"Rum-tiddy rum-tiddley dum"
Thus rumbles the sound of the drum;
But not to the drunkard
Bent over his tankard,
To him it says nothing but "Rum!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8403

Thinking his last day had come,
A bar-steward drank all the rum,
Then fell into the sea,
And eventually
Was picked up uninjured -- but numb.
--- Don Paul

At the ritz a young lady drank lunch,
With a roue who ordered rum punch.
As they clinked cup to cup,
He said, "Bottoms up!"
Which I'd say was a rather shrewd hunch.
--- John Ciardi A

A tipsy old woman in Rye
Poured rum in her Thanksgiving pie,
Then dipped in her thumb,
Which was already numb,
And licked it until it was dry.
--- Limber Limericks

A waggish young lady named Wright,
Spoons rum to her cat every night;
And at home, rumors state,
She's a great one to date,
With her pussy entrancingly tight!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

When people die and we joke,
It is quite an unfair poke;
But what the hell,
We bid them farewell
And toast them with rum and with coke.
--- Chris Tustin

Don't ever drink Mexican Rum
Which makes morals and nerve-endings numb.
You'll awake the nest morn
With your pantyhose torn,
And your tonsils all gummy from come.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403 a

When you drink a big belt of rum,
It lights a warm fire in your tum.
Used in making Bacardis,
And frozen daiquiris,
The Caribbean is where it is from.
--- William K Alsop Jr

Quite early this morning (at three),
Some horrible noise 'wakened me.
The house -- it got shook;
I was scared to look.
I went down to the basement to see.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

My old water heater exploded;
I think that some parts had eroded.
The water ran out
I could only pout,
Pull out the dark rum and get loaded!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

One evening while playing gin rummy,
I ended up feeling a dummy.
It was Linda Lusardi
On Coke and Bacardi;
With her mouth full, she sounds really plummy.
--- Kevin Hale Q

Ho, ho! And a barrel of rum.
Six drinks and I no longer come.
So to earn the respect
Of you girls, I expect
To buy you three drinks to my one.
--- John Miller

A comely young lady named Mott
A drink from the bartender sought.
And she said to him, "Bruce,
Can you give me some juice?"
So he asked her to spread out her twat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2202

A businesslike lady once baited
The door of her flat with X-rated
Interior views,
And, in neon, 'FREE BOOZE'.
Then stretched out on a bearskin and waited.
--- John Ciardi

Was a time when I'd giggle and snicker
At "Candy's dandy, liquor's quicker,"
But I've learned it's true
And this is true too --
Try both if you're planning to dick her.
--- Ann Gasser P9003

There was a young lady from Chester
Who wept when the cardinal blessed her;
With the aid of champagne
He blessed her again,
And then for her sin, he confessed her.
--- Lims Unlimited

A simple young lady of Ypsi
Was fucked every time she got tipsy,
By the Chief of Police,
And the Justice of Peace.
And a preacher disguised as a gypsy.

(Ypsi = Ypsilanti, Michigan)
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1177

A cad, who with little COMPUNCTION
Used young girls for sinister function,
Would ply them with gin,
So he might begin
A venereal conjunction.
--- Chris Papa

A girl with a passion for porter
Was busted while crossing the border.
Her suitcase was filled
With fine spirits, distilled,
And she'd share if they didn't report her.
--- ROE

"Oh, you will share!" the agent insisted,
"But not of this booze that you've listed..."
And extracted a duty
That sure was a beauty;
Do you think she should have resisted?
--- John Miller

"Of course not!" she said, "What a thrill!
And my spirits I won't have to spill!"
So she gave of her treasure
In generous measure,
Till the agents had all had their fill.
--- ROE

In days all the agents were bitchin';
It felt like their crotches were twitchin'.
When pissing, they groaned,
And all the time moaned...
Their dicks were on fire and itchin'.
--- Frank Specter

Themselve they have only to blame;
For itching sensations, a shame.
Since no condoms were used,
They're singing the blues.
Penicillin's the cure, that's its name.
--- Arden

A frigid young lady named Fox
Resisted young men of all walks.
But what thawed out her body
Was a double hot toddy,
Which was followed by two on the rocks.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1339

"Drink to me only with thine eyes";
This statement sounded quite wise.
No more bills so dear
For bacardi and beer;
A good way to economize.
--- Anon

A raunchy old rancher named Barber,
Checking out some gal near the harbor,
Could not help but think:
"I will ply her with drink,
And lie down with her, down by the arbor!"
--- Dick Hull

At confession a man from the East
His perversions disclosed to the priest.
After two drinks, he said,
He'd take girls to his bed --
After four, 'twas a four-legged beast.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1131

There was a young lady named Kate
Who asked for a drink from her date:
"Just two fingers for me."
But he gave her full three --
She was fucked by the Finger Of Fate!
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0101

But observe this young girl in a pickle,
The finger of Fate must be fickle;
His love, the man swore,
In great torrents would pour,
But the best he could do was a trickle.
--- Albin Chaplin 0324 G0102

A wise man should be scorning,
But should take heed of this warning:
At night that sweet doxy
Might look pretty foxy,
But she'll look like a dog in the morning.
--- Kaylin Brandon

In the sticks lives a lady named Bright
With a face that's a horrible fright,
But no fellow minds that --
She feeds gin to her cat --
And it's fun when her pussy is tight.
--- Al Chaplin 3024 P8812a

Look, that guy is winking at me.
The really cute one, do you see?
Says Charlie's his name,
Then asks if I'm game
To share his Long Island Ice Tea.
--- Anon

I guess he was getting me drunk;
That Charlie is really no monk.
Wife won't understand
One more one-night stand,
So, let's make it long term, you hunk!
--- Anon

This is file qdm

It's an IRREFRAGABLE truth,
That many men are uncouth.
To seduce the Lady,
We customers shady
Rely upon gin and vermouth.
--- Phil Kinay

The mother advised her young daughter
To shun the conniving young plotter
Who was after free tail.
So she fucked with a male
If he offered some gin, scotch or water.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0105

This is not a very good rhyme;
Here's a girl who thinks sex is a crime;
But when she gets tight
She thinks it's all right,
So give me a huge one with lime!"
--- Eric Sykes

Since I did not eat too much,
How about we get into some dutch.
Instead of a snooze,
We'll drink up the booze
Then shall we go for the clutch?
--- Frank

A beer would be fine, how 'bout wine?
Doesn't matter for intentions sublime.
An old country boy wrote,
(And I paraphrase the quote)
If you got cash, I got time.
--- Anon

I've purchased a jolly new policy
To ensure that no lovely young doll I see
Can claim breach of promise
In case her pajamas
Come off during joint alcoholicy.
--- Norm Storer P9412a

A young lady of Passamaquoddy
Was addicted to hot whiskey toddy,
Which rendered her prone;
So she came to be known
As the earthy, but heavenly, body.
--- Keith MacMillan 32d

I told her and told her and told her,
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
After drinking too much
You silly old lush,
That gorilla, you just want to hold her.
--- Arden

On her high horse, a lady named Hopper,
Declared she would let no man topper.
Till Freddy the Fink,
Having plied her with drink,
Slipped her cinch -- and did she come a cropper!
--- John Ciardi

Let's go pub-crawling, my dear, tonight;
There's a place I know way out of sight;
If we start to feel lust,
We'll go do what we must;
So, if you're in the mood, well alright!
--- Anon

A pub crawl? Well WHOOPEDY DOOP!!!
And then dinner with steak and some soup.
I'm right in the mood
For some beer and some food,
But be careful, or you'll start to droop!
--- Anon

A steak dinner, with beer, that's for sure!
If you like, we will have soup de jour;
While we let it digest,
I do shyly suggest,
One or two low-life bars we could tour!
--- Anon

Here's a joint with male strippers on stage;
Among women, I hear, it's the rage;
All those guys with slim thongs,
Barely hiding their dongs,
Make a horny doll act half her age!
--- Anon

Even older babes act like they're yokels,
When they screech and get steamed-up bifocals;
But of course you're demure,
With no notions impure;
This vile bar is for tourists, not locals!
--- Anon

Please don't fret 'bout my hand on your knee;
It's to keep you warm, not to make free;
Do those dancers disgust
You or fill you with lust;
Later on in this evening, we'll see!
--- Anon

I'm amazed, how these girls all carouse;
Why, there's not a dry seat in the house!
If those dudes make you shriek,
I can give what you seek;
I'll be Mickey, and you Minnie Mouse!
--- Anon

It helps to apply some libations
To disperse all those darned hesitations.
Yet we'll keep our legs crossed
And our teeth all well-flossed,
Lest we give in to crude cogitations.
--- Priestess T9801

I tried to romance young Kaylin,
Disguising my need for some sin.
Now she's gone and hid,
Rejecting my bid,
And I'm left with a bar full of gin!
--- Anon

So I'll go no more a-romancing;
I won't even take them out dancing.
To ease off my lust,
I'll do what I must,
'Cause even Ms Palmer's entrancing.
--- Anon

A despoiling young lad of Poughkeepsie
Would encourage a girl to get tipsy,
Whereupon he'd display,
I am sorry to say,
All the moral restraint of a gypsy.
--- Keith MacMillan A087C

There was an unscrupulous Tar
Who met a sweet thing in a bar.
To get to her quicker,
He plied her with liquor.
And now, she's an unwedded Ma.
--- Versifier P9601

When out on the town late at night,
In nightclub or disco's dim light,
My dad told to me,
For a girl to make free,
The loose women must be got tight.
--- Anon

Said a worldly-wise nippy-hipped minx,
"No matter what any guy thinks,
I STILL play hard to get...
I'll be bed-bounced, you bet,
But first I get lots of free drinks."
--- Grand Prix Lim 773

With Karen I've had my first date;
To impress I did not hesitate.
I said "Come see my castle."
She replied "Okay asshole,
How long does it take to inflate."
--- Tiddy Ogg

Your inflation was slow but sure;
Duct tape fixed your pride's puncture.
All was just fine
Till that eighth glass of wine,
Then the rest has become a soft blur.
--- Karen

All women will quickly discard
Any point that's not driven in hard.
Make your drink big and stiff,
As you're taking that whiff;
Holding tight to your soft little shard.
--- Anon

A maidenhead popper named Drew,
Whose morals are terribly few,
Said, "At first some will balk,
But booze and sweet talk
Make them do what they say they won't do."
--- Grand Prix Lim 99

There is a young girl from Poughkeepsie,
Known through the town as a gypsy.
If she has not a drink,
She gives ne'er a wink,
But, man, she puts out when she's tipsy!
--- Anon

I spotted a sweet senorita,
And plied her with neat margarita.
A quart was enough
To finger her muff,
But a gallon before I could eat her.
--- Anon

An effeminate Fellow of Lincoln,
One night did some serious drinkin'.
Met a girl, now his wife,
Learned the true facts of life,
And blesses the day he got stinkin'.
--- G2403

Ecumenical choir-girl Miss Hughes,
Went out for fine food and good booze.
She woke up in bed
With her face vivid red,
With a minister, priest, and two Jews.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0410

Observed an old playboy named Bricker,
"Some bard claims it best to use liquor,
But when I feel randy,
No booze, much less candy;
It's cash, for which nothing is quicker."
--- Armand E Singer 38a

A most wretched lecher named Brewer
Would get his girl soused and the screw her.
Laughing, "Sure I done bad --
How else to be had?
When sober, there's no one much purer."
--- Armand E Singer 361

On Saturday nights, young Rochelle
Goes out on the town raising Hell.
And late in the night,
When she's very tight,
She gives away what she could sell!
--- Archie