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Tom Patrick's the oldest of all; And then there was Bridget Marie; Timothy Mark hated mornings; Shawn Elizabeth started the battle. Brian Daniel was the quiet one, Michael Shannon is the tallest kid. Kathleen Mary was the spoiled child; Marytheresa Ann is my favorite sist. It's clear straight away from the start Waiting on the porch for a ride His wife waits for him in their yard; Oh, look, there's the woman next door; The men who live right down the street Pete's the paper carrier 'round here. The teenager who lives over there, Those two live just 'round the corner. Granny DuFret lives in that house; The thruple that lives 'cross the way, I've just checked my purse for my key, How I envy your strong Mr. Ott; My life has been just the reverse; I started out cocky and proud From Armed Forces service I'm free From then on the matters got worse; Our volunteer leader, it's said Our volunteer leader named Jim It is said that we've driven him nuts, No matter where Jim goes from here, We'll miss Jim a lot, it is true (Jim was leader of teenage crisis hotline)
Oh, my name is John Wellington Wells, If you want a proud foe to "make tracks", By the rules of clear thinking be bound; "Please, Marnene, come play on my seesaw!" There was an old man of Calcutta, My cell phone so often goes beep; Good manners these days are so few, A radio ham called Tim Malone To make your point clear is quite simple, Her friends called her Sibilant Sue; Here in Brooklyn I just overhoid In Scotland they live in the toon And in England they're doing their part; A learned young couple pendantic, God made the Dutch and said, "Well At school, we're taught using phonics. Imagine, folks, how Plate Tectonics Ebonics be some sort of joke. There was a young lady of Cirencester, There was a young Frenchman named Claude There was a young girl of Dundee, In addition to must, should and could, The reason he's not so elated: There was a young fellow of Hertfordshire,
(Harts) An orator fraught with poposity, A fireman up in Montrose From the Cape of Good Hope north to Nome At a faculty wives' tea and do, It makes me quite frictionary I often feel very left out When Charlene spouts forth in Spanish, And what about the Russian lims? Pigs in the field...Pork on the table. A shy carpenter shamed by a stammer, Of all the dumb things parents say, Another (relating to bread) -- There was an old gossip named Baird,
Most likely he started the brawls.
Although we were runts,
We soon learned upfront
There's more than one use for baseballs!
--- Bridget
Of course she's the angel, you see.
Can you tell by the glow
Of her shiny halo,
That she is as nice as can be?
--- Bridget
A simple hello left him roaring!
Please don't get too closeup
Before he is wokeup!
Consider this your only warning.
--- Bridget
She was our resident prattle.
Beware what you say
If her ear's your way,
To Mom and Dad she' run and tattle.
--- Bridget
Fighting and bickering he'd shun.
But it made no difference,
We'd simply use inference,
Then his good deeds would go undone.
--- Bridget
At six foot six he always did
Whatever he wanted.
Though the boys taunted
Whenever he'd play seek and hid.
--- Bridget
Our parents watchd and they always smiled.
Our Kate blinked her eyes,
A devilish guise,
With parents away, she went wild!
--- Bridget
There's no way she'd ever get dissed.
She ably kept track
Of calls from my pack;
She never let on they exist.
--- Bridget
That your siblings are dear to your heart;
It's also quite clear
From the numbers shown here,
That your parents were seldom apart!
--- Travis Brasell
Is better than waiting inside.
The neighbors drive by.
There goes the new guy.
Where has he been? Geez, he looks fried!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He's so late he best be on guard.
He went drinking last night;
She believes he's still tight;
She gives him a whack -- really hard.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
She certainly does not look poor.
Though rumors abound,
I just have not found
Men queued at her house by the score.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Are said to be light on their feet.
'Twas said to be mean,
'Cause they caused a scene,
By trying to chat up young Pete.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The big leaguers have nothing to fear:
He can't hit where he throws,
As my flower bed shows.
My newspaper's been tossed there all year.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Has just shaved about half of his hair.
Thinks his parents don't know.
(They pretend that it's so.)
He goes window-peeping with that pair.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The blonde's a professional mourner.
The red-head does pose
Without all his clothes.
He's really an amateur porn-er.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
She's quiet like some little gray mouse.
Her first husband, they say,
Disappeared one day .
It's okay, 'cause he'd beaten his spouse.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Amaze the 'hood more every day.
Those two are pregnant
By that one old gent.
(There'd been rumors that he was gay.)
--- Jim Weaver Collection
When Charlie yells, "This ride's for free!"
I slide into his car;
Wish I had a crowbar!
Just what are they saying 'bout me?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
How much he improved his whole lot.
Though I'd love to be
As defiant as he,
A dominant male I am not
--- A Nebish P0207
Each demeaning event I must curse.
As my best friend has quipped,
I'm just pussy-whipped;
I even will carry her purse.
--- A Nebish P0207
A leader in my little crowd
Then I felt so much pain
When the girls would complain
That I was so poorly endowed
--- A Nebish P0207
They said it's because of my knee
I tried to enlist
But was told to desist
Uncle Sam wanted you, but not me
--- A Nebish P0207
Female editors scorned all my verse.
Although I'm not to blame,
If my luck stays the same,
They'll be getting flat tires on my hearse.
--- A Nebish P0207
Is often betrayed by his head,
For when he makes plans,
His devoted fans
Will often mistake him for dead.
--- Robert Grob
Will never be thought of as dim --
He leaves us because
Whatever he does,
He can't fix this room to suit him.
--- Robert Grob
With all of our ifs, ands, or buts.
But when he leaves us,
And gets on the bus,
He'll be getting us out of our ruts.
--- Robert Grob
Best wishes are his. Here to Hear
Will not be the same
As it has since he came
And developed his telephone ear.
--- Robert Grob
And we want to give him his due.
So as we're met here,
We'll give him a cheer,
And reserve him a room in the zoo.
--- Robert Grob
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses,
And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
--- William S Gilbert
If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax,
You've but to look in
On our resident Djinn,
Number Seventy, Simmery Axe.
--- William S Gilbert
Speak with reason and logic profound.
One must never defile
With the epithet vile,
For the man who throws dirt loses ground.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2942
My sis says, "She's gone back to Utah."
Pronouns are not clear
To Allix I fear:
"My Marnene has gone back to Me-tah?"
--- Marlene Lewis
This is file tam
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, oleagenous mutta.
--- Ogden Nash L0679
I hear the phone calls deep asleep.
Constant use day and night,
An addiction that might
Cost too much, although per call, it's cheap.
--- Joel D Ash P0510Q
Old expressions abandoned for new.
Beg pardon, thanks, please,
Have changed to some of these:
Kiss my ass, go to Hell and screw you.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0511Q
Operated C.W. and phone.
He talked night and day
To friends a way away;
With this hobby, he's never alone.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Like squeezing an over-ripe pimple.
Just a touch of finesse,
Not too much, nor too less,
Or you'll end with a crater, not dimple.
--- Rick Limmer T9711
She lisped something awful, it's true!
In the spring she would sing
"Thpring hath thprung," by the spring,
As she sprang like a crazed kangaroo.
--- Gail Koontz
The word bird mispronounced as woid boid
Poems written in voice
And to make matter woice,
Deres a street dey call East toity toid.
--- Mike Pollack
And a circle's not round it's aroon.
It's not out -- they go oot,
And a prizefight's a boot;
In the lift are the buttons marked doon.
--- Mike Pollack
Cockneys saying "Gor guv, 'ave a 'art".
Instead of a wife,
They've got troubles-and-strife,
And an 'orse is wot's pulling a cart.
--- Mike Pollack
Debated till they were both frantic.
The dispute was endemic
For this couple polemic,
But their difference was simply semantic.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2743
Here's a mightly strange bunch I can tell...
They're quite good at painting
And soggy marsh draining,
But that language is straight out of hell."
--- Sansuesi
In the hood, the speech is Ebonics.
But you give the feeling
Of words double-dealing
A stage, for your histrionics.
--- Anon
Or History, Physics, Harmonics,
Would be best understood
By dem "Boyz in de Hood"
Be deys translated into Ebonics.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703
Oakland folks must have gotten sunstroke.
If the teachers succumb,
They'll prove to be dumb,
When they buy this weird pig in a poke.
--- Al Willis
Who fiance went down to visit her,
By the Great Western line;
Which he swore was divine,
And he couldn't have been much expliciter.
--- E V Knox Punch 1928 Bibby
Whose command of the language was flawed.
To a chambermmaid said,
"Need a shit on my bed."
And he blushed as she laughed and guffawed.
--- Peter Wilkins
Whose knowledge of French was "Oui, oui."
When they asked, "Parlez-vous?"
She replied, "Same to you,"
And was famed for her bright repartee.
--- Anon
And the, "If I were you then I would..."
I suppose I could take,
But not, "Make no mistake,
I'm just saying this for your own good."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9606
His condition has made him frustrated.
His vowels, you know,
Have lost get-up-and-go,
And that is why he's consonated.
--- Al Willis T9711
So lost every penny,
And the poor fellow is now driving certfordshire. (carts
--- Langford Reed (Bibby)
Bumptiously spouting verbosity,
Postured and preened
Until mercifully beaned
By an egg thrown with deadly velocity.
--- Mary Sullivan
Is wise and it certainly shows.
It is hard to refute
His theory astute:
A hose is a hose is a hose.
--- VOL 11
And wherever Americans roam,
People use for "what", HUH?
And for "no" it's HUHUH,
Pronounced trippingly in palindrone.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
The president's wife, Ann McFew,
Was shocked beyond belief.
The Math prof's spouse, Leath,
Said, "I'll pour if you'd like for me to."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0304
When I need a French dictionary.
I'm mono-lingual,
It makes my mind tingual,
Subtitle your Lim-ictionary!
--- Archie
When Frog you all start to spout.
I don't have the knack.
(You talk 'hind my back)
Thank God you'r not speaking in Kraut!
--- Archie
It's then that I wish she would vanish.
I haven't a clue
About what I should do.
Perhaps that is why she's so mannish!
--- Archie
There ain't none, or so it seems.
Who's the cause of this shame?
Where do we lay blame?
(And Nik stands up proudly and beams.)
--- Nik Synytskyy
Cows in the lea...Beef served by Mable;
Saxon's defeat
Meant Norman sweetmeat,
And a language, thank God, that's not stable.
--- Tutta Gioia
Studied speech and phonetics and grammar.
Greatly helped by all those,
His tongue fucking unfroze,
When he next hit his thumb with a hammer.
--- David A Brooks Q
The dumbest one very well may
Be "Where did you leave it?"
I still don't believe it!
It's the last place I look to this day.
--- Karen
"Will you eat all your crusts," Mother said,
"For they'll make your hair curl."
I said, "Ma, I'm no girl,"
But it worked, although not on my head.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who said, "What I could say if I dared,
I will say it, in fact,
Though I die in the act."
So she did, and nobody cared.
--- Ogden Nash
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