With Mescal I've now come to terms.
When I share a jug, my stomach turns.
But I've learned from the past
To always drink last.
Since it's Early Birds who get the worms.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0212

I was spending the weekend at Eth's.
In the Times we were scanning the deaths.
I said, "Eth, dear old friend,
If you wish to extend
Your life, then ease up on the meths."
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims

A barman in bored Bogalusa
Poured drinks for a dame to amusa.
For one of his tricks
He used nitro mix...
And the bomb squad was called to defusa.
--- Hugh Oliver A057A

An old drunk of old Aberdeen,
Saw witches and ghosts on Halloween.
Couldn't sleep at night
Such was his fright;
Swore off booze, drank only gasoline.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A hopeless old wino named Hamm
Would sip from an old can of Spam.
When asked "What's the blend?"
Said, "Have some my friend.
It's fermented snot and toe jam."
--- H Welchel

The Greeks like to drink their ouzo;
It tastes like licorice, you know.
It has a taste dandy,
When you use it in candy,
But a cordial? That has got to go!
--- William K Alsop Jr

A hard-drinking fellow one morn
Felt standard libations were worn.
With magnesium milk
He mixed Vodka or ilk;
Thus the 'Phillips Screwdriver' was born.
--- Macsam

Hooray! There's a party a Jim's.
What a riot! He always serves Pimms.
It's a bundle of fun
With his Pimms No. 1. (premixed blended cocktail)
He's from Essex but lives in South Mimms.
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims

The Pope drank a gallon of brandy,
And that made him feel very randy.
He pinched a girl's bum,
Molested a nun,
So now he will drink only shandy.
--- Anon

A drunken old bum from Parsnippany
When loaded would wind up in Whippany.
He'd down Sneaky Pete
Bay Rum mixed or neat,
And gulp it, too drunk just to sip any.
--- Armand E Singer 295

A lethal cocktail is a Stinger;
As drinks go, it is a zinger.
Creme de menthe and brandy,
It slides down just dandy,
But tomorrow, the taste it will linger.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A keen young director of Avery
Kept his female assistant in slavery.
He murmured, "I'm fond
But you must stay in bond --
That's the way that I find you most savoury."
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims

There's a bush in a bright sunny glade
On which tribute is fervently paid.
It's a cactus of sort,
Which grows rather short;
It's the bush where tequila is made.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

When drinking the products of ferment,
How could I much care what defer meant?
Tip jug of tequila;
At bottom reveal a
Surprise when you find a small worm in't.
--- Gary Hallock

The first tequila was fast,
But I made the second one last.
But three, four, and five
Have brought me alive!
This tequila stuff's really a blast!
--- Stephen Cordwell

The quitila may have gone to my head,
'Cause I can't sleep in this binning sped.
The chinks were so dreep
That I made a swean cleep,
Now I think I'd be detter off bead.
--- Stephen Cordwell

Permit me to orate laconic,
Whilst I savor my gin and my tonic.
Tequila's for boozers,
Itinerant losers.
Adult beverages -- oxymoronic!
--- Stephen Cordwell

A man from the union named Darrell
Saw a sweat shop and promptly went feral.
Yes, the place was depraved,
'Cause the sweat was all saved
As Tequila Mix sold by the barrel.
--- Don Moore

Whenever my girl quaffs vermouth,
Her manner becomes so uncouth.
Though her voice appears crisp,
It develops a lisp,
When Elithabeth's lipth go tho looth!
--- Francis K Young

My Kate is a boozer, I fear,
And has anal cravings for beer;
Four barrels and a drum,
Pumped into her bum...
Almost filled up her large rear.
--- David Miller

A bum full of sherry is nice;
I've tried it myself once or twice;
Though I much prefer gin
And vermouth. Pour it in,
Shaken, not stirred, with some ice.
--- David Miller

Though cocktails, per rectum, are fun,
My Katie says, "My number one,
Is a bottle of Ouzi
In my little coozie,
Sloshed around until I am done."
--- Tiddy Ogg

Complaining the measures were meagre,
Young Igor on visiting Riga,
Said, "Vodka in Omsk,
Vladivostok and Tomsk
Comes in measures a bloody sight beeger."
--- Peter Wilkins

Should gin on the breath cause a turn-off,
Then offer your friends only Smirnoff.
Or try Absolut;
But were I, my friend, you,
I would let half the alcohol burn off.
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims

Thass wot vokka evenshully duzzed,
It makes the old brain get all fuzzed.
But I'm sad for their plight;
They must fight a good fight,
And avoid getting maudlin while buzzed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a old man from Turkey
Who acted and spoke very quirky.
He'd drink Absolut,
And spread out his loot,
'Cause he loved girls young and perky!"
--- Anon

I've had a few drinks, guess it's time
To go to the NG where rhyme
Is important at best,
But with all the rest,
I'll settle for vodka with lime.
--- Anon

Vodka's the stuff for the reds;
It seems not to go to their heads.
While the girls wash their smalls in it,
The boys dunk their balls in it,
Before leaping into their beds.
--- Anon

There was a young student named Ben
Who drinks too much now and again.
When he has had whiskey,
The girls make him frisky,
But when he has gin, it's the men.
--- Chris Young

The barnstorming botanist bet us
That plants without stems he could get us.
Indeed, an incessant
Array, acaulescent,
Appeared, such as cabbage and lettuce.
--- Tim Alborn

Algae is an interesting topic.
It's too bad they're so microscopic.
But Van Leeuwenhoek
Allowed us to look.
They're now loved even by the myopic.
--- Anon

I know a bloke from Leeds
Who once ate a packet of seeds.
His hair started growing,
Which soon needed mowing,
And he also had problems with weeds.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose buns were infested with weeds;
A strong herbicide
Enigmatically applied,
Is a bane in the ass, he agrees.
--- Edwardian Leer 031 A

This is file qvm

When the buffalo roam by your home,
And this grass is what grows in your loam,
Don't discourage the herd;
It's the forage preferred
By all bison, a nice one, is brome.
--- Rory Ewins

My garden is fodder for bugs
And fungus and rabbits and slugs.
I fart on the squash,
But still they all knosh.
I wonder if I should try drugs.
--- Anon

A potato plant breeder named Mort
Bred a sticky-haired plant, a new sort.
And the beetles unwary,
Would be trapped by leaves hairy;
They were caught by the hairs that were short.
--- Albin Chaplin

Archeologists have dug up the Plantimal,
A creature half plant and half animal.
On the one hand herbivorous
On the other carnivorous
And when dining alone, auto-cannibal.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A botany student named Gant
Disappeared after winning a grant.
He was found unmolested,
But partly digested,
Inside a carnivorous plant.
--- Anon A

Argumentative, caustic Doc Block
Loved loud dickering, his trade in stock.
He spewed epithets blue
Till admonished, "Screw you!
This is Chickory, it isn't Dock."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9809

There was a young lady called Mary,
And just to be extra contrary,
She planted her plot
With some weeds in a pot,
And a second-hand plaster-cast fairy.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The Thistle's out cruisin' for Chickeweed.
Along comes a cute little Hayseed.
Let's cross pollinate!
And now it's too late.
Took seconds to do the misdeed.
--- Marlene Lewis

The hoeing and raking are fun,
As is digging outside in the sun;
But the moment to treasure?
The infinite pleasure
One feels when the forking is done.
--- Anon

I love to get out in the garden;
(Cross my fingers and begging your pardon).
The thrills are inviting --
Almost as exciting
As watching my arteries harden.
--- John E Maywood P9809

I've decided this forking kerfuffle
Each week in my garden's enough; I'll
Go buy me a pig
And I'll get it to dig
By remarking, "Hey look, there's a truffle."
--- Peter Wilkins P9809

An old mycological freak
Wore glasses, his eyes were so weak.
But he still couldn't tell
A false chanterelle.
The funeral's early next week.
--- John Dole Odd BodkinP0203

How brave you are getting atop
Genetically Modified crop.
I thought she was barley
And felt such a Charley,
When someone told me she was hop.
--- Anon

There once was a man named Ted,
With pot growing out of his head.
The cause of these weeds
Was from smoking the seeds,
Or so I have often heard said.
--- VOL 10

The Hanging Gardens, Babylon,
Were innocent of what went on.
Some asthmatic chief
In hopes of relief,
Had had the Gardens hanged at dawn.
--- Irving Superior P9809

My garden's an overgrown mess,
For I hate growing plants. I confess
That my gardening shears
Have been missing for years;
But it causes me little distress.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9809

I really abhor horticulture
Though I slave with the hoe and the mulcher.
The fruit of my labors
Amuses my neighbors,
As food barely fit for a vulture.
--- John E Mayhood P9808

I hardly think science, per se,
Could ever be classed as risque,
But those pistils and stamen
Get hot and start flamin',
And I cannot conceal this hearsay.
--- Al Willis P9809

John showed his fine plants to whore Gulcher;
She sneered, "Pour a drink for me, vulture."
So said John, "I do think
You can lead whores to drink,
But you cannot lead a horticulture."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9803

I nutured and watered and fed
It, manured it and tended its bed.
And it grew (at a pinch)
Just a third of an inch;
Then the bloody thing wilted instead.
--- Peter Wilkins P9809

The liquid was gooey and grey,
And smelled like an old horse-drawn dray.
But the Gardener said
It kills thrips stone dead,
When used as my best lettuce spray.
--- Archie

Ian Grey was a drunk from Bombay
Who tippled your best lettuce spray.
After pumping his tummy,
The doc said, "You rummy!
The liquid was goo, Ian Grey!"
--- Anon

An Euell Gibbons type fellow, Craig Camp,
Went foraging for some fresh ramp.
He boiled them with milk,
Mashed his spuds smooth as silk,
And produced a terrific Ramp Champ.
--- Steven A Shaw

An herbaceous border named Clint
Was planted in sand and some flint.
As thru life he cruised,
His roots badly bruised,
He's cursed with lust for a mint. (labiatae)
--- Anon

Luther Burbank was once heard to plead,
"Who can furnish me with what I need,
For a hybrid first class
And exotic, not crass?"
To which Burpee replied, "Try this seed."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9809

A botany major named Grant
Chanced to swallow a man-eating plant.
Now he says his interior
Feels rather inferior,
And his chance of survival is scant.
--- Dean Walley

'Twas something that all of them dreaded,
A horrible be shredded.
When you do horticulture,
Look out for that mulcher,
(You could tell where this limerick was headed.)
--- Bob Birch P9809

Said the mushroom most pleadingly, "Why
Do folks doubt me and say that I lie,
When I tell them I'm nice
And can prove in a trice.
They should think of me as a fun gi!
--- Loren C Fitzhugh

The black mustard seed looks quite small,
But its plant grows to four meters tall.
Through its internal pipe,
This tall Brassica hyp-
eraccumulates lead in its thrall.
--- Carol June Hooker

A plant-loving woman named Nora,
She filled her whole house up with flora.
It grew up the walls
And down all the halls,
And provided a natural aura.
--- Cap'n Bean P9809

There once was a lassie named Linda
Who grew all her plants in a winda.
The plants grew and grew;
It was then that she knew
That a greenhouse was on the agenda.
--- Chris

I hope this new compost succeeds
In its task of inhibiting weeds,
While providing enough
Of the nourishing stuff
For my mesembryanthemum seeds.
--- Peter Wilkins P9809

A wise man by the name of Trevor
Wrote sayings he thought were clever.
"You can lead a sheep to slaughter.
You can lead a horse to water,
But not a horticulture, never!"
--- Tom Patton P9809

In my fridge there resides a mold,
Whose colors are stunningly bold.
When I found it last night,
I said with a fright,
That the thing must be twenty years old.
--- Jim Weaver Collection