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A lovely young lady from Liechtenstein "Bill first plied me with gin and vermouth. A mighty smart frigger named Fred There was a young lady quite frisky, And now I'm a beer drinking lush, Although liquor was Ogden's delight, The heat in the land of the Sphinx Old Captain Sally, not tame, Some rascals, on whom we did frown, Bourbon and beer brought 'em cheer! Carrie Nation of the South blew her top; Through the tintype salon they did gallop, The patrons escaped by back alley; The temperance-queen, Carrie Nation, Carrie Nation preached all about booze. There was an old maid from North Cape Pete has a difference equation (Peter Salamon)
Larry drank beer by the flagon; In New Orleans, I found a house If I had just heeded the word My youth was completely a waste. My mother, she sews new blue jeans, A fool I have been, Oh Lord God! The few times I'm satisfied are Don't drink hooch if you've got diabetes! There once was a fellow named Wynne, To sip on a dram of good rum Now Gillian -- an expat Briton, There was an old sailor of Crete, I give you this bright little nugget: A Salvation chick named Miss Scott, In many a Western-type flicker This morning I'm feeling quite seedy, There once was a fellow named Marty, A teetotaler wary of sin There was an old person of Jena, Good morrow, Neighbor Gamble. (wamble - disturbed stomach, staggering gait)
Gramercy, neighbor Jinkin, Yes, my sperm have Halos and Wings There was a young fellow named Hilary "I do it all for the Lord's sake," The Spoonerist suffragette Phryne Not drinking should not make me glum; There is an old fellow from Bath, I like a stiff drink, I confess, I just don't happen to drink, I'm not telling you what to do; My friends have known from the start; There once was a fellow named Itchy, Now that I write stories for pay, A nasty old nag named Sobriety The story of Marg was quite sad; George woke, found that he had his drag on; A dipso by name of Pendragon There was a young man named Hughes, I hope that you're being sardonic, Luke spent each Lent on the wagon Back East, there was an old Gypsy, Now, Betty the pot head's story There once was an alky named Bill I see by the Medical News You drinkers really are barmy, We salvationists say "'Way with booze! That fruit-cake there may contain rum; And that loaf of bread contains yeast. The old country preacher Declindt After Friday night, I'll not touch a drop;
Surrendered her virtue with too much wine.
When asked if she would,
She misunderstood,
And said "Ja" when she should of said "Nein."
--- Gene Williamson
Then he made me perform things uncouth."
"That's a lie," says our Bill.
"Wholly false is this Jill!
It was vodka, I swear that's the truth."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Smiled a sniggering smile when he said,
"There's nothing like whiskey
To make a babe frisky
And get her to head for the bed."
--- Grand Prix Lim 299
Who said that free love was too risky.
She did cooperate
In a manner first rate,
When presented a full shot of whiskey.
--- Albin Chaplin
A bimbo with brains that are mush?
Well sorry, you're wrong.
Now cover your dong;
It's wine that gives this girl a rush.
--- Anon
Every night he'd get high as a kite!
"One night I abstain."
He said with disdain,
"New Years Eve is Amateur Night!"
--- Ogden Nield
Is reason for icing my drinks.
But NON-alcoholic?
(The thought gives me colic.)
Arabian dishwater stinks!
--- R J Winkler P8407
The Temperance Crusader, took aim
At all those who'd use
Or sold beer or booze,
To bash those who'd trash the town's name.
--- Anon
Had a secret saloon in this town;
A tintype salon
In front, then a john;
'Hind that, good fellows sat down!
--- Anon
Slugs from strange jugs; rotgut here!
Tranquillity wrecked;
Whole town could detect
Loud revels from these devils, I fear!
--- Anon
Captain Sally held a rally to stop
This boozing; and then,
Formed, with tough men,
A Posse Commitatis on the spot!
--- Anon
Looking for damn things to wallop;
These rampaging thugs
Smashed crock'ry and jugs,
With axes chopped furniture all up!
--- Anon
Asked the Mayor, what to do 'bout Sally?
"Sure looks like no use,
Can't stop a mad moose!
Get drinks at O'Malley's up the valley"!
--- Anon
Fulminated against all potation
With some alcohol in it;
She said, "It's a sin; it
Will make you want French osculation!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403
Took her axe, chopped up bars she would choose.
She would bash the barkeeps,
It gave patrons the creeps,
And she thought she had nothing to loose.
--- Dom P8706
Who never touched fermented grape.
She knew what she missed,
But when she was kissed,
It lowered the chances of rape.
--- Armand E Singer 88
Related to cheap distillation.
Using methods of Lotka,
He could make so much vodka,
It would scandalize Miss Carrie Nation.
--- Literary Group
He drank till his old ass was draggin'.
Now he convenes a cool meeting
That keeps us from cheating
And helps all of us stay on the wagon.
--- Bill S
With lost souls within milling about,
Each one of them lost.
They knew not the cost
Of lifting up rum to their mouth.
--- Matthew Montchalin
Of my Mom, if only I'd heard
What she tried to say,
I'd be home today.
These debts I would not have incurred.
--- Matthew Montchalin
A woman I met, she'd erased
My memory with drinking --
Oh what was I thinking --
Hard gambling she gave me a taste.
--- Matthew Montchalin
She works all day long sewing seams,
But my sweetheart drinks rum
Until she is done,
Down in a house in New Orleans.
--- Matthew Montchalin
So steeped in cheap rum like a sod,
I've got just my shoes,
I'm driven to booze,
You know just how deeply I'm flawed.
--- Matthew Montchalin
When I slake my thirst from a jar,
Brim full of applejack
And then hit the sack;
God knows how I've sunken so far.
--- Matthew Montchalin
It'll rot off your cock and your feeties;
You'll end up in "Detox,"
or -- worse yet -- in a box,
And I don't mean the kind labeled "Wheaties"!
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403
Who drank till it dripped off his chin.
He found, with his curse,
That drink made it worse,
So he decided to pack it all in.
--- Bill S
Is wonderful pleasure for some;
Excessively drinking
To swack myself stinking
Seems ever myopic and dumb.
--- R J Winkler P8403
With booze was really quite smitten.
She sipped by the hour,
But then found the power
And now helps others with quittin'.
--- Bill S
Whose peg-legs propelled him quite neat.
"Strong liquor," he said,
"Never goes to my head,
And I know it can't go to my feet."
--- Anon
If you have a full bottle, then hug it.
If you desire gin,
Then it is no sin.
And as for the temperance, Fuggit!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To save souls of drunkards had sought.
A drunk in the ditch
Said, "Help me, you bitch."
So she gave him a lick of her twat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0880
The villains met justice much quicker
Than if they'd refrained,
As heroes abstained,
From booze, unaddicted to liquor.
--- R J Winkler P8412
But I've solved the problem quite neaty.
I just signed the pledge,
Was right on the edge
Of having hair of the dog what bit me.
--- Archie
This is file qbm
Who turned out to be a real smarty.
He found he could choose
To knock off the booze,
And still be the life of the party.
--- Bill S
Loathed plonk and slygrog with their kin. (bootleg stuff)
Although the bloke snickered
At the sozzled and shickered, (drunken bums)
He was actually fond of one gin.
--- A N Wilkins P8611
Whose wife was a total abstainer.
He didn't complain,
Till she hid the champagne,
When he jolly well threatened to brain her.
--- Less Eminent Victor P0102
Come, let you and I goe and ramble:
Last night I was shot
Through the braines with a pot
And now my stomach doth wamble.
--- Roxburg Ballads 1640
I see thou lovest no shrinking.
And I, for my part
From thee will not start;
Come fill us a little more drink in.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But let's not harp of heavenly things.
I don't drink and screw;
That simply won't do;
Booze would weaken my sperm's innersprings.
--- Anon
Who drank like he owned a distillery,
But his wife soon corrected
His behavior dejected
When she sobered him up in a pillory.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8909
Carry Nation declared, "But I take
This joy as a boon
When I wreck a saloon.
I like hearing the bottles all break."
--- A N Wilkins P8403
Saw her fiance guzzling wine;
With her hands on her hips,
She admonished him: "Lips
That lick touchers will never lick mine!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403
A few pounds off my frame have come.
Hip Hip Hooray,
This could be the way
To decrease the size of my bum!
--- Anon
Who never walks straight down a path.
You would probably think
He had too much to drink,
But it's only a way that he hath.
--- Anon
Avoiding becoming a mess,
For nobody ought to
Get plastered or blotto
By swilling the stuff to excess.
--- R J Winkler P8403
So just don't put up a big stink.
I don't like alcohol,
Any or all.
I usually pour it down the sink.
--- Arden
You can swallow it till you turn blue.
If you get yourself plastered,
Like some stupid bastard,
No matter, 'cause I don't know you.
--- Arden
Of alcohol, I'll have no part.
They never offer
Me drinks from the coffer;
From my house they soberly depart.
--- Arden
Who often could turn up quite bitchy.
He got up his gumption
And stopped his consumption,
And now he's not nearly so twitchy.
--- Bill S
I've learned this, to my dismay.
Having sworn off the drink
All the better to think,
I realize I have nothing to say.
--- Anon
Lived out on the edge of society;
Her harsh words, we think,
Would make a man drink,
But they won her complete notoriety.
--- Mary Spiering
The booze left her feeling so bad.
But by a process of thinking,
She got rid of the drinking,
And now she is feeling quite rad.
--- Bill S
Last night he'd drunk many a flagon.
His wife's righteous ire
Was hotter than fire.
I think now he'll go on the wagon.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Quaffed wine by the bottle and flagon,
Saying, "Smell the bouquet,
It is so distingue,
How can I stay long on the wagon?"
--- Armand E Singer 429
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
He said, "When I'm muddled,
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many good screws."
--- L0051
I don't have a problem that's chronic.
Just one drink a day
To keep strokes at bay;
My alcohol intake's a tonic.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And said, "My, how the time seems to drag on.
Pellegrino and Perrier (two sparkling waters)
Don't make a man merrier.
Bring me Easter and bring me a flagon."
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
Who tended at night to be tipsy.
Said he, "My last steps
Aren't propelled by just Schweppes!"
This peppy old poop from Poughkeepsie.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Is sometimes both yucky and gory.
But she got off the weed
And now plants the seed,
So others can know the same glory.
--- Bill S
Who found quitting to be all uphill.
The he found the 3 S's,
And now he confesses
That he can stay clean with a will.
--- Bill S
That in water, bacteria snooze;
That the milk's full of germs
And diphtheria worms.
Thank goodness, there's safety in booze!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
You're doing yourselves so much harmy.
You should stick to the rule
Just to dribble and drool
And join the salivation army.
--- Tiddy Ogg
If you touch it, then all will you lose.
Water's the drink
That helps you to think,
And will not give you the blues."
--- Tiddy Ogg
One bite turns you into a bum.
Just imagine the sight
Of a man getting tight,
And his face all covered with crumbs.
--- Tiddy Ogg
One slice turns you into a beast.
Don't touch the crust,
For it's certain you must
Be damned after such evil feasts.
--- Tiddy Ogg
TO the offer to quaff a wee pint,
Remembering his Scripture:
"I won't have a nip, Sir,
And Satan, now get thee behindt!"
--- Anon
My drinking has just got to stop.
I've signed the pledge;
It's here on the ledge.
I'm now one of the "Salvation" crop.
--- Archie
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