If finding John's age, David, thwarts I must say I'm looking askance There was an old miser of Lyme For your head he has got a big bludgeon; In the long distant past he'd been carded; There was an old fellow from Sidney An inebriate old diplomat, I once spent a weekend in Hove, An octogenarian named Clive My hair isn't red, white, or yellow; There was an old man who was cold; With inflation you hopelessly vie An elderly fellow named Beers, An elderly fellow named Zack There once was a man who said, "Hey! "I support free expression by each An elderly fellow named Pete I know of a very old stick There was an old man from wee Drain, The late years of life pose a curse, There was an old tramp. nicknamed Bert, There was an old man of Milan The nurse quickly sought to induce Was I forty just ten years ago? The nursing home's silence was shattered Old age is no safeguard from folly, There was an old farmer named Mel, A sunburned galoot named O'Malley I remember when romance was cool, There was an old man named Blantyre There was an old person who tried A hermit who sat on a pole, There was an old miser of whom
This is file tdm
Cap'n Beanquite aged, name Dearing, At twenty: For girls he can bed. Old Francis was long in the tooth A feeble old man from Monroe An ancient old man of Dun Laoghaire, There was an old man named McCafferty, There was a young man who was greying, It takes thought just to rise from a chair. This morning, I said to my wife, I'm deaf and I can't find my glasses; Rolling home after having a glass Then Tom got a bright idea, Then Tom searching round by a tree But I wandered by the church door Then Pete who had stayed near the Gate "Get a light then," said Peter, "Don't talk." It seems that my life's gone awry My boy, you're sure not alone; My mind's in a terrible fog. In the old days we drank and smoked pot, In the old days we fought for the right: In the old days we gnawed pork rib bones, In the old days all new music pleased us. In the old days... But those days are gone. "Dear Dad, you are getting quite old; "Dear son, there's no reason to fret; Lee Segel has grey, balding hair, But, though age brings wisdom, no doubt When people are growing quite old, That prospect scares the hell out of me, Whether this will aid sex, I don't know. Birthdays are something we all To Hell with your aching and games, One day as I hiked the ten miles
You, here's a solution of sorts:
Just pull down his pants,
At his rod take a glance,
And then simply count up the warts.
--- Tiddy Ogg
At comments regarding my pants.
If Dave pulls them down,
The warts, which abound,
Might have cause to retreat or advance.
--- John Miller
Who saved every nickel and dime.
He would save anything,
Even pieces of string,
And thought sexual spending a crime.
--- G2408
Always in a state of High Dudgeon.
He'll yell at the trains,
He'll beat out your brains --
You neighbor grey-haired Curmudgeon!
--- George
Now he'd take that as being rewarded.
Since his hair has turned white,
He's perceived overnight
As invisible, deaf and retarded.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0303
Who dined on a pie--steak and kidney.
Then he drank some wine red,
And fell down, quite dead.
Still, he went very happily, didney?
--- Anon
At dinners forgot where he sat.
He'd been given the names
Of his left and right dames,
But he'd wander, in spite of all that.
--- Warrick Elrod
With a most unattractive old cove.
He took out his teeth,
And said "I'm Edward Heath!"
But he wasn't - his Y-fronts were mauve.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Said he was glad he was still alive.
80 candle birthday cake --
It was not yet a wake;
Like a car he was in overdrive!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
I am neither callow nor mellow.
I'm living in purity
On social security,
And think I'm a fortunate fellow.
--- Limber Limericks
He said, "I have often been told:
Temperatures decline
For a body like mine,
As soon as one starts getting old."
--- Tony Burrell
While your waistline starts hiding your fly.
And the Law Murphy wrote
Is an everyday quote;
How the days of mid-age scurry by.
--- Irving Superior P9607
Who's been living some eighty-nine years,
Attributes his health
And his matters of wealth,
To the habits to which he adheres.
--- Cap'n Bean
Complained, "There is something I lack:
A firm guarantee
I'll reach two hundred three,
Will all of me fully intact."
--- Observer
Many happy returns of the day!
If I may be so bold,
You are getting quite old,
And soon you'll be haggard and grey."
--- Richard Long
And by all," said an old man named Beach.
"But these urban disasters
They call ghettoblasters!
I do oppose freedom of screech!"
--- A N Wilkins P8509
Died in the summertime heat:
One hundred degrees
With nary a breeze;
It knocked him right off of his feet.
--- Cap'n Bean P0208
Whose wit is ready and quick.
He's been going to plays
Since Edwardian days,
And calls himself "Very Old Vic."
--- Anon
Who wandered down memory lane.
He said: "I remember
November, September,
But I lost October again."
--- William K Alsop Jr
With the vagaries of age growing worse.
The solution is clear:
Get rid of the beer,
And marry a nurse with a purse.
--- The Sailor P0310
Who spent all his life in the dirt.
He was called many names,
Because he went lame;
He said names couldn't harm him, or hurt.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who lived for a ninety-year span;
At the end of his life
He said to his wife,
"Thank goodness, I'm through eating bran."
--- Lims Unlimited
The elderly fellow named Bruce,
To kindly refrain
From doing again,
Sneezing while drinking prune juice.
--- Observer
At the time, I was feeling gung ho.
Are my numbers wrong?
Is this my swan song?
My good wife swears that I'm seven O.
--- Al Willis P9607
And all of the nursing staff scattered
When old geezer Stoner
Shot wads from his boner,
Which knocked down his fan and it clattered.
--- Travis Brasell
So Granddads should never be jolly.
Too often, the rule
Is you'll look like a fool,
And your grandkids will say, "Off his trolly!"
--- Anon
Who planted his crops in a dell.
It was maybe potatoes,
Or perhaps tomatoes.
Well, hell! Old Mel wouldn't tell.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Lived ninety-nine years in Death Valley.
Now that poor wrinkled chap
Is as lined as a map,
So the folks call him old Rand McNally.
--- Ray Driver
And when passion would savagely rule;
I remember the humping,
The groping and bumping,
But now I cannot find my tool.
--- Cap'n Bean P0307
Reached the age when he had to retire.
Many years full of toil
Kept his blood at the boil.
Is he happy now? Yes! (He's a liar!)
--- Arthur Pattaffy
To take everything in his stride.
When informed that a rose
Grew out of his nose,
"I imagined as much," he replied.
--- Anon
Said, "Will someone please bring me more coal.
My food's getting cold,
And I'm getting old,
While trying to save my lost soul."
--- Mike O'Conner
Little good could be said, I presume.
His cash did him credit,
But though no one said it,
He stank like the dungheap of Doom.
--- John Ciardi
Has slowly been loosing his hearing;
But his sight remained strong,
As his hard little dong,
So he still could go on with his leering.
--- Cap'n Bean P0408
At sixty, the same fellow said:
"An excellent dinner
Suits me as a sinner."
At eighty: "Good bowels and clear head."
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9104
When he challenged a fuzzy faced youth.
He prevailed, using guile,
An unorthodox style,
And tactics considered uncouth.
--- William N Nesbit P9511
Fell flat on his face in the snow;
Attempting to stand,
He stepped on his hand,
And tripped when it wouldn't let go.
--- Lims Unlimited
Said, "Of pleasure and joy, I've gown weary...
The life that is pure,
Will suit me, I'm sure,
It's healthy and noble though dreary."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Not known for his gloom or his gravity.
He's one of those geezers
Who plays with Malteasers
In evenings of wanton depravity.
--- Chris Young
And his vigor, they thought, was decaying,
Till one balmy day,
On a lane or a way,
They found the old fellow waylaying.
--- Limber Limericks
When he stashes things he can't say where.
Many others his age
Find they're on the same page,
More than just slightly worse for the wear.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0411
"Aging brings worry and strife.
My knees won't bend;
My back's out again;
I wish youth came later in life!"
--- Ron Sartain
No longer I'm chasing the lasses;
My pace has decreased,
My friends are deceased;
It's amazing how youthfulness passes.
--- Cap'n Bean P0307
(Or two) of both Carlsberg and Bass,
We were walking along
Singing a song,
When the graveyard we happened to pass.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"Come on lads, let's go in here.
The stones we will scan
'Til we find the man.
Who's the oldest." We went with no fear.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Said "Look here lads. Come and see.
Here lies old Jones,
He made some old bones,
He lasted 'til age 83."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And called "Look here, it's old Silas Moore.
He lived just down the road;
He's a miserable toad,
But he made it to age 94."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Yelled "This one reached one-forty eight."
So Thomas and me
Rushed over to see,
But that's what the marker did state.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So up to the stone we did walk.
And the glow from the flame
Revealed the man's name:
148 Miles from York.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And brain cells are in short supply,
And I've come unwinded;
I'm so absent-minded
That sometimes in mid-sentence I...
--- Observer
I make my dear Ermintrude groan.
I forget what I'm singing,
And stop...what's that ringing?
I'd better go answer the...
--- Tiddy Ogg
I sit like a bump on a log.
I stare into space,
Forgetting the face
Of dear Ermintrude or old...
--- Susan Arden
Screwed around, didn't worry a lot.
Now we lay greying heads
On legitimate beds,
And are buying a burial plot.
--- George
To end war and free black from white.
Now we cheat on our taxes,
Send Rush Limbaugh faxes,
And latch our doors up tight at night.
--- George
Ate butter-filled, jam-dripping scones.
Now we down fat-free goo,
Nibble tasteless tofu,
Supplemented with several hormones.
--- George
We thought John Lennon cooler than Jesus.
Now we hate Gangster Rap;
Think Grundge bands are crap;
Still play Dylan when no kids can tease us.
--- George
Surf the TV. Is there anything on?
Check the rate on CD's;
Search for signs of disease;
Dig the dandelions out of your lawn.
--- George
Your assets, I think should be sold,
And given to me,
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."
--- John Miller 0005
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"
--- John Miller 0005a
Jutting beard, and a dignified stare.
His rabbinical looks
And many thick books,
Lend him a distinguished air.
--- Anon
There are some, I'm afraid, who miss out.
That unfortunate few
Get senility too;
On Segel, they jury's still out.
--- Anon
Their brainsize shrinks, so I'm told.
At some point, it's too late;
Their memories just fade.
I don't think this statement is bold.
--- Dirruk
Because a zombie I don't want to be.
To prevent all this tripe,
Bought some more megabyte
Of extra machine memory.
--- Dirruk
The bitches don't line up in a row
Anymore at my age.
I'm still far from this stage
And perform pretty well like a pro.
--- Dirruk
Wish we could forever forestall,
To stay twenty-one,
The age all was begun
And we'd not ache with a game of football.
--- Azul
The best things of youth were the dames.
At a quarter my age,
The hormones all rage --
How I'd like to rekindle those flames!
--- John Miller
Through snow in fifty foot piles,
I met with a bear
And killed him right there,
With a dull paperclip and my wiles.
--- Anon