
There's one monthly bright spot --
It's that check from Social Security.
--- Writerman
That's a tenet to which I have clung.
'Cause with my dirty mind,
I think I should find
That I live until 301.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Application of duck tape as you age.
In flesh tone up here,
From your chin to your ear,
People won't guess you're a sage.
--- Anon
To utter, "How perfectly splendid!"
With such a degree
Of inaccuracy,
That acquaintences oft were offended.
--- Anon
He's so young that he's never been kissed.
You should be aware,
He wears rented hair;
His real age is lost in the mist!
--- Robert Pirtle
Where folks don't get down to brass tacks.
As they sit and dither,
Their future will wither,
Until they face up to the facts.
--- William K Alsop Jr
As he aimlessly crawled into bed,
"I now get along
On liquor and song,
And the magazine photos, instead."
--- Lims Unlimited
Of restraint, and constraint, and refraining,
It is normally uttered
By oldsters who puttered
With women and song and champagning.
--- Limber Limericks A
Tried vamping the young Prince of Wales;
She dolled up her clothes,
And powdered her nose,
And manicured Poodle's toe nails.
--- Levi N Fouts P0509
And practiced the latest fox trot;
But the Prince he got wise,
And winked both his eyes,
And out of the city he got.
--- Levi N Fouts P0509
It's really a cracker, by jingo.
If you have a care
To make old ladies swear,
Then stand up and yell the word "Bingo!"
--- Anon
Whose age was the subject of scandals.
When she reached her birth date,
She was just twenty-eight,
Yet she blew for an hour on the candles.
--- Albin Chaplin
Wears dresses a yard past her knee,
Obscuring the skin
On her calves and her shin,
And her ankles, so no one can see.
--- Cap'n Bean P0605
Who never knew where she was heading.
She'd start in the east,
On her way to a feast,
And end in the north at a wedding.
--- Anon
Where all the aging Stepford Wives go.
Perhaps you can guess where.
When they're ancient hardware
They're displayed on the Antique Road Show.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0205
Who asked for a chair, once she'd eaten.
When told by her son
She was sitting on one,
Said she, "It's for putting my feet on."
--- Anon
And we wish her many, many more,
And good health,
And lots of wealth,
And great-grandkids, three or four.
--- William K Alsop Jr
"I own a most dangerous pistol.
I've hid it away
In my upstairs foyer,
Though I'm not sure if that's where it is still."
--- Keith Gilman P0202
Was unable to find any men;
Though never a wife,
She lived a long life,
And she died at a hundred and ten.
--- Cap'n Bean P0209
And memory loss hard to guage.
I should take it in stride,
And just let it ride,
But it's hell getting old at my age!
--- Donna B
Who never could find her a man.
She smeared on so much gook
That she looked like a spook,
And smelled like an old garbage can.
--- Albin Chaplin
Turned her nose up at this and at that.
When neighbors came high her
She turned her nose higher --
When she sneezed, she would blow off her hat.
--- Clifford M Christ P8407
Who moved at a lazy snail's pace.
If you followed behind,
You would soon come to find
That you never would get any place.
--- John Miller
Who spent his life drinking and wooing;
After ninety-nine years
He said through his tears,
"Carousing has been my undoing."
--- Alsops Foibles
Whose life was just filled with hard luck.
Said he, "I was born
'Neath the sign of the horn
With the seat back and tray table stuck."
--- Arthur Deex P9406
Whose face was perpetually frowny.
Everyone said,
(With a bit of true dread)
"That Brownie is kind of a downy..."
--- Gregg Bandor
The era when he was created.
And in one reply,
He did not deny
That he'd have to be carbon-dated.
--- David Miller
John Miller will earn lots of Lira,
For selling his soul
And wrinkled asshole,
During streak in the Pleistocene Era.
--- David Miller
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