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I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing There was a young girl from Cape Cod, (That dirty old codger! The bleeder, the blighter, the sod!)
There was a young sailor named Bates, Most couples, long after they're wed, There once was a sailor from Wales, A marine being sent to Hong Kong, There was a young harlot from Kew, There was a young fellow from Leeds, (But he has all the tomatoes he needs.)
From the halls of the crypts of St. Giles, There was a young man from Killkankie, (I guess you'd call that hanky-panky?)
When you cannot sleep soundly or eat, There was a young couple named Kelly, There once was a young man from Kent, There was a young lady of Maine, There was a young man named Victor, The modern cinematic emporium, Noah Webster saw fit to complete us An Argentine gaucho named Bruno, There was a young lady named Flynn, A vice most wicked and unsavory, (John Steinbeck ejected frm Stork Club reciting this loudly)
A scandal involving an oyster, A corpulent lady named Kroll, There was a young girl named Rhoda, There was a young plumber named Lee, The Prior of Dunstan St. Just, There was a young man of Devizes, There was a young girl named Alice, There was a young man of Racine, (Too much of its use turns you green.)
Guaranteed used by the Queen. But in Boston they ruled it obscene. And he'll use it while in the latrine.
As Titian was mixing rose madder, There was a young lady of Worcester, "Let's be astronauts! Earth can't restrain us!" A seamstress named Bertha Levine, There was a young lady named Ransom, A pretty young maiden of France, There was a young fellow named Skinner, No, Skinner. Skinner was in her before dinner
There was a young fellow named Tupper, Not Tupper! It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
There was a young man from Batasse, (And on Sundays, Bach's B Minor Mass.)
There was a young man of St. Clair (And his rifle went off in the air.)
There was a young lady of Chichester, A young girl who was no good at tennis, There was a young lady named Riddle, A damsel, seductive and handsome, There was a young man named Fritz, Nymphomaniacal Alice (And her asshole in Buckingham Palace)
There was a young girl from Hoboken, There were two bitches from Birmingham, Now this Bishop was nobody's fool, Said one of the girls, named Pru, There was an old hermit named Dave, (She does smell a bit)(It isn't so nice, with vermin & lice)
There was a young girl from Mobile, To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, Said the mythical King of Algiers, There was an young man from Nantucket, (Xmas dinner 1993, they demanded to hear this one - McW)
There was a young girl from Detroit, The girl had a friend named Durand, There was a young man named Sweeney, There was a young girl from Bombay, (With twelve kids in old Mandalay.)
In the garden, Eve lay on the shore, There was a young traveler from Spain The mythical king of Algiers again There was an old man of Bombay Said my date, that young midshipman Bates, The Bishop of Bath and of Wells That bearded man wasn't a haven
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
I replied, "Simple shagging,
Without any wagging,
Is only for screwing canoeing."
--- L0294
Who thought all babies came from God.
But it wasn't the almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
'Twas Roger, the dodger, by God!
--- Anon N
Who danced the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless (buttless),
And practically useless on dates.
--- L1132
Do Dog-Style each night when in bed.
It is easy to peg,
He sits up and begs,
And she, rolling over, plays dead.
--- Crazy Legs TP9802a
An expert at pissing in gales.
He could piss in a jar,
From the top-gallant spar,
Without wetting so much as the sails.
--- L0760
Got his doctor to alter his dong.
He sailed off with a tool
Flat and thin as a rule--
When he got there he found he was wrong.
--- L1181
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"They paid to get in,
They can pay to get out of it, too."
--- L1008
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass (Within an hour)
Sprouted out of his ass, (His prick was a flower,)
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds.
--- Anon (L Reed) L0185A
Came a scream that could be heard for miles.
Said the Pope, "Goodness Gracious!
Has Brother Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
--- Anon A
Who caught all his sperm in a hankie,
Which he spread on the seat,
Female buttocks to meet,
And that's how Jesus was born.
--- G2388A
And you're heavy of heart and of feet,
When you're light in the head
And you wish you were dead,
You are either in love or in heat.
--- Lims Unlimited
Who were forced to walk belly-to-belly,
Because in their haste
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
--- L1186N
Who had one so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
He stuck it in double.
Instead of coming, he went!
--- L0313N
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
--- L0942
Who boogered a boa constrictor.
The result of this rape,
Was two miles of Scotch tape,
And three reels from an old Tarzan picture.
--- Anon A
Is not just a super sexorium,
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.
--- Gershon Legmann L1261N
A learned and erudite treatise,
But saw fit to delete
The verb for excrete,
And a popular term for coitus.
--- Anon A
Once said, "There is one thing I do know.
A woman is fine,
Small boys are divine,
But the llama is Numero Uno!"
--- L0582
Who thought fornication a sin.
But when she was tight,
It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin.
--- Rosemary Johnson L0034A
Held the Bishop of Durham in slavery.
For with lecherous howls,
He'd deflower young owls,
In the depths of his underground aviary.
--- L0658
Sent the Countess of Clewes to a cloister.
She preferred shellfish in bed,
To the Count, so she said,
For they're longer, and stronger, and moister.
--- L1726
Had an idea exceedingly droll.
She went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all,
And backed in as a Parker House roll.
--- L1579
Who erected a phallic pagoda,
And festooned the halls,
And the walls with the balls,
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.
--- Norman Douglas L1371A
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
"Oh Please! Stop your plumbing!
There is somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
--- Norman Douglas L0060N
Consumed with erotical lust,
Buggered four startled owls,
The bishop's prize fowls,
And a little green lizard that bust.
--- L0597
Whose balls were of two different sizes.
The one was so small,
Hardly nothing at all;
The other took numerous prizes.
--- N Douglas or A Marshall
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
It is my belief,
It was done for relief,
And not out of Protestant malice.
--- Anon L0530N
Who invented a sex machine.
Concave or convex,
It would fit either sex;
But Oh! What a bastard to clean!
--- Norman Douglas L1325N
Can wank itself off in between.
With attachments for those in between.
In a manner varied and obscene.
The God-damnedest thing ever seen.
--- Tom Lee N
But corroded a horrible green.
With a chromium cum-filter screen.
And those who are not what they seem.
And even one horny Marine.
--- Squat & Brian Belge
His model was climbing the ladder.
Her position to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.
--- Ferren MacIntyre L1473N
Who complained that too many men goosed her.
She traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less that they use ter.
--- Anon
You answered, "Not me," which was heinous.
So I flew to the stars,
Venus, Pluto, and Mars!
You stayed home and Saturn Uranus.
--- Alkahuna
This is file sim
Caught her breast in her sewing machine.
She found, with a shudder,
That stitched on her udder,
Was "God Bless Our Home," done in green.
--- G2033N
Who was rodgered three times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more,
A weak voice from the floor,
Said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson!"
--- L0339
Decided she'd just take a chance.
She let herself go,
In the lap of her beau, (For an hour or so,)
And now all her sisters are aunts.
--- Anon L0953A
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine,
At a quarter to ten, it was in her. The dinner?
--- Norman Douglas L0097A
Who took a young lady to supper.
At a quarter to nine,
They sat down to dine,
At a quarter to ten it was up her. Not supper!
--- L0097A
Whose balls were made of spun glass.
When he rubbed them together,
They played Stormy Weather,
And lightning shot out of his ass.
--- L0195N
Who was fucking his girl on the stair.
The bannister broke;
By quickening his stroke,
He polished her off in mid-air.
--- Norman Douglas L0314N
Who made all the saints in their niches stir.
One morning, at matins,
Her breasts in white satins,
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.
--- Anon L0540A
At swimming was really a menace.
She took pains to explain,
"It depends how you train,
I was a street-walker in Venice."
--- Anon L1064N
Who had an quite ticklish middle.
But she had many friends
Because of her ends,
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
--- L0223A
Got wedged in a sleeping room transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom.
--- Oliver Herford(1577)
Who planted an acre of teats.
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
And he quietly chewed them to bits.
--- L0775N
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina (wazoo)
In North Carolina, (Kalamazoo)
And parts of her pelvis in Dallas.
--- L1234N
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin'.
--- L0869A
And this is the story concerning 'em.
They pulled up the frock,
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.
--- Lanford Reed L0534A
(A product of the Old-English School)
He pulled down his britches,
And got those two bitches,
With his nine-inch Episcopal tool.
--- L0535A
Who said as the Bishop withdrew:
"The vicar was quicker,
And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
--- Norman Douglas L0536A
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I admit (There isn't much class)
I'm a bit of a shit, (In banging dead ass,)
But look at the money I save!"
--- L0463N
Whose vagina was made out of steel.
She got her great thrill
From a rotary drill,
And an offset emery wheel.
--- L1308
As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
"Your mother's behavior
Gave pain to Our Savior,
And that's why He made you a cripple."
--- Edward Gorey
To his harem assembled, "My dears,
You may think it odd of me,
But I'm tired of sodomy;
Tonight there'll be fucking!" (Loud cheers!)
--- Anon L0512
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."
--- Norman Douglas L0417N
Who at fucking was very adroit.
She could contract her vagina
To a pin point or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
--- Norman Douglas L0153
Whose cock could contract or expand.
He could bugger a midge,
Or the arch of a bridge,
There performance together was grand.
--- L0154
Whose girl was a terrible meany.
There's a hatch on her snatch
With a latch that would catch;
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
--- Anon
Who was put in a family way,
By the mate of a lugger,
An ignorant bugger,
Who always spelled 'CUNT' with a K.
--- L0914N
But Adam, he just couldn't score.
And he moaned without mirth
For on all of this earth,
There were only two balls and both sore.
--- Phil Cannibal P9303
Who did it again and again,
And again and again,
Stopping on a plane,
But starting back up in Bahrain.
--- Big Little Playboy Lims
Remarked to his harem, 'mid jeers again,
"My new short term goal
Is to blow my bankroll,
On wine, women, and song!" - loud cheers again.
--- Arthur Deex P0204
Who buggered an ape in the bay.
The result was most horrid,
He'd no brain in his forehead,
So they ran him for Congress next day.
--- Phil Cannibal P9303
(The fellow who fell on his skates),
"As to what you suspect o' me,
It's just a vasectomy --
But I no longer do figure eights."
--- Robin K Willoughby P8405
Used to suffer from mysterious spells,
And the only quick cure
Of which he was sure,
Was to fondle his monks in their cells.
--- Big Little Playboy Lims
For larks, or a hen or a raven!
It's just as I feared;
The nest's disappeared!
The fellow is quite the clean-shaven!
--- Doug Harris
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