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I met Candy, Sandy and Mandy,
Triplets with a liking for brandy.
I know who was who,
It was not hard to do,
One was tall, one was small, one was bandy.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There was an Old Person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
While fondling a tender young boy.
--- Edwardian Leer 007

Here's brandy! Come fill up your tumbler,
Or ale if your liking be humbler,
And while you've a shilling
Keep filling and swilling,
A fig for the growls of the grumbler.
--- Linda Marsh Coll

"Although when he was young," remarked Andy,
"He was, I suppose, quite a dandy.
Now he's taken to drink
And has started, I think,
Raising St. Bernards just for the brandy."
--- Leonore P8307

The medicinal power of brandy
Is guaranteed; so keep some handy.
Its wondrous effct
Kept Churchill erect,
But at the same time, did naught for Gandhi.
--- Bill Wall

With Mabel, I'll cruise down the Rhine.
Now, she knows I'm a Master of Wine.
I shall glance at the label,
Take a sip and cry, "Mabel,
If you ask me, this brandy is Hine." (cognac)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims

Bizarrely, the Boozer's Bazaar
Sells its fortified port by the jar
And its brandy in buckets...
It's bloody good luck, it's
Just seventeen minutes by car.
--- Rory Ewins

Keep on hand an aged brandy,
'Cause it will make some girls randy.
And if you're sad or blue,
Brandy's good for you;
So always have some brandy handy.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A broken-down actor named Andy
Had a weakness for apricot brandy,
And when he got tight
He was Dante one night,
And the following night he was Gandhi.
--- Limber Limericks

Although liquor is quicker than candy,
The expense of a bottle of brandy
Is undoubtedly more
Than is needed to score --
So if candy is handy, it's dandy!
--- Philo Logue P8403a

Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,
Really thought that Napoleon was dandy.
But Josephine, the Empress,
Yelled, "Police, arrest the temptress!
She's no license to make Napoleon B. randy!"
--- H Myers T9712

Andrew Jackson, whose nickname was Andy,
Would need a lift, his choice was brandy.
When asked by the press,
Said his wife blandly, "Yes,
Brandy Andy is randy and dandy."
--- Irving Superior P9710

A careless old hooker from Frisco,
Got turpentine mixed in her pisco,
And scalded with steam
A muff-divers dream,
Because he refused to let puss go.

(pisco - South American brandy)
--- L1165

This picture's of me and the chaps;
Those are frauleins we've got on our laps.
I know what you're thinking --
Quite right; we'd been drinking.
We call this our holiday Schnapps. (apple brandy)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims

A prolific old woman from Sandy
Got a carload of Mother's Day candy;
By the end of July
Three boxes were dry,
And she soaked them in apricot brandy.
--- Lims Unlimited

There once was a woman named Sandy,
Who tempted her men with peach brandy.
If their screwing was nice,
She'd reward them with spice;
If they ate her she'd pay them with candy.
--- Bob Birch P0107

Too much 'speed' in the world resulteth
In our planet being in such a meth.
As in biblical scenes,
Those amphetamines,
Have seen people being stoned to death.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe

A sleepy programmer named Jean
Chose to end his long fast from caffeine.
He sipped sugared coffee
And screamed and took off. He
Has not since been heard from or seen.
--- Anon

I'm back in the land of the free;
Those feds are now ridden of me.
And I'm selling my stash
Of Guinea Gold hash;
It's criminal giving it free.
--- Anon

I will not forget my main function
Of handing out some extreme unction.
You'll find me down town,
Just hangin' aroun',
At Main Street and River Road junction.
--- Anon

So whether you want to relax
By smoking some more of my flax,
Or by resting your soul,
Or just taking a stroll -
And most of the cops turn their backs.
--- Anon

And soon I'll be going away,
I'll be off to Spain Saturday,
But not for my job,
I'll be near that mob,
In Pamplona on a holiday.
--- Anon

The running from bulls might be fun
In Pamplona, but I'm not one,
Of those loco fools;
I'll be testing bar stools,
Or tanning myself in the sun.
--- Anon

If you've drugs in abundance to sell,
And your transactions all start to gel,
And your buyers pay cash,
And you unload your stash,
That's what happens when drug deals go well.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0211

In Holland they'll gladly submit
To the end of the world with a hit
Of their favorite dope,
And get high on the hope
That in Hell there's unlimited shit.
--- Peter Wilkins

"Hey Sarge," asked the tenderfoot nark,
"Just why is this called 'Needle Park'?"
"See the needles on these
Lovely evergreen trees?
There's three junkies per needle, come dark!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8501

I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple expresso,
I take off my dress, Oh! (I put on a dress-o)
And really start acting quite naughty.
--- C Fitz-Nobbins

Now that memories of Yuletide have paled,
Our Rock group into the New Year sailed.
Our Lil' Drummer Boy, Kayle,
We have bailed out of jail,
Where they stashed him when he, drug tests, failed.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9901

If offended by this, beg your pardon,
But I've heard that the young Sammy Warden
Begs his schoolmates of late
"Hey, please help me get straight.
I've just got to get to Kindergarten."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0001

I'd go on a luxury cruise,
But spent all my money on booze.
So I'm stuck in this pit,
Surrounded by shit,
And sniff a selection of glues.
--- Anon

Judge Hemp & Reverend Lockjaw
Took the overnight train to Saginaw;
Cursed with wild dreams,
Hysterical screams,
They'd puffed on great stuff we outlaw!
--- Anon

My plan for the sellers of dope
Is not to cry, "How can we cope?"
It's to round up the bums,
And beat on their gums,
Then swing them, at the end of a rope.
--- Gifford Wherry

They smuggle mafu through Havana; (mafu?)
It pays for Fidel's plush cabana.
With a toke of this dope,
You'll envision the Pope
With Sister Bertrille 'stride his 'nana...
--- Anon

This is file plm

There was a bad apple from Newton
Who went in for heroin shootin'.
Well, she got off her rocks,
Now she wears a pine box,
That she'll look everlastingly cute in.
--- Betty Noire TP9806

A mobile phone user called Sue,
Stuck her phone to her head using glue.
This made her bill
As high as a hill,
And the glue got her high, too.
--- Anon

A nasty young fellow named Jack
Has problems in fending off flack;
His friends are outraged
And fit to be caged:
He hooked his own mother on smack.
--- Armand E Singer 888

In the 60's our consciousness grew
From smoking pot, LSD too.
Our minds would expand
But not our headband,
Till finally all our minds blew.
--- Anon

Intravenous drug user O Mize,
After myriad, prolonged, botched tries,
Probed his rubbery veins.
His remains now contain
Hematomas of prodigious size.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0204

A drug-using douchebag named Kevin,
Got high, and was off in blue Heaven.
Then the dizzy-assed cuss
Stepped in front of a bus;
The rest of the story at eleven.
--- Mustafa X

There once was a young man called Dave,
Who took some pills at a rave.
His eyes rolled back,
He had an attack,
And ended up in his grave.
--- Bezz

The party was hot; I was dripping
With sweat; everyone started stripping;
The blue girl next to me
Said, "You on LSD?"
The wine had been spiked; I was tripping.
--- Anon

She said she was Welsh, name of Gwyndle,
Her lurcher was green, red and brindle.
We chased a March hare;
Then just for a dare,
I flew from a third-story window.
--- Anon

Life flew by before my own eyes,
A spectrum of light filled the skies
Disappearing to dark.
I woke in the park,
Naked, covered in dog-shit and flies.
--- Anon

There was a teenager named Donna,
Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
Two days out of three,
She would shoot LSD,
And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G2318

The rain from branches was dripping;
The student, on acid, was tripping;
Surreal surroundings
Where nothing has grounding;
Reality quietly slipping.
--- Cap'n Bean P0302

In Flander's fields the poppies grow.
Colombia and Mexico.
When drug wars begin,
You'll see next of kin,
Between the crosses, row on row.
--- Irving Superior P9803

The Good Old Days -- hallucination
Today is -- Hallelu-cination.
So many of us high,
The editors now cry,
"Is the US a lucid nation?"
--- Irving Superior P8803

The Hon. Ginsburg could plead
That he'd had the flu, and, "Indeed,
My docket's behind,
But please bear in mind
That these days I'm not up to speed."
--- A N Wilkins P8803

I was thinking, while taking a hit,
It's okay you decided to quit.
Because, as you see,
That just leaves more for me.
But, I'm willing to pass on a bit.
--- Anon

A young Psychologist, Jolene,
Never seemed to have time to keep clean.
From morning 'til night
Came clients uptight,
With problems that drove her to morphine!
--- Dick Hull

There was a young fellow named Chris
Who collected toadstools in Diss.
His interest in fungus
Was certainly humungous,
But eating them produced the most bliss.
--- K M Briggs

Her lover and Miss Susie Wong
Had sex after "kicking the gong."
The narcotic effusion
Caused a little confusion;
At her climax she shouted, "Mah Jong!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

The Good Old Days, to needle meant
To josh (in words more vehement).
Or, phonograph to start
Or polygraph to chart.
Today, old age to circumvent.
--- Irving Superior P8803

An earnest young stoner from Sydney
Said, "Weed organ damage? You kid me!
Unless you mean, mate,
That in your relaxed state,
The Yakuza might harvest a kidney!"
--- Phil T

There once was a whore from North Seoul
Whose brain size was that of a mole.
When asked for a light,
She replied with delight
"I'm sorry, I only smoke pole!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

When men seek release from their pain
In opium, gin, or cocaine,
They fancy a puff
Or a sniff of the stuff
Is enough. They won't need it again.
--- Laurence Perrine P8803

Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw
Took the overnight train to Saginaw;
Cursed with wild dreams,
Hysterical screams;
They'd puffed on great stuff we now outlaw!
--- Anon

In all things a rapid beginner,
Young Fay soon excelled as a sinner.
When tired at nine,
Of cocaine and fine wine,
She switched to cigars and paint thinner.
--- Paul M Hoffman

For the lad though, we hold out slim hope.
We enabled the young chap to "cope."
Skilled at repetition,
Not much for contrition,
We predict he'll soon sell and use dope.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9901

A quiet young head known as Clark,
Liked tripping at home in the dark;
But his Christmas went bad
When they raided his pad -
'Twas a visit from good ol Saint Narc.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

Crack, pot, LSD, and cocaine
Are all drugs which poison the brain;
As a shot in the arm
They can only do harm,
And are deadly when taken in vein.
--- Laurence Perrine P8803

There once was a teacher at school;
Everyone thought she was a fool.
Though her name was Ms. Pope,
He was hooked upon dope,
But we still think she's pretty cool.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Calculating hit man, Adam Sugged,
Killed a guy with the piece which he lugged.
Caught, tried, incarcerated,
He was not too ill-fated.
Every day in the Joint he stays drugged.
--- Loren Fitzhugh

The pain in the molar, it's clear,
Hooked DeQuincy on opium. Queer.
His work on this theme
Brought him instant esteem,
And a toothache thus launched his career.
--- A N Wilkins P8803

I have a big sister called Fiona,
Sometimes she's a bit of a moaner.
When smoking a joint,
She misses the point,
Because she is a total stoner.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

When I told my hippie friend, Lance,
About medicine and its transplants,
He started to smoke;
Of poppy he spoke;
And joked about other trance plants.
--- Irving Superior P9503

Long ago, I was tripping on acid,
While banging a girl from Lake Placid.
The hallucinations, I confess,
That floated out of her breast,
Were enough to make me go flaccid.
--- John Chastaine


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