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Our Ebbie employed a PA, "I can't put more fuel on the fire. Now Bobs wouldn't be quite so chilly, She'd worked there for almost a year, But Christmas time's coming up now, The last futures contract expires, She flashes her eyes, Ebeneezer He chases her round that caboose, Well, Dickens, of course leaves it there... That Charles Dickens' wife had a kink, So rather than weep and bewail, Bobs stepped back and looked down at him, They make love 'til dawn is a-breaking, He says: "I used no rubber suit, you're "The sad death of Elizabeth Motson "The sad death of Elizabeth Motson There's a story of A Conan Doyle's So here's to that wonderful hound, "Come, Watson, man," Sherlock Holmes calls. For since the old lord had his spill On the train they set for Devonshire, When they got off at Okehampton Junction. At the mansion, the lady's maid, Hannah, They stood by the door, which was yellow, "Where's your mistress, girl," Watson now cried, So Holmes took himself to the pantry, When he'd finished, he searched out Lord B., "What's keeping my wife satisfied, "With that, Lord, I have to concur. "There's a photo I'd like you to see," "Now this problem I feel I must ponder. So Sherlock went boffing a whore. "But Holmes, I've not said what I found, "Oh Watson, but I should have known! "If you study the flea-dirt you can, "My dear Watson, thank God you are tough. When the hall and the living room stink, A bright tale of a dog and a horse "Never trust them, I said from the start! Watson started and cried, "It's a hound! Said John Watson, "You'd think that my fame "Here's a strange case," said Watson to Holmes. "That man, Holmes," said Lestrade to a clerk, A fellow by name of Escott Holmes drew on his pipe, with great suction. And now to les Frere Moriarty; Sherlock Holmes, the clever beguiler, Here are Redhead and Stackhurst with flowers, Moriarty, quite content in Hell, When Milverton's house we had fled, "Sherlock Holmes," he asked, "is there a way, Some low cad goosed the Queen, but alas Holmes mused, scratched his balls, cried "Alas! "Sherlock Holmes, I can hardly keep raising," "Quick, Watson, the needle!" Holmes cried. "Make a note, Watson," Holmes said with a smile, Said Watson to Holmes, "Is it wise, A noted detective named Holmes, The foot-print of a giant hound The Baskerville hounds always run "Smoke!" bellowed Watson, "And fire! Holmes and Watson, while hot on the scent, When Sherlock had nothing to do, Stackhurst and her pal the Red "I admit," said the famous detective, "Help me, Holmes," said dear sweet Adeline. Now Tarzan has Cheetah and Jane
"Now please sir, I really can't stay."
Said young Bobbie Cratchet,
"Pneumonia, I'll catch it,
If I'm in this icebox all day."
--- Anon
Coal futures are going to go higher.
Now ring up my broker,
And tell that old joker,
I want 15k Goodyear Tyre."
--- Anon
Were she wearing more clothes, but the silly
Bitch wore a dress,
Silk, low cut to impress...
She fancied old Scrooge, did this filly.
--- Anon
And though she had wiggled her rear,
And thrust out her bust,
Old 'Neezer he just
Kept working... Perhaps he's a queer.
--- Anon
The Nikkei, the FTSE, the Dow,
Are all winding down,
And old Scrooge looks around,
Spies Bobbie, thinks "What will she allow?"
--- Anon
The data flow slows on the wires,
And he smells her perfume,
In his dark stuffy room,
Awakening latent desires.
--- Anon
Goes forward, and makes as to seize her,
But she plays hard to get,
And he ain't caught her yet,
That gal is a proper prick teaser.
--- Anon
Trying to get buttons loose,
They chase up the stair,
And they start to strip bare,
And Scrooge gives our Bobbie a goose.
--- Anon
But I hear you shout, "Ogg take care!
What 'bout the ghosts,
Of the tale that's the most
Exciting." " Well my dears, let's be fair...
--- Anon
And preached of the evils of drink;
Wine, whisky or beer,
She'd not have it near,
And tipped the whole lot down the sink.
--- Anon
He scribbled this tiresome tale,
Where ghosts interceded,
Showing spirits were needed
To put Scrooge upon the right trail.
--- Anon
"Hey Ebbie, where's your Tiny Tim?
He's more like Big Ben,
I've had many men,
But none with so splendid a limb."
--- Anon
And certainly neither is faking
Those orgasmic squeals,
That they utter in peals...
But wait, no precautions he's taking.
--- Anon
Probably pregnant. Though cute, you're
Going to swell,
And all being well,
Produce a Bill Gates of the future."
--- Anon
Came about when she gargled with pot, son."
"But how, Holmes, could you tell;
You weren't there when she fell?"
"Alimentary, dear Dr Watson."
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Came about when she gargled with pot, son."
"But, how, Holmes, could you tell?,
You weren't there when she fell."
"Alimentary, dear Dr Watson."
--- New Mellinnium Lims P0212
Where crooks blew up hollow gargoyles.
They increased the P
While at constant V,
And Holmes solved the crime using Boyle's.
--- Anon
Who crossed o'er the moor with a bound.
He glowed in the night,
A terrible sight,
And did make a frightening sound.
--- William S Dorn P0604
"Get your head up, let go of my balls.
We've each had good head,
Now get out of bed,
We're going to Baskerville Hall."
--- Anon
Off his horse last week, Lady Baskerville
Has been so frustrated,
And has not hesitated,
To grab any cock that will thrill.
--- Anon
On the quest for some sport, straight or queer.
And they both raised their caps,
Which they'd put in their laps,
When any young lady came near.
--- Anon
The ticket-man bowed with great unction,
So they tipped him a note,
Grabbed the man by the scrote,
And performed an unnatural function.
--- Anon
Was greeting them in formal manner,
When Holmes zipped his fly,
And she did espy,
That sex-crazed sleuth's scar-spangled banner.
--- Anon
And Sherlock murmured quite mellow,
(Now you all know the joke,
So be ye upspoke,)
"A lemon entry, Watson, dear fellow!"
--- Anon
The moment they all got inside.
"In her chamber, kind sir."
"OK Holmes, I'll find her,
While you take this lass for a ride."
--- Anon
And surrounded by jars condimentary,
He boffed all the maids,
And between, made quick raids,
On the food stocks, "It's quite alimentary!"
--- Anon
Who'd a bag where his willy should be.
"Since I had that damned fall,
I've been no good at all
In bed, Holmes, and that is the mystery."
--- Anon
Now this todger of mine has gone, died?
With your sleuthing powers
In a couple of hours,
You should sort out what's me mystified."
--- Anon
I'll make notes, and to them I'll refer.
From the names I will whit-
tle down those that don't fit...
It's eliminatory, sir."
--- Anon
Said Watson,"Of our Lady B."
Said Holmes, "She's high class,
But look at that ass...
It's quite elephantory, see."
--- Anon
So we'll go to that whore-house down yonder.
For a quim, juicy, pink,
Helps a fellow to think.
There's nothing of which I am fonder."
--- Anon
He worked till his 'brain' was so sore.
"It's no good, I'm through.
I've not got a clue."
So he paid up and limped to the door.
--- Anon
When I met Lady B, it astound-
ed me, but her muff,
Was in use right enough,
In the grip of an Irish wolfhound."
--- Anon
This is file rdm
Last night when I gave her a bone,
I caught me some fleas,
Canine type, if you please.
I must be as dense as a stone."
--- Anon
With a microscope get a good scan,
And this bit of bug shit
Is the answer to it,
It's quite sedimentary, old man."
--- Anon
Yes, a grain would have been quite enough!
I shall never forgive
For as long as I live,
That for one trip, I burned all the stuff."
--- N Beiman and M Stampe
It can drive Mrs Hudson to drink.
In a liquorish fit,
She will throw all his shit
And the chemicals out in the sink!
--- N Beiman and M Stampe
(And there's also a murder, of course)
Which involves the odd fact
That the dog failed to act
Which Holmes found of significant force.
--- William S Dorn P0604
The best of them -- mind rules the heart!
I confess that Irene
Is the fairest I've seen,
But she won -- so I'll just speak of art."
--- N Beiman and M Stampe
How, out on the moor, is it found?"
Sherlock said, "I am sure
We could follow the spoor
Or the crap that it left on the ground."
--- M Reiman & M Stampe
As an author, who writes of The Game,
Would ensure a good life,
Yet I don't know which wife
Is the one who forgets my first name!"
--- M Reiman & M Stampe
"Outside there are two garden gnomes.
One's lost his wee rod,
And the other poor sod
Has been sat on by Nicholas Soames."
--- Bill Wall
"With his methods -- my eye -- he's a jerk!
Though he thinks me a fool,
He is really my tool.
I get credit while he does the work!"
--- M Reiman & M Stampe
Went a-plumbing although he was not.
He engaged a housemaid
And wound up getting laid,
Which is better than Milverton -- Shot!
--- M Reiman & M Stampe
"You want me to give you instruction,
And show you the action
Of simple subtraction?
The master I am of deduction."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Their dad was not really a smarty.
He ran out of names,
Then called them all James,
And they were a devilish party.
--- M Reiman & M Stampe
Was spectacular, no rank and filer.
Using logic deductive,
He's deemed the productive,
Prototypical primo profiler.
--- L C Fitz P0209
A Sherlockian bouquet of ours.
So be huffy or pleased,
Laugh or cry, but at least
We had fun and some jolly good hours.
--- N Beiman and M Stampe
Saw that Holmes was there too, and said: "Well?"
Holmes said to him "Nay,
I'm just on holiday!"
And returned to his earthly hotel.
--- N Beiman and M Stampe
"How come you're so fit, Holmes?" I said.
"Dear Agatha showed me
The safe and allowed me
To search for the key in her bed."
--- N Beiman and M Stampe
Before the accused gets away,
Not to give him a rest
But to make an arrest
Before the ship's anchor's aweigh?"
--- A N Wilkins P9112
Sherlock Holmes, the detective first class
In almost no time
Solved the heinous crime,
From cigar ash left on the royal ass.
--- Michael Weinstein P8308
The poor girl was had up the ass
By a lawn-mowing crew
Who did her when through...
I've probed and I've found clue de grass..."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Said an income tax agent named Blazing,
"A point which concerns
Your recent returns.
Your deductions are simply amazing."
--- A N Wilkins P8501A
"I'm the doctor," I said, "I decide...
As I thought -- indigestion."
"How so?" was the question.
"Alimentary, Holmes," I replied.
--- B M Coates P9802
And returned to Baker Street after a while.
Another who-done-it;
Sherlock will not shun it.
He's devoted to catching England's most vile.
--- Karen Debbie
Such false whiskers when hunting for spies."
Said the sleuth, "I'm afraid
You're as dense as Lestrade.
I'm disguised as myself in disguise."
--- Punch 21 Nov 1951 P8309
The subject of many fine tomes,
Runs down wanted crooks
In all the dark nooks
From Soho to London's high domes.
--- Ed Wolfert P8407
Caused Dartmoor to go round and round.
Then Sherlock got a call
From Baskerville Hall,
And soon brought the culprits to ground.
--- Ed Wolfert P8307
On the moors at the dark of the sun.
The peasants assume
It fortells certain doom;
But it's bitches in heat and for fun.
--- Arthur Deex P8307
We are doomed and about to expire!"
"I'm just smoking my opium;
Leastwise I just 'ope I am",
Holmes said while puffing his briar.
--- Peter Wilkins
Spent an evening afield in a tent.
The joke is ubiquitous,
The reactions iniquitous;
'Tis best that is goes out of print.
--- N Beiman and M Stampe
He always felt bored and quite blue.
So he played violin
And injected cocaine,
Which gave Dr Watson the clue.
--- Anon
Headed League, while you all were in bed,
Have committed a crime
In Sherlockian rhyme,
And are posting it here to be read.
--- N Beiman and M Stampe
"I'm not awways cool and objective.
I considere the lawful
Police methods awful;
In my work, I am therefore selective."
--- M Reiman & M Stampe
"Not tonight. I have two cases in line.
Dear Watson, my pal,
Try to cheer up the gal,
But be back before breakfast at nine."
--- M Reiman & M Stampe
To ease both his ennui and pain.
But Boy's got a nanny
With such a taught fanny,
He'll never play shepherd again.
--- Anon
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