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A horny young fellow named Enos, A person should never make plans with A surgical patient from Mystic There once was a butcher called Eva, Young Tommy loved wearing things frilly An old Western husband named Fife An oversexed rancher from Butte There once was this man from Belgrade, Doc, yesterday while wielding my hatchet, A penitent rakehell named Johns Said epicure Fanny Burdette, (pre Bobbitt)
There was an old sailor named Spooner; A hungover rentboy named Dave, A girl of as graceful a mien, There was an old fellow named Fletcher, A cohabiting coot in East Cooter A curious mammal's the beaver; A statue-denutter named Newt An Arab Prince named Abdul, There was a young lad from New Haven A young harem guard leaned to retract it; A fellow from Radium Springs Lying, cheating and stealing don't mix; A lady who lived in Tibet They were married for better or worse; Oedipus, Oedipus, Oedipus Smith, A fellow who wanted a free lay There was a young man named Reg, A suspicious old lady of Datchet A newspaper printer named Jess There once was a pervert called Reg There was a young fellow from Datchet, A frustrated female of Burley, He approached her with gentle affection For all of the children it sired, With the heat of their passion quite high, A cowboy once thought he would brand There was an old man lived in Dublin; No-Dick Johnson, a charter club member, He's been trying to get some relief From your limerick I got such a tickle, Well, my wife heard me yell out in awe, On her face I could see her surprise, So she yelled, "You get into this house," A candler named Chandler once lusted A very old gent name of Crockett A foolish young streaker called Pete It has never occurred to me to try I've got myself into a pickle; I hear tell that Mrs. Revere The cowboy wore jeans very tight The bright lights of Christmas were twinkling, While pissing on deck, an old boatswain, There once was a man of Morocco, A horny young fellow named Paul, He planned they would go all the way, There was a young fellow named Pete, A nudist by name Roger Boe, When I was young and had no sense, There was a young man with a member The Professer, that poor foolish host, There once was a guy named Joe I once knew a pretty good trick, There once was this young wife named Lynn, There was a young man named Uhura, Sun worship's the thing with old Veach;
Liked to screw and then feed me his penis.
Till one day his wife,
Whipped out a knife,
And there's no hard feelings between us.
--- Loretta F TP9802
A gadget that one opens cans with.
The lid, sharp and round,
Very often falls down
And cuts off what you use to romance with.
--- Theo M Heller P9304
Went totally bonkers, ballistic;
When opening his gown
To pull out his (NOUN),
He found they had lopped off his piss stick.
--- Armand E Singer 477
Who carelessy manhandled her cleaver.
Whilst shagging Old Mick,
She sliced off his dick,
And went without filling her beaver.
--- Anon
And thought his appendage looked silly.
So he changed his whole life
With a very sharp knife,
And now he's not Tommy, he's Tilly.
--- David Axton
Found cowhands in bed with his wife.
He picked up his Greener (shotgun)
And shot off their weiner
Then cut off their nuts with a knife.
--- Armand E Singer 463
Is just an unprincipled brute;
Why his wife caught him coming
In their own daughter's plumbing,
And lopped off his prick at the root.
--- Armand E Singer 861
Who pissed on the Turks as they prayed.
Said the Turk, "Bugger this!
This is certainly piss!"
So they hacked off his prick with a spade.
--- Trevor Hennock
It slipped before I could catch it.
It sliced through my pants
And severed my lance.
Do you think that perhaps you could patch it?
--- Shakes Younger Bro T9707
Ceased sex to become a true bonze, (Buddhist monk)
But their rules were so strict
That they had him depricked;
He begged them, "Preserve it in bronze!"
--- Armand E Singer 657
"I've known but one minor regret.
I've longed deeply to slice
Off my husband's device,
And serve it as 'prick vinaigrette'."
--- Armand E Singer 419
Who met a young lass and harpooned her.
She asked, "In as much
As your weapon lacked touch,
Mind if next time I wield a small pruner?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Rose at twelve for a shit and a shave;
But his uncertain grip
Caused the razor to slip;
He now earns his living as Maeve.
--- Simon Whitechapel
As ever in London was seen,
Stepped into a pub,
Hit a man with a club,
And razored to shreds, his machine.
--- L1196
A lewd and perverted old lecher.
In a spirit of meanness,
He cut off his penis,
And now he regrets it, I betcha.
--- L1420
Proved to be an unsuitable suitor...
When he cried to Miss Wise,
"Let's try it for size!"
Her wrathful Dad rendered him neuter.
--- Grand Prix Lim 518
The one's women carry are teasers.
Men lose their shirts
When girls lift their skirts,
And then chop off their pricks with a cleaver.
--- Anon TP9901
Thought statues with no nuts were cute.
But his efforts did fizzle
When he slipped with his chisel
And he severed his prick at the root.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1809
Was blessed with a marvelous jewel,
Till a girl named Loreena
Climbed up the verbena,
And severed his sixteen-inch tool.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who decided his balls needed shavin'.
He slipped with his Shick
And sliced off his dick,
And now he's in Middletown, ravin'!
--- Anon
Passed as eunuch, (let nothing distract it).
But aroused by femme charm,
This lad bought the farm,
When the sheik spied his whatnot and hacked it.
--- Allen Wolverton
Built a pair of magnifient wings;
But he shouldn't have orta
Flown low over worta --
A duck hunter shot off his things.
--- Hugh Oliver 99b
Consider the tale of Bob Fix.
He bedded Clyde's Bonnie;
Clyde sliced his salami.
Now he's know as Robert Nobricks.
--- MrMalo
Did something she'll always regret.
When her husband was found
On a girl on the ground
She cut off his whole 3-piece set
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0406
She shed tears as she followed his hearse.
And she'll never forget
That dear 3-piece set,
Which she carries around in her purse.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0406
Could copulate only with kin and/or kith.
Till they cut off his penis,
And thereafter Venus,
To him was a beautiful, innocent myth.
--- L1699
Made a trade for some pussy at Ebay.
As he mailed off his pecker
He said, "What the heck! For
If worst comes to worst, I can be gay."
--- Don Moore P2005
Who was courting a girl in the hedge.
His wife came along,
With a carving knife on,
And cut off his meat and two veg.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Cut her husband's prick off with a hatchet,
And she hid it away
In her fridge in a tray,
For she feared some young lady would snatch it.
--- Albin Chaplin
Lost part of his dick in the press.
It showed up in "Sports,"
Complete with the warts,
Sticking right up a cheerleader's dress.
--- David Miller
Who molested a girl in a hedge.
Along came his wife
With a huge carving knife
And cut off his meat and two veg
--- Anon
Who cut off his tool with a hatchet.
When someone asked why,
He was heard to reply,
"It removes the temptation to scratch it."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
On finding her mate had come early,
Laid her hand on an axe
And with one or two whacks,
Soon reduced him to one short and curly
--- Hugh Oliver A042B
This is file sul
And a prominent outthrust erection.
But the love of his life
Grabbed a big carving knife,
And--(see Diagram 6: Conic Section).
--- G1970
My knob was so greatly admired,
But somewhat ill-fated.
'Twas sadly cremated
Last night when my cooker backfired.
--- SFA
In the dark she had grabbed the K-Y,
But her burning desire,
Quickly set him on fire,
When she smeared that Ben-Gay on the guy.
--- Anon
An onery heifer by hand.
She kicked him in the fire;
Now his voice is much higher;
He unmanned himself, branding his gland.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8412 A
Heats his soup on the hearth until bubblin'.
Tried to dish a bowl quick;
Spilled it all on his dick;
And he burned it right down to a nubblin'.
--- Anon
Had an accident all could remember.
With his thumb in his pocket,
Stuck his dick in a socket;
His member was burned to an ember,
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0503
from the time change that caused so much grief.
Said Den', with a shout,
"My candle's gone out!
And left a big hole in my briefs!"
So I'll tell you about my old pickle.
As I peed in the snow,
I felt winter winds blow
And my dick was froze like an icicle.
--- Robert Birch
For I looked down and guess what I saw?
'Twas my short little dick,
Just as hard as a brick,
And I cried out, "Come look at this, maw!"
--- Robert Birch
Seems she could not believe her own eyes,
For my little old cock
Was froze firm as a rock,
And in fact it looked two times it's size.
--- Robert Birch
As she tore off her skirt and her blouse.
Though the weather was frightful,
We shared things delightful,
On that day that I cold-cocked my spouse!
--- Robert Birch
For a lady he should have mistrusted.
Where she put his candle
Was too hot to handle,
And that's how his candle combusted.
--- Pierce Evans
Stuck his erection into a light socket.
He richocheted off the walls,
And set fire to his balls,
But it would make him come like a rocket.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Once ran in the nude down the street,
But the frosts of December
Damaged his member
And rendered his manner effete.
--- Michael Horgan
A pecker inside the deep-fry.
Original or crispy?
Or seasoned with whiskey?
Nah, I like 'em attached to a guy!
--- Anon
My dong is now an icicle.
I called over my girl
To give it a whirl,
But she wouldn't because she is fickle.
--- Chilly Willy T9711
Said, "Dress warmly. It's cold out, my dear.
You'd look pretty silly
With a frostbitten willy!
And our sexlife would suffer I fear!"
--- Scott Amsden
As he ventured out into the night;
He couldn't help sneezing
And ended up freezing
The part of him seeing the light.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
While old cousin Edgar was tinkling
'Neath the back of a bush,
And he froze off his tush,
And the owners had nary an inkling.
--- Cap'n Bean P9901
Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.
It snapped at the shank,
And it fell off and sank,
In the sea--'twas his own fault for dozin'.
--- L1135
Who did dip his wick in hot choco.
Letting out a loud yelp,
He went running for help,
For he'd seared off the tip of his cock! Oh!
--- Glenn Calvin
Stuck his cock in a plug in the wall.
It was juicy and hot
And he liked it a lot,
And the plug didn't mind it at all.
--- Ogden Nield
While mushing along in a sleigh.
But at forty below,
His desire wouldn't grow.
It shrank like a fallen souffle.
--- Anon
Liked to dance in the snow and the sleet.
One chilly November
He froze every member,
And retired to a monkish retreat.
--- L1206
Loved to dance in the sleet and the snow,
And one chilly December
He thawed his froze member,
On DEFROST--in his trusty micro.
--- Arthur Deex P9402
I stuck my dick to an electric fence.
It curled my hair
And tickled my balls,
And made me come in my overalls.
--- Allanon
That would only stand up in December.
He said, "Then it's too cold
For a hard-on to hold;
I wish it would work in September.
--- Anon
Was in charge of this week's wiener roast,
Placed his dick on the grill,
Then he let out a SHRILL!
'Cause his lovemeat had been turned to toast!
--- Anon
Who thought he would piss in the snow.
Before he thought twice,
His pee turned to ice;
Now that was a sight to behold.
--- Calvin Kennedy
That began with a flick of my Bic.
I would set fire
To my dick, like a pyre,
And squash out the flames with a brick.
--- Dirty MacDuff
Who caught her husband fucking her kin.
Feeling so heinous,
She scalded his penis,
And he never pulled that shit again!
--- Laurence Craft
Who loved to play with tempura.
The scalding hot batter
On his tumescent matter
Had him singing in coloratura.
--- Robert Elliot
He'll cook his fore parts on the beach;
If his dink turns bright red,
No physicians: instead,
He soaks his poor organ in bleach.
--- Armand Singer
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