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Or Jan, as she lay on her palm Or May, who conducted a study Or Hazel, that little go-getter, There's many, I guess, who might blunder A fortnight ago I had Jane, There was a young fellow from France In his padded cell lives Sammy Splay There was a bloke called Mike Hunt, Amid all the hairs it was rubbin', There was a bloke called Mike Hunt I think that somewhere it is written, It's not like me to be a groaner, There was an old codger named Straw He went to a doctor named Mike The reaming was done with dispatch; There was a young man from East Anglia, He sure's not the man I have known, Determined on self-circumcision, A fatal mistake, indecision; So go, young man, make that incision! When young, I had little sense; When I was young and had no sense, There was an old man of Athlone But then he met Midas the King, "My Travis and me, we're a pair," On alternate days, then, there's Bess, But mostly, it's been a good life, I woke up in bed, feeling raw While old Trav lies in pain in the orch- Now Travis, I know of a lout That lout of yours sounds like Nurse Harris, Though the fact may come as a surprise, In Men's rooms, as I watch each peer, But with uncut goyim nearby, On Thursday a man attacked Heidi, Not to sound masty or mean The mortician at work had a sight She burst into tears and then fled. There once was a man from Turkey, His wife said, "Excuse my candor." There once was a man from Salt Lake, His wives, they all took care of that, "He can't get elected 'round here. A news item we couldn't miss, If such reparations are due, While paying obeisance to Freud, To prevent any damage, my dear, I think the idea's quite grand; That should do the trick, it is true, 'Twas maybe a hundred years back, He lived in a plain country cabin, When Nature called, he did wink: "For a whiz, sump'n easy I'll seek"; Underneath lurked a rooster so lean, Brew's tool still worked but was tattered, With my dick all curled up in a sling, Well John, that's the way it goes, It's so crusty now that I'd require If only that brush were attached A vacuum's a dangerous thing, An inflatable doll in Vancouver, A cowboy from West Amarillo, That cowboy from West Amarillo, Well Sir, take care with that filly; I've built me a condom of steel, There was a young fellow named Dick, 'Twas a fearful and wonderful sight,
Applying a warm, soothing balm,
To my sore aching thing.
What more did she sing
Than a beautiful, worshiping psalm?
--- John Miller
Of peni, and said to me, "Buddy,
You know, of course,
That belongs on a horse,"
And pawed it until it was bloody?
--- John Miller
Who said, as she pulled off her sweater,
"It looks so forlorn,
All tattered and torn,
Shall I kiss it and make it all better?"
--- John Miller
And spill all the beans, but I wonder
Who'd be indisreet
Or stoop to deceit
And tell David Miller, down under.
--- John Miller
My peter's now doubled in pain.
It isn't the clap
Or any such crap,
Just post-screwing trauma and strain.
--- John Miller
Whose tool was as sharp as a lance.
No wonder the ladies
Would always evade his
Polite invitations to dance.
--- Michael Horgan
Who models gal's plumbing in clay...
Ceramic coition
Has him in sad condition.
For he's worn his own plumbing away!
--- Grand Prix Lim 703
Who had a knob that was blunt.
He'd worn it away
Attempting a lay,
So now t'wouldn't fit in a cunt.
--- Funny Bone
My schlong is reduced to a nubbin.
But Cybe, don't you mock;
It still packs a shock,
Though only the edge it is scrubbin'.
--- Anon
Who had a knob that was blunt.
It was so worn down
While playing around,
That it wouldn't fit into a cunt.
--- Anon
That people who call their home Britain,
Should steer clear of France
Lest the thing in their pants
Be viciously clawed by some Kitten.
--- Frank Fazed
But something has scratched up my boner.
After I catch my breath,
And before I bleed to death,
I'll dash off to be a blood doner.
--- Frank Fazed
Who developed a terrible flaw;
His prostate grew large,
Cock wouldn't discharge,
Certainly no cause for hurrah!
--- Anon
Who said "You may be far down the pike.
We'll give you a ream
To bring back your stream.
That will certainly open the dike."
--- Anon
Now no other his performance can match.
His erections are bigger;
He fucks with great vigor;
He's now the best catch in the batch.
--- Anon
Who walked around flashing his ganglia.
On Colchester road
A dog grabbed his choad,
And now the lad's ganglia's danglia.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who used as a mast his long bone.
Lagged behind in a race,
But got help from Miss Grace
As over the dike he was blown.
--- Dirruk
Young Danny takes aim with precision.
He's just had a jack,
Now he takes up the slack,
Raises hacksaw, but woe...indecision.
--- Peter Wilkins
For self-circumcision needs vision,
And plenty of guts;
With no ifs, ands, or buts,
For mistakes may take years of revision.
--- Peter Wilkins
Don't dither; just hack with precision,
And vision
What the hell'd you call that?
An object of utter derision?
--- Peter Wilkins
I peed on an electric fence.
Thus a sparking erection
With resulting convection,
Till the farmer cried "Get thee hence!"
--- John Henry
I peed on an electric fence.
I thought I had died,
When my manhood fried,
And I fill my overalls hence.
--- Keith Lehman
Whose pecker had turned into stone.
This delighted his wife,
But it blighted his life,
For it felt as though he were alone.
--- Anon
And saw that he had a gold thing.
And his life was adventure
Without his great "censored",
And that old man started to sing.
--- Eydol
She said, with a faraway stare,
"Although there are days,
That sometimes he strays
To the barn to spend time with the mare.
--- Observer
And that leaves his boots in a mess.
He don't like my bitchin',
But tracks in my kitchen
Can cause consternation and stress.
--- Observer
And I've cherished my bein' his wife.
Though lately, it seems,
I've had recurring dreams
About Loreena B. and her knife!
--- Observer
And standing close by me was Maw,
My dear beloved wife,
Who said, "This damn knife
Wouldn't cut it, so I used the saw!"
--- Travis Brasell
Ard, us good ol' boys laugh on the porch;
We'd have been more amused
If perchance, she had used
An oxyacetylene torch!
--- Allen Wolverton
Who for pennies, will fix up your spout.
With duct tape and glue
He'll add something new;
Just make sure the head faces out!
--- Squat
Who once made from plaster of paris,
A mold of my dick,
Then shaped a big stick --
The bat used by Yank Roger Maris.
--- Travis
It isn't quite as you surmise.
When but a wee tot,
The moyel sure got
The foreskin she sought as a prize.
--- Chris Papa
I can't tell when Arabs are near,
Since they've lost a few
Of wee foreskins, too,
And thus should be Jews' friends, so dear.
--- Chris Papa
This is file srl
Watch out for your shoes, you know why.
Lest from dangling skin,
You are standing in
What also runs down inner thigh.
--- Chris Papa
Which she thought uncouth and untidy.
So she laundered his tool
With Pennzoil and steel wool,
Leaving only a stump by late Friday.
--- John Miller
But Heidi became Mrs. Clean.
Asked what to do
With that stump so new,
She replied, "Let's just paint it green!"
--- Arden
Of old Fred who had died in the night.
Full twelve inches long
Was the dead client's schlong.
He brought it home to give his wife a fright.
--- Tom Accousti
"I'm so sorry," her husband then said.
"Well, it gave me a shock
When you opened the box,
'Cause I didn't know Freddie was dead!"
--- Tom Accousti
With a dick like a stick of beef jerky;
Leathered and tough
And sandpaper rough,
His wife must have really been quirky.
--- Anon
And calmly goosed the old gander.
Said, "I'll smooth your pecker
With my Black and Decker
Quarter-sheet finishing sander."
--- Anon
Though seventeen wives he would take.
From this constant boff,
His pecker fell off;
He frantically searched for a fake.
--- Marlene
As they threw him his coat and his hat.
Told him with distaste,
"You have been replaced,
By our new playmate democrat."
--- Marlene
No one believes he is sincere.
We've taken him in;
This way we all win.
And you can stick that in your ear!
--- Marlene
Since writing anon about briss.
Some guy, circumsized,
A suit has apprised
Will now bring him cash and some bliss.
--- Chris Papa
Why not give him foreskin anew?
Just transplant a flap
On the ailing chap,
So he, too, can pee on his shoe.
--- Chris Papa
Such a transplant to replace the void
Just might be done;
A singular one,
With skin from his drooping hemorrhoid.
--- Daniel Ford
Use hard exercise, front and rear,
Thus making your phallus
Develop a callous;
You'll have nothing further to fear.
--- Scott
I don't want to be e'er unmanned.
But I really don't know
How these callouses grow --
Do you think I should take it in hand?
--- Martin Rand
But it may take a decade or two.
Try rubbing your pubes
With sandpaper tubes.
That's what all the best fellows do.
--- Indiana Millwart
When great-uncle Brewster, the black
Young sheep of the clan,
His mischief began;
As a boy, yet, he tickled our Pack.
--- Anon
Mostly on the floor idly babblin';
No wall-to-wall rug,
Just planks not too snug;
With knotholes; could hear chickens cacklin'.
--- Anon
"Too far to the outhouse, I think;
It's chilly at night;
Noon sun is too bright;
That hut has an eye-blazin' stink!"
--- Anon
He found a solution, that sneak!
He lowered his crank
Through a hole in a plank
On the floor; Ah, yes! Took a leak!
--- Anon
Such a worm, he had ne'er before seen;
Like lightnin' that rooster
Did gnash poor ol' Brewster;
Such a ruckus! Loud screams so unclean!
--- Anon
When pissing, things 'round him got splattered;
At the General Store
They'd laugh, and they'd roar;
"Two cocks in the yard? One gets battered!"
--- Anon
And a sore on my tongue and my fing-
Ers are all swollen
From yesterday's bowlin',
Oh Kathy, I can't do a thing.
--- John Miller
Yet my passion for you grows and grows;
Your feet are so stinky,
A toe-job'd be kinky;
And just what can you do with your nose?
--- John Miller
This brush here, that I've made from wire.
So please take a hold
Of your crusty old,
So that I can scrub it, entire.
--- Anon
To you and was known as a snatch,
I'd let you scrub
My dick in the tub
All night -- Do you have such a patch?
--- Anon
'Cause its suction is certain to bring
A priapic distension
And permanent tension.
I know, 'cause my dick's in a sling!
--- Peter W
Was souped up by Pete to improve her.
He increased her suction,
By crotch reconstruction.
Her twat's now a late model Hoover.
--- Irish a
Is walking quite bow-legged still, for
He got caught in the rain
And it was such a pain
When it rusted his codpiece of Brillo.
--- Joe Long
The one with the codpiece of Brillo,
Got run out of town,
And still wears a frown
From his last indiscreet pecadillo.
--- Joe Long
The surprise you will get is a dilly!
Take myself, for example,
When I last tried a sample,
My dick was renamed, Willy Nilly.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That covers from forehead to heel.
But those diamond tipped gnashers,
Those genital mashers,
Will no doubt, still get her a meal.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who perfected a wonderful trick.
With a safe for protection,
He'd get an erection,
And then balance himself on his prick.
--- L1398
And the ladies all shrieked with delight,
But the men were less zealous,
For it made them all jealous,
And they said that it wasn't polite.
--- L1399
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