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If finding John's age, David, thwarts
You, here's a solution of sorts:
Just pull down his pants,
At his rod take a glance,
And then simply count up the warts.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I must say I'm looking askance
At comments regarding my pants.
If Dave pulls them down,
The warts, which abound,
Might have cause to retreat or advance.
--- John Miller

There was an old miser of Lyme
Who saved every nickel and dime.
He would save anything,
Even pieces of string,
And thought sexual spending a crime.
--- G2408

For your head he has got a big bludgeon;
Always in a state of High Dudgeon.
He'll yell at the trains,
He'll beat out your brains --
You neighbor grey-haired Curmudgeon!
--- George

In the long distant past he'd been carded;
Now he'd take that as being rewarded.
Since his hair has turned white,
He's perceived overnight
As invisible, deaf and retarded.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0303

There was an old fellow from Sidney
Who dined on a pie--steak and kidney.
Then he drank some wine red,
And fell down, quite dead.
Still, he went very happily, didney?
--- Anon

An inebriate old diplomat,
At dinners forgot where he sat.
He'd been given the names
Of his left and right dames,
But he'd wander, in spite of all that.
--- Warrick Elrod

I once spent a weekend in Hove,
With a most unattractive old cove.
He took out his teeth,
And said "I'm Edward Heath!"
But he wasn't - his Y-fronts were mauve.
--- Kevin Hale Q

An octogenarian named Clive
Said he was glad he was still alive.
80 candle birthday cake --
It was not yet a wake;
Like a car he was in overdrive!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

My hair isn't red, white, or yellow;
I am neither callow nor mellow.
I'm living in purity
On social security,
And think I'm a fortunate fellow.
--- Limber Limericks

There was an old man who was cold;
He said, "I have often been told:
Temperatures decline
For a body like mine,
As soon as one starts getting old."
--- Tony Burrell

With inflation you hopelessly vie
While your waistline starts hiding your fly.
And the Law Murphy wrote
Is an everyday quote;
How the days of mid-age scurry by.
--- Irving Superior P9607

An elderly fellow named Beers,
Who's been living some eighty-nine years,
Attributes his health
And his matters of wealth,
To the habits to which he adheres.
--- Cap'n Bean

An elderly fellow named Zack
Complained, "There is something I lack:
A firm guarantee
I'll reach two hundred three,
Will all of me fully intact."
--- Observer

There once was a man who said, "Hey!
Many happy returns of the day!
If I may be so bold,
You are getting quite old,
And soon you'll be haggard and grey."
--- Richard Long

"I support free expression by each
And by all," said an old man named Beach.
"But these urban disasters
They call ghettoblasters!
I do oppose freedom of screech!"
--- A N Wilkins P8509

An elderly fellow named Pete
Died in the summertime heat:
One hundred degrees
With nary a breeze;
It knocked him right off of his feet.
--- Cap'n Bean P0208

I know of a very old stick
Whose wit is ready and quick.
He's been going to plays
Since Edwardian days,
And calls himself "Very Old Vic."
--- Anon

There was an old man from wee Drain,
Who wandered down memory lane.
He said: "I remember
November, September,
But I lost October again."
--- William K Alsop Jr

The late years of life pose a curse,
With the vagaries of age growing worse.
The solution is clear:
Get rid of the beer,
And marry a nurse with a purse.
--- The Sailor P0310

There was an old tramp. nicknamed Bert,
Who spent all his life in the dirt.
He was called many names,
Because he went lame;
He said names couldn't harm him, or hurt.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There was an old man of Milan
Who lived for a ninety-year span;
At the end of his life
He said to his wife,
"Thank goodness, I'm through eating bran."
--- Lims Unlimited

The nurse quickly sought to induce
The elderly fellow named Bruce,
To kindly refrain
From doing again,
Sneezing while drinking prune juice.
--- Observer

Was I forty just ten years ago?
At the time, I was feeling gung ho.
Are my numbers wrong?
Is this my swan song?
My good wife swears that I'm seven O.
--- Al Willis P9607

The nursing home's silence was shattered
And all of the nursing staff scattered
When old geezer Stoner
Shot wads from his boner,
Which knocked down his fan and it clattered.
--- Travis Brasell

Old age is no safeguard from folly,
So Granddads should never be jolly.
Too often, the rule
Is you'll look like a fool,
And your grandkids will say, "Off his trolly!"
--- Anon

There was an old farmer named Mel,
Who planted his crops in a dell.
It was maybe potatoes,
Or perhaps tomatoes.
Well, hell! Old Mel wouldn't tell.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A sunburned galoot named O'Malley
Lived ninety-nine years in Death Valley.
Now that poor wrinkled chap
Is as lined as a map,
So the folks call him old Rand McNally.
--- Ray Driver

I remember when romance was cool,
And when passion would savagely rule;
I remember the humping,
The groping and bumping,
But now I cannot find my tool.
--- Cap'n Bean P0307

There was an old man named Blantyre
Reached the age when he had to retire.
Many years full of toil
Kept his blood at the boil.
Is he happy now? Yes! (He's a liar!)
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There was an old person who tried
To take everything in his stride.
When informed that a rose
Grew out of his nose,
"I imagined as much," he replied.
--- Anon

A hermit who sat on a pole,
Said, "Will someone please bring me more coal.
My food's getting cold,
And I'm getting old,
While trying to save my lost soul."
--- Mike O'Conner

There was an old miser of whom
Little good could be said, I presume.
His cash did him credit,
But though no one said it,
He stank like the dungheap of Doom.
--- John Ciardi

This is file tdm

Cap'n Beanquite aged, name Dearing,
Has slowly been loosing his hearing;
But his sight remained strong,
As his hard little dong,
So he still could go on with his leering.
--- Cap'n Bean P0408

At twenty: For girls he can bed.
At sixty, the same fellow said:
"An excellent dinner
Suits me as a sinner."
At eighty: "Good bowels and clear head."
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9104

Old Francis was long in the tooth
When he challenged a fuzzy faced youth.
He prevailed, using guile,
An unorthodox style,
And tactics considered uncouth.
--- William N Nesbit P9511

A feeble old man from Monroe
Fell flat on his face in the snow;
Attempting to stand,
He stepped on his hand,
And tripped when it wouldn't let go.
--- Lims Unlimited

An ancient old man of Dun Laoghaire,
Said, "Of pleasure and joy, I've gown weary...
The life that is pure,
Will suit me, I'm sure,
It's healthy and noble though dreary."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

There was an old man named McCafferty,
Not known for his gloom or his gravity.
He's one of those geezers
Who plays with Malteasers
In evenings of wanton depravity.
--- Chris Young

There was a young man who was greying,
And his vigor, they thought, was decaying,
Till one balmy day,
On a lane or a way,
They found the old fellow waylaying.
--- Limber Limericks

It takes thought just to rise from a chair.
When he stashes things he can't say where.
Many others his age
Find they're on the same page,
More than just slightly worse for the wear.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0411

This morning, I said to my wife,
"Aging brings worry and strife.
My knees won't bend;
My back's out again;
I wish youth came later in life!"
--- Ron Sartain

I'm deaf and I can't find my glasses;
No longer I'm chasing the lasses;
My pace has decreased,
My friends are deceased;
It's amazing how youthfulness passes.
--- Cap'n Bean P0307

Rolling home after having a glass
(Or two) of both Carlsberg and Bass,
We were walking along
Singing a song,
When the graveyard we happened to pass.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Then Tom got a bright idea,
"Come on lads, let's go in here.
The stones we will scan
'Til we find the man.
Who's the oldest." We went with no fear.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Then Tom searching round by a tree
Said "Look here lads. Come and see.
Here lies old Jones,
He made some old bones,
He lasted 'til age 83."
--- Tiddy Ogg

But I wandered by the church door
And called "Look here, it's old Silas Moore.
He lived just down the road;
He's a miserable toad,
But he made it to age 94."
--- Tiddy Ogg

Then Pete who had stayed near the Gate
Yelled "This one reached one-forty eight."
So Thomas and me
Rushed over to see,
But that's what the marker did state.
--- Tiddy Ogg

"Get a light then," said Peter, "Don't talk."
So up to the stone we did walk.
And the glow from the flame
Revealed the man's name:
148 Miles from York.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It seems that my life's gone awry
And brain cells are in short supply,
And I've come unwinded;
I'm so absent-minded
That sometimes in mid-sentence I...
--- Observer

My boy, you're sure not alone;
I make my dear Ermintrude groan.
I forget what I'm singing,
And stop...what's that ringing?
I'd better go answer the...
--- Tiddy Ogg

My mind's in a terrible fog.
I sit like a bump on a log.
I stare into space,
Forgetting the face
Of dear Ermintrude or old...
--- Susan Arden

In the old days we drank and smoked pot,
Screwed around, didn't worry a lot.
Now we lay greying heads
On legitimate beds,
And are buying a burial plot.
--- George

In the old days we fought for the right:
To end war and free black from white.
Now we cheat on our taxes,
Send Rush Limbaugh faxes,
And latch our doors up tight at night.
--- George

In the old days we gnawed pork rib bones,
Ate butter-filled, jam-dripping scones.
Now we down fat-free goo,
Nibble tasteless tofu,
Supplemented with several hormones.
--- George

In the old days all new music pleased us.
We thought John Lennon cooler than Jesus.
Now we hate Gangster Rap;
Think Grundge bands are crap;
Still play Dylan when no kids can tease us.
--- George

In the old days... But those days are gone.
Surf the TV. Is there anything on?
Check the rate on CD's;
Search for signs of disease;
Dig the dandelions out of your lawn.
--- George

"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think should be sold,
And given to me,
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."
--- John Miller 0005

"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"
--- John Miller 0005a

Lee Segel has grey, balding hair,
Jutting beard, and a dignified stare.
His rabbinical looks
And many thick books,
Lend him a distinguished air.
--- Anon

But, though age brings wisdom, no doubt
There are some, I'm afraid, who miss out.
That unfortunate few
Get senility too;
On Segel, they jury's still out.
--- Anon

When people are growing quite old,
Their brainsize shrinks, so I'm told.
At some point, it's too late;
Their memories just fade.
I don't think this statement is bold.
--- Dirruk

That prospect scares the hell out of me,
Because a zombie I don't want to be.
To prevent all this tripe,
Bought some more megabyte
Of extra machine memory.
--- Dirruk

Whether this will aid sex, I don't know.
The bitches don't line up in a row
Anymore at my age.
I'm still far from this stage
And perform pretty well like a pro.
--- Dirruk

Birthdays are something we all
Wish we could forever forestall,
To stay twenty-one,
The age all was begun
And we'd not ache with a game of football.
--- Azul

To Hell with your aching and games,
The best things of youth were the dames.
At a quarter my age,
The hormones all rage --
How I'd like to rekindle those flames!
--- John Miller

One day as I hiked the ten miles
Through snow in fifty foot piles,
I met with a bear
And killed him right there,
With a dull paperclip and my wiles.
--- Anon


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