There once were two men of a kind;
Each in one eye was quite blind.
Said one with a grin,
"That's my identical twin
And whatever I lose he will find."
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Look this way, Sir Benjamin Slade!
I promise that I'll make the grade...
You'll find that I'll merit
An estate to inherit,
After all, I'm a man who's self made.
--- Doug Slade P0604

My kith aren't the same as my kin;
The former get under my skin.
My kin, more aloof,
Get under my roof,
And that is the pickle I'm in.
--- Lims Unlimited

My ancestors lived in Old Lyme;
They didn't make money on crime.
They made it on whales
And galvanized pails,
But none of them left me a dime.
--- Alsops Foibles

An orphaned young lady named Scudder
Was fond of her poor little brudder;
She helped him with spelling
And lima-bean shelling,
And pampered him just like his mudder.
--- Limber Limericks

There was a young fellow called Danny,
Who nattered and yacked like my granny.
If his glasses should slip
Down his nose to the tip,
His resemblance to her was uncanny.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

My heart goes all topsy and turvy
When I see a young woman's curvy
Waist widening to hips,
And luscious, full lips.
I got that from my Uncle Ervy.
--- Scott Oliver

Now Gramps is old and he's wheezin';
He still dreams about chicks he'd be sqeezin'.
Though images are keen,
Never with a wet dream,
But he wakes up with lots of damn sneezin'!
--- Anon

I've found there are worse things in life
Than taking an orphan to wife.
No advice from her ma
And ditto, her pa.
Serendipitous bliss without strife.
--- Robert V Davis P9608

A child who was left with a nanny
Said: "I'd sooner have you than Granny.
She makes me sit straight,
Bawls me out if I'm late,
And won't let me turn on my tranny." (transistor radio?-McW)
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Wherever you are on this earth,
I send you this greeting of mirth,
To brighten your day,
With hope that you may
Stop loathing the day of your birth.
--- Travis Brasell

I once had an Auntie Hortense,
In family matters she sat on the fence.
She would visit us all,
Spring, Winter, and Fall.
We said nothing -- she had lots of pence.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

"Hey, Pawpaw, why do you walk slow?"
My granddaughter wanted to know;
Said I, "All those years
Of hunting down 'dears'
Makes Pawpaw move slow as I go."
--- Travis Brasell

In Dixie our motto is: "When
A stranger approaches, just grin.
Say, 'Have a nice day.'
Then hurry away,
'Cause somehow he's gotta be kin."
--- Travis Brasell

My uncle who lives in Tyrone
Once said to me, "My, how you've grown!"
I said to him, "Unk,
Oh my, how you've shrunk!"
Since then he has let me alone.
--- Lims Unlimited

Very soon, an uncle I'll be;
The thought has just filled me with glee.
Be it girl or a boy,
This bundle of joy
A new member of our family tree.
--- Funny Bone

Said a cross little girl in Helsinki,
"My parents have nicknamed me Winkie.
I beg them to stop it
But still they won't drop it.
The silly twits think it's so dinky."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

This one is all about my niece.
Please don't call in the limerick police.
If you dislike clean
Lims writ by Marlene,
Don't read further, you fool, just cease!
--- Marlene

Wyoming like no place on earth;
There my sis expected a birth.
Then Allix arrived;
Three years she's survived.
She keeps us in stitches of mirth.
--- Marlene

Now Allix has curls down her back;
Believe me, I am keeping track.
When Allix was small
She had no hair at all.
But now she's made up for the lack.
--- Marlene

I draw bunnies for Allix all day;
She just won't let me get away!
Don't have any tricks,
They're just made of sticks.
She's happy to just sit and play.
--- Marlene

Doc Seuss is favored by my niece;
She just won't give me any peace.
She brings me her books.
I read while she looks
At the pictures, while perched on my knees.
--- Marlene

I don't have a Dad any more.
He's Allix's Grampa, for sure!
It was the same refrain
When we tried to explain:
"He's my Grampa!" she'd quickly roar.
--- Marlene

Our Allix will giggle and say,
"Can my Gramma come out to play?"
She's like a fresh breeze;
She just likes to tease.
She keeps us entertained all day.
--- Marlene

With her belly button exposed,
Is how Allix wears all her clothes.
Her tummy sticks out;
Of that there's no doubt.
It winter, it might just get froze.
--- Marlene

"Will you marry me, Marnene?", she said.
Explaining is something I dread.
She just does not know
Why my answer is no --
Okay, she'll marry Daddy, instead!
--- Marlene

Then Allix says, "Where's my Marnene?"
The cutest thing you've ever seen:
That little girl's grin
And tilt of her chin;
We all think that she is the Queen!
--- Marlene

There was a young lady called Frankie,
Whose mother said "No hanky-panky.
What you do, where you go,
All your friends I must know.
Otherwise you'll make me very cranky."
--- Arthur Pattaffy

At school-camp he's going to jogs,
And studying birds, insects and frogs;
Mother rang and said, "Rick,
Do your friends get homesick?"
"Only those", he replied, "who have dogs."
--- David Miller

There was a hillbilly named Shaw
Who envied his maw and his paw.
To share in their life,
He adopted his wife,
And became his own father-in-law.
--- Ogden Nash

I will always remember my dad;
He'd read the paper, not missing an ad.
He said it made the mind mix
Like mini politics;
He will pass it on to his lad.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

My wife loves to watch a good thrilla;
It gives her goose bumps, all the chilla.
But the thing I most hate,
Is not going to bed late,
But waking at three with no pilla.
--- Rick Limmer T9711

My granddaughter's cuter than yours,
And her intellect truly soars.
And besides, she's polite,
With a smile so bright --
Wait! Don't you want to hear some more?
--- Lynn Mostafa

This is file tbm

"At yardsales, old junk will bring cash,"
Said Gramps, "Fools will pay for such trash
And haul it away,
Like one did today,
With Granny, who sold in a flash!"
--- Anon

There once were two sisters in Crummies
As lively as store-window dummies;
At the Halloween Ball,
With no makeup at all,
They appeared as a couple of mummies.
--- Lims Unlimited

There was a young fellow from Glouster
Went out with his grandma and lost her.
They found the old geezer
Inside the deep freezer;
It took them two weeks to defrost her.
--- Anon

Disputatious old Uncle McKee
Was unpleasant as ever could be.
When he'd rant and he'd fume,
He'd steam up the whole room,
Causing relative humidity.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0212

My dad had a sister named Maud,
Who surprised us when she wed a lord.
She became a real lady,
Even if he was shady,
With her money he vanished abroad.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Oh, it's easy to tell which are yours --
Your girls are a bunch of young whores.
And your boy is the dud
With the miniscule pud,
Which everyone simply ignores!
--- Anon

Each 'Fathers Day' there's an intrusion
Of kids at my house, in profusion.
Oh, it would be fine
If I knew which were mine,
Instead of this yearly confusion.
--- Travis Brasell

I like all the books on my shelf;
I'm content with my booty and pelf.
And I'll never be sad
Till my wife calls me DAD,
Or until I can't laugh at myself.
--- Limber Limericks

It's late on a Saturday night,
And I'm all alone -- this doth bite!
Perhaps I should spend
Much more time with my friends,
But they do not think I'm alright.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

For when I am sat in this chair,
And appear all lost in an air
Of wonder and mystery,
My total life history
Is laid out in full, to bear.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

My previous lives just have might
Blessed my mates with the sight,
That sitting with my PC
Doesn't make me crazy,
But it sure does make me talk shite!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Poltergeists causing a clatter,
Can psychokinetically shatter
Your nerves; I suggest
Exorcism is best,
If you feel it's as eerie as matter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

You'd think me a fine city gent;
Impeccable, refined accent.
You'd be wrong for
It was in Broadmoor, (Brit prison)
Where most of my mad life was spent.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Scanties-theft read my confessions.
With hefty therapy sessions
And some E.S.T.,
My mind is now free,
Untroubled by these brief obsessions.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

So come shop at Frankys' Boutique;
In here you'll find something unique,
In used underwear.
Some of them rare.
Autumn Sale Now On! Ends Next Week!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A family up in St. Paul
Was the most inept clan of them all;
They lived in their dives,
Their dysfunctional lives,
And they never saw progress at all.
--- Cap'n Bean P0102

When dysfunctional families breed,
Their conflicts burst forth, like a weed;
Seems everyone's mad,
Unhappy or sad,
An no one's fulfilled of their needs.
--- Cap'n Bean P0102

A friend will stab you in the front.
He'll use something sharp, 'stead of blunt.
Won't slice up your back
In some sneak attack.
He'll not pull so shabby a stunt.
--- Marlene Lewis

A good friend will say to your face,
That you are a human disgrace.
Won't whisper your name,
Your pride to defame.
He'll just put you right in your place.
--- Marlene Lewis

A friend would not be a deceiver.
He won't be a rumor believer.
If he says bad stuff,
He won't try to bluff;
He'll just hack you up with his cleaver.
--- Marlene Lewis

Now, why is it, do you suppose,
A friend would punch you in the nose?
Because you need it
When you are a shit,
Your jerkiness he will expose.
--- Marlene Lewis

I think I am finished with friends,
At least until my chest mends.
Acquaintance, for me,
Is safer, you see,
Until I know what he intends!
--- Marlene Lewis

No matter a friend's good intention,
I'm sure you have heard, but I mention:
Only place trust
In yourself as you must,
For a friend is a friend till dissension.
--- Karen

For names they inflict on their child,
Some parents sure should be exiled.
The worst comes to tears.
It may take many years
'Til parents and kids reconcile.
--- Tony Burrell

If you're going to call your boy Sue,
Then one of the following are true!
He'll either be great,
A minister of state,
Or else, up his life you will screw.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Said the Redneck, in Tourist, K2,
To his seatmate, "You look like a Jew!"
"Vell," said the man
"That is so, yes, I am,
Is there reason dot matters to you?"
--- John Miller 00089

"I was raised in a village by Joe,
Without one single Jew -- That is so!"
Said the Redneck, "Ah yes,"
Said the Jew, "I could guess --
"Dot's vhy it's a villich, you know."
--- John Miller 0089a

What vile things do some people say;
I thought Negroes were having their day,
That Jews were not heard,
Ethnic slurs were deferred,
Folks took pride in the fact they were gay!
--- John Miller

I know we've worked hard to perfect
A nation Politically Correct,
With lots of new laws
To correct human flaws,
And uplift, perserve and protect.
--- John Miller

Mere facts cannot get in the way
Where the lawyers all work without pay.
Equal justice for all,
The big and the small
As was proved by The Prez and O.J.
--- John Miller

My neighbor came over to say
(Although not in a neighborly way)
That he'd knock me around,
If I'd not curb the sound
Of the music I'm playing today.
--- Anon

I said, "Bugger off out of my place
You're an utter uncultured disgrace;
You're a simpleton loon.
Don't you know a good tune?"
Then he walloped me square in the face.
--- Peter Wilkins

Whoa! Blisters and fisters -- you swear?
Of rivaling siblings beware!
I once knew a lassie
In East Tallahassee
Who started a family affair.
--- Bridget

Well, we were much younger back then;
Those brothers are now older men.
I could tell you stories
But then they'd bore-yeez;
Sometimes for those old days I yen.
--- Bridget