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When the Pharaoh of Egypt first saw Said Jim, "It was six foot and slender, When the aardvark, ahead of the boa, There was an old man named Isaiah, These four fathers of Genesis knew In Genesis one quickly tires Since God had no place He could stay, For three days the Lord stood aghast God created the MOON for the night, On day four God created the SUN Though the Lord had a salvation plan To the gate of St. Peter came Nick. At ninety Abe's wife did embrace Old Sarah was stricken and sore "It was," Saral said, "a real gaffe. It seems Lot had no feeling of fault As Judah the water did draw, Living in a cave with their dad The daughters of Lot could not bother The Creation was done without test Jacob worked out his full stint To Abraham God thusly spoke, With his cousin, Jake started undressing, To Jake said the angel, "I came It seems the Good Lord had forgot Judah's friend was a sheepherder pure-- While looking for whores, Judah saw From the X-rays old Judah did say When the madam did answer the door, Since Er behaved badly, God frowned When Onan on earth his sperm poured, Pharoah's butler had dreams in his head. Sons of God have their balls full of cream-- Sons of God in the heavens did roam-- The Scripture is really quite clear. Old Lot drank deep from his amphora, A biblical puzzle I've solved; Praise the Lord! His name EXALT. There was an old bloke in the Bible, Onan found, as he pondered them o'er, If you want to know how we began, To understand life, it seems right The intricate parts took their places The tale of the Tower of Babel, Yes, Noah, they say, was a sailor, Jonah mused, as he cruised through the whale, When Jonah was inside the whale, From the bible there comes a tale gory, Old Jonah, the butt of rebuke, In tears sits Jonah in the whale; When Jonah went into the whale, There once was a postman named Hale Jonah messed with God to no avail, I've thought, now and then, as of late, Old Jonah was told all along Cowardly old Jonah set sail I suppose you have all heard of Jonah, When Jonah went over the rail, There once was a fellow named Aaron Said Moses, "The Gold Calf affronts Prophet Moses, that stuttering dunce, Old Moses though clearly no dunce, Now Moses descends and confronts Moses had been on Mt. Sinai for months, From Sinai came Moses, poor dunce. Then God said to Moses: "You're strong; With boss gone, the tribe had a laugh,
Israelites wouldn't bow to his law,
He screamed, "Anymore tricks
You'll get just earth for bricks!"
The dour Hebrews said, "That's the last straw."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201
A vision of serpentine splendor!
But it was no fake,
Just my trouser snake,
And clearly marked 'Return To Ssssender.'
--- David Miller
Was discussing provisions with Noah,
The skipper said, "Lord!
You want TERMITES aboard!
You'll be lucky to get protozoa."
--- Lims Unlimited
Who foresaw the coming Messiah.
Jonah told tales
Of life inside whales,
And Moses set bushes on fiah.
--- Richard Long
Their wives when at plus 62,
The were heard to say "Whee,
This beats AARP,
And sitting around with nothing to do.
--- Limerick Bible P9706
Of lists, length, miles-frequent-fliers;
It's tough to endure
Biblical LONGUEUR,
Stretches of sons and their sires.
--- Chris Papa
He created a Heaven, they say.
He made DAY as a lark
And they He added some DARK,
And He smiled and He called it a day.
--- Phil Cannibal P9105
While the morning and evening still passed.
It was poorly begun
And was done without SUN
So the Lord had to do something fast.
--- Albin Chaplin P9105
But the MOON had a mind full of spite,
For the son-of-a-gun
Spent much time with the SUN
Leaving men in the dark with no light.
--- Albin Chaplin P9105
And He made it rule DAY just for fun.
And, heaven forbid,
It's a good thing He did!
Or daylight would cease at day one.
--- Phil Cannibal P9105
Ever since the creation began,
Yet He still was possessed
And was fully obsessed
With removing the foreskin of man.
--- Albin Chaplin P9103
He said, "Open the gate and be quick."
But St. Peter said, "Wait,
I'll not open the gate
Till you show me your circumcised prick."
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
The Lord who did visit her place.
Said the Lord, "Abe, take care,
For a son she shall bear."
And Abraham laughed in God's face.
--- Albin Chaplin P9103
But the Lord said her sex he'd restore.
"Do you mean I will screw
With an orgasm, too?"
Said the Lord, "You'll get that and much more."
--- Albin Chaplin P9103
I did not, I know, do it by half,
But, Abram, your pardon.
Your getting a hard-on
At your age! It still makes me laugh."
--- A N Wilkins P8509
But his daughters their fucking did halt,
So he got drunk again
And went out on the plane,
Where he fucked a pillar of salt.
--- Albin Chaplin P9106
He looked down and his hard-on he saw.
He slipped Tamar his cock
For a goat from his flock.
Thus he fucked with his daughter-in-law.
--- Albin Chaplin P9106
And no husband or stud to be had,
As his daughters design
They make Lot drunk with wine,
And get pregnant that night in his pad.
--- A N Wilkins P9508
To look for two men as they oughter,
So they got daddy drunk
And were screwed in his bunk--
Each now known as fucker of father.
--- Albin Chaplin P9106
And nothing came out for the best.
A quadrillion stars ALSO!
To create them took gall, so
No wonder the Lord had to rest!
--- Phil Cannibal P9105
To win Rachel, with never a hint
That aught was awry --
Then Laban so sly
Said, "Now, bubbie, read the small print."
--- Biblical Limericks P0202
"Thou shalt sacrifice Isaac in smoke."
So Abe reached out to slay him,
But the angel did stay him.
"Ha Ha!" said the Lord, "It's a joke!"
--- Albin Chaplin P9105
Next his sister he started caressing.
Then he proceeded to screw
Both the handmaidens too,
And all with the Lord's holy blessing.
--- Albin Chaplin P9106
To provide you a change from your name."
Some years later God came
With his message, the same,
"To provide you a change for your name."
--- Phil Cannibal P9105
The name change for Abe that he sought.
Angel-wrestling at night
With Jake was too trite.
So God had to wrought a new plot.
--- Albin Chaplin P9105
Hirah's prick only touched sheep manure.
Judah fucked in the straw
With his daughter-in-law.
Hirah relished his role as voyeur.
--- Phil Cannibal P9106
A harlot with veil, in the raw.
When he blew midst her thighs
She did yell out, "Surprise!
You have just fucked your daughter-in-law!"
--- Albin Chaplin P9106
That Tamar had twins on the way.
A hand poked from her twat--
Wrote, "A girl I am not."
But his brother was first to see day.
--- Albin Chaplin P9105
It was Onan to visit his whore.
She had new carpets laid
And was sadly dismayed
To see Onan jack-off on the floor.
--- Albin Chaplin P9106
And by God, Er was throttled and drowned.
Onan married Er's wife
But was slain by God's knife,
Because Onan jacked-off on the ground.
--- Phil Cannibal P9106
He was killed by a wrathful God's sword.
I conclude from my crimes,
Fully five thousand times,
I've been killed and revived by the Lord.
--- Phil Cannibal P9106
He asked Joseph what God to him said.
Joseph told the Lord's view
So the baker asked too,
But the baker was already dead.
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
To screw virgins on earth is their scheme.
When these ladies are mated,
Many giants are created
Who then join a pro basketball team.
--- Albin Chaplin P9105
This is file qnl
Where they came from, it never was known.
They each other upended,
Then to Earth they descended,
Where their seed amongst virgins was sown.
--- Phil Cannibal P9105
There's no marriage in heaven, I fear.
Like the angels before
(Gen. 6, in verse 4) --
Free love is the answer. Hear! Hear!
--- Bill Loring P9001
And then summoned his strumpet Lenora.
She was not to be seen,
So Lot, drunk and mean,
Then sodomized most of Gommorah.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0501
A saline solution's involved.
That nice Mister Lot
A divorce never got;
The rain came and his wife was dissolved.
--- Prof
Though nosiness was her chief fault.
He fixed Lot's wife good,
Changed where she stood,
Into a hard pillar of salt.
--- Chris Papa
Built an ark as a means of survival.
But due to a flaw,
There were fights tooth and claw;
Each animal there had a rival.
--- Richard Long
His progenitive duties a bore;
He'd have been in there trying,
If he'd known he'd be dying
For shunning his sister-in-law.
--- Biblical Limericks P9706
The clues are in Genesis, man!
There was nothing at first
Till the universe burst
On Infinity, according to plan.
--- Old Test Apoc Lims P0411
That God made the lot, day and night!
The universe grew
As His Spirit moved too!
It was good, as things came to the Light!
--- Old Test Apoc Lims P0411
Right up to the first human races.
Whoever they were,
Eve and Adam infer,
God created us from the same faces.
--- Old Test Apoc Lims P0411
Another old Christian-type fable,
Is all truth, you know,
'Cause scholars can show
'Twas written by god's cousin Mabel.
--- Anon
The Ark though, it seems was a failure.
The man was mistook
When woodworms he took.
which cause the whole crew there to bale her.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"I'm in guts to my nuts in this jail,
But I'll pass through the ass
In a mass of hot gas,
And depart with a fart through the tail."
--- G1480
He probably went rather pale,
And said: "What I wish
Is to exit this fish,
By the mouth and not via the tail.
--- Richard Long
How the whale swallowed Jonah so hoary.
But what boggles the mind
Is when you later find
How so many men swallowed the story.
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
All dressed in fine coat and peruke,
His fate did bewail,
So God spoke to the whale,
And the whale on the dry land did puke.
--- Phil Cannibal P9104
In darkness Jonah has to bail.
"I wet each match
I try to scratch."
He blubbers and begins to wail.
--- Irving Superior P8207
He was spit out again, whole and hale.
But that is for looks
And the sale of good books.
I bet he was shat out the tail!
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Who swam into the mouth of a whale.
He looked all about
Crying, "Jonah, come out!
There's once cent postage due on your mail!"
--- Ogden Nash P9002
And ended up in the gut of a whale.
"If I get out, Oi!
I will be a good boy!
But this is a whale of a tale!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Of that bible fisherman's fate;
That Jonah's a fool.
He ignored that old rule,
"Do not use yourself as the bait!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
"Go to Nineveh and sing them your song."
For those not believin'
He proved that not even
Can a whale stomach prophets for long.
--- John M Scoot P9704
And was promptly swallowed up by the whale.
Said the fish with disdain,
"Lord, I hate to complain,
But your prophet is moldy and stale!"
--- Lynn Mostafa
Who was really a bit of a groaner.
Any search for that whale
Would be destined to fail,
For in those days, they hadn't got sonar.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
He sat for three days in a whale,
And thinking of Nineveh,
He longed for the cinema
And a chance to stand up and inhale.
--- Lims Unlimited
While crossing a desert most barren,
"No lilacs, no roses,
No grass, Holy Moses!
Can this be the suburbs of Canaan?"
--- Irving Superior P8207
The Lord: and your prayers -- lustful grunts."
Then, having his way,
Smashed the tablets of clay,
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.
--- Ed Potts P8908
Spying Hebrew girls flashing their cunts
'Round that foul Golden Calf,
Smashed the tablets in half
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8908
Pulled one of the klutziest stunts;
While the tablets he gripped,
On his robes when he tripped
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8908
His people at Golden Calf stunts.
He drops, with a groan,
Two tablets of stone,
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.
--- Laurence Perrine P8908
When God found he'd chosen a dunce,
While skipping along,
Moses tripped on his thong,
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.
--- C W Curry P8908
He discovered idolatrous stunts.
Thus chagrined, Moses threw
Down the tablets so new,
Breaking all Ten Commandments at once.
--- John Dohner P8908
Let's go up this hill, come along."
He went, scratched his scabs,
Then picked up the slabs,
Where God wrote his own bill of wrongs.
--- Tiddy Ogg
They boozed, drank and partied, not half!
The gals loosed their tresses,
And hitched up their dresses
Knee-high, showing much golden calf.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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