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Then Mo down the mountain descended, Young Moses, it seems had a yearning Think of Moses, of biblical fame; These are the laws you must keep: Give honor to mom and to dad, You have all you need in this life, Moses' cohorts grew restive and whiny, Old Mo led his folks out of Egypt; The Lord said: "Go find Habbakuk; So on the bank Hab bared his ass, Moses ate food from a trough. It (see Mormon Church - McW)
Moses was a constipated man. (Serutan - natures spelled backward is a nostrum - McW)
Said Moses to each Israelite: Old Moses brought laws cut in stone Now this pissed him right to the bone, Then Jehovah did draw down the screw; Then Moses came down in a snit. And then he climbed up on a knoll, But this seemed to make the Jews madder. Well this commandment crap got bounced around, A story not apt to inspire us "The Lord," Moses said, "gave us many things (SPAM comes in a little blue can)
Ten times cried Moses, "Let us go!" A horny old Hebrew named Moses God gave Moses a holy command, Exterminator: Specialty roses. When Moses found out what was what, Old Moses loved virgin Zipporah, The ark ran aground on Ararat, Old Noah thought, "Since this damn flood'll When Noah set sail in the ark, A fundamentalist update -- Old Noah and his wife, Joan of Arc, While wading the Styx deep and bottomless, "You, Noah, deserve to be saved, Depressed were the spermatozoa They yearned for the chance to dabble In twos, as they entered the Ark, A stained-class designer named Mark, Said God, "This contemptible race When the dove returned from the dark Forty days, forty nights, how it poured! "What's that, Pa?" said Japheth, "A tent?" When light skin contacts skin that's dark, When Noah was loading his barge, We heard that the ark builder, Noah We heard that the ark builder, Noah, Come to Noah's for wine and strong waters, Said Noah, "This long heavy shower Though the Bible's not apt to remark When the Ark was just over Genoa The ark had reached Mount Ararat. On the ark there was soon a great jam, While sailing his ark, Captain Noah Ham saw his father's bare booty, The Ark came when the world was ill-fated. On the top of a mountain stood Noah It was valiant Captain Noah who And the crew, it's true, bid Noah adieu.
I have studied me Bible real good, When Noah took the pairs to the Ark, Then Noah (his family, too) There was a cute fellow named Noah As God made his point, the rain stopped, Every animal found in the zoo Where do you suppose God got the notion "I've wondered," confessed Mr Klein,
He saw this, and went quite demented,
And smashed up his rocks,
Put the bits in a box,
And thus was the jigsaw invented.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To pursue a strange method of learning.
He ignited the hair
Of a lady's affair,
And he talked to the bush that was burning.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2934
He didn't need a second name.
His MONONYM was enough,
'Cause when things got rough,
He'd get God to set a bush aflame.
--- Norm Brust
Put God first. And images heap
In a pile. But Gods name
You must never defame.
And take a day off for a sleep!
--- Christopher Goodwins
And don't murder folk, 'cause that's bad.
Adultry's wrong,
So is stealing, along
With saying your neighbor's a cad.
--- Christopher Goodwins
So don't covet things that are rife --
Not animals, spouse,
Or possessions, or house!
Evil habits cut down with a knife!
--- Christopher Goodwins
And constructed a gold idol shiny:
"We need something more
Up-to-date to adore
Than some 'shalts' and 'shalt nots' from Mount Sinai!"
--- Biblical Limericks P0202
They came to a sea; in his toe dipped.
He yelled "Lord tell to me,
How do we cross this sea,
With all of my gear to be trans-shipped."
--- Anon
And feed loads of beans to that schmuck.
Put a plug in his ass,
Which will hold back the gas,
And in a few days, if you've luck..."
--- Anon
And let forth a deafening blast.
The force of that fart
Made the great waters part,
And the whole motley crew of them passed.
--- Anon
Was disgusting to see how he'd scoff it.
He grew round as a ball,
But was still loved by all,
Because everyone loves a 'fat prophet'.
--- Tim
Once high up on Mt. Sinai, he ran.
From a bush, the Lord hissed,
"I'll give you an assist;
Here's two tablets; they're called Serutan."
--- Anon
"Now we've come to the Red Sea all right.
Now you can get started
While the waters are parted -
But wait for the little green light."
--- P8207
And thought that his flock would atone.
But they rejected his gaff,
And they made a gold calf,
And put the thing up on a throne.
--- Frank Ward
And he busted those tablets of stone.
Then went back to the mountain
And for forty days countin',
Tried getting some more on a loan.
--- Frank Ward
This time let him have only two.
"Of Commandments, here's Ten,
And you had better win!
Or I'll wipe out that whole Jewish crew."
--- Frank Ward
Said, "I've had enough of your shit!
You will obey what is written
Or you will be smitten
And cast into a bottomless pit!"
--- Frank Ward
And started these laws to extol.
"Now, no image you'll make!"
Then he cast a bronze snake,
And put it up high on a pole.
--- Frank Ward
He explained, "If you are bit by an adder,
Just gaze at my snake.
You'll be cured by daybreak.
If you can't see it, climb up this ladder.
--- Frank Ward
And through the long ages was found
That all these great rules
Were for other damned fools,
To keep them from taking your ground!
--- Frank Ward
Was found on an ancient papyrus;
It seems that when Moses
Came down with sclerosis,
He prayed not to God, but Osiris.
--- Butcher Baker P9301a
Consistent with good kosher upbringings.
The rest can be crammed
In those little blue cans.
Gentiles will eat most anything."
--- Will Briggs
Ten times the Pharaoh answered, "No!"
Ten times plus one,
Perhaps a pun,
"You're not," cried he, "Fair, Oh, Pharaoh."
--- Irving Superior P8207
Watched girls in unnatural poses,
But claiming this odd
Vice sacred to God,
Came out of it smelling like roses.
--- Armand E Singer 348
"To the Pharaoh show tricks in his land."
But Moses was short
In the magical sport.
Said the Lord, "TAKE MY ROD IN YOUR HAND."
--- Al Chaplin P9608
No poisons -- no traps -- and no hoses.
Infestations of frogs,
Rodents, plagues, and wild dogs.
Free inspection -- will travel -- See Moses.
--- Arthur Deex P8703
Eight out of ten were SHALT NOT.
You may think that strong,
But you would be wrong;
Nobody intends to get caught.
--- Laurence Perrine P8604
And also, 'twas rumored, a whorah;
Plus Jew Law, you see,
So Moses loved three:
Zipporah, the whorah, the Torah.
--- Travis Brasell
The rain had stopped and that was that.
Then Noah stepped on deck,
And said: "Where the heck
This stinking and fat ship is at?"
--- William K Alsop Jr
Last months, with the sheep I will huddle;"
He heard his wife speak,
"This ark sprang a leak;
I found, by the sheep, a white puddle!"
--- Travis Brasell
'Twas hard to find in the dark.
But later on, you could tell
Because of the smell;
You could easily find the ark park.
--- William K Alsop Jr
While forty days and nights they wait,
Those beasts know as "extincts"
(Includes two Missing Links)
Are what the other two ate.
--- Irving Superior P9009
Went out for a walk in the park.
Alas, they soon found
There was no solid ground,
And they sank 'neath the sea, cold and dark.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file qml
They met with a candid hippopotamus.
"Now don't be bereft,
Take first turn on your left,
And wait for the queue--there's a lot of us."
--- Cyber Wizard
For you're not even mildly depraved.
Build an ark. Make it huge,
To withstand the deluge,
Lest you sink to a watery grave."
--- Old Test Made Easy P0110
Born many long eons agoa.
With no chance for frolics
Or fun in the bollocks
Of ancient and wizened old Noah.
--- Peter Wilkins
At swimming upstream (what a rabble)
But Noah was old
And his blood had grown cold,
To they ended their days playing scrabble.
--- Peter Wilkins
A "psst psst" made Noah remark,
"Mosquitoes 'psst psst'
I should check my list,"
However by then it was dark.
--- Irving Superior P9611
Comissioned to do Noah's Ark,
Show Noah and crew
And their wifes, two by two,
Getting down to it--just for a lark.
--- Chris Young
Has proved itself shockingly base.
Such rascals! Confound them,
I fear I must drown them.
They're sinning all over the place.
--- Old Test Made Easy P0110
And fluttered on deck of the ark,
Old Noah got a peek
Of a bug in its beak,
And said, "It is time to debark."
--- Chris Papa
They were itchy, rheumatic, and bored.
But they weathered the flood,
And debarked in the mud.
"Last one off is a slug!" said the Lord.
--- Old Test Made Easy P0110
Said Noah, "Just 'ark and repent!"
Said Shem, "It's a sham."
"What's it made of?" said Ham.
"Gopher Wood," Noah said. So they went.
--- John Dole P9604 a
Perhaps behind shrubs in a park,
Such pairings are neat,
Though it could face defeat,
If Noah should rebuild his Ark.
--- Tucker D Ott P8911
Reb Levi he had to discharge,
'Cause he lost his cool,
When he saw Reb's tool;
"LEVIATHAN is just too large!"
--- Chris Papa
Put two unicorns and a boa
Constrictor on board,
His boat, per the lord;
Thus we don't see horned horses no moa.
Put two unicorns and a boa
Constrictor on board
His boat, per the Lord.
Thus we don't see horned horses no moa.
--- Vie
And for diddling in clean classy quarters.
I assure every guest,
I've made personal test,
Of my booze, and my bed, and my daughters.
--- Anon G0115
Has messed up my reckoning power.
According to me,
We're on the Black Sea -
Yet we've just passed the Post Office Tower."
--- P8207
'Bout the beasts on old Noah's ark.
Confinement is wearing
And tempers were flaring,
But the bite was no worse than his Barque.
--- P8207
Mrs. Noah burst forth at poor Noah,
"Who's this Joan of Arc?
You are keeping her dark:"
Oh No! I don't know her," said Noah.
--- P8207
The Bible says that after that,
They rushed outside
And multiplied
As fast as you can say "begat."
--- Irving Superior P8207
So Noah ate much veal and young lamb.
But the taboos on pig,
Made that meat infra dig,
Though in secret Noah sometimes ate Ham.
--- Anon
Had an angry exchange with a boa.
For excessive constricting
Noah threatened evicting,
But the boa pledged Noah "No mo'a!"
--- P8207
So the Jews treated his kids like cooties;
They slaughtered them here
And murdered them there;
Ol' Noah's butt must have been quite a beauty.
--- Robert Moore
Then the rains appeared strong, unabated.
There it suddenly sat
Atop Mt. Ararat,
The only spot uninundated.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0308
And found it was raining no moah,
He saw that the ark
Had a safe place to park,
And then he flung open the doah.
--- Lims Unlimited
Turned his boat into a floating zoo.
But when population grew,
And he declared sex taboo,
Two gnu withdrew; they'd rather screw.
--- Lynn Mostafa
But there's one thing I've not understood:
It's why Noah," the clot!
Didn't get out his swat,
And kill both them flies when he could!
--- Jim Fitzpatrick P0504
Conditions on board were quite stark.
When he sent out a dove
Which brought signs from above,
He knew he'd find somewhere to park.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Assembled an unabridged zoo.
"What a stench!" Noah cried,
Hanging over the side.
"Every one of them needs a shampoo."
--- Old Test Made Easy P0110
Who knew when rain came, it would pour.
So he built a nice ark,
But thought it no "lark"
When the elephant stuck in the door.
--- Miss N Saunders
And on to Mt Ararat dropped
The Ark. All within it
Cried, "Praise God! We've done it!
And onto dry land they then popped.
--- Christopher Goodwins
Ambled onto the Ark, two by two.
Two impalas, who leapt;
Two iguanas, who crept;
Two guanacos, two gnats and two gnu.
--- David Morin
Before launching the Ark into motion;
Lobsters, Whales, Jellyfish,
With free will or free wish,
Would climb into that craft from the ocean?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0011
"When it came time out there on the brine
To tie up the Ark,
So that they could debark,
Who was it who caught Noah's line?"
--- Attic Salt P0001
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