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Facts are facts, and it's perfectly clear, An old German wine buff called Hans, If you like the way lagers have gotten, The color of urine, it's true, There once was a man with a beer There was a young man from Fort Hall, There was a young girl from LaPeer, A story I heard, if you must know, The ferry for Ireland steamed out, On barstools we sit leg to leg, In a pub south of London, a tart There are transplants from parts of the state, It's too long since someone gave head I am quite the opposite with beer. It's Friday night -- time to have fun; In my fridge I have nothing to fear, If beer 's kept too long it get skunky I'm feeling low, may shed a tear; (Of course a beer can be happy My fridge is so poorly supplied (I wonder if those warnings are true: Since the warnings are often repeated, A young lady I knew, a Miss Clegg They've discovered a hormone in beer; Drinking is never a sin A barmaid with gigantic teats It's ruined my spelling," said he, Beer is my only sustainer; There once was a waiter named Rick, While knee-crawling drunk, Uncle Lear There once was a man with a beer, Drunk and horny, he stumbled to bed, Oh you, with the fine muscley pecs, There was an Old Man of Columbia, For heavy beer drinkers, AA. There once was a young man from Staines, Let us all give a loud, rousing cheer On the beach, where the beer wagon sits, Beer will reduce inhibitions, A beer-drinking man of Lapeer A tourist, athirst in Izmir, A teddy with sticky-out ears There once was a girl with a beer The Pittsburgh Pirates the last few years, Through the ages, beer's been a true source This is praise on the strong side of beer; I can hear you say, "You'll get drunk. "Beer is harmful to health", you may claim; "But drunk driving," I hear you exclaim. Simple beer, peoples' lives cannot maim. I find I'm oft branded as queer; The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere As we've now gone all pan-Scandinavian, Please do not apologize, my dear, We are in the world, the third But in streets of Copenhagen and Elsinore "The City of Raleigh", it read, There once was a boy in the Berkshires, An old man named Phineas Potter To a dwarf, said his doctor, "It's clear An English professor named Phipps They say that if you drink beer Of course, it's not the truth This theory is so diabolic, A lascivious gentleman, Martin, There was an old fellow of Shere, I have smelt an old pussy sore,
Guys are guys, and unless a bit queer,
It's the sad sorry truth
Most are lacking in couth--
All they think of is broads, boobs, and beer.
--- Ann Gasser P9506a
To buy drink would make such great plans.
He'd go to Paris
For a glass of Chablis,
But he'd still buy his beer in Cannes.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Thank the Sedlmayer boys of old Spaten.
They said, "It sure helps
To have caves in the Alps,
To keep the beer cool and not rotten."
--- Hammer
Is that of my favorite brew;
So when I'm blotto
I slur my old motto:
"Check smell and check taste, not just hue!"
--- Mark Levy P9506
Who said "it is just as I fear
Two owls and a hen
Four larks and a wren
Have drunk it. And that's bloody queer.
--- Wobbley
Who thought he was Sampson or Saul.
These thoughts so obscure,
Were due to the brewer,
And not to his ego at all.
--- A G Prys-Jones
Whose house was a place of great cheer.
As they all did remember
The best time was September,
For that was when they drank the beer.
--- Albin Chaplin
The tale of a drunkard they called Joe.
He drowned in a vat
Of cold beer. Fancy that!
Alas, it was such a sweet sorrow!
--- John Dohner P8809
But it crashed on the island of Grout.
The survivors, though, flourished
Because they were nourished
By duty-free chocolate and stout.
--- Anon
Determined to drink the whole keg.
My buddies and I
All see eye to eye,
With each beer, we eat a boiled egg.
--- Archie
Told a Yank at the bar, "'ave a 'art.
Buy me champagne, dovey,
And I get warm and lovey.
If you buy me beer, I just fart."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8901
Who've moved here, and think that it's great.
To avoid the rat race,
And adopt the slow pace,
So a burger and beer's a fine date.
--- Anon
And too long now, alone in my bed.
Though it's no piece of ass,
The foam in my glass
Is the head that I'll have instead...
--- Anon
If any nice hunk dares come near,
My libido arouses,
My hands down his trousers.
They say "Would you like another one, dear?"
--- Anon
The work-week is over and done.
Time to go on the prowl;
Let your hair down, and howl --
I'm having a beer -- who wants one?
--- Anon
Even if it remains there a year.
Who cares if it's old?
There's never a mould
'Cause it's filled with nothing but beer!
--- Anon
And takes on a taste rather funky.
To prevent such waste,
I'll get there with haste,
I might even risk getting drunky.
--- Anon
The bottle's near empty I fear.
I down the last swallow
The bottle's now hollow...
What I need is a happy new beer.
--- Anon
Or sad, glad, giddy, or crappy.
When it's still at the top
Right after you pop
The cap, the beer feels quite snappy)
--- Anon
There's not a new beer left inside.
In my cupboard, behold
'Tis a bottle of gold
Whiskey, to warm me inside!
--- Anon
"Whiskey first, then follow with brew.
Down beer before liquor,
You'll never get sicker"
Oh no, now what can I do...)
--- Anon
From the whiskey I have retreated.
But my wish for you all
Is that you have a ball,
And with a Happy New Beer you are greeted!
--- Anon
Dived in, head first, into a keg.
Walking past, in alarm,
I said "Miss, give me your arm."
She sputtered, "That's not an arm, it's a leg."
--- Arthur Pattaffy
It's estrogen from what I hear.
After drinking a few,
Men speak utter bull too,
And can't drive very well or think clear!
--- Friar TP9802a
As long as the fluid flows in.
A beer and a shot
Make the body real hot,
And a turbulent feeling within!
--- Anon
Had nipples like football shoe cleats.
She bent over my jug
And plugged up my mug!
But Christ! How the beer tasted sweet!
--- California Marty
"This full case of beer that you see,
Though with all I agree
It begins with a b,
For me it concludes with a pee."
--- Lance Payne P8403a
We exist on a level coplanar.
Whenever I drink,
I don't have to think.
Our motto is "Life's a no-brainer!"
--- Stiffy Joe
Who opened a beer for a chick.
While pouring, she said
"I like lots of head,"
So he promptly whipped out his big dick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Found the pisspot instead of the beer.
"The appearance and smell
Were so close, who could tell,"
He declared, "But the taste's nothing near!"
--- Vassar W Smith P9506
Who said "It is just as I fear.
I have wobbled and wubbled
And now I have doubled
The size of the froth that is here."
--- Michelle
To have sex with the girl he had wed.
That thought did not linger;
She gave him the finger,
Sneering, "Back to your beer for some head!"
--- Goin2later
Do you still drink the feisty XX.
When I drink that beer,
I come all over queer,
Then my thoughts just return back to sex.
--- Jayne
This is file ppm
Who was thirsty, and call out for some beer;
They brought him a flagon,
'Cause his ass was draggin'.
You'll know why when his wife comes in here.
--- Edwardian Leer 016
For dirty verse writers, LA.
In Limerick Anon
You're Christian reborn
And gone is the mental DK.
--- Irving Superior P9506
Who fiddled with hops and with grains.
He said, "Be of good cheer,
I've invented beer!"
I've now pissed away all my brains.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For our father's affection for Beer;
We are grateful because
If not for its buzz,
A lot of us would not be here.
--- Ann Gasser P9506a
It is written, 'The Council permits
Taking beer to the strand
While you ladies get tanned,
But take care there's no sand in your Schlitz.'
--- Anon
And you'll try some exotic positions.
But if you're alone,
And you get you a bone,
Beware of nocturnal emissions.
--- Anon
To water would never come near.
He claimed men at great cost
In the water were lost,
But no man ever foundered in beer.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9408
Attempted to purchase a beer.
The waiter said, "Sorry,
Now hear the sad story:
No drinking or alcohol here!"
--- R J Winkler P8407
At the picnic had too many beers.
He got drunk as a wretch,
And his seams got so stretched,
He was ostracized by his peers.
--- Tim Tudd
Who said "My God, why am I here?"
So she poured some wine,
Which went down quite fine;
Albeit a little austere.
--- Anon
Have challenged the Tampa Buccaneers,
(Not footballs or base...)
A down-the-hatch race
To see who'll Yo-ho-hold the most beers.
--- Irving Superior P8804
Of pleasure for many. Of course
I'm unlike those others,
If I had my druthers,
I'd pour it back into the horse.
--- Ann Gasser P9506a
Its virtues to me are quite clear.
In blistering heat,
It provides a retreat.
So why don't you like beer, my dear?
--- Nik Synytskyy
After beer, you stink like a skunk."
But I'll tell you what:
"Don't drink by the pot!
And you won't have to puke on the bunk."
--- Nik Synytskyy
Not on beer, but yourself, place the blame.
If you drink too much,
All the other drinks such
As pure water, will make you feel lame.
--- Nik Synytskyy
Once again, you're misplacing the blame.
If not beer or pot,
Then the car is at fault.
Come on people, please use your brain.
--- Nik Synytskyy
People do it themselves. Stupid! Shame!
So behold, friends and foes,
This great moral follows:
Drink beer and screw chicks. They're fair game!
--- Nik Synytskyy
Is that the same meaning as here?
That I'm a stranger some say,
Or do you think that I'm gay,
Because I prefer women to beer.
--- Anon
Was basically a search for beer.
The Delaware?
Though George will swear...
...With Jersey dry...and needing cheer...
--- Irving Superior P9506
We'll have one about Copenhagen,
Where all of those Danes
Get pissed out of their brains,
'Cause beer drinking is quite a contagion.
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Cause it's true that everyone here
Is quite into the brews;
Muslims, Christians, Jews;
Everybody drinks 120 liters a year.
--- Martin V Jensen
In the giant beer drinking herd.
Only Germans and Czecks
Drink from bigger Kegs
And we like neither shaken nor stirred.
--- Martin V Jensen
It's not Danes you see drinking hardcore.
Most of the drunks
Are dumb Swedish punks,
They can't buy it at home -- that's a bore.
--- Martin V Jensen
"To honor Sir Walter, instead
Of regular beer
This one day a year,
The beer must be served with no head."
--- Irving Superior P8403a
Who would stitch after having some beers.
He'd get quite stewed,
So his stitches were skewed,
"Oh well, let's have another...Cheers!"
--- K Werpetinski
Drank beer when the weather got hotter.
But if offered Yank brew,
He'd shout "Sex in a canoe!"
Meaning Yank beer was fucking close to water.
--- Paul South African
That your ailment is fatal, I fear."
"Well," the dwarf said, "I think
That I'll buy one last drink
For my friends, and for me a short bier."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9409A
Drank his beer in effeminate sips.
Now his students contend
He's begun a new trend:
Blending sips with erudite quips.
--- P8309
Weak brain cells will disappear.
And the longer you drink it,
(It's hard though to think it)
A wise guy just might appear!
--- Anon
Just because of some crazy youth.
'Cause If beer makes you clever,
Then I wonder whatever
Happens when you drink Vermouth?
--- Anon
But it makes me laugh and frolic.
'Cause the more beer you drink --
And I give a large wink --
Then God must be an ALCOHOLIC!
--- Anon
After a fuck would swiftly be parting.
Did anyone here
See him piss in my beer? --
My membrum virile is smarting.
--- G1936
Who was standing a little too near,
When his tiresome daughter
Who wouldn't drink water
Was opening a bottle of beer.
--- Less Eminent Victorian
And the cunt of a poxy street whore.
But the worst smell of all,
Which makes my tum crawl,
Is beer spilt the evening before.
--- Anon
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