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A just divorced actor named Ted There was a young fellow from Stockholm There once was a limerist, Puff Adder, It turned such a strange color purple So Puff took his leave from AJL Oh lover, my metal is rusting; Your blood has all gone to your head; There was a toolmaker named Jack She offered me sex, thought I'd try it, You'll realise that this made me dolor- There's a cafe frequented by teens, While sucking my cock, my wife sneezed; A perverted young fellow named Steve A crafty old boy was named Dick Electrical wizard, Tess Tarjer, And so, gentle reader and friend -- He measured his willy, did Cliff. He He went to a shop out of town, Artificial synthetic vagin- With her "apertures ever invit- With embarrassment turning him red, With excitement arising inside, For he pumped all the air in a trice, Let Cliff be a lesson to you; Entre nous and just strictly between us, Plastic surgery reached new dimensions The procedure could change Sammy's life, A man with such vim and vigor, A God-fearing man they called Jeeter, He'd read scripture on any occasion. So he tutored in Biblical facts. It's been years, and he still seldom budges; In comparative sizing arenas, Though mine is not three foot of stuff, Tom's ladyfriend's amorous cheering Pistolino is just a small hose, If you're studying natural science, I know what I want for my present! The choice of a Jovian king Mr Hyde said, "My pleasure increased The young man's new penis dilator I gave up my job, no regret, The Casting Director said "Start." I said "No, but I'm quite well endowed; I said, "If I give it a tweak I thought to myself for a while, "I think you'll need more than an inch, So under the scalpel I went, And when I awoke to inspect In a state of priapic distension, Dear Boy," said the surgeon, "You need By strapping my dick to my thigh, I passed the audition with ease. I performed with Loretta and Alice, But half way through filming that night, My dong is now touching the floor, A moral young man of Belize A certain romantic young poet She thought I was one of those sorts, But that's what ballooned out the back There once was a guy from Kilkenny Get rid of those size apprehensions So phallic extensions, you say? No, these are the real McCoy; A groom from the County of Devon Fellatio wanted her boss;
No longer off limits, not wed,
Overproud of his tool,
Advertised it, the fool,
And painted the thing Day-Glo red.
--- Armand Singer
Who was cursed with an imperfect genome.
While his pecker's mutation
Meant great elongation,
It was plaid and shaped like a gnome.
--- Robert Elliot
Whose trouser snake one day grew fatter.
And then he took notice
That there on his scrotus,
Strange patches appeared on his matter.
--- Anon
That he went to see old Doc Urple.
Who said simply "Puff,
Don't play with your stuff,
After mashing up grapes like a twerp'll!
--- Anon
For it caused his 'passions' to swell.
But now he's returned,
Because he has learned
That a purple mast suits him quite well.
--- Anon
It's missing its regular dusting.
Please polish my knob
And do a good job;
Make it lustrously lusty for thrusting.
--- Peter Wilkins
A great problem that you should dread.
Makes your thinking stop:
Not your head up on top --
The SMALL one -- it's all stiff and red!
--- Anon
Whose tool had an uncommon knack.
He could fit each and all,
Whether large, short or tall,
And change color to suit white or black.
--- Albin Chaplin
I stripped off, and then saw her eye it.
"Look at the state
Of your body," said Kate,
"I think really you ought to diet."
--- Anon
ous, then she snapped with her polar-
oid. "Now you go take
A look." Thus she spake.
"OK dear," said I, "But what color?"
--- Anon
Where the waiters wear very tight jeans.
With an awfully large bulge,
Which when asked, they'll divulge,
Is in fact, a few tins of baked beans.
--- Bill Wall
Believe it or not, I was pleased.
And she's quite elated,
'Cause it was inflated,
And now it hangs down to my knees.
--- Mike M TP9802
Spent lots of time on his knees.
One day he got sick
And blew up a dick...
While sucking, he suddenly sneezed!
--- Wildman TP9802
Dipped his waxen tool ever so thick.
He's a candlestick maker
But he couldn't fake her,
For she knew the size of his wick.
--- Gibbon the Troubadour
Connected my dick to a charger
In order to shock it,
But, fast as a rocket,
My twelve-incher grew three times larger!
--- Anon
As girls say when they watch it distend,
Slowly shifting their grip
From the root to the tip --
At last we have come to the end.
--- Isaac Asimov
Was 3 inches long and thought if he
Were 4 inches bigger,
Then no-one would snigger,
When holding and stroking his stiffy.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Where he furtively looked with a frown,
At the range of devices
For solitary vices,
In flesh-colored tinges of brown.
--- Peter Wilkins
as at 44 dollars were fine;
And vibrators the size
Of which watered his eyes;
And dear "Karen" who sounded divine.
--- Peter Wilkins
ing" and panties designed to excite,
He chose from those toys
Designed only for boys,
An enlargement device for his plight.
--- Peter Wilkins
He paid 22 dollars and fled,
With his toy and a mag
In a brown paper bag,
To his house where he lay on the bed.
--- Peter Wilkins
He misread the instructions supplied;
The device he misused,
'Til his willy refused
To relax and completely subside.
--- Peter Wilkins
From his vacuum enlargement device.
Now he's thoroughly stuck;
He can't pee; he can't fuck;
And can't practice his favorite vice.
--- Peter Wilkins
Read the manual before you screw.
If you can't wait,
Then don't hesitate,
But forwarned is forarmed, as you knew.
--- Karen
Everybody except Uncle Remus
Sends me constant e-mail,
Every day without fail,
All obsessed with enlarging my penis.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0410
With modern techniques and inventions.
In two landmark cases
They've transplanted faces;
The next step is pecker extensions.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
If he would go under the knife.
With expenses defrayed,
The bill gladly paid
By Sam's secretary and wife.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Needs just a touch to get bigger.
A gentle caress,
Done with finesse,
Is all it takes to pull your trigger.
--- Anon
Had tattooed on his prick the completer
Bible; so small
You could not read at all.
Till he rubbed the Epistles of Peter.
--- Knotweed
(How he learned at the hands of frication!)
But his self-study ended
When bad news portended;
'Twas the day that he grasped Revelation.
--- Knotweed
A young lass, teaching that which she lacked,
And her work was the sort
Done by oral report --
Till the day they were caught in the Acts.
--- Knotweed
And self-studies, which no one begrudges.
While he sits in his cell,
His Old Testament swells;
Now he abrades at the law of the Judges.
--- Knotweek
My brain tends to outscore my penis.
But as each of them swells,
It's the schwanz that excels;
If it please you, we'll keep it between us.
--- Steve Anderson
This is file skl
Upon which you lovingly puff,
I'm sure it will do
All that you want it to;
You're muff says his length's just enough.
--- Anon
Changed quickly to hissing and jeering.
"You have lengthened your cock
With a tackle and block--
That's not love, it is mere engineering.
--- Norm Storer
But when my sweet darling then blows,
It remembers it's duty;
To serve my dear cutie;
Like Pinocchio's nose then it grows.
--- Dirruk
I suggest that you wear this appliance.
You strap it on, thus,
Then just hop on a bus.
You'll find you get masses of clients.
--- Bill Wall
A penis enlarger and crescent.
With no ifs, ands, or buts,
I'd tighten my nuts,
With a penis size bigger than pleasant.
--- CyberCelt T9712
Is determined by the size of his ding.
Unscrupulous lechers
Use pecker-stretchers,
And pumps to inflate their thing.
--- G2608
Since I first soaked my penis in yeast.
It's fun and surprising
To see myself rising
Each morn like a lecherous beast."
--- S D Bismark
Was bought with the hope he could sate her.
But when tested in action,
Her dissatisfaction
Proved a serious satyr deflater!
--- Bill Talmadge P9709a
For the lure of the Hollywood set,
When I met a Producer
(One day I'll seduce her)
Who said, "You're an actor, I bet."
--- Peter Wilkins
So I saw the Director of Art,
Who said, "Didn't they mention
The penile extension
You'll need if you're taking this part?"
--- Peter Wilkins
Of the size of my pecker, I'm proud."
But he said, "In the clinches
You'll need thirteen inches
To make you stand out from the crowd."
--- Peter Wilkins
And I masturbate four times a week,
Do you think it will grow?"
The Director said "No,
'Cause the chance of improvement is bleak."
--- Peter Wilkins
Then agreed I would give it a trial.
So without further urgin',
I went to the surgeon,
Who gave me a wink and a smile.
--- Peter Wilkins
Maybe seven or eight at a pinch."
Said the surgeon with glee
As he fondled my knee,
And assured me the op was a cinch.
--- Peter Wilkins
Having given the surgeon consent.
With a poke and a prod,
He inserted a rod
And then dipped the whole lot in cement.
--- Peter Wilkins
The result and the general effect,
I was shocked to the core;
It was six inches more
Than the length I was led to expect.
--- Peter Wilkins
I said, "This excessive dimension
Is over the top.
How the Hell do I stop
This incredible sexual tension?"
--- Peter Wilkins
All those inches I gave you. Indeed,
In the cinema arts,
You will need bigger parts,
If you seriously want to succeed."
--- Peter Wilkins
I succeeded in zipping my fly.
Then I staggered about
Till I found a way out,
And I wished him farewell and goobye.
--- Peter Wilkins
(The Producer just gave it a squeeze.)
The Director of Art
Said, "I'd like you to start
At a quarter to nine, if you please."
--- Peter Wilkins
(Two hookers from Houston and Dallas)
Who opened their thighs
And their eyes in surprise
At the size and the rise of my phallus.
--- Peter Wilkins
The Director said, "Cut and re-write!
And he told me to go.
I said "Why?" He said "Joe,
It's your dick! It's reflecting the light!"
--- Peter Wilkins
And my girlfriend can't take any more.
A fortune was charged
To have it enlarged,
Now sex is a cumbersome chore
--- Anon
Tried for fourteen long years to devise
A conditioned reflex
That did not involve sex,
Yet would make his prick triple in size.
--- Isaac Asimov
Put dung on his donger to grow it,
So people would talk
Of the length of his stalk,
And the size of the bollocks below it.
--- Michael Horgan
A sailor who docks in all ports.
But to her disdain,
I had to explain
'Twas bubbles inflating my shorts.
--- SFA
Of your pants and took up the slack.
She held you in awe
Until by chance, she saw
The bulge in the front that you lack.
--- Marlene Lewis
Who had gone a long time without any,
Till he added dimension
With a penile extension,
From Ronco(r) and now he gets plenty.
--- Anon
And banish all sexual tensions.
Begin life anew
By taming your shrew,
With SFA's phallic extensions.
--- SFA
Extended the natural way?
Or do you mean wrap-ons
Like foam rubber strap-ons?
Please explain before I outlay.
--- Sister Christina
They guarantee very deep joy.
One customer found
An extra half pound;
Turned her from a girl to a boy.
--- SFA
Ate raw yeast which started to leaven.
His modest sized prick
Grew enormously thick,
While his bride measured inches, eleven!
--- Tutta Gioia
She dared not to make the man cross.
To hide her distaste,
She did it in haste,
And dipped it in barbecue sauce
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0303
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