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Saint Augustine thought he had found I've a theory I'd like to propound. Now the serpent was wily and crafty, Now that Adam's been given a mate, This movie takes courage and pluck The sweating of Adam would dapple Having watched other animals mating, "Good God! What a terrible flap'll When Adam first came across Eve, Adam and Eve were instructed to When Eve Adam first tried to make, "I'm terribly hot now," said Eve Poor Eve, she was right out of luck. "Oh Adam" Eve cried "Heaven's sake, Well fellows, I don't buy that crap So what is it, in your day that fills; That geezer has spent his last days Hey Malo, you despicable jerk; A Sunday school teacher from Quorn King Solomon in Sheba's bower To David, Goliath doth crieth, How quiet Goliath doth lieth. God said, "David, did you smite Goliath You do have your myths in a twitht. Goliath was known for ferocity. Young David was hung like a bull. Once I read in an old tattered book, So David's boss-man, name of Saul, "Ogg, you're getting the name wrong!", you cry. At the feast Dave says "I beg your pardon, "That'll cost you," says Saul, "Many sows and Dave thinks this a damned strange request, To his amazement, the Phils are resistant, The reasoning for this strange mission, So he travels on home with his booty, So Saul Gives his girl as Dave's wife, Well my Ermintrude's starting her yelling, When David had counted the throng (Samuel 24:15)
The bath of Bathsheba, for certain, Goliath was killed by the rock A rock on the cock causes shock, Goliath was taller and fatter, So David, the youngest of three, Of Goliath now will I sing: My serpent turns into a pike The Lord spake with a tone of affection Long before the affair at the stable, Said Moses to God, "If I go From a cloud the good Lord had a yearning Moses, who did not think quick, To Moses God gave His advice Zipporah appeared somewhat miffed To the ground Moses threw down a rod God told Moses to strike up the band God told Moses to start telling quips. "Though the mind," declared Pharoah, "recoils (Exodus 9:10)
There was an old Hebrew named Ham, They marched seven days 'round the walls, Ruth stood 'midst the alien corn; They claim that horn fells walls and doors, As stated, here I will not trouble It all came to an immediate halt, When Moses gave Pharoah a "nix", Down the Nile, a-tisket, a-tasket; Moses prayed, when he saw the Red Sea, Have you ever considered it odd (Exodus 34:6-7)
The sin by which mankind is bound;
"It was not," so said he,
"The fruit on the tree,
But the lust of the pair on the ground."
--- Bob L Staples Lib Lim
It was not, as some scholars have found,
The apple aglow,
On the tree that brought woe
To the world, but that pair on the ground.
--- John Ciardi A
And he moved upon Eve very deftly.
He said, "Put it in!"
And there began sin.
It was then that thing really got nasty.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He begins by exploring his date.
Where her torso adjoins
He discoveres some loins,
And the ribbing she gives him feels great!
--- Thomas A Quinine P8409
But Disney could use Donald Duck,
Where the Lord in His majesty
(This won't be a travesty)
Shows Adam the right way to fuck.
--- Phil Cannibal P9012
The belly of Eve, as they grapple.
Then parting her thighs,
His passionate prize
Would spit in the eye of her apple.
--- John Miller
Adam found his own solace while waiting.
So God promised a woman
To this first horny human,
If the poor sod would stop masturbating.
--- A N Wilkins P9209
Be caused by that one bite of apple."
Said the Lord, but that frolic
Was sex (quite symbolic)
That's not shown in the old Sistine Chapel.
--- Isaac Asimov
He said, "We, I would say, are naive.
I don't give a hoot
About eating the fruit,
And I say we should try to conceive."
--- Al Willis P9602
Propagate, what should they do?
They had to wait
For a later date,
Till Archimedes invented the screw.
--- Tom Patterson P9602
He found it was no piece of cake.
So though it seemed odd,
Adam beseeched his God,
"Please tell me, Lord, what's a headache?"
--- Jane D Hughes P9209 a
Expecting from Adam relief.
Yet how much she triedm
Relief was denied,
And she wailed loud, "Boy where is the beef?"
--- Dirruk
"Oh Adam please give me a fuck."
He heard not her howl,
He was out with the fowl,
Trying to get down on a duck.
--- Tiddy Ogg
My heat, with that worm, you won't slake.
I need to be rammed,
So Heaven be damned,
I'll just get it on with that snake."
--- Frank
That Adam was such a clever chap.
This chick's a dead ringer
For her mom, a foul swinger.
It wasn't worth risking the clap.
--- Mr Malo
Do you paint those silly windmills?
The light house was nice,
But the fucking price
Gave me both the shits and the chills.
--- Frank Fazed
In so many productive ways.
In the polder I guess,
He is bonking our Bess,
And the girls say he gives them good lays.
--- Dirruk
Under aliases posting your work.
You're slandering my name;
Now I put you to shame.
You're exposing yourself as a dirk!
--- Dirruk
By Bathsheba and David were torn.
Should she laud the behavior
Of these roots of Our Savior
Or denounce the whole story as porn?
--- A N Wilkins P8611
Will wash and rinse her for an hour.
But Dave, his dad,
Less patience had -
He helped Bathsheba take a shower.
--- Irving Superior P8207
"How dare you to challenge Goliath?
And why dost thou stay
A stone's throw away?"
How quiet Goliath doth lieth.
--- Irving Superior
Just moments before he had crieth,
"Yon David I'll slay
But why doth he stay
A stone's throw away from Goliath.
--- Irving Superior P8207
With a rock and your sling? For he dieth."
David said, "That's my sling,
But I loaned Jeb the thing."
God said, "David, I think that you lieth."
--- William N Nesbit P0209
Old Goliath he never got pithed.
He was thtone cold thober
When Dave knocked him over.
(Dave aimed for hith jewelths but mithed)
--- Ericka
An expert in every atrocity,
But was knocked in a heap
By a boy who kept sheep,
A victim of teenage precocity.
--- Frank Richards
To his girl he said, "Here, have a pull."
But she had just eaten,
Samuel's meat she'd just beaten.
And she said, "Not just now, I'm still full."
--- Neal Wilgus P8207
How David, a shepherd boy, took
On giant Goliath,
And if it's no lieth,
He got that bloke to sling his hook.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Said "Stone the crows, Jack, was that all,
You needed, plus luck,
To fell that big schmuck.
Come on lad, and we'll now have a ball."
--- Tiddy Ogg
"No, leaving escape routes," say I,
For giant-killer Jack,
Is one devious way back,
When this dubious tale goes awry.
--- Tiddy Ogg
King Saul, but I'm getting a hard on.
Is that chick your daughter?
She looks just the sorta
Gal who'd go well in the garden."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Piglets, sheep and several cows and
A great many kine...
No, zap Philistines,
And bring me some foreskins, a thousand."
--- Tiddy Ogg
But off he goes at Saul's behest,
And to Philis does say
"Will you give away
Your todger-cowls?" They're not impressed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But our Davey, forever persistent,
And a man of few words,
Just hacks off their pork swords,
And into a cart throws their pistons.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file qol
From Saul was a total omission.
The answer of course is,
They're all hung like horses,
And providing too much competition.
--- Tiddy Ogg
On the way, meeting many a cutie,
Who whimpers and wails,
O'er these Philistine tails,
With which they'll no more do their duty.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And he leads her a hell of a life,
With his battles and fights,
And the carnal delights
In the whore house on Saturday night.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And although there's a lot more for telling,
Of how he put the bite
On Uriah Hittite,
I'd better go give her my swelling.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A noxious disease came along,
From Jaweh's own hand,
Decimating the land,
So the census results were all wrong.
--- A N Wilkins P8512
Caused David the King some big hurtin';
But David repented
And then he invented
The rod to hold a shower curtain.
--- Travis Brasell
Of David, who said with much shock:
"Oh, I'm feeling shame,
'Twas such a poor aim;
I hit his damn head -- not his cock!"
--- Travis Brasell
But if you're desiring to knock
His head off his shoulder,
You need a great boulder,
The size of a huge concrete block.
--- Anon
Than those he intended to batter.
But David stayed calm,
He composed a quick psalm,
And show them that size doesn't matter.
--- Richard Long
Accepted his challenge. And he
With sling aimed at forehead,
Just killed the guy stone dead;
Beheaded him for all to see!
--- Christopher Goodwins
The giant who was slain by a sling.
He was killed by a stone,
Which was quite nicely thrown
By David, who later was king.
--- Thomas A Ratliff P0305
Just as it's preparing to strike.
Like Moses' staff,
It's longer by half
Than Pharaoh's wee rod and the like.
--- Randog
And for Passover gave His direction.
"I have made this provision--
All must have circumcision--
So prepare for a short-arm inspection."
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
This advice came from God--it's no fable:
"When the dinner bell rings
Show your circumcised things,
Or do not take a seat at my table."
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
And I speak with God's voice, will folks know?
Said God, in a jam,
"I AM THAT I AM --
Just tell them I am told you so."
--- Phil Cannibal P9103
To reach Moses on matters concerning
I BE THAT I BE,
But no cloud could He see.
So he spake from a bush that was burning.
--- Albin Chaplin P9103
Showed the people his leprotic prick.
When he showed it again
It was healthy, amen!
And the people knew God did the trick.
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
That ventriloquist tricks would suffice.
But Moses was numb
And terribly dumb
That the Lord had to lecture him twice.
--- Albin Chaplin P9105
That her Moses with God had a rift.
So she took a sharp stone,
Circumcised her son's bone,
And the foreskin was God's bloody gift.
--- Albin Chaplin P9103
And a snake did appear on the sod.
Then a frog he did kiss
And a prince came from this,
Which proves the existence of God.
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
And show people his leprous right hand.
Then with artful finesse
He would cure the whole mess
Proving God was the King of the land.
--- Phil Cannibal P9104
In defense Moses said, "I make slips
And my tongue often fails--
I could tell better tales
If I only had circumcised lips."
--- Phil Cannibal P9104
From the painful afflictions and broils
Which the Hebrew priest wrought,
The most loathsome, I thought,
Were the festering blains and the boils."
--- A N Wilkins P8512
Who complained, "I am old; yes I am.
My many joints creak
And my plumbing doth leak,
Or else its stopped up like a dam."
--- Sam Chen
And cheered, and blew their trumpet calls.
The people went hoarse
With their shouting, of course,
Till Bang! Crash! Old Jericho falls!
--- Christopher Goodwins
She's homeless and looks so forlorn.
Then over the hill
She sees with a thrill
Young Joshua blowing his horn.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And smites the Philistine (w)hordes.
That may be a fable
But one thing it's able
To do is make Ruth drop her drawers.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To tell you of walls turned to rubble,
But one thing I'm sure of,
Young Ruth wanted more of
That treatment she got in the stubble.
--- Tiddy Ogg
When Ruth became a pillar of salt.
While no one could dick her,
At least they could lick her;
'Twas all horny young Joshua's fault.
--- John Henry
Pharoah said, "That, me off, it sure ticks.
Now Moses, my pigeon,
You should stick to religion;
Keep your nose out of my politics."
--- Limerick Bible P970
Moses in a small wicker basket.
Save him not, Pharaoh's daughters!
Leave the child on the waters
Or The Red Sea will blow up its gasket.
--- Lynn Mostafa
"Lord, have You guidance for me?"
God said, "Read instructions
For meeting obstructions;
Look under 'DeMille, Cecil B.'"
--- Bob L Staples Lib Lim
That a supposedly self-declared God
Should punish a grandkid
For something his gramp did?
It's proclaimed in the Bible, by God.
--- Laurence Perrine P8902a
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