The groom, at the end of his tether, A young farmer by the name of Glock, Let's have none of your sly hocus-pocus. There was an old farmer named Meggs, My fingers I fear are not green, Muffy is away down the field; An old gardener sniffled and cried Her garden the animals found, In a book she found the idea So determined to make this plan work, Will this work? We'll just have to wait I got up at dawn with the sun; First I got garden pond fever. She said, "No, the water's too warm. Just want her to come back to bed. Soon with this pond stuff she'll smother This disease I think has just spread So Sunday I spent the whole day My goldfish is fifteen years old. A man who lived over in Leeds In college I studied agronomy. A green-thumbed young laddie named Bo, There once was a hose named Pete, It was hot in the garden today; I played and I wriggled and turned; To her groundsman complained Lady Bliss, My wife's sister's brother-in-law Now in his backyard stood a tree, The landlord he called on the phone; But Danny is giving them ructions, And now this cruel blow has been dealt, This story, alas, is quite true. At my neighbor, I take no offense
This is file swm
A vegetable farmer named Hughes There once was a young man named Sean, They delivered it straight to the door; There once was a gardener named Slade I went and mowed the lawn this morn, The nuns of St Bede's up in Jarrow, There was an old lady of Leeds There once was a tractor called Bert My garden is causing distress, My dear sweet gardener, Amelia, There's fun to be had planting tulips; My garden does burgeon quite nice, A plainsman in Maine was heard sayin', The tropical gardens, I'm sure A very young farmer named Rand, My lawn is exceedingly well mown, This Tuesday I'm going to claim My Darlin', buy diamonds, a mink If someone could bottle the stuff, The next time you bathe in the buff, I am not sure what I should do, What? He squirts blue? But that's sick! That blue poo is from an old batch So why did I not win the Lotto? If 'twas lucky and I would be winnin', A ticket costs only a dollar, Deer, rats, rabbits, and moose; I wish that my room had a floor. An illusionist, having a flair, "I'll fix them," the conjuror sneered, There was an old man who said, "Well, Of his assistant, he is right fond; A novel magician did tricks
(Could have knocked him down with a feather.)
"I really don't see
How this thing can be;
As yet dear, we've not swept together."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Grew corn and raised different livestock.
He'd not drive the picker
Without drinking liquor,
To fight off his fear of corn shock.
--- Tom Patton P0407
In the spring you don't grow autumn crocus.
Flowers grow from a corm.
Well at least that's the norm.
So please, try to hang on to your focus.
--- Mimi
Whose old farm was on its last legs.
His cows no longer mooed,
His sow had no brood,
And his hens forgot how to lay eggs.
--- Warrick Elrod
But I'm not giving up on this bean-
Stalk; It's twenty feet high
And I'm sure if I try,
It will soon be the tallest you've seen.
--- Peter Wilkins
She assessing this year's corn yield.
The thing is, I hear,
She blows in each ear;
So now her secret is revealed.
--- Tony Burrell
When half of his daffodils died.
For his trusty green thumb
Had begun to get numb,
And was turning light brown on one side.
--- Limber Limericks
And left tracks all over the ground.
The leafy green shoots
Nibbled back to the roots.
Total produce: well under a pound.
--- Kurt Hoesly P0106
That applying human urea
Keeps the rabbits at bay;
Even deer stay away.
Cried Jan as she read this, "Eureka!"
--- Kurt Hoesly P0106
She developed a really weird quirk --
She saves all her pee
In a jar, carefully...
A task Bruce and Sarah shirk.
--- Kurt Hoesly P0106
For the plants to grow back. Till that date
We'll let you place bets
If you can cover your debts.
Current odds for success: Nine to eight.
--- Kurt Hoesly P0106
Had lots of yard work to be done.
I rolled up my sleeves
And tackled the leaves.
I fought the lawn...and it won!
--- Jumping Jack
Now my poor wife's a believer.
She's out in the pond
Just trimming a frond.
Think I'll go try to retrieve her.
--- Rusty Smith
I must keep my fishies from harm."
So in goes the ice.
(A pick-up full...twice!)
Do you think I have cause for alarm?
--- Rusty Smith
She's cleaning the filter instead.
I swear that she drools
When thinking of schools
Of fish spawning out by the shed.
--- Rusty Smith
Her husband, two daughters, her mother.
She drives us all crazy
with "Pond is too hazy."
(I think I'll go dig us another.)
--- Rusty Smith
'Cross the pond and jumped right in my bed.
Black gunge on the side
Of my fishtank; my pride
And joy of a fish was near dead.
--- Joy Clare
Scaping and cleaning away
All the slime and the goo,
The mulch and fish poo.
It made a real stench, I must say!
--- Joyclare
He's seen me through times hot and cold...
From student to wife,
Divorce and its strife,
Two kids and their joys to behold.
--- Joy Clare
Had a garden overgrown with weeds.
He'd dig and he'd curse
As his garden got worse,
A digger is what he really needs.
--- Funny Bone Collection
I'd hoped to improve our economy.
Soils and crops I have known,
And through what I have grown,
I've discovered the joys of gastronomy.
--- Mimi
Was the best in the town with a hoe!
When he planted fresh seeds,
There were not any weeds.
He'd plucked them; they'd nowhere to grow.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who was afraid that he would spring a leak;
Watering flowers
And giving cold showers,
He feared that his future was bleak.
--- Katie Hasbrouck
I'm dishevelled and in disarray.
The weather was not
The sole thing that was hot;
I went back to Nature to play.
--- Anon
I found a few things I had learned.
In the sun, if I can.
I'd rather a man ,
Or it's not just my fingers get burned.
--- Anon
"Carruthers, there's something amiss.
These drooping hydrangeas
Were praised once by strangers.
I think I know, sir, where you piss!"
--- David A Brooks Q
Was very upset when he saw
A hump or a bump,
In fact quite a lump,
Had grown in his living-room floor.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For years very worried was he,
That one day he'd find
His house undermined,
By roots. Had this now come to be?
--- Tiddy Ogg
The answer, the usual groan:
"Oh no, not again.
We've been out there ten
Times, lopping the thing; still you moan."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And tree surgeons get their instructions.
And soon the old oak
Lies shattered and broke,
The victim of chainsaw destruction.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The foreman and Danny have knelt;
The carpet back folden;
No roots they've beholden,
But old crumpled-up underfelt.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So folks, if one day, perhaps you
Find lumps 'neath shag pile,
Please pause for a while,
Ere calling that saw-wielding crew.
--- Tiddy Ogg
When he lobs his weeds over my fence.
He's content to have lost 'em,
And I gladly compost 'em.
And that makes good gardening sense.
--- X Rowland Burnham P8512
Planned systems of sorting to use.
The results gave him pause
Till he figured the cause;
Now he's minding his peas in queues.
--- Lims For Year - 01
Who, one day while cutting the lawn;
Heard his neighbors all shout,
With good reason no doubt,
For he'd started his mowing at dawn.
--- Anon
Nearly twenty-five tons of manure.
For the seeds I will sow
And the beans I shall grow,
But it's more than the nose can endure.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who turned up the dirt with a spade.
After very much toil,
He planted the soil.
Behold! What a garden he made!
--- Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
--- Peter Wilkins
Grow cucumber crops by the barrow.
But as they've expanded,
More girth is demanded;
Their gardens now all grow big marrows.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who planted an assortment of seeds.
The birds picked up most,
But still she can boast
Of a rose and a garden of weeds.
--- Limerick John
Who pulled a cart over the dirt.
He went over some furrows,
And twelve rabbit burrows,
And said "Oh! Cor blimey! That hurt!"
--- Kevin Hale Q
For it's covered in weeds; I confess
That my gardening shears
Have been missing for years,
In the depths of this overgrown mess.
--- Peter Wilkins
You've been out there planting Lobelia.
Please won't you come in,
Though I know it's a sin.
Girl, I am just aching to feel ya.
--- Tony Burrell
Just use the right tool and mint juleps.
Booze goes in the pair
Above, while down there
The tool is employed to get through lips.
--- John Miller
Full of color and even some spice!
Rosemary and thyme
Go well with my rhyme;
I'll plant them with gardener's advice.
--- Maggie
"It may be insane to complain
But this bane I am sprayin'
Like rain on the grain,
Is plainly decayin' my brain."
--- John Dole P9705
Are something we all can adore.
Their beauty stupendous;
Wild nature tremendous;
I hope they decide to build more.
--- Graham Lester
Bought a tractor one day, second hand.
He started to curse
When it hung in reverse,
And unplowed an acre of land.
--- Jim C Carpenter
All thanks to sweet Debbie Malone,
Whose dear little twat
Has oft been the spot
Where the seed of my loins has been sown.
--- Peter Wilkins
The winning prize in the big game;
Take the 300 mill,
Move to Spain or Brazil,
Buy a boat, dye my hair, change my name.
--- Carol
Fur coat, hacienda, and drink
Tequila and rum,
And all of my come!
With me there, you'll be tickled pink.
--- Travis Brasell
I'm sure he would have quite enough
To fill up a quart
With one final squirt,
But the thought of it is pretty tough.
--- Squat
And use white shampoo, to fluff
The hair on your head,
Recall that you said:
"If only we'd bottle that stuff.
--- Travis Brasell
While scubbing my head fro and to.
For the bottle I use,
As I start to peruse,
Is marked in bold text: "Selsen Blue"!
--- Squat
He'd best seek a doctor right quick,
And get him a pill,
'Cause if he's that ill,
He might be losing his prick!
--- Marlene Lewis
I made when I squirted the thatch
On Miss Selsen's mound
And afterwards found
That dandruff was cured in her snatch.
--- Travis Brasell
I simply don't play, that's my motto.
I'd have as much luck
As finding a duck
That could lay golden eggs in a grotto.
--- Hans
It's certain that I would be grinnin'.
I'd find me a cutie
For sharin' the booty,
And all the day long, we'd be sinnin'.
--- Theater Gypsy
And so my instinct I'll foller.
I'll purchase a ducat
And pray for the luck it
Will bring. In the money I'll waller!
--- Theater Gypsy
Cheetahs, wolves, tigers, and goose;
'Round the channel he stared,
But then he got scared,
And decided it best to vamoose!
--- Tinbender
I don't care very much for the door.
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be such a bore.
--- Gelett Burgess
Made headlines with quite an affair:
As part of his show,
Rigged an airplane to go,
And it all disappeared in Finnair!
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0111
As the audience whistled and jeered.
"Though they all may be thick,
I'll present a new trick."
He did and the lot disappeared.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Will nobody answer the bell?
I have rung day and night
Till my hair has turned white,
And now I must go up to Hell!"
--- Anon
He levitates her with his wand.
He made a small gaffe --
He's sawed her in half.
How did you know she was blonde?
--- Anon
With anything made out of bricks.
Thirty buildings I hear
He made disappear.
Now he's in a terrible fix.
--- Jim Weaver Collection