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For a newbie your limericks are fine
For the Jokes group, but they draw the line
On explicit sex,
The R and the X,
In the ARTS group, which rarely sees mine.
--- John Miller

Myself I must reintroduce
While I drink my fermented grape juice.
I've been here before,
(Think April '04),
Fornicating with a dead moose.
--- Uncle Beer

Made friends with Tiddy, I did,
When I wrote about love with a squid,
But vanished soon after;
Missed out on the laughter,
And wished I'd remained here amid...
--- Uncle Beer

Those folks whose game is the rhyme
And verses all set in strict time.
But I'm back now to stay,
I'm happy to say,
To deprive you of me'd be a crime.
--- Uncle Beer

For my humor with you fits right in;
Lewdness and filth are my zen.
My limericks will be
As low and filthy
As anal sex in a pig pen.
--- Uncle Beer

Your link's just a copy, my man,
Of jokes that on Usenet began,
And I have to be candid,
When I mention you've handed
Us limericks lacking in scan.
--- Hugh Clary

Where's Pete? Where has he gone?
Stolen without a gun?
Did he let out a whelp?
Does he need any help?
Has the search for the poor guy begun?
--- Nik Synytskyy

Pete's working, not playing with mice;
Ansell is the firm, it is nice --
He is off a-testing
(And with lots of nesting)
Their new contraceptive device.
--- Archie

Hello folks all, it's long time no see;
For the work has been up to my knee.
To the boys: Well, I'm back,
Hope you haven't grown slack.
Happy B-day to Pet and Marteee.
--- Anon

Anyway, now the term has begun
I'm am eager to study and run
To the lectures each day
Where I'm not shy to say,
The lookout for cute lads is fun.
--- Anon

Once, this place was full of females;
Some small and some as big as whales.
Perhaps they got bored,
And struck a new chord,
Elsewhere...let's just check the details.
--- Carol

But look, what relief, now you're back,
To pick up the AJL lack,
Of girls, now I'm sure,
Between us we'll lure,
Someone for a nice tasty snack.
--- Carol

To come back to the group AJL,
Where I know well just the type of hell
That is raised in this place,
Full of style, flair and grace,
And in truth, where I'm used to the smell.
--- Jeanie

Now Rita, may I say quite smugly,
I knew your response would be ugly.
Sweet words ain't your nature
And I'll bet you hate your
Own mother, who neither was snugly.

(feminist Rita left AJL pissed about sexists rapers etc)
--- Observer

And Rita, I think it's my duty
To tell you that you're being snooty.
You're obdurately being rude;
Take your bad attitude,
And shove it right up your patootie.
--- Observer

Hey Rita, is that you there, lurking,
To see if we're busily working
At writing our lims,
'Bout bat prose and quims?
Please rest assured, dear, we're not shirking.
--- Travis Brasell

You've been a great audience! Wow!
Though lately I guess I'll allow
I've left somme of you sore
For I've tried hard to gore
Almost everyone's own sacred cow.
--- John Miller 0365

And I guess in a way I've been mean,
In this place where we love the obscene.
I have for a while
Used a cynical style
And kkekkpt all my shit squeaky clean.
--- John Miller 0365

A lack of good verse I bemoan
And my first visits here made me groan.
But I learned in software,
Don't tear out your hair
When yo can't get good stuff, write your own.
--- John Miller 0365

This newsgroup once seem in a jamb;
Few newbies showed up worth a damn.
And postings were sparse
So I got off my arse
To try to help drown out the spam.
--- John Miller 0365

Now there's plenty of people in here
Spreading limericks and filth and good cheer.
(Although lately it's chat
That's most where it's at)
Aand all spammers have left out of fear.
--- John Miller 0365

For a year now I've posted these verses;
I've been praised and received a few curses.
And managed to hack it
Despite the straight jacket
And attendants and doctors and nurses.
--- John Miller 0365

Last night around half past eleven
(Remember we started at seven)
I fondled and stroked you;
Completely de-coked you
And sent you, my darling, to heaven.
--- PeterW

You moaned and you groaned and you sighed,
As I took you and sat you astride.
We rocked to and fro
In a rhythmical mo-
tions; a grippingly slippery ride.
--- PeterW

We started to shake and perspire
As we climbed ever higher and higher;
Then you screamed out in lust
At my ultimate thrust,
As we came to the peak of desire.
--- PeterW

With your petals enfolding my spear
In a grip so exciting, my dear,
That you left me defenceless
And knocked me quite senseless
With lust. I'm addicted, I fear.
--- PeterW

"Dear Petal, I've booked us a day
Trip to Ireland, the county of May-
o, with Aer (cunni) Lingus;
I chose them to bring us,
Returning the Derry Air way.
--- PeterW

"Forget all about the last flight,
Though I realize it caused you a fright.
I'll hold on to your hand
(Or your mammary gland)
During take-off and landing, all right?
--- PeterW

"Now the pilot's professional, dear,
And you really have nothing to fear;
I've checked all the wings,
Navigational things,
All the engines and similar gear.
--- PeterW

"There's nothing that isn't OK.
But we're taking off later today;
So get dressed if you please
In your panties and skis;
Hurry up for we cannot delay.
--- PeterW

"Well alright, if you must, I suppose
You can spend half-an-hour with my hose,
Gently stroking me...well,
I'm beginning to swell
At the sight of your petals of rose...
--- PeterW

"Resistance is futile; my spear
Is as hard as a...Stop!...Can you hear?
It's my manservant, Bob,
Who has done a good job,
For he's packed all our suitcases, dear.
--- PeterW

"Your limousine's waiting outside,
Sir." "Oh thanks, but I'm having the ride
Of my life, so piss off
And stop watching us boff."
Oh he's gone. Will you guide me inside?
--- PeterW

This is file pvl

"I promise he won't interrupt
Us. Oh God, What a sexy volupt-
uous woman you are,
When caressing my spar.
But I fear I'm about to erupt!
--- PeterW

"So before we go further with this,
(Yes I know, it's such heavenly bliss)
Shall we try and calm down
For a trip out of town
To the airport, or give it a miss?
--- PeterW

They'd been married a very long time.
She thought everything was just fine --
But she got surprised
When she realized
He had alt-dot-sex on-line...
--- Kaylin

For one day, she found some pics
Of naked and young cyber-chicks.
He got into the groove,
Which just goes to prove
You can teach an old dog new tricks.
--- Kaylin

Now he really enjoys cyber-sex;
His wife is the one he rejects.
All night long he struts,
With his cyber-sluts,
So he's going to be her cyber-ex...
--- Kaylin

But she won't spend time reminiscing,
Or spend her life booing and hissing --
She'll find a cyber-lover
So she can discover
All the cyber-joy she's been missing!
--- Kaylin

But she can't say she wishes him well;
Sometimes she still wants to yell.
She hopes, without compunctions,
His equipment malfunctions,
And he goes straight to cyber-hell!
--- Kaylin

We have schizophrened in three ways.
To keep all these up would take days.
I picked one with wine,
We'll have a good time,
And with some more words we will play!
--- Archie

I see that's quite a mouthful for you,
Tallywacker that is built for two!
Of course I am proud
When it I unshroud -
Why is it that fainting are you?
--- Archie

Your size does not make me tremble;
This taco ain't no little thimble.
So bring it on dear;
It's words that I fear;
So hush and lets get to the dindle.
--- Kiss Karen

I'm sure you had another for "Dindle"
(I've got me a very good spindle.
It quickly rotates
And totally sates
The passion the sight of it kindles!)
--- Archie

My rams with precise sounding speech
Have taught all they're going to teach.
'Cause they're not the best,
They need a big rest;
Their pages are starting to bleach!
--- Archie

Thistles are common and thorny;
Stickers and corn make sows horny.
A dindle's a tingle;
There isn't a single
Taco that's not a bit corny.
--- Archie

Oh help me up out of this pit
Of clever pleonastic wit.
I've really had fun
But Archie has won,
So now I will bow out of it
--- Kiss Karen

In this case bad has been good
And in the next months if you should
Get big enough
To do Santa stuff,
In line for your lap I'll have stood.

kiss
--- Kiss Karen

I've watched you two from afar,
And find it so very bizarre
That Arch steals the girls,
While others toss pearls.
Is he a famous rock star?
--- Tutta

KissKaren. your back is so sore,
Now bent with your weight and some more!
Told once by a mage,
Some skilled effleurage
Will ease all the pain and lots more!
--- Archie

Oh, Archie if only I could
Put on some weight then I would
Though I ate all those birds
And I'm too full for words,
I'll eat more dessert as I should!
--- Kiss Karen

But here you go stirrin' the pot;
I wish I was fat but I'm not.
I drink too much coffee;
The weight falls right off me.
More coffee please, iced or hot.
--- Kiss Karen

But effleurage sounds rather fine;
I'll stroke yours while you stroke mine.
My stuffed little tummy
Thinks it's all yummy
Now this is the right way to dine.
--- Kiss Karen

May I have a word with you, Liz?
I just have a short "Archie" quiz.
You say that his whip
Is not worth the trip?
All he uses it for is to whiz?
--- Ericka

That it's shrivelled and fading away?
It gets smaller and smaller each day?
When you go to bed,
He forgets how to head?
And you can't get an instant replay?
--- Ericka

Oh Liz, you poor starving girl --
What you need is a sexual whirl --
A ten menute trick
With H's big stick,
Will put your skirt in a twirl!
--- Ericka

Of all of the men who here ply
Their wares at all girls passing by,
My hero is Frank.
He'd get a lip-wank;
For him I'd take out my glass eye.
--- Aunt Mabel

Although he hangs clipped, I don't care;
He can slip in what's left anywhere.
My hairy pink-mary
Will be his love fairy;
Its spells will dispel his despair.
--- Aunt Mabel

My dear, your eyes have that twinkle,
With those cute laugh lines which crinkle
Whenever you giggle.
Now, plese don't wriggle...
Have I got my thing in a wrinkle?
--- Frank Fazed

Jayne, here is a ticket to Perth;
You'll come all the way 'round the Earth.
I've booked us a table,
So if you're able,
On Friday we'll eat and then surf.
--- Archie

But I know yur skin is so fair,
With a dusting of freckles just there,
This Perth sun could just
Burn you, so you must
Use the suncream I spread on bare...
--- Archie

Skin exposed by your tiger skin
Bikini that you will be in.
Oh, that strap has broken,
Now lets see what's woken
Down in my leopard-skin G-string.
--- Archie

Can you make that a ticket for two?
The Perth sun I think would just do
Me fine. (And I'm sure
My cup-size is more!)
As long as it not burn my tattoo!
--- Jayne

I'll cover you with some sun-cream,
From your head to -- I have just seen
Your 42C's
Swinging in the breeze! --
And I'll cram your tattoo and dream.
--- Archie

A creature of high cyber-space
With ugliness and perverse taste,
It always waits on-line
For us mortals to dine;
Butt ugly, it must hide its face.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I see that you're still stuck in France,
Instead of here, inside my pants.
And you won't get here,
Till sometime next year,
Charging only just ten cents a dance.
--- Carol

I'm not stuck in France, as you say.
It's just that I've mixed work with play.
I've made plenty pay
And enjoyed old Marseille,
But soon I shall be on my way.
--- Jon Gearhart


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