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An old party pooper named Ted,
When bored felt like going to bed.
He'd cease all amenities
And shout such obscenities,
That most of his guests simply fled.
--- Armand E Singer 261

A small boy who lived in Iquique
Had a voice irritatingly squeeky;
When his father said, "Oil it,
My son, or you'll spoil it,"
His retort was a trifle too cheeky.
--- Linda Marsh Coll

There was a young man from Carlisle
Whose voice could be heard for a mile;
It was strident and clear
And as sharp as a spear,
And he kept it that way with a file.
--- Limber Limericks

In Australia I asked Mr. Tyson
If ever he had seen a bison.
Philologically
He smiled, "Cawn't you see,
It's a bison that I wash my fice in."
--- Al Chaplin P8608

There was a young girl from Penn State
Who stuttered when out on a date.
By the time she cried, "S-s-s-stop!"
Or called for a "C-c-c-cop,"
It was often a wee bit too late.
--- VOL 11

A stuttering fellow we knew,
Got mad when we'd tease him, it's true.
We'd all laugh like hell
Every time that he'd yell,
"Fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh fuck you!"
--- Wiley

It's not nice to tease someone who
Can't succinctly yell back at you.
In the words of Mark Twain
Or was it Mickey Spillane,
"Uh uh uh up your Kazoo!"
--- S C Saint

His stuttering problem was grim
And was always embarrassing him.
When they asked him his name,
He replied with some shame,
"My name's J-J-J-J-J-J-Jim."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A rough-and-tough woman named Blair
Taught both of her daughters to swear;
They would sit in a ditch
Yelling "Son of a Bitch!"
And otherwise fouling the air.
--- Alsops Foibles

There was an old person of Ely
Who spoke to his wife in Swahili;
For as she could speak
Only English and Greek,
He could use it to swear at her freely.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Oooh, Darling! Talk dirty to me,
If you want, with my charms, to make free.
And I'll come fifty times,
But you won't ring my chimes
If you're mum; 'stead of coming, I'll pee.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8710

Don't humor the whims of Miss Stone,
For as sure as you're hard as a bone
And are all set in bed,
She will get up, instead,
And talk a whole hour on the phone!
--- Grand Prix Lim 438

There once was a lawyer named Murray,
Who said to his client, "Don't worry.
Just open your mouth
And I'll get you out.
You'll just have to blow the whole jury.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was an old fellow named Herman
Who was a contrary old German.
If you said things were fine,
He would answer "Ach, nein!"
And list the things wrong with the sermon.
--- Warrick Elrod

"You're the wrong one to gripe and to moan;
As a time waster, I'm not alone.
In spring and in fall,
Any season at all,
You web-surf and tie up the phone."
--- Woontner

A spinster who lived all alone
Would never stray far from the phone.
She longed for a call
That would then lift her pall,
Or touch an errogenous zone.
--- Macsam

Said an obscene debater with a smile,
I haven't been here for a while.
I've missed the tongue slashings,
The trashings and bashings,
And all of the verbiage most vile.
--- Writerman

She said she would like to be weighed.
And I said, "Why's that, pretty maid?"
"I wov you a wot,
And I know what you've got,
And that's why I want to be waid."
--- Al Willis P9611

With no swear word could Mom ever cope;
Even, "Jesus", if said by the Pope.
I grew up always fearing,
Were they said in my hearing,
She might wash my ears out with soap.
--- Loren Fitzhugh

Though we find on this site there's no dearth
Of humour, here's a source of great mirth –
But it's not a joke –
There really are folk
Who speak just like this, on this earth.

Said the boss to his man, "I admit
That obedience from vassals is fit.
But it's somewhat absurd
To be straining at turd,
Every time that I chance to say Shit."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1920

When the lord of the manor's factotum
Was kicked by a mule in the scrotum,
His words of abuse
Were rather profuse,
But decorum forbids me to quote 'me.
--- Hugh Clary

His maid came on, hearing his cries,
As his scrotum was swelling in size.
She said, "That's not nice.
Let's plunge them in ice,
And that'll bring tears to your eyes.
--- Tim Fisher

"I loathe and detest," muttered Zachaary,
As he sipped on his strawberry dacquiri,
"These cocktail affairs,
With their absence of chairs,
And their yackety-yackety-yackery."
--- Ystap

A hirsute bass drummer named Ponch,
In a gross exhibition of raunch,
Aimed his love-rocket
At a young girl's love pocket,
But aborted before he could launch.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young Georgian named Lynd,
Who'd never in all his life sinned.
For whenever he'd start,
He'd be jarred by a fart,
And his semen was gone with the wind.
--- L0714

There was a young student named Howells,
Shot his sperm over a young coeds bowels.
Said he, "I regret,
That I've made you so wet;
And I fear I am quite out of towels."
--- Anon

Said Mrs. Smith sadly, "J'accuse
Mr. Smith of what does not amuse.
He will start things all right
Any time of the night,
But almost at once blows his fuse."
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a young fellow of Reading,
Who grew so aroused at his wedding,
At the sight of his bride,
When he got her inside,
He creamed all over the bedding.
--- G2498

There was a young maid of Altoona,
Who said to an ardent young spooner,
"It is simply no use,
Put me down, turn me loose.
Though I come pretty soon, you come sooner."
--- Isaac Asimov

A reckless young lady of France,
Had no qualms about taking a chance.
But she thought it was crude
To be screwed in the nude,
She always went home with damp pants.
--- Anon

There was a young man from St Paul
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
He went off in his pants
In the midst of a dance,
And had to go home in a shawl.
--- G2200

All foreign affairs have to cease.
US has sufficient disease.
And going abroad
For getting abroad
Will orgasms (US) decrease.
--- Irving Superior P9407

This is file rjl

A very sad maiden, Miss Dewey,
After being deflowered by Louis,
Felt chagrined and dejected,
For what he ejected,
Had made her new panties all gooey.
--- G1600

An irate young damsel of Delhi,
Exclaimed as come flowed on her belly,
"Damn you spouting cock, Sikhi,
That goo's not just sticky,
Its horribly messy and smelly."
--- G1648

An impetuous duellist named Schocked
Wouldn't stand for his skill being mocked.
When taunted one day,
He entered the fray,
And regretfully went off half-cocked.
--- Jim Weaver Collecion

The Establishment views with dismay,
The permissiveness rampant today.
Who will want an orgasm,
When everyone has 'em.
They're making our pleasures passe.
--- Pierce Evans

There was a young pair from Uganda,
Who were having a fuck on the veranda.
The drip from their fucks
Fed forty-two ducks,
Three geese, and a fucking big gander.
--- L0799

This man had a girl named Jane Bennett,
And was starved to get his dick in it.
Being away for a year,
Just seeing her nude rear,
He shot off for over a minute!
--- Laurence Craft

Her pubic hair Pam pats with pride,
Though it's gummed up with semen that's dried.
Her lover, young Ewing,
Get nervous when screwing,
And goes off before he's inside.
--- G0722

The speed of Ed's seed is unclocked
Whenever a lady is unfrocked.
Though the spirit is willing,
When a pussy needs filling,
He's a man who goes off of half-cocked.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An amorous Jew, on Yom Kippur,
Saw a shiksel, decided to clip her.
"I'll grip her, and strip her,
And lip her, and whip her--",
Then his dingus shot off in his zipper!
--- L1283

There was a young man of Ostend,
Who let his girl play with his end.
She took hold of rover
And looked it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
--- L0076A

There was a young girl of Pitlochry,
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
She said: "Oh! You've come
All over my bum.
This isn't a fuck, its a mockery."
--- Norman Douglas L0080

There's this guy who is part of our gang,
Who spends money and loves his poontang.
But his wife is a skimper,
And will come with a whimper,
But our buddy will end with a bang.
--- Bob Birch

Said a thoughtful young stud of Brasilia,
"One orgasmic spasm would fillya.
So I'll just let the rest
Gush out on your chest.
If I shoot it inside, it'd killya."
--- Anon

There once was this man named Burely,
Who got over excited with Shirley.
When she touched his hard pole,
An old story was told;
He came in her hand prematurely.
--- Laurence Craft

Prince Absalom lay with his sister,
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her.
But the kid was so tight
And it was deep night,
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
--- L0096

There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish he cost her.
--- Anon

A man on the flying trapeze
Emitted a terrible sneeze.
The consequent force
Blew him way off his course,
And they found him next day in some trees.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

A question, if you don't mind, please;
Only once can bring you to your knees.
I've seen the tears flow;
I'm a two-timer, I know,
But why does my spouse sneeze in threes?
--- Ron Sartain

A quick-trigger boy from Duluth,
Was phoning his sweetheart named Ruth.
When he got his connection,
He had an erection,
And blew off all over the booth.
--- G2117

Said a certain prim fellow named Hess,
"Though it causes a bit of distress,
I avoid the last spasm
Of completed orgasm.
I simply can't stand all that mess."
--- Isaac Asimov

There was an old fellow named Murray,
Whose wife said, "My God! How I worry.
When we're both in bed,
He's either quite dead,
Or he's finished in too much a hurry.
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a young girl of Samoa,
Who determined that no one should know her.
One young fellow tried,
But she wriggled aside,
And spilled all the spermatozoa.
--- Norman Douglas L0892

A girl who came East from the farm,
Exclaimed, "City life has its charm.
Take the pleasures of orgasm,
Every girl in New York has 'em,
But in Kansas, they're viewed with alarm."
--- G0063

Oh sexy, salacious Miss Plum!
When asked her which way she had come,
She answered, "By train."
I replied, "Come again?"
And she did, with my prick up her bum.
--- Michael Horgan

Benny just makes this girl shivver.
Just thinking of him makes me quivver,
When I start to spasm
From a mental orgasm,
That Benny can somehow deliver.
--- Muriel

A mathematician named Vector
Discovered a dangerous nectar.
It speeded orgasm
With a hell of a spasm,
That didn't quite kill but it wrecked her.
--- Neal Wilgus P8506

"What an enigma!" said Elgar,
"A puzzle that puzzles me thus far!
I've tried variations
From erotical nations,
But I can't make her come, it's bizaare."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Cried a lecherous fellow out bumming,
"Look out below, Baby, I'm coming!"
She mumbled and groaned,
"I adore being honed,
For you sure set my comer to humming!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 851

Pricilla's completely enthralled
When her cellular phone is installed
In the crotch of her pants,
Because, with the right stance,
She will instantly come when she's called.
--- Jerry Nordal P0301a

An orgasmic young sex star named Sue,
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
Her climatic fame spread
With an ad blitz that said:
"Coming soon at a Theater Near You!"
--- Anon

A hardware store worker, though lewd,
With tools was inventive and shrewd.
The machine that mixed paint
Brought her close to a faint
And she twice came completely unscrewed.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9509

It was so good, that it made me shiver.
You really know how to deliver.
That sweet "Little Death"
Has taken my breath,
And left my poor heart all aquiver.
--- Kaylin Brandon

Asked the waitress of customer Vance,
"Some cream in your coffee, perchance?"
Said Vance, "If you do,
I will slip you a screw,
And a load of the cream in your pants."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2355

The first time I kissed her sweet nose,
I knew I had found a true rose.
She needed my prick,
I gave it real quick,
In a fucking that curled up her toes.
--- Archie


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