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Although vilified as a buffoon, I once had a performing baboon, An aspiring musician named June A blond woodwind player named June, A man who played the bassoon, Irrepressable Vidal Sassoon, Whenever he played his bassoon, They asked a young man on bassoon There was a young lady named Flo Dick Blackmore once played the bassoon; Well, can you fill me in, Tiddy, please? Old Arch, 'neath Australia's moon, Oh, Tiddy, go straight to the top. A schoolgirl named Angela Moon A bassoonist, I sat there bereft; While playing some scales on the flute, A flatulent flautist named Flo, A lady, while playing the flute, A fair floogie flat-footed, Miss Blitz, (schwach - ???)
There was an old flautist named Lessing, There was an old lady of Butte There was an Old Man with a flute, -- There was a Young Lady of Butte, When her dear husband died, Mrs. Newt Of an orchestra's direst ills, There was a musician named Lute A flautist who fucked his own flute An unhappy young maiden in Butte A flautist from Norwalk, Conneticut, On the beach sat a fellow named Knute There once was a girl who played flute; Zamfir, dude of flute-tooting fame, The Limerick realm now prepares An ingenious god was old Zeus, To share faithful Alcmena's bed, Europa was awed, and was pawed, To pent Danae, Zeus of old, When a friend said to Leda, "Come on, Said Mars when entangled with Venus, My demands upon life are quite modest, Ali Baba moaned, "No one believes That mythical creature, the Sphinx, The four hurricanes sent to offend us, Was there ever a real flying saucer Rich King Midas, a monarch of old, The curse of gold. When Midas ate Though Leander confessed he was sorry The Pied Piper of Hamlein was bats The Gods must be there to annoy All Aries love fondling their bums, The water-borne strength of Aquarius Girls, beware the Aquarian man! And I once knew a sweet young Aquarius, A young lady born under Aries, An astrology teacher named Blass The astrologer studied and crammed. The female adherents of Aries If Aries, you're on a rampage. Born under the sign of the goat, I've thought of it not, but I am If your sex life is basically dead, Once Aries the Ram, now Aries the Ewe. A coordinate some would find cryptic, Those men who are born under Taurus Astrologers look to the skies 'n' A Cancer born June twenty-third, I'm Cancer the crab, don't you know;
He caused many a maiden to swoon,
Every time he'd let go
With an arpeggio,
From his ill wind, a screeching bassoon.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
That farted music through a bassoon.
At times, more than gas
Came out of his ass,
And he cleaned out the bassoon with a spoon.
--- Hungarian Rhymarian
Could hardly carry a tune.
Despite her bad ear,
She advanced her career
By blowing the maestro's bassoon.
--- Macsam
Arrived at rehearsal too soon.
A man in the band
Put his flute in her hand,
And it changed to a contra bassoon.
--- J Letts
Continually played the same tune.
Through August, September,
November, December,
March, April, May, and now June.
--- Spike Mulligan
On a fantasy trip to the moon,
Tried to titillate Venus
By disguising his penis
As an elegant golden bassoon.
--- Boy Pilot
His dog started baying the moon.
We shouted, "Get lost!"
But they wouldn't be bossed,
And the only thing lost was the tune.
--- Laurence Perrine P8302
If his cold would be clearing up soon.
He said, "When you suppose
That I'm blowing my nose,
I am actually playing a tune."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who said that she wanted to know
Did bassoonist Herr Klauth
Make that noise through his mouth?
The conductor cried, "God, I hope so!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8302A
His farting, it kept him in tune.
When told that his trills
Suited meadow and hills,
He left and played on Lawn an' Down. (Lorna Doone?)
--- Archie
(And that expression is only to tease).
What does he mean?
It's clear to be seen,
This Native must return overseas
--- Kitten
Oft sings a peculiar tune.
Though hard to perceive,
His gist, I believe,
He's talking about "Lorna Doone."
--- Tiddy Ogg
To miss reading Lorna's no blot.
This young Exmoor maid
Don't even get laid;
(I was the class swot, read the lot!)
--- Kitten
Was crazy about the bassoon.
She thundered away
By night and by day --
But always the same rotten tune.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Of my music, all staved and bass-cleffed;
Forgetting the tune,
I cased my bassoon;
Then I made my excuses and left.
--- Nick
I noticed strange stains on my suit.
Am I losing my bottle?
I'm covered in dottle!
Does James Galway get this in mid toot?
--- Bill Wall
Attained mastery out of fear of solo.
She feared unharmonious effervescence,
Amid gasps from the audience,
So she lip-syncs poco adagio in duo.
--- Jim
Was thought to be rather astute.
Her runs were not always
As fluid as Galway's
But her wiggle was wonderfully cute.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Gave the floy to a flautist named Fritz.
As he played suites by Bach,
Fritz thought to himself, "Ach,
This is schwach. And it hurts when I pisz."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
whose style was most unprepossessing;
Said a critic from Tees;
"It is not just the keys,
But the listeners that Lessing's depressing."
--- Ron Rubin
With an oversize quim so hirsute,
That a flutist fell in,
And was saved by his chin,
But no person has yet found his flute.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0411
A serpent ran into his boot!
But he played day and night,
Till the serpent took flight,
When it noticed the "flute" didn't toot.
--- Edwardian Leer 034
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs
To her Uncle's white pigs
And stunts that were ever so cute.
--- Edwardian Leer 038
Was sad, 'cause she missed the old coot.
So she cut off his balls
Which she hung on the walls,
And his prick she made into a flute.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1808
Is a flautist who artlesssly shrills.
Like a dress-making plant
With a seamstress who can't
Do aught but to tuck up the frills.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9602
Whose girl thought that he was so cute.
And what made him the rage,
Was he fucked her on stage,
While he played a concerto for flute.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0724
Got his instrument stuck on his root.
When he enters erection
His woodwind section
Now comes with a terrible toot!
--- G2337
Played dolorous tunes on her lute;
It made her so sad
That she hadn't been bad,
In reality or by repute.
--- Lims Unlimited
Let her colleagues get under her petticoat.
The brass section fucked her,
As did the conductor;
A breach of professional etiquette.
--- Cunning Linguist P0411
Who played beautiful tunes on his flute;
He impressed a young lass
With a great looking ass,
And he charmed her right out of her suit.
--- Cap'n Bean
She was sexy, buxom, and cute.
As the notes fluttered,
Her pipe I buttered;
Cleaning rod rammed right up her chute.
--- Tom Myers
How did you get into that game?
"I was tutored by Pan--
His tutelage plan?
Don't suck when you blow it. That's lame!"
--- Gary Hallock
For some rather unwordly affairs.
It's of course, melancholy
That not all gods are holy,
But have lusts that each mortal man shares.
--- E O Parrot
This is file phl
He assumed many forms to seduce,
So any Greek beauty
Would think it her duty
To submit to a swan, or a goose.
--- Harriet Mandelbaum
Jove's disguise was the man she'd wed.
But this husbandly mold
Left the good wife quite cold,
"Not tonight dear, my head aches", she said.
--- Harrriet Mandelbaum
By a bull, who was Zeus, her lord.
As he fled with his prize,
He pronounced this disguise
A divine way to ride abroad.
--- Harriet Mandelbaum P0303
Appeared as a shower of gold.
When he'd made her surrender
To his legal tender,
"Oh, please keep the change", he was told.
--- Harriet Mandelbaum P0303
Tell me why you are looking so wan?"
She replied, "It's inspiring
But ever so tiring,
When a girl gets it off with a swan."
--- Peter Alexander
"I think there is something between us,
And the sound in my ears
Of Olympian jeers,
Suggests that the blighters have seen us.
--- Mary Holtby V
They're just to be properly goddessed.
Astarte or Isis
Might do in a crisis,
But the best's Aphrodite, unbodiced.
--- Robert Conquest
That once I knocked off forty thieves.
It appeared in the press,
The Baghdad Express,
And I've still got the oil on my sleeves.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Is smarter than anyone thinks.
He sits there and smirks
And you don't think it works,
Then when you're not looking, he winks.
--- Bill Wall
Did well to disturb and upend us.
Likewise, of course, men
Have feared the Four Horsemen,
The Apocalypse promised to send us.
--- Alex Heydon P0411
Reported by Shakespeare or Chaucer?
No, and here's why:
Strange sights in the sky,
Awaited the first Frisbee tosser.
--- Paul Niquette
Had the aureus touch, we've been told.
He regretted the power,
When the whole thing turned sour,
When his staphylococcus turned gold.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0302
Each dish he touched became gold plate.
His daughter too
Became Au,
And when he had to urinate....,
--- Irving Superior P8308A
That he hadn't garnered more glory,
"There's no way a man
In this instance can
Be the Hero," he said, "of this story."
--- A N Wilkins P8309
To take on so many big rats.
If they would just splash
'Bout half of the cash,
I'd happily lend them my cats.
--- Tony Burrell
And laugh when our dreams they destroy.
They sit up on high,
They laugh while we cry
As they snatch from our beds all our joy.
--- Tutta Gioia
As well as the bums of their chums;
They avoid turning gay,
(In the usual way)
By getting head jobs from their Mums.
--- David Miller
Is known to be rather nefarious;
And all of the shes
Will flitter like bees
And say he's divinely vagarious.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9302
His pits need a good shot of Bann,
But far worse than this
Is, the guy's full of piss,
And spends half his life in the can.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8905
Though her virtue was somewhat precarious.
The first time I caught her,
She said, "Hold your water!"
But then screwed in ways sundry and various.
--- Anon
Consults the stars each time she marries.
Although she gets hope,
From each horoscope,
Her husbands turn out to be fairies.
--- G2484
Had said in our very first class,
"I think that most fairies
Just have to be Airies --
They like to get rammed in the ass."
--- David Miller
He thought and he said, "I'll be damned!
I think that most fairies
Are probably Aries,
Because they so like to be rammed."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Are really fed up with the hairies
When their ramification
Is an insinuation
To all who are not, at heart, fairies.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9302
The reason that you're in a rage --
All puns you abhor.
Repeating one more,
If Aries, you're on a Ram page.
--- Irving Superior P8905
And when someone says, and I quote,
"When I check what you've brung,
You're really well hung,"
That's Nanny, not Billy the goat!
--- Anon
Spring-born, so I'm Aries, the ram.
And as you all know,
I do like to go
In wellies to get me a lamb.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I suggest take a Ram to your bed;
Just what would this do?
I'll give you a clue --
'Tis Aries rules over the head.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8905
And libbers will help pronouncing 'ewe' too,
You first purse your lips
Like sucking teat tips,
Then while being goosed, enunciate "oo."
--- Irving Superior P8905
The ascending node marks the ecliptic.
A horoscope carries
The "first point of Aries"
(A synonym much more eliptic).
--- Carl Lands
Are attracted to girls of the chorus.
They go on excursions
In varied perversions --
But forget it, the details would bore us.
--- Isaac Asimov
Tell lies, so it isn't surprisin'
To find I was born
(So they tell me) at dawn,
With my penis in Venus arisin'.
--- Peter Wilkins
Just loved to eat quimmy and curd.
When measuring his dick,
Had to use a yardstick,
Though a meter stick would be preferred.
--- Dudesdead
We find it quite hard to say no.
We're meant to be kind;
Uncommon to find;
So shy we can't manage "hello".
--- Jayne
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