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The time I've lost in wooing, Though Wisdom oft has sought me, You rich guys, who seek trophy wife, Ladies, if it works as it should, I'm backwards, there's something amiss; Forgive me, friends, if I unload; I think that the key, in the end, Listen now to my limerick of love, You wanted a guy who's in touch Of course, babe, you know that I care. There was an old person named Stout, A gentleman from Waterloo, An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings The cost of the American dollar There once was a fellow called Doyle A compulsive young maniac called Pete, A thoughtful old man of Lahore, There once was a lady named Jude, Having made a remark rather coarse, (gorse - junipers)
A disasterous old man of the States, My VISA! Oh no, it's expired! There was a young fellow named Marty, There once was a guy from L.A. In Melbourne there was this mad guy, A florist named Michael P. Sweazy Marsha, where I am, I can't hack It; A timid young woman named Jane A shy lady was driven to tears There was a young girl of Asturias, At whist drives and strawberry teas, An indefatigable woman name Bavel A nutty old banker named Fender, The case of the bruise or contusion A nasty young person called Bert A Puritan preacher from Cheltenham, I brought home a brand new TV There was a young broker from Kew A heavy swift backhand's the ticket I once met a man from the South, A chap they all call Aloysius, I've been trying to think of a theme, (Enron accounting and auditing made for bankruptcy 2002)
A very wise lady named Byrd It'a so entertaining to shark There once was a wicked old crone While browsing for relics historic, A package marked "Handle With Care!"; That James is one hell of a guy; There was a young man from Berlin A Puritan father named Wyeth, In her job, Mrs. Burford was smug. In business, rules tended to blur; In Canada folks are now wise Since now I must make true confession-- If there's one thing that people dislike... My neighbor's a very strange feller; When I'm troubled and call 911, Folks 'round these parts call me "Professor;" There's a Portuguese person named Howell, Congress did pass a decree But now, here's the sinister trick: The rights sold on the forest auction block; Why would they do this evil deed? Why would Clinton sign such a pact? We all mourn our heritage lost In numerous tete-a-tete sessions From the West to the fabulous East, There was an anarchist from Maine;
In watching and pursuing
They light that lies
In women's eyes,
Has been my heart's undoing.
--- T Moore died 1852 (Bibby)
I scorned the lore she brought me,
My only books
Were women's looks,
And folly's all they've taught me.
--- T Moore died 1852 (Bibby)
To enhance a few years of your life,
For a fee, we will function
To provide introduction --
But do not promise freedom from strife.
--- Dr Limerick
You two should stay married for good --
Until death do you part,
Then the real fun will start,
When disinherited kids file suit.
--- Dr Limerick
I meet men who seem princes and kiss
Them -- they turn into frogs,
The S.O.B. dogs!
Am I crazy, to keep seeking bliss?
--- Tamara Alibeckoff
Not every Ex was a toad.
And the nasty one's gaffe's,
May yet make for good laughs,
Further down on this limerick road.
--- Tamara Alibeckoff
To love is to love a good friend.
Lust is sublime
But friendship in time,
Will all of your troubles transcend.
--- Karen
With the moon as my witness above.
As a practical guy,
I declare that I'll try
To be yours 'til you give me the shove.
--- Virge
With emotions and feelings and such.
Let's sit down and share;
Lay our deepest thoughts bare.
Is it all right if I don't say much?
--- Virge
I was paying attention, I swear.
Didn't I say before,
How I really adore
That new thing than you've done with your hair?
--- Virge
Who aimlessly wandered about.
He would drop in and say
In a vague sort of way,
"Do excuse me. I'm just going out."
--- Anon
Had nothing whatever to do. (This kind of stupid,
He sat on the stairs, ridiculous, wishy-washy,
And counted his hairs, bullshitty, parody will give
And found he had seventy-two. limericks a bad name - McW)
--- Anon
Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
But he was not removed
Till one day it was proved
That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
--- Edward Gorey
Makes all us Canadians holler,
"It just isn't fair
That ours goes nowhere
But down, while theirs is so much taller."
--- Louise Halperin P8301
Who covered up people with soil
Long before they were dead --
Which made them see red
And bring placid chaps to a boil.
--- Michael Palin
Was obsessed with malatreating his feet.
He'd plunge them in SPAM
Till they looked like a ham,
Then dance all the way down his street.
--- Mike O'Conner
When a subject was getting a bore,
Would wisely arrange
Conversation to change
By falling in fits on the floor
--- C Harris
Who was such an impeccable prude,
That she pulled down the blind,
When changing her mind,
Lest a curious eye should intrude.
--- Anon
A young lady was seized with remorse.
She fled from the room,
And later, a groom
Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
--- Edward Gorey
Inadvertently smashed all his plates.
He knocked over a chair,
And ignited his hair,
And mislaid a whole truckload of crates.
--- Anon
A car thief...my car is hotwired!
I'll walk home very broke
And then I'll see smoke,
"My house!" and then my boss says "You're fired!"
--- Magunda
Who often behaved like a smarty.
He rolled up his pants
And shouted, "Let's dance!"
When he joined the Republican Party.
--- Cyber Geezer
He planted flowers in May.
He watered them lots
And tied them in knots,
And threw them into the bay!
--- Danielle B
Thought he was immortal -- can't die.
He wielded a sword,
And prayed to the Lord,
"Please don't skoosh pepper spray in my eye!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was known to be a bit crazy.
He'd expect you to pay
For his silly bouquet
Of a rose and a large Shasta daisy.
--- Bob Birch P9803
So I'll grab what I need and I'll pack it.
Then during the night
I'll try to take flight,
If I can just can undo my straight-jacket.
--- Anon
Found parties a terrible strain.
With movements uncertain
She'd hide in the curtain
And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
--- Edward Gorey
By her own uncontrollable fears.
She said, "Naming each kind
Would tax my poor mind,
And require a number of years."
--- Vincent Torre P9406
Whose temper was frantic and furious.
She used to throw eggs
At her grandmother's legs--
A habit unpleasant, but curious.
--- Anon
Fran would giggle and show off her knees;
But when she was alone
She'd drink eau de cologne,
And weep from a sense of unease.
--- Edward Gorey
Had often occasion to travel.
On the way she would sit
And furiously knit,
And on the way back she'd unravel.
--- Edward Gorey
On a pyromaniacal bender,
Torching money with glee,
Felt the judge would agree
He was just burning legal tinder.
--- Cyber Geezer
Imposed, through a hapless confusion
Of people, on Fred,
But intended instead
For one Bert, and the matter's conclusion.
--- Anon
This is file slm
Had a brother named Fred, who was hurt
By a fellow who thought
He was Bert, but was taught
By this error to be more alert.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who loves to stone sinners by pelting 'em,
Cried, "Those without vice
Can cast even twice;
The rest, grab a stick and start belting 'em."
--- Armand E Singer 765
And switched on but naught could I see.
Now here comes the rub:
When bought in a pub,
You don't get a year's guarantee.
--- Anon
Who was talked into sniffing some glue.
Then the hustler was high,
He decided to try
A spectacular run on ECU. (old name for Euro)
--- Sepp Weidacher
For all those who want to be wicked.
Punishment corporal
Is the way to go
For all folks whose heads have grown thicket.
--- Anon
Whose manner was somewhat uncouth;
He'd constantly swear,
Driving decent folk spare,
Till some soap was applied to his mouth.
--- Anon
Of his wife and a friend grew suspicious.
Quicker than you'd think,
He found them by the sink,
But they were only doing the dishes.
--- Mervyn Cripps
About which the words would just stream.
But creative, I'm not,
So I could learn a lot
From Enron's old auditing scheme.
--- Hans
Said, "Three of the worst lies I've heard:
Your check's in the mail;
I'm not married, sweet tail;
I won't come in your mouth, is the third."
--- David Miller
The old ladies out in Morgan Park.
They tremble in fright
And sometimes recite
The Gospel According to Mark.
--- Slim Goodbuzz P0503
Who lived in a cave in Athlone.
Her bed was of rock,
Of tree-bark her frock,
And her stick was a dead man's thigh-bone.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
A new wife became simply euphoric!
For she'd seen an old vase,
And it lit up her face!
It was rubber-stamped "genuine Doric".
--- Anon
The label became my private dare.
Banged, battered and bashed,
With bureaucracy clashed;
Had it been safe, this would have been rare.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
He can look you right square in the eye,
And feed you his bull
Till you are really full,
'Cause he's mastered the Art of the Lie.
--- Bob Leclerc
Who had prayed that Hitler would win.
Now he's cleaning the shoes
Of the Golders Green Jews.
Have they got it in for him!
--- Spike Mulligan
Accused of a sin he denieth,
Admits that forsooth
To tell the whole truth.
He sure as hell constantly tryeth.
--- Armand E Singer 452
If things went awry, she would shrug
And remark, "Why the haste
To remove toxic waste?
Let's sweep is all under the rug."
--- Isadore Lippman P8304
Strange happenings came to occur.
When the shit hit the fan,
Somehow I was the man
To whom all the blame would refer.
--- L E Ott P0206
That our Crude Barons and their Oil Guys
Plan to, just for a start,
Rip our wild lands apart,
And lay claim to the Ignoble Prize.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201
I've been guilty of every transgression:
Oppression, obsession,
Agression, possession,
And, last but not least, indescretion.
--- Laurence Perrine P9305
Never call them a fag or a dyke.
Plus the "N" word's taboo.
And when you see a Jew,
For heaven's sake, never say 'Kike."
--- Bic Willis TP9807
He makes some strange noise in his cellar.
There are those grunts and groans
And terrible moans,
And all of his kids have turned yeller.
--- Tony Burrell
I expect some fast service, bar none.
But I got an airhead
And this the voice said:
"If someone was killed, please press one."
--- Al Willis
In all games of chance, I's the bes', sir;
Be it card-games or dice,
You'll be fleeced in a trice,
So leave some loose change on yo' dresser...
--- Robin K Willoughby P8503
Who lays on his lies with a trowel;
Should he give over lying,
'Twill be when he's dying,
For living is lying with Howell.
--- Dante G Rossetti
That said: "Any sick or dead tree
Could be chopped with an axe
And bought without tax
By our friends, the lumber companies."
--- Megarator
Who's to decide which tree's sick?
The Forest Service can mark
Whole areas of any park
Without threat from consevationist hicks!
--- Megarator
Of value , we can never take stock.
The highest bidder was free
To log every tree.
Only sick ones? That was a crock.
--- Megarator
The answer: corruption and greed.
All dollars made
From this unequal trade,
The departmental budget would feed.
--- Megarator
Gore is known for environment tact?
Makes no sense to me,
But now all can see
He is by no means a Green Democrat.
--- Megarator
And what gain was made for such cost?
Campaign purses were fed
By Special Interests in bed
And the public's best interest got tossed.
--- Megarator
We indulged in mutual confessions.
The two of us vying
By boasting and lying
To have made the more sordid transgressions.
--- Laurence Perrine P9306
Lies the natural world (used to at least).
Look for forest or den,
In zoo, farm, or pen;
Now it's Man that is really the beast.
--- E O Parrot
Many people thought him insane.
As he lit up the flag,
That nasty, shit-rag,
He'd tell of the masses in pain.
--- Langston Reed
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