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A Scotsman emerged from the loo She was not a bit dumpy or frumpy. In the south west of England it's clear (scrumpy - strong apple cider)
In Dorset the tree roots they spray And though non-believers may hoot, And following this celebration, The level of fun is in rapid decline; A maid and a letch known as Dwight, Once my Leda enjoyed drinking wine, Now Leda, she really loves wine Now Leda, she really loves wine; Now Leda, she really loves wine. I'm a frog and you may hear reports A popular way to reduce When a certain young woman named Terry, By imbibing a tumbler of Sherry A sleep after wine is just fine; Miranda, remember the inn, (Hilaire Belloc, Tarantella)
There was a gay vintner named Hines I said to the missus, "Oh gosh! (South African wine from the West Cape)
There was an old maid of Vancouver, I once knew a fellow who chose And if the wine was a French 'un, I know of an old Muscovite In vino, they say, veritas, I've just had some cider called Inch's, Veritas is in vino, forsooth, Fred used to sing, "I've a cellar, When reading The Times in New York, At last I've seduced the au pair "I just lie," said the souse to the sleuth, When engaged in the giving of head, She pleasured herself below ground, A wine with a certain charm, Some Gallo wines, I have heard, There once was a beauty called Sally; Miss Toccata, a bit of a Gorgon, Ignoring the trade brands so swell, Your erudite oenophilia When the time came for Cecil to pass on, Suzanne, quite a bird, used to stipple (a particularly nauseous alcoholic type soft drink)
When going to sleep I count mouton A real connoisseur so I've heard, An aging young lady called Betty Chardonnay, Soave, and Chablis A bibulous chap from Duquesne, Napoleon's Russian campaign, Lord Peter, you won't offer in vain For your sword we'll take care after this. ...In those places where sun doesn't shine. A gourmet from Alsace Lorraine, A cautious young lady named Knopp "A hangover?" asked Mrs. Powers. Champagne was her only type booze, I once met a gal from Vancouver I tried Sauvignon Blanc, Vodka cooler, A headhunter based in St Ives Though virginal, bashful and plain, An oenophile based in Torquay A young lady was fond of a stunt; And there, looking at her, stood Stu. Your massage of my poor aching feet, At a bar, Seamus looked quite in pain "As to fizz", said my great uncle Nico, (V C - another champagne also called 'the widow'.)
Seems years since we saw you, dear Jayne, When acting in the Mikado,
To find a young Magyar in view.
"I just canna think
Why you're here - have a drink.
I expect you'll want Tokay the noo." (wine grape)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
Where it mattered the most, she was lumpy.
What a girl about town!
What a joy to lay down!
What a marvelous mouthful of Scrumpy. (rough cider)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
That scrumpy's more popular than beer.
In the evenings we troop,
Risking cider-drinkers droop
To the pub, for a pint of good cheer.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With scrumpy each 15th of May
In the hope that the flow
Will make the tree grow,
As to the tree spirit they pray.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In Dorset a shotgun they shoot
In the branches, to fright
Any evil tree sprite,
Who'll prevent it producing good fruit.
--- Tiddy Ogg
There's usually much fornication.
For with scrumpy juice
Inhibitions are loosed,
And they're at it with no hesitation.
--- Anon
Morale is quite low, the outlook's not fine.
So in Lisbon we party
With cabaret hearty;
They send us away with two bottles of wine.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Chanced to play in his hot tub one night.
But the evening was spoiled
When she got him oiled,
So she ate him. For wine she chose white.
--- Jim Lambert
And everything would have been fine,
But she gave in to sin
And began drinking gin.
Now she's horny and acting bovine.
--- Bohdan
In bottles. The fruit of the vine
Turns her mind to mush,
When tucked in her tush,
About six or eight inches or nine.
--- Cyber Wizard
A gallon or so is just fine.
Then she gets randy
And strips real handy,
And gives us a view that's divine!
--- CM
When she drinks it, she tends to recline.
Her pen pals in UK
Have been known to say:
That the view that she gives is divine.
--- Jeanie
That I imbibe wine by the quarts.
Well, I like a good sherry;
I'll inhale boysenberry.
If you love me, accept all my warts.
--- Al Willis P9710
Is drinking a barrel of juice,
But a barrel of sherry,
So tasty and merry,
Will make you as fat as a goose.
--- Limber Limericks
Got drunk on a small sip of sherry,
She'd insist upon games,
With embarrassing names,
Not in any refined dictionary.
--- Isaac Asimov
I can help a sad heart to be merry.
Though to some that's a lot,
I am hardly a sot.
If I get a bit giddy -- not very.
--- R J Winkler P8403
I like it fine when you have wine.
Although I will bulge,
I dare not indulge,
Until you have signed I may dine!
--- Anon
Where we drank that tart wine from the skin?
Then we slept in the straw
Where the fleas made us sore
And the peasantry made such a din.
--- John Stanley
Who produced some magnificent whines,
By opening the knickers
Of manly young pickers
And squeezing their grapes and their vines.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9111
We are really quite low on the dosh.
Bye-bye prestige cuvee;
Let us jump 'neath our duvet
And go wild as we drink Stellenbosch."
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
Who captured a man by maneuver.
She jumped on his knee
With some rare eau de vie,
And nothing on earth could remove her.
--- Anon
To sip wine through the end of his nose.
He said that the pleasure
Was quite beyond measure,
And curled up the ends of his toes.
--- John Pickersgill
His hair would stand up at attention.
But a husky dry red
Taken just before bed,
Had results that we don't care to mention.
--- John Pickersgill
Whose morals collapse when she's tight.
With two quarts of Tokay,
She claims that it's okay
To screw all the rest of the night.
--- Armand E Singer 155
Too much, though, when you're with a lass,
Will cause brewer's droop,
You just can't recoup
The chance of a fine piece of ass.
--- Anon
And say from experience, it pinches
One's sexual libido,
To Her I must say "No,
Right now, love, I'm down to three inches."
--- Anon
And I think Merlot vintners uncouth,
When they say that's not true
For their wines, old or new,
And that saying holds just for Vermouth.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0507
A cellar with Valpolicella. (red Italian wine)
A massive Jacuzzi,
A full-breasted floozy,
And a series of portraits by Kneller."
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
At the ads I am liable to gawk.
I see bottles of wine
Folks drink when they dine;
I can't afford even the cork.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0401
On steak and a chocolate eclair,
Some peas and some chips,
Three Miracle Whips,
And a carafe of vin ordinaire.
--- Cyril Ray P8301
"It's a habit I learned in my youth;
But I cannot conceal
It was I at the wheel;
Yikes, that wine makes me tell you the truth!"
--- Mark Levy P9710
Should the wine be rose, white or red?
White (goes well with fish)
Red (the robust meat dish)
Or Rose for that dry cheese instead?
--- Anon
With a wine bottle pushed in her mound.
The result of the motion
Was the bottle's explosion,
And the cork, it has never been found.
--- Anon
This is file qym
Is disposed to hepatic harm.
That I cannot stand
But in great demand,
Goes by the name of "Boone Farm".
--- Chris Papa
Are good, with high prices, absurd.
The jug that you had,
That made you so bad,
Was most likely, raw "Thunderbird".
--- Chris Papa
They voted her Miss Napa Valley.
Then she married. Their son
They named Opus One.
By Opus Fifteen they'd lost talley.
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
Was playing a fugue on the organ.
Then she pulled out the stops
And had a few drops
Of a passable vintage of Morgan. (Monterrey California)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
As any good wino can tell,
When push comes to shove,
There nothing above
A belt of some fine muscatel!
--- Chris Papa
Makes my plight seem even sillier.
But all will be well
When I drink muscatel,
'Cause enough of that T'bird will kill ya.
--- Norm
His wife at the wake drank Paul Masson.(Calif mass producer)
Where they drink Hirondelle, (Bordeaux chateau)
And Gallo is greatly in fashion. (Giant Calif producer)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
The words "Have a drink" 'round each nipple.
He bosom friend Kirsty
Once said, "I feel thirsty,
But not for quite that sort of Ripple."
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
Or pheasants, should there be a shoot on.
If I still cannot sleep,
I watch some Stag's Leap. (Calif wine)
Now that's something I'd spend hard-earned loot on.
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
Who juice of the red grape preferred,
Until hard times came
And his drink became
Bagged bottle of brisk Thunderbird.
--- Chris Papa
Got married and stood on a jetty.
She said, "Thank God I'm spliced.
Get the Bollinger iced
While I cover myself in confetti."
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
With bubbles do wonders for me.
They perk up my stalk,
Till I'm popping my cork.
Even better's Champagne, you agree?
--- Peter Wilkins
Drank a whole jeroboam of champagne.
Said he with a laugh,
As he quaffed the last quaff,
"I tried to get drunk, but in vain."
--- Anon
Became before long, a damn pain;
But sweet Josephine
Helped him hide from the scene
By soaking her pants in Champagne.
--- Norm Storer P9710a
Some wee drink to us, make it champagne.
As we're ladies (we are!
Men do say, near and far...)
We don't booze! (At least that is our aim...)
--- Anon
Just a month? You will see that the bliss
We are able to give
Is much longer to live,
And you'll never forget our kiss...
--- Anon
We're artistic, just call us divine.
Hope you care for a muff
With your tea, and above;
Like to sip it for more than one time.
--- Anon
Loved to mix his beer with champagne.
He would froth it all up
With cracked ice in a cup,
Then pour it all down the next drain.
--- Mike O'Conner
Put a cork in her cunt for a stop.
But it caused undue strain
When she opened champagne:
She got fucked when a man heard it pop.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G2391
Her husband explained that in showers
And downpours that night,
The plush champagne flight
Had circled O'Hare for three hours.
--- A N Wilkins P9005
But the bottles she'd always abuse
By using her snatch
To open a batch:
It seems she was fond of cork screws.
--- Anon
Who said Champagne was likely to move her
In shameless intrusions
On reckless protrusions,
In the manner of Kenmore and Hoover.
--- Eric Hinds
And Aste Spimonte to fool her.
"The matter is moot.
If you can't fill my flute,
I'll move one to a classier suitor!"
--- Eric Hinds
Disposed of a series of wives.
He'd good sense, had this murderer;
He served Louis Roederer, (very very expensive)
So his wives had the deaths of their lives.
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
I'm drunk as a skunk on champagne!
Let's meet for a quickie
And get hot and sticky,
Before you get back on the train.
--- Anon
Gave up sex when he hit ninety-three,
"But I'll never abandon
My Moet and Chandon; (very expensive)
In my will I have left it to me.
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
She took off her clothes in a punt;
And uncorking champagne,
And without any shame,
She sprayed it all over her front.
--- Bertie
Who said, "I'm not sure what to do;
She's dead and petite
But she has size ten feet!
I must drink champagne from her shoe.
--- David Miller
Is causing my anger to retreat.
If the champagne you'd trickle,
To cause that sweet tickle,
Then all'd be forgiven, Sweet Pete.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And said, "I'll not drink here again!
The beer's much to fizzy --
It's made me all dizzy."
Cried a voice, "Hey, who's pinched my champagne!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
(Dear old buffer but rather a thicko)
"When my Moet's all gone,
I drink Dom Perignon,
Or that ravishing widow Veuve Clicquot."
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
So I've poured us a glass of Champagne.
With your figure so neat
And so sweetly petite,
You still cause me great underwear strain.
--- Anon
I spotted Brigitte Bardot.
She was licking a Walls
At the front of the stalls
And sippping Amontillado. (pale dry sherry)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
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