There once were two men of a kind; Look this way, Sir Benjamin Slade! My kith aren't the same as my kin; My ancestors lived in Old Lyme; An orphaned young lady named Scudder There was a young fellow called Danny, My heart goes all topsy and turvy Now Gramps is old and he's wheezin'; I've found there are worse things in life A child who was left with a nanny Wherever you are on this earth, I once had an Auntie Hortense, "Hey, Pawpaw, why do you walk slow?" In Dixie our motto is: "When My uncle who lives in Tyrone Very soon, an uncle I'll be; Said a cross little girl in Helsinki, This one is all about my niece. Wyoming like no place on earth; Now Allix has curls down her back; I draw bunnies for Allix all day; Doc Seuss is favored by my niece; I don't have a Dad any more. Our Allix will giggle and say, With her belly button exposed, "Will you marry me, Marnene?", she said. Then Allix says, "Where's my Marnene?" There was a young lady called Frankie, At school-camp he's going to jogs, There was a hillbilly named Shaw I will always remember my dad; My wife loves to watch a good thrilla; My granddaughter's cuter than yours,
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"At yardsales, old junk will bring cash," There once were two sisters in Crummies There was a young fellow from Glouster Disputatious old Uncle McKee My dad had a sister named Maud, Oh, it's easy to tell which are yours -- Each 'Fathers Day' there's an intrusion I like all the books on my shelf; It's late on a Saturday night, For when I am sat in this chair, My previous lives just have might Poltergeists causing a clatter, You'd think me a fine city gent; Scanties-theft read my confessions. So come shop at Frankys' Boutique; A family up in St. Paul When dysfunctional families breed, A friend will stab you in the front. A good friend will say to your face, A friend would not be a deceiver. Now, why is it, do you suppose, I think I am finished with friends, No matter a friend's good intention, For names they inflict on their child, If you're going to call your boy Sue, Said the Redneck, in Tourist, K2, "I was raised in a village by Joe, What vile things do some people say; I know we've worked hard to perfect Mere facts cannot get in the way My neighbor came over to say I said, "Bugger off out of my place Whoa! Blisters and fisters -- you swear? Well, we were much younger back then;
Each in one eye was quite blind.
Said one with a grin,
"That's my identical twin
And whatever I lose he will find."
--- Edwin J Weinstein
I promise that I'll make the grade...
You'll find that I'll merit
An estate to inherit,
After all, I'm a man who's self made.
--- Doug Slade P0604
The former get under my skin.
My kin, more aloof,
Get under my roof,
And that is the pickle I'm in.
--- Lims Unlimited
They didn't make money on crime.
They made it on whales
And galvanized pails,
But none of them left me a dime.
--- Alsops Foibles
Was fond of her poor little brudder;
She helped him with spelling
And lima-bean shelling,
And pampered him just like his mudder.
--- Limber Limericks
Who nattered and yacked like my granny.
If his glasses should slip
Down his nose to the tip,
His resemblance to her was uncanny.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
When I see a young woman's curvy
Waist widening to hips,
And luscious, full lips.
I got that from my Uncle Ervy.
--- Scott Oliver
He still dreams about chicks he'd be sqeezin'.
Though images are keen,
Never with a wet dream,
But he wakes up with lots of damn sneezin'!
--- Anon
Than taking an orphan to wife.
No advice from her ma
And ditto, her pa.
Serendipitous bliss without strife.
--- Robert V Davis P9608
Said: "I'd sooner have you than Granny.
She makes me sit straight,
Bawls me out if I'm late,
And won't let me turn on my tranny." (transistor radio?-McW)
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
I send you this greeting of mirth,
To brighten your day,
With hope that you may
Stop loathing the day of your birth.
--- Travis Brasell
In family matters she sat on the fence.
She would visit us all,
Spring, Winter, and Fall.
We said nothing -- she had lots of pence.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
My granddaughter wanted to know;
Said I, "All those years
Of hunting down 'dears'
Makes Pawpaw move slow as I go."
--- Travis Brasell
A stranger approaches, just grin.
Say, 'Have a nice day.'
Then hurry away,
'Cause somehow he's gotta be kin."
--- Travis Brasell
Once said to me, "My, how you've grown!"
I said to him, "Unk,
Oh my, how you've shrunk!"
Since then he has let me alone.
--- Lims Unlimited
The thought has just filled me with glee.
Be it girl or a boy,
This bundle of joy
A new member of our family tree.
--- Funny Bone
"My parents have nicknamed me Winkie.
I beg them to stop it
But still they won't drop it.
The silly twits think it's so dinky."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Please don't call in the limerick police.
If you dislike clean
Lims writ by Marlene,
Don't read further, you fool, just cease!
--- Marlene
There my sis expected a birth.
Then Allix arrived;
Three years she's survived.
She keeps us in stitches of mirth.
--- Marlene
Believe me, I am keeping track.
When Allix was small
She had no hair at all.
But now she's made up for the lack.
--- Marlene
She just won't let me get away!
Don't have any tricks,
They're just made of sticks.
She's happy to just sit and play.
--- Marlene
She just won't give me any peace.
She brings me her books.
I read while she looks
At the pictures, while perched on my knees.
--- Marlene
He's Allix's Grampa, for sure!
It was the same refrain
When we tried to explain:
"He's my Grampa!" she'd quickly roar.
--- Marlene
"Can my Gramma come out to play?"
She's like a fresh breeze;
She just likes to tease.
She keeps us entertained all day.
--- Marlene
Is how Allix wears all her clothes.
Her tummy sticks out;
Of that there's no doubt.
It winter, it might just get froze.
--- Marlene
Explaining is something I dread.
She just does not know
Why my answer is no --
Okay, she'll marry Daddy, instead!
--- Marlene
The cutest thing you've ever seen:
That little girl's grin
And tilt of her chin;
We all think that she is the Queen!
--- Marlene
Whose mother said "No hanky-panky.
What you do, where you go,
All your friends I must know.
Otherwise you'll make me very cranky."
--- Arthur Pattaffy
And studying birds, insects and frogs;
Mother rang and said, "Rick,
Do your friends get homesick?"
"Only those", he replied, "who have dogs."
--- David Miller
Who envied his maw and his paw.
To share in their life,
He adopted his wife,
And became his own father-in-law.
--- Ogden Nash
He'd read the paper, not missing an ad.
He said it made the mind mix
Like mini politics;
He will pass it on to his lad.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
It gives her goose bumps, all the chilla.
But the thing I most hate,
Is not going to bed late,
But waking at three with no pilla.
--- Rick Limmer T9711
And her intellect truly soars.
And besides, she's polite,
With a smile so bright --
Wait! Don't you want to hear some more?
--- Lynn Mostafa
Said Gramps, "Fools will pay for such trash
And haul it away,
Like one did today,
With Granny, who sold in a flash!"
--- Anon
As lively as store-window dummies;
At the Halloween Ball,
With no makeup at all,
They appeared as a couple of mummies.
--- Lims Unlimited
Went out with his grandma and lost her.
They found the old geezer
Inside the deep freezer;
It took them two weeks to defrost her.
--- Anon
Was unpleasant as ever could be.
When he'd rant and he'd fume,
He'd steam up the whole room,
Causing relative humidity.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0212
Who surprised us when she wed a lord.
She became a real lady,
Even if he was shady,
With her money he vanished abroad.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Your girls are a bunch of young whores.
And your boy is the dud
With the miniscule pud,
Which everyone simply ignores!
--- Anon
Of kids at my house, in profusion.
Oh, it would be fine
If I knew which were mine,
Instead of this yearly confusion.
--- Travis Brasell
I'm content with my booty and pelf.
And I'll never be sad
Till my wife calls me DAD,
Or until I can't laugh at myself.
--- Limber Limericks
And I'm all alone -- this doth bite!
Perhaps I should spend
Much more time with my friends,
But they do not think I'm alright.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And appear all lost in an air
Of wonder and mystery,
My total life history
Is laid out in full, to bear.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Blessed my mates with the sight,
That sitting with my PC
Doesn't make me crazy,
But it sure does make me talk shite!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Can psychokinetically shatter
Your nerves; I suggest
Exorcism is best,
If you feel it's as eerie as matter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Impeccable, refined accent.
You'd be wrong for
It was in Broadmoor, (Brit prison)
Where most of my mad life was spent.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With hefty therapy sessions
And some E.S.T.,
My mind is now free,
Untroubled by these brief obsessions.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
In here you'll find something unique,
In used underwear.
Some of them rare.
Autumn Sale Now On! Ends Next Week!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was the most inept clan of them all;
They lived in their dives,
Their dysfunctional lives,
And they never saw progress at all.
--- Cap'n Bean P0102
Their conflicts burst forth, like a weed;
Seems everyone's mad,
Unhappy or sad,
An no one's fulfilled of their needs.
--- Cap'n Bean P0102
He'll use something sharp, 'stead of blunt.
Won't slice up your back
In some sneak attack.
He'll not pull so shabby a stunt.
--- Marlene Lewis
That you are a human disgrace.
Won't whisper your name,
Your pride to defame.
He'll just put you right in your place.
--- Marlene Lewis
He won't be a rumor believer.
If he says bad stuff,
He won't try to bluff;
He'll just hack you up with his cleaver.
--- Marlene Lewis
A friend would punch you in the nose?
Because you need it
When you are a shit,
Your jerkiness he will expose.
--- Marlene Lewis
At least until my chest mends.
Acquaintance, for me,
Is safer, you see,
Until I know what he intends!
--- Marlene Lewis
I'm sure you have heard, but I mention:
Only place trust
In yourself as you must,
For a friend is a friend till dissension.
--- Karen
Some parents sure should be exiled.
The worst comes to tears.
It may take many years
'Til parents and kids reconcile.
--- Tony Burrell
Then one of the following are true!
He'll either be great,
A minister of state,
Or else, up his life you will screw.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To his seatmate, "You look like a Jew!"
"Vell," said the man
"That is so, yes, I am,
Is there reason dot matters to you?"
--- John Miller 00089
Without one single Jew -- That is so!"
Said the Redneck, "Ah yes,"
Said the Jew, "I could guess --
"Dot's vhy it's a villich, you know."
--- John Miller 0089a
I thought Negroes were having their day,
That Jews were not heard,
Ethnic slurs were deferred,
Folks took pride in the fact they were gay!
--- John Miller
A nation Politically Correct,
With lots of new laws
To correct human flaws,
And uplift, perserve and protect.
--- John Miller
Where the lawyers all work without pay.
Equal justice for all,
The big and the small
As was proved by The Prez and O.J.
--- John Miller
(Although not in a neighborly way)
That he'd knock me around,
If I'd not curb the sound
Of the music I'm playing today.
--- Anon
You're an utter uncultured disgrace;
You're a simpleton loon.
Don't you know a good tune?"
Then he walloped me square in the face.
--- Peter Wilkins
Of rivaling siblings beware!
I once knew a lassie
In East Tallahassee
Who started a family affair.
--- Bridget
Those brothers are now older men.
I could tell you stories
But then they'd bore-yeez;
Sometimes for those old days I yen.
--- Bridget