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I'd say you have very nice tits, Big Sue left that car in a dash, When a symmetry-lover named Clyde Said a topless old woman (a whore) I am, as they say, all agasp. Here comes a young lady named Frances There once was a girl from Cornell, A matron who favored abstention, A dancer, retired from the boards, The boy loved to romp and to rollick, Larry drank beer by the flagon; A fellow named Chet was a jammer, Uncle Willoughby used to go puce, "My d.t.'s," said a regular wino, An ex-donkey driver from Durban, There was an old woman from Trimble Once a drunken old cowboy from Tempe An ASSIDUOUS sailor named Krieg "I've been in some terrible scrapes," AA has sayings that are terse. There appears to be quite a big schism CONFABULATION, mental ruse, There was a young lady, Miss White, Alcoholization DIPSOMANIA, need for a vat, Alcoholic D.A., Alfred Meek, A boozer who lived in Dundee, Alcoholics are full of denial, There was a young fellow named Schink AA is a wonderful group; An ugly old witch of Back Bay An old gentleman up in Frink A drunkard, his own life defaced, It's true that some men are just stinkers, This man who very morose is There was an old tippler named Taylor, "When I'm cold and my body's stone dead, A woman named Rosemary Lynn Cousin Donald likes New Year's Day, Said an old alcoholic named Sue, If one is a true alcoholic There once was a golden Apollo, At AA they often applaud When Herbert attended AA, (alcoholics anonymous) A swig of the sauce when I'm cold, An alcoholic, paying his dues, It probably isn't that wise A lady from York, Pennsylvania, He aped Mary Pickford and Doug, An old tramp lurches in one hot day, This mean barkeep's about to explode! "I am dying of thirst, but I'm poor," With lips glued to that bowl, his throat pumps. Then the barkeep caves in with a frown; Gladly taking the free beer to follow, Maybe you should stop now and think A fellow who lives in Old Station He poured all his booze down the sink, A cynic was once set to task, When your drinking gets really outrageous, There once was a young man from Wright There was an old man with a face There was an old drunk called Hieronymus, An alky-logged boozer named Fish, A thirsty old bum in Rangoon AA is a group that's anonymous, The topers of merry Dunleer,
They certainly are not the pits.
I'm gauging the size
Just using my eyes,
To see if they'll fit in my mitts.
--- Anon
"Aw, shit! what a fine waste of cash!"
Said she as she ran
To find a large can
Then threw her left tit in the trash.
--- Anon
Spied a list to the left of his bride,
He cried, "Fie on that tit!"...
And she had to admit
It was truly a tit to be fied.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8405 a
Who was stopped at a church's front door,
"I tell you I'll fight,
It's my divine right,
Though my left's not so good anymore."
--- Tom Patton P0001
I ruined my Maidenform's clasp.
Now going cold turkey,
My one side is perky.
The other is out of my grasp.
--- Donna Lee Dom
Whose bosoms attract many glances;
The breast on her left
Has such fabulous heft,
That she veers off to port when she dances.
--- Norm Storer A
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
When you touched them they shrunk,
Except when she was drunk.
And then they got bigger than hell.
--- 2nd Book Stag Humor L0145
Had breasts of unequal dimension.
When woo'd by her hubby,
She withheld the large bubby,
Thus causing domestic dissension.
--- Anon
Has bosoms resembling gourds;
While one of them dangles
Almost at right angles,
The other's won several awards.
--- Norm Storer
The youth loved a party or frolic.
The roll of the rabbit
In time became habit --
The man is a cute alcoholic.
--- Laurence Perrine P8403
He drank till his old ass was draggin'.
Now he convenes a cool meeting
That keeps us from cheating,
And helps us to stay on the wagon.
--- Bill S
But booze got him into the slammer.
He stayed off the pruno
And changed his old tune-o;
And helps us stay cool with his hammer.
--- Bill S
If he strayed far from pineapple juice.
He was really quite naughty
To Auntie; his forte
Was pure alcoholic abuse.
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
"Have always been plagued by this rhino,
But since I confine
Myself to white wine,
He's changed himself to an albino."
--- A N Wilkins P8403a
Led to drink by the mores suburban,
Saw his asses give way
To pink elephants. They,
He explained, were his new beasts of bourbon.
--- A N Wilkins P8403
Who measured her gin with a thimble,
For if she got high
She would yell, "Let me die!"
And bang on her head with a cymbal.
--- Limber Limericks
Preferred drinking to gals in their skimpies.
There is much less stress;
You don't have to get dressed
In the morning to take out the empties.
--- Anon
Said, "At drinking, no one's in my league.
But though I'm the best,
I sure need a rest;
I suffer from 'bottle fatigue'.
--- Observer
Said Krieg, "with my head in bad shapes.
But nothing compares
With the depths of despairs
That I got from severe wrath of grapes.
--- Hugh Clary
I'm compelled to put one to verse;
This one I'll relate:
"There's no problem so great,
That alcohol can't make it worse."
--- Bob Phillips
In the treatment of alcoholism.
"Cold turkey!" say some,
And rehab's the hum.
"Let's get started; my eyesight's a prism."
--- Speedy Snail
Which poor alcoholics oft choose,
When brain is all mush,
Then quickly they rush
To get one more belt of their booze.
--- Chris Papa
Who in drinking, took excess delight.
When they told her she shouldn't,
She said, "Stop! I couldn't --
I only feel right when I'm tight!"
--- Anon
Is total enervation
Resulting from
The demon rum
Or stealthier libation.
--- Lims Unlimited
Or enough till you pass out flat,
Who would have thunk,
It's a nice word for "drunk",
It's clever, and I'll drink to that!
--- Chris Papa
Had a staggering career, never bleak.
He obtained great relief
From a completed brief,
And could finish a case in a week.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
Decided to go on a spree.
He visited pubs,
Where he drank out of tubs,
Until it was time for his tea.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Despite that, they're dying the while,
Of organ necrosis,
Like liver cirrhosis;
They'll continue their drinking with guile.
--- Bob Phillips
Who said, "I am thirsty, I think."
So his wife got the car
And they drove to a bar;
Now they say that she drove him to drink.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2782
They'll talk you right into a loop,
Of things inconoclastic
And alcoholastic,
And deposit you dry with a whoop!
--- Bob Phillips
Who never drank liquor, they say,
Except when alone
Or with some other crone,
Or on week-days that ended in "ay."
--- Lims Unlimited
Decided that he couldn't drink,
But it was just the same
When blue lizards came,
And all the elephants were pink.
--- Lims Unlimited
May yet entice others to taste,
And thus make his life
For his friends and his wife
A staggering hazardous waste!
--- Laurence Perrine P8403
This is file prm
But why pick on us heavy drinkers?
We do make a mess
But I must confess,
That next time I'll fit you with blinkers
--- Anon
Because of his strong halitosis,
Would get rid of his stink,
If he'd give up his drink.
It would also improve his cirrhosis.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who lived in incredible squalor;
The stench of dried vomit
Would stop Halley's comet,
And faces turned paler and paler.
--- Armand Singer
Give my kidneys to science," he said.
But the guy is a drunk
And I'm here to debunk;
His old kidneys are like gingerbread.
--- Al Willis
Had grown freakishly pallid and thin;
Then she sold herself whole
For a terrible toll,
And she perished, on vodka and gin.
--- Cap'n Bean P0407
Except he calls it Hogmanay.
Blind drunk for a week,
Is his social peak;
Tries the next fifty one the same way.
--- Tony Burrell
When she dropped her glass eye in her brew,
"Imagined, my ass!
I am certain my glass
Whispered, 'Hey kid, here's looking at you.' "
--- Cyber Geezer
And problems arise metabolic,
Simply pay no attention;
In prayers simply mention
"I'm just being more Apostolic."
--- Theo M Heller P9308
Whose leg was thought to be hollow.
Though he said with a wink,
"I can down any drink,"
It was more than most others could swallow.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
When you say you're a drunk and a fraud;
My wife didn't cheer,
On that I'm quite clear,
Though the rest is a bit muddled and flawed.
--- Bob Phillips
He passed when the turn came his way.
He said, "I talk fine
When I'm drinking my wine,
But sober, I've nothing to say."
--- Nancy Ashbaugh P0105
Will warm me all over, I'm told.
The more I drink any
The more I want many,
Decreasing my chance to get old.
--- R J Winkler P8403
Sat trembling, on a very short fuse.
His house was darkened.
No goblins harkened.
His nightmare... a night with no boo's.
--- Clara Blue
To overly alcoholize
Your afternoon drink:
Whenever you blink,
Your boss will see alcohol eyes.
--- Rory Ewins Q
Was treated for mild dipsomania.
She screwed her physicians
In eight new positions.
Prognosis is now nymphomania.
--- David Miller
He traded his hat for a plug,
But his monacled eye
Wasn't any too dry,
When she cut him loose from his jug.
--- Levi N Fouts P0509
To the stingy old barkeep, does say:
"Please, a beer I do seek,
On the cuff 'til next week,
'Cause right now I'm unable to pay!
--- Allen Wolverton
Says "I cannot support a dead load:
If I sell on the cuff,
Bill collecting gets tough;
You old bindlestiff, hit the damn road!"
--- Allen Wolverton
Says the tramp as he sinks to the floor;
"I'm dehydrated, man;
I must do what I can,"
As he's hoisting the brass cuspidor.
--- Allen Wolverton
Full of phlegm and tobacco-ish lumps.
Barkeep says, "Man, Great Scott!
You can't guzzle that rot!"
All the tramps says is "guggle guggle gumphs!"
--- Allen Wolverton
"Take this freebie, the best brew in town!"
But the mucus and pulps,
He still gurgles and gulps,
Till at last, the spittoon he puts down.
--- Allen Wolverton
The old tramp in the sawdust does wallow.
Barkeep says: "Why the fug
Did you continue to chug?"
"Couldn't stop; it was all in one swallow!"
--- Allen Wolverton
Before taking the very next drink.
If your mind is blanked
When you get tanked,
You may just be over the brink.
--- Arden
Was quite fond of his daily libation.
'Til he saw a pink mouse
Running 'round in his house,
And decided his liquor to ration.
--- Virginia Bennett
And vowed nevermore would he drink.
But he got depressed
That he finally digressed
And now lives with a bright purple mink.
--- Virginia Bennett
'Bout interring a pal, but did ask:
"Why bother to bury?
I can make him more merry,
By pouring him back in the flask."
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8511
Join AA to make you courageous.
Tell your friends, if you please:
"It's a chronic disease,
But one that is rarely contagious."
--- Bob Phillips
Who was drinking for half of the night.
And later he stood
As best as he could,
And then they say he saw the light.
--- Limber Limericks
That bore every possible trace
Of smoking and lottery,
Drinking and pottery;
He looked like a serious case.
--- IOPE
Who joined Alcoholics Anonymous.
But with liver disease,
The shakes and D.T.'s,
The prognostication is ominous.
--- Ron Rubin
At one time a really cute dish,
Now drank so damned much,
Like Scotch, gin, and such,
When walking, her titties went squish.
--- Armand Singer
Went into a scummy saloon.
There he begged for a beer,
But they turned a deaf ear,
So he drank from the slimy spittoon.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2921
But hope is a word that's synonymous.
It offers recovery
And inner discovery,
And still you stay quite autonomous.
--- Bob Phillips
See more than pink rats, people fear.
Green rabbits, blue bats,
And six-legged cats,
Leap out of their Guiness and beer.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
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