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The groom, at the end of his tether,
(Could have knocked him down with a feather.)
"I really don't see
How this thing can be;
As yet dear, we've not swept together."
--- Tiddy Ogg

A young farmer by the name of Glock,
Grew corn and raised different livestock.
He'd not drive the picker
Without drinking liquor,
To fight off his fear of corn shock.
--- Tom Patton P0407

Let's have none of your sly hocus-pocus.
In the spring you don't grow autumn crocus.
Flowers grow from a corm.
Well at least that's the norm.
So please, try to hang on to your focus.
--- Mimi

There was an old farmer named Meggs,
Whose old farm was on its last legs.
His cows no longer mooed,
His sow had no brood,
And his hens forgot how to lay eggs.
--- Warrick Elrod

My fingers I fear are not green,
But I'm not giving up on this bean-
Stalk; It's twenty feet high
And I'm sure if I try,
It will soon be the tallest you've seen.
--- Peter Wilkins

Muffy is away down the field;
She assessing this year's corn yield.
The thing is, I hear,
She blows in each ear;
So now her secret is revealed.
--- Tony Burrell

An old gardener sniffled and cried
When half of his daffodils died.
For his trusty green thumb
Had begun to get numb,
And was turning light brown on one side.
--- Limber Limericks

Her garden the animals found,
And left tracks all over the ground.
The leafy green shoots
Nibbled back to the roots.
Total produce: well under a pound.
--- Kurt Hoesly P0106

In a book she found the idea
That applying human urea
Keeps the rabbits at bay;
Even deer stay away.
Cried Jan as she read this, "Eureka!"
--- Kurt Hoesly P0106

So determined to make this plan work,
She developed a really weird quirk --
She saves all her pee
In a jar, carefully...
A task Bruce and Sarah shirk.
--- Kurt Hoesly P0106

Will this work? We'll just have to wait
For the plants to grow back. Till that date
We'll let you place bets
If you can cover your debts.
Current odds for success: Nine to eight.
--- Kurt Hoesly P0106

I got up at dawn with the sun;
Had lots of yard work to be done.
I rolled up my sleeves
And tackled the leaves.
I fought the lawn...and it won!
--- Jumping Jack

First I got garden pond fever.
Now my poor wife's a believer.
She's out in the pond
Just trimming a frond.
Think I'll go try to retrieve her.
--- Rusty Smith

She said, "No, the water's too warm.
I must keep my fishies from harm."
So in goes the ice.
(A pick-up full...twice!)
Do you think I have cause for alarm?
--- Rusty Smith

Just want her to come back to bed.
She's cleaning the filter instead.
I swear that she drools
When thinking of schools
Of fish spawning out by the shed.
--- Rusty Smith

Soon with this pond stuff she'll smother
Her husband, two daughters, her mother.
She drives us all crazy
with "Pond is too hazy."
(I think I'll go dig us another.)
--- Rusty Smith

This disease I think has just spread
'Cross the pond and jumped right in my bed.
Black gunge on the side
Of my fishtank; my pride
And joy of a fish was near dead.
--- Joy Clare

So Sunday I spent the whole day
Scaping and cleaning away
All the slime and the goo,
The mulch and fish poo.
It made a real stench, I must say!
--- Joyclare

My goldfish is fifteen years old.
He's seen me through times hot and cold...
From student to wife,
Divorce and its strife,
Two kids and their joys to behold.
--- Joy Clare

A man who lived over in Leeds
Had a garden overgrown with weeds.
He'd dig and he'd curse
As his garden got worse,
A digger is what he really needs.
--- Funny Bone Collection

In college I studied agronomy.
I'd hoped to improve our economy.
Soils and crops I have known,
And through what I have grown,
I've discovered the joys of gastronomy.
--- Mimi

A green-thumbed young laddie named Bo,
Was the best in the town with a hoe!
When he planted fresh seeds,
There were not any weeds.
He'd plucked them; they'd nowhere to grow.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There once was a hose named Pete,
Who was afraid that he would spring a leak;
Watering flowers
And giving cold showers,
He feared that his future was bleak.
--- Katie Hasbrouck

It was hot in the garden today;
I'm dishevelled and in disarray.
The weather was not
The sole thing that was hot;
I went back to Nature to play.
--- Anon

I played and I wriggled and turned;
I found a few things I had learned.
In the sun, if I can.
I'd rather a man ,
Or it's not just my fingers get burned.
--- Anon

To her groundsman complained Lady Bliss,
"Carruthers, there's something amiss.
These drooping hydrangeas
Were praised once by strangers.
I think I know, sir, where you piss!"
--- David A Brooks Q

My wife's sister's brother-in-law
Was very upset when he saw
A hump or a bump,
In fact quite a lump,
Had grown in his living-room floor.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Now in his backyard stood a tree,
For years very worried was he,
That one day he'd find
His house undermined,
By roots. Had this now come to be?
--- Tiddy Ogg

The landlord he called on the phone;
The answer, the usual groan:
"Oh no, not again.
We've been out there ten
Times, lopping the thing; still you moan."
--- Tiddy Ogg

But Danny is giving them ructions,
And tree surgeons get their instructions.
And soon the old oak
Lies shattered and broke,
The victim of chainsaw destruction.
--- Tiddy Ogg

And now this cruel blow has been dealt,
The foreman and Danny have knelt;
The carpet back folden;
No roots they've beholden,
But old crumpled-up underfelt.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This story, alas, is quite true.
So folks, if one day, perhaps you
Find lumps 'neath shag pile,
Please pause for a while,
Ere calling that saw-wielding crew.
--- Tiddy Ogg

At my neighbor, I take no offense
When he lobs his weeds over my fence.
He's content to have lost 'em,
And I gladly compost 'em.
And that makes good gardening sense.
--- X Rowland Burnham P8512

This is file swm

A vegetable farmer named Hughes
Planned systems of sorting to use.
The results gave him pause
Till he figured the cause;
Now he's minding his peas in queues.
--- Lims For Year - 01

There once was a young man named Sean,
Who, one day while cutting the lawn;
Heard his neighbors all shout,
With good reason no doubt,
For he'd started his mowing at dawn.
--- Anon

They delivered it straight to the door;
Nearly twenty-five tons of manure.
For the seeds I will sow
And the beans I shall grow,
But it's more than the nose can endure.
--- Peter Wilkins

There once was a gardener named Slade
Who turned up the dirt with a spade.
After very much toil,
He planted the soil.
Behold! What a garden he made!
--- Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401

I went and mowed the lawn this morn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
--- Peter Wilkins

The nuns of St Bede's up in Jarrow,
Grow cucumber crops by the barrow.
But as they've expanded,
More girth is demanded;
Their gardens now all grow big marrows.
--- Tiddy Ogg

There was an old lady of Leeds
Who planted an assortment of seeds.
The birds picked up most,
But still she can boast
Of a rose and a garden of weeds.
--- Limerick John

There once was a tractor called Bert
Who pulled a cart over the dirt.
He went over some furrows,
And twelve rabbit burrows,
And said "Oh! Cor blimey! That hurt!"
--- Kevin Hale Q

My garden is causing distress,
For it's covered in weeds; I confess
That my gardening shears
Have been missing for years,
In the depths of this overgrown mess.
--- Peter Wilkins

My dear sweet gardener, Amelia,
You've been out there planting Lobelia.
Please won't you come in,
Though I know it's a sin.
Girl, I am just aching to feel ya.
--- Tony Burrell

There's fun to be had planting tulips;
Just use the right tool and mint juleps.
Booze goes in the pair
Above, while down there
The tool is employed to get through lips.
--- John Miller

My garden does burgeon quite nice,
Full of color and even some spice!
Rosemary and thyme
Go well with my rhyme;
I'll plant them with gardener's advice.
--- Maggie

A plainsman in Maine was heard sayin',
"It may be insane to complain
But this bane I am sprayin'
Like rain on the grain,
Is plainly decayin' my brain."
--- John Dole P9705

The tropical gardens, I'm sure
Are something we all can adore.
Their beauty stupendous;
Wild nature tremendous;
I hope they decide to build more.
--- Graham Lester

A very young farmer named Rand,
Bought a tractor one day, second hand.
He started to curse
When it hung in reverse,
And unplowed an acre of land.
--- Jim C Carpenter

My lawn is exceedingly well mown,
All thanks to sweet Debbie Malone,
Whose dear little twat
Has oft been the spot
Where the seed of my loins has been sown.
--- Peter Wilkins

This Tuesday I'm going to claim
The winning prize in the big game;
Take the 300 mill,
Move to Spain or Brazil,
Buy a boat, dye my hair, change my name.
--- Carol

My Darlin', buy diamonds, a mink
Fur coat, hacienda, and drink
Tequila and rum,
And all of my come!
With me there, you'll be tickled pink.
--- Travis Brasell

If someone could bottle the stuff,
I'm sure he would have quite enough
To fill up a quart
With one final squirt,
But the thought of it is pretty tough.
--- Squat

The next time you bathe in the buff,
And use white shampoo, to fluff
The hair on your head,
Recall that you said:
"If only we'd bottle that stuff.
--- Travis Brasell

I am not sure what I should do,
While scubbing my head fro and to.
For the bottle I use,
As I start to peruse,
Is marked in bold text: "Selsen Blue"!
--- Squat

What? He squirts blue? But that's sick!
He'd best seek a doctor right quick,
And get him a pill,
'Cause if he's that ill,
He might be losing his prick!
--- Marlene Lewis

That blue poo is from an old batch
I made when I squirted the thatch
On Miss Selsen's mound
And afterwards found
That dandruff was cured in her snatch.
--- Travis Brasell

So why did I not win the Lotto?
I simply don't play, that's my motto.
I'd have as much luck
As finding a duck
That could lay golden eggs in a grotto.
--- Hans

If 'twas lucky and I would be winnin',
It's certain that I would be grinnin'.
I'd find me a cutie
For sharin' the booty,
And all the day long, we'd be sinnin'.
--- Theater Gypsy

A ticket costs only a dollar,
And so my instinct I'll foller.
I'll purchase a ducat
And pray for the luck it
Will bring. In the money I'll waller!
--- Theater Gypsy

Deer, rats, rabbits, and moose;
Cheetahs, wolves, tigers, and goose;
'Round the channel he stared,
But then he got scared,
And decided it best to vamoose!
--- Tinbender

I wish that my room had a floor.
I don't care very much for the door.
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be such a bore.
--- Gelett Burgess

An illusionist, having a flair,
Made headlines with quite an affair:
As part of his show,
Rigged an airplane to go,
And it all disappeared in Finnair!
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0111

"I'll fix them," the conjuror sneered,
As the audience whistled and jeered.
"Though they all may be thick,
I'll present a new trick."
He did and the lot disappeared.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

There was an old man who said, "Well,
Will nobody answer the bell?
I have rung day and night
Till my hair has turned white,
And now I must go up to Hell!"
--- Anon

Of his assistant, he is right fond;
He levitates her with his wand.
He made a small gaffe --
He's sawed her in half.
How did you know she was blonde?
--- Anon

A novel magician did tricks
With anything made out of bricks.
Thirty buildings I hear
He made disappear.
Now he's in a terrible fix.
--- Jim Weaver Collection


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