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Disaster will come now, ere long; Now Merl's diagnosis, I fear So Merlin now gave him the chop; And now with a piteous wail, "OK," says old Merl, "You're the boss." Her So those legends about old King Art, To the fairest of fair Gwenevere, This nymph, who would one day be queen, Sir Lancelot, clad in his mail, There was a brave knight clad in mail, King Arthur has old Merlin sought; The King smiles with amazed delight; Merlin frowns and is slightly insulted, The King nods and speaks very sweetly, Merlin smiles and describes his new trick, The king is unsure when he's done; King Arthur's court's neath Norman siege -- Particularly useless, the knight, The archer, to find would be hard; In the chapel the pious old count A couple of wine and beer stewards The food taster's work was delayed The dining room page was quite able The watchman found his job a bore Young Arthur was just walking along, The bird sees his eighteen inch cock, Of course the old witch was insane, Already, we're up to verse four, So the bitch in the pool gives a shout. "It means, punk, that you may go far. Well that's the first pun that's out of the way. "Now go to Iran or Iraq. ("We know what comes next," Erm has sighed.) But of course, as you know, he forgot, Says the biddy, "You can't get a train, ya "But don't go by Virgin, you'll pay. So he gets him a flight to Baghdad, In the foyer a dervish is whirling', So it's done; Merl fulfilled his commision, So back to Wessex they go, At a circular barm they were able There's more of this rubbish to follow, At her interview Arthur told Mabel, Said Merlin, the wise old magician, Maid Mabel could tell at a glance A week later they couldn't find Mabel; The archery contest was good, That old friar Tuck was a card; There once was a Friar named Tuck Penitents of Friar Tuck were disjointed Fat Friar Tuck loves to drink; When Maid Marion wanted a fuck, The girls used to call him "Pin Tuck" How dare you impune Robin Hood? Robin Hood, he ran through the glen, They all made Marion the maid A Professor in my class today It was the old Sherrif of Nott When she died at just twenty and four, ...Of the forest that served as her bed. Said the Lionheart, "I am afraid I've a question 'bout Robin the Hood The first time that Marion got laid They all made Marion the maid, The outlaw who's called Robin Hood While Robin in Sherwood was tarryin', It's true, and it sure was a pity,
Art finds he's got pains in his schlong.
Merlin's looked, sniffed and coughed,
"It's that Chinese you boffed;
Your majesty's got Hong Kong dong."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was wrong, it was our Guinevere,
Who'd been sleeping around
With the sailors in town,
And given our Art gonorrhea.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Sliced off Arthur's most vital prop.
And Art cannot look
As Merl goes to the brook,
Preparing therein it to drop.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Comes the creature that started our tale.
That lorelei shakes
Off the slime from the lakes;
Much older, and horribly frail.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Reply is "Gee, thanks, you old tosser."
She grabs that fine prize,
Stuffs it up 'tween her thighs,
And sinks 'neath the waves. That's no loss-er.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Are lies, and not worth a fart.
'Cause old Ogg was there,
When he still had some hair,
And this story came right from the heart.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Staying virginal was her great fear.
This frog in the mud
When kissed, turned to stud,
Sighing, "My dear -- would Boy George be near?"
--- Naomi J Kahn
Had kissed every frog she had seen.
She had plenty of love
But, heavens above,
Died at the old age of nineteen.
--- Naomi J Kahn
Set forth to seek for the Grail.
As his hopes were saggin',
He met up with a dragon,
Which he slew by lopping its tail.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Who set out in quest of the Grail.
But he found a dragon,
With its tail a-waggin',
Which he fought to the death, tooth and nail.
--- William K Alsop Jr
The magician foresees why he's brought;
"I know all you desire;
I will assist, sire;
I've given the matter great thought."
--- Joel D Ash
The prince is five in a fortnight.
A nice magic show;
A half hour or so,
But no tricks that will cause the kids fright.
--- Joel D Ash
"Last year you were fully consulted.
A minor mistake,
That kid in the lake --
A bit small to be catapulted."
--- Joel D Ash
"His mother forgave you completely.
Just take more care;
A big crowd will be there.
It's important the show comes off neatly."
--- Joel D Ash
"This trick is the best I could pick.
A dragon appears.
Smoke pours from his ears.
His breath lights a large candlestick."
--- Joel D Ash
Fire dragons are something to shun;
"There must be no hassle.
Don't burn down the castle.
No guests set on fire for fun!"
--- Joel D Ash
None rushed out to shield royal liege.
They were having great fun,
Left their duties undone;
Forgot moral writ, noblesse oblige.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
His loving he never got right
When he pulled out of the queen,
She made such a scene;
Hid his armor and tights out of spite
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
He's nowhere on the parapets or yard.
If they'd used hunting hound,
Perhaps he'd be found
Face down neath the captain d'guard
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
Poured champagne in the baptismal fount
After three or four glasses
And fondling their asses
Had the Abbess and her nuns to mount
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
In a practice as old as the Druids
Were up on the roof
Discreetly aloof
Exchanging their bodily fluids
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
To the food no attention was paid
He left it untested
On the platter it rested -
He was eating the scullery maid
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
At laying a sumptuous table
But he left it quite bare
With nary a care
While laying the parlor maid, Mabel
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
And consorted that night and with a whore
'Tis so sad to tell
That the castle fell
'Cause no one was watching the store.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
Idly fingering his dong,
When a voice says, "Hey Ducky,
On this day you're lucky,"
And he sees this strange bird in the pond.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And thereupon ceases to mock.
"That tool of yours grew
And would split me in two.
Go off there and fuck that old rock."
--- Tiddy Ogg
But Artie had great lack of brain.
So he runs to the stone,
And buries his bone,
And did not even notice the pain.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And I've barely opened the door,
On this ludicrous saga.
I'll get me a lager,
Before I attempt any more.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"You pillock! Now pull the thing out!"
So he pulled from the boulder,
His choat; "Right," he told her.
"Now tell me what's this is about."
--- Tiddy Ogg
There's a bull in the field over thar.
Slap him with your plonker;
If him you can conquer,
We'll call your dick Ox-killer-bar!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
There'll be many more, I dare say.
But folks, you'll need stamina;
You'll be grandad and grandima,
'Fore I'm finished, with hair turning grey.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Can't find it? Well look at the faq.
Out there in the East,
Find a humpy-backed beast,"
Says the harlot, "and bring the thing back."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Says the crone, "On your horse you must ride;
Bring that beastie back here,
Then his flesh you must sear,
Then the place may be called Camelfried."
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file pdl
And he boiled that thing in a pot.
This he served to his mates,
While they drank booze from crates,
And named the locale, Camelsot.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Will have to go, charter a plan, ya
Must go to Heathrow,
They'll be one there, I know,
That'll make you a Mesopotamia."
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Cause those things never go all the way.
Experience they lack.
If you want to get back,
You'd better fly TWA."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Get the hots for those Arab chicks bad.
When he gets to the palace,
Has a very sore phallus,
'Cause many a fine Galahad.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And he finds an old conjurer, Merlin,
Who says, "I've a camel;
He's one of the famil-
Y, only a hundred pounds sterlin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And specifies just one condition.
"Now Art, we'll be pals,
And we'll get lots of gals,
And teach them the art of coition."
--- Tiddy Ogg
With slave girls and camel in tow,
And there make a feast
Of that poor humpy beast,
At a wonderful party they throw.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To set up an old trestle table.
Each day at sundown,
They all might be found.
Those great nights at the round stable.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But not until after tomorrow.
'Cause Erm's lying there
With her legs in the air,
And I'm going to have a good wallow.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"You must cook and must lay the round table."
The next day they insisted
The table consisted
Of twelve knights and the guy from the stable.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0606
When she asked to improve her condition,
"With those knights and their deeds,
A girl like you needs
No magician, but a good obstetrician."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0606
There'd be screwing, but not much romance.
Be that as it may,
The very next day
She's enamoured of Lancelot's lance.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0606
She'd run off 'cause she just wasn't able.
The job wasn't so bad,
But that damn Galahad
Had a dick like a telephone cable.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0606
But all of the men understood
There was one way to win,
So they turned with a grin
And pincushioned poor Robin Hood.
--- Anon
At the sight of a duck he'd get hard.
With his dick smeared with pitch,
He grab one in a ditch,
And he'd finish up feathered and tarred.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Whose diet was mostly pot luck.
With pot after pot,
This poor friar got
A waistline that outwardly stuck.
--- Irving Superior P9504
When he came from behind and anointed
Them. Ere they could foil
Him and his scented oil,
They discovered they'd all been tuckpointed.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9405
It keeps him from finding the pink.
And since poor old Tuck
Can't find it to fuck,
The maidens just think he's a fink.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
She should have asked Friar Tuck.
He was horny as hell,
Shagged a sheep in the dell,
And then from a lamb got a suck.
--- Anon
Cause he left little holes where he struck.
She would have many pricks,
But she would get no kicks,
And she'd never go down on his luck.
--- Anon
He always behaved as he should,
'Til sadly Maid Marion
Was found to be carryin',
So we know he was good with the wood.
--- Tony Burrell
Chasing after his merry men.
He did it that way
Because he was gay;
Before he had made Marion.
--- Tony Burrell
Wet in the wood and the glade.
With her in the middle,
They'd all get a diddle.
Tuck, John and Robin would trade.
--- Karen
Claims Robin Hood may well have been gay.
The things his men did
In the woods where they hid,
Made Maid Marion blush, so they say.
--- Anon
Who spanked her hot little bod,
Till quite red and rosy
And he was arousy,
And had her right there on the cot!
--- Archie
In a battle 'gainst forces of law,
She was lincoln-green draped
In a coffin, Y-shaped,
And they buried her under the floor...
--- Peter Wilkins
(Robin Cried 'cause they never were wed.)
But they soon found a luck-
y replacedment to fuck.
(So the Sheriff of Nottingham said.)
--- Peter Wilkins
By old Brother John, I'm betrayed.
But then thanks to Robin
Whose weavin' and bobbin'
Kept Maid Marian staid and unlayed."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9811
And his friend Triar Fuck in the wood.
Are they having me on?
Could it be Little John
Who Maid Marion wet as he could?
--- Peter Wilkins
In a beautiful Nottingham glade,
It wasn't Will Scarlett
Deflowering the harlot,
But Robin that Marion made.
--- oOOo
For 'tis rumored afar that she laid
With Robin and crew
(To name but a few),
And thus became Marion unmaid.
--- Bob Hunt
Is oftentimes misunderstood.
His mate called Will Scarlet
Brought him a young harlot
Who he rogered all day in the wood.
--- Donald McGill
A great 'normous wood he was carryin'.
He had a cock fight
With Friar Tuck one night,
But it seem that he never made Marion.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He never had any so pretty.
He had to make do
With geting a screw
From every whore in the city.
--- Scott Oliver
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