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There was a young man from Atlanta, I once owned a pig that could fly; A girl stole a ring from a Quilt Big cities are reeking with grief; A nasty old man of Cologne, Mused a linguist of wide reputation, Teenage Joanie has arrogant airs, There was a young person of Bateman's An inexact lad, Alexander, As the circus was quite an event, Time was when all news traveled late, A group of punk rockers from Cheltenham "I have twelve different names," whispered he. A fellow whose spiritual growth At the modern U.S. university There once was a liar named Sue, A jolly old fellow called Boakes A great crastinator is Joe; A myopic bird-watcher named Fleegle, I look bad when I wake up, I do. No, I didn't, you raunchy old fart, At a cheerleading contest one day There was an old puzzler, Ben Ross, When Old MacDonald grew too old, Mrs Malaprop said, "I'm by far The fair sex is men; I declare. A women on welfare named Gahms When Gary the gardener grew peas, "Doc, can I read with these glasses?" There was a young fellow named Byron A fellow who lived on the Rhine, A flea once lived on a pheasant "What makes you think Admiral Lear An old time comedian named Bertie I invited best friend for a plate. Because of graffiti, a curfew, An intrepid explorer named Bliss Our Herbie just did homicide; Said a zealous young student named Coles, Faith and Charity's Mom kept a journal A noted philosopher Rand If you have a cow and a calf, (How long is not a giraffe, How Long is a Chinese boy.)
A lady from Louth with a lisp An IRS agent ought not be A crazy old man named O'Keefe, If Knott's Berry Farm merged with NOW, (NOW - National Organization of Women)
A financial advisor named Chance "In Athens what caused the delay I offer a riddle for spring ( Pilgrims )
If many gooses are geese, This toy of mine's a favorite pick; All these jokes here, they do suck. There was an Old Person who said, A linguist down in Berea On this nation's roadways great sprawl, A parrot who obviously knew Bird' silence, the owner would stun. Who runs in the whole human race? Mused a film fan in far Pago Pago, There was a young maiden from Multerry, A practical joker, McCarty, Said the puppeteer's helper, Miss Krings, Platform 1 we departed at nine, (Paris, see first letters each line)
Farmer Moss said, "I'm oft at a loss "Those are deer tracks," said Tracy to Jane. A columnist set out in quest
Who once heated up a decanter.
The decanter fell down
And burned up a town,
And that is enough of this banter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Ronald Reagan is witty and spry;
Rocks do not fall;
Love conquers all;
Life's a puppy dog; you don't die.
--- Beelzebub TP9806
And the theft had been proved to the hilt;
"Discharged," she was told,
"It was made of pure gold,
And thus there was no sign of guilt."
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9206
A haven for rapist and thief.
And designed in a way
So that half of us pay
To maintain all the rest on relief.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G2360
Purchased all of his pastry by phone.
When they sent him a muffin,
He got all in a huff 'n
Insisted he'd ordered a scone.
--- James Drinards
After moments of rapt contemplation
Of naughty graffiti
On the walks of his city,
"One might call it Polish Notation."
--- William J Wilson P0607
And her favorite expression's "Who cares?"
She is known for her lip
And is rumored to rip
All the DON'T REMOVE tags from new chairs.
--- William N Nesbit P9601
Who was guarded in most of her statements.
When they asked: "Where's you Pa?"
She said: "Out in his car."
Whereas he really was at Bateman's.
--- Rudyard Kipling P8903
Once called an old lady a gander;
Said she, "You mean 'goose',
I'll not stand such abuse,"
And took out a summons for slander.
--- Langford Reed (Bibby)
When it came to town, all of us went.
They had a great show,
"But the best part," said Joe,
"Was sneaking in under the tent."
--- A N Wilkins P8711
And for lies every man had to wait.
But inventions by Bell
Have been used very well
To spread lies at an increasing rate.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2661
Composed filthy songs and loved belting 'em.
This pissed off the blokes
That hate dirty jokes,
Who, grabbing big stones, began pelting 'em.
--- Armand E Singer 765A
"I've used them at random, you see.
But Doc, I'm quite lost
For I've found to my cost,
That I can't recall which one is me!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was arrested prematurely in both;
His perception of truth
And the fleeting of youth
Turned to avarice, lust, envy, and sloth.
--- Arthur J Deex P9602
They've outlawed all talk of perversity.
What was just tolerated
Is now celebrated,
In the new world of moral diversity.
--- Anon
Who would fib in her poetry, too.
Should she venture to say,
"A young gentile named Ray,"
You can bet he was really a Jew.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Knew five thousand eight hundred jokes,
Which, ranging from bad
To the dismally sad,
He tried out on helpless old folks.
--- Michael Palin
He'll crastinate each place he'll go.
Expert do it later,
Superb hesitator,
Among crastinators, a pro.
--- Irving Superior P8811
Found a bird that thought a sick seagull,
Which he took to the zoo,
They said, "This is taboo,
It can't stay here, it's an ill eagle."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9502
And resemble a gnu with the flu.
My breath, like a swine's,
Armpits, unrefined.
May I ask, did you just get up, too?
--- Al Willis
And your jibe cuts me right to the heart.
I look, smell this way
For the whole of the day,
And I end up the way that I start.
--- John Patrick Riley
In Flatbush, the Lords led the way.
From the baron of "rah"
Through the duke of "huzzah"
To the prize-winning Oil of Olay.
--- Chris Doyle P9410
Who died--doing crosswords, of course.
He was buried, poor Ben,
With eraser and pen
In a box, six feet down, three across.
--- Anon
It was to me his farm he sold.
So, loyalty unswerving,
Let's sing, "Old Man Irving
Has a farm --E I E I O."
--- Irving Superior P9011
More fulfilled since I have left ajar
The door to more learning;
To class I'm returning
Enrolled In an Eng. Lit. Samovar."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711
They use common sense and they care.
Instead of revealing,
The girls keep concealing:
Who said that the women are Fair?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Has studied the reading of palms.
Her income now ample,
She set an example
From welfare to Farewell to Alms.
--- Irving Superior P8609
He had this remarkable wheeze.
"If I plant them with ice
It will be very nice.
They'll grow frozen, so no need to freeze."
--- Funfax Limericks
"Of course! Read your books by the masses!"
"Oh gee, that is swell,
Illiteracy is hell...
Now I'll finally pass those damn classes!"
--- TuttaGioia
Who finally loved his last siren.
This renowned artisan
Was now flat on his pan.
He had too many fires for his iron.
--- Albin Chaplin
Saw some fish on which he wished to dine.
But how to invite them?
He said, "I will write them!"
He sat down and dropped them a line.
--- Anon
Who was royally vain and unpleasant.
Till the flea, on a whim,
Bit the 'h' out of him;
And now he is only a peasant.
--- Lois J Lambie P9003
Is a man who can run fast, my dear?"
He inquired of his wife.
She answered, "In Life,
It calls him 'Fleet Admiral' here."
--- A N Wilkins P8508
This is file skm
Had a routine some thought rather dirty.
For six days each week,
He was known for his cheek,
But seven nights a week he was flirty!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
"You'll foot the bill" said my mate.
Three courses and wine
Were pleasantly fine,
But bill by the foot was the rate.
--- Anon
And soon the proud "authors" refer to
The curfew -- a breech
Of freedom of speech.
They curfew graffiti "furc you."
--- Irving Superior
Fell into a gorge or abyss,
But remarked as he fell:
"Oh I might just as well
Get to the bottom of this..."
--- A M Bodecker P8911
They say he has no place to hide.
He murdered ten bugs
And then seven slugs;
That's why he is called Herbie Cide.
--- Al Willis T9801
"As we always term Polish folk 'Poles',
I am more than inclined,
With my logical mind,
To designate Holland's sons 'Holes'".
--- F C Wilson
In which she wrote memories maternal.
Like the time, just for kicks,
The girls glued pogo sticks
To their sister -- now Hope springs eternal!
--- Stef Spad
Took a butcher knife into his hand,
Sliced a horse clean in two
And from this did construe:
A horse that's divided can't stand.
--- Al Chaplin P9206a
Which will count for a sow and a half,
Now if each has fore legs
In front of two more legs,
How long is a ten-foot giraffe?
--- P8705
Liked her sausages especially crisp.
But in trying to say
That she liked them that way,
She covered her friends in a mitht.
--- Michael Palin
A menace to every audit-ee.
He's normal like you
But when day is through,
He must be in bed by 1040.
--- Irving Superior P9705
Who caused local farmers much grief.
To their cows he would run,
Cut their legs off for fun,
And say, "I have invented ground beef!"
--- Scott Hendricks
It would have no effect on the Dow.
Their PR would suck;
It would not bring them luck.
The named of the new firm: Knott NOW
--- Al Willis TP9806
Gave his clients one tip in advance:
"If you stumble on wealth
By luck or by stealth,
Don't bank it. Just leave it to Chance."
--- Laurence Perrine P8511
With the first marble building?" asked Jay.
"The trouble they had,
I suppose," said his dad,
"Was that they kept rolling away."
--- A N Wilkins P8508
That is really the silliest thing.
If April showers
Bring May flowers,
Tell me what May flowers bring?
--- Dark Poet NY
Why aren't many mooses, meese.
I find it confusing;
Not at all amusing;
I need help with this language please.
--- Anon
Hop on and employ it real quick.
Come bounce up and down
And you'll never frown.
That's right! It's a new pogo stick!
--- Jon Gearhart
They stink like a urinal puck.
Mine are not better,
Don't make your pants wetter.
Forgive me for saying they're muck!
--- Anon
Pointing out the lamp oil on his head:
"It perhaps does not pay
During most of the day,
But it's helpful when reading in bed!"
--- William J Smith P0001
Told her lover, "I have an idea.
I'm pregnant with three,
So their names shall be
Ono and Mato and Poeia."
--- Anon
Single discarded shoes, I recall
Are what I've solely seen
Though for years I have keen-
Ly awaited the other shoes' fall.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0001
And used cuss words considered "blue",
One day owner irked,
On punishment worked,
So into the freezer he threw.
--- Chris Papa
He quick, freed the bird on the run.
The parrot was thrilled,
And asked while still chilled,
Just what the poor chicken had done.
--- Chris Papa
And just where should I keep the pace?
Can a pro be a con?
Is an oxymoron
A dope with a pimply face?
--- Mike M TP9802a
As she mirthfully munched on a mango,
"Those who titled that flick
With its accent on prick
Should have added a 'Poon' to that tango."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose knowledge of life was desultory.
She explained, like a sage:
"Adolescence? -- the stage
Between puberty and--er--adultery."
--- Anon A
In life had been healthy and hearty.
"I'm shocked," friends all said
At his wake, "that he's dead!"
Then he rose and said, "Thanks for the party!"
--- Peter Wilkins
To a sailor who knew many things,
"It will increase my hopes,
If you show me the ropes,
And I'll teach you how best to pull strings."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2652
'Au Revoir' to Beajolais wine,
Reminisces to toast
In our train to the coast,
State the place at the start of the line.
--- Barry C Clark
When trespassers, my land at times cross.
And for some, to their shame,
Rolling stones is their game."
Those who gathered were all stoned by Moss.
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
"No, they're wolf tracks," young Jane did exclaim.
Wolf -- Deer -- Wolf -- they went,
And much time was spent,
Then the two were run down by a train.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Of the source of an "original" jest.
He found the remark
Had been made on the Ark:
A discovery he's never confessed.
--- P8207
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