There once was an indian maid, A fair made lived in San Berdoo; Well ringadangdoo, what is that? Now she took me, one day, to her cellar; It was almost to good to be true; Said her Mama, "You're now in the stew; So she hung a sign up on her door: Never fussy about who she'd screw, Then one night came a real sumbitch; Well, she's gone, lads, our maid is no more; The Cap'n of the old Missin-Tail He stopped his uninvited guest "Mate, ye've been out to sea way too long. "Oh Cap'n, mine is big as the air, So, the last old spinster said: "See, There was a strange song, writ of old, Oh no! Oh disaster! Oh woe! Up North where the rain always falls, Not one day, nor three days, but five; On second thought (tears in my eyes) Just tried it; the heat is intense, But maybe some furry-lined panties; Ah dammit! You can't e-mail pants, So maybe to keep myself warm, I think my hotel is a doss- I doubt there'll be even a maid I walked to the old boat yard quay, Her hair, in the sunlight was gleaming; "Of what," said this lass, with a beam- I bought her a lager and lime, I told her I'd stood on that quay, We'd come to this same seaside bar; "...Enough," quoth the maid, "This could go
This is file orm
I tell her of neap and spring tide, (Oh Lord, this is just the preamble, My granddaddy, ship's cabin boy, In a voice that was cracked as a bell, At a time and a date palindromic, He gave her a glance wholly quizzical, I reckon we're maybe half way. She laughed in a tinkling chime, Whereon I soon made intercession, "The year is two thousand and two, "Round a quarter to eight I'll buy you, We each then looked up from our glass. I looked up, but no magic wand I looked round, but all was the same. I called to see granny next day. "A sailor's a girl in each port, So when he came home from his trawling, Remember those days long ago (seventh grade, never did find the word 'whore' - McW)
Said the stammering fellow named Stu, A moral old fellow named Hicks "Let's now play ANAGRAMS", said Klein. (what is mightier than the sword? - McW)
Lorraine was a clever young lass I bet my good friend named Ringo, I think you should call off all bets; If my mother her passions had mastered, One sweet damsel of Metro Toranna Beastiality, incest, and sodomy, Crap, ass, turd-bucket, damn, darn, pee, heck; 'Peccadillo' has same root in sin. I guess I just don't make the grade I swore, "That sonofabitch But I used the term 'cod' in my stuff The tenderfoot from the East was called Dude; Cunction is putting things off.
Who declared she was not afraid,
To lie on her back
In a tar paper shack,
For the purpose of just getting laid.
--- Anon
Sweet sixteen, and quit pretty too;
Now one day, as I'll tell,
She got restless as hell,
With an itch in her ringadangdoo.
--- Allen Wolverton
Glad you asked, boys; just think of a cat;
Soft and furry? You bet!
And our maid loved to pet!
With a split built for catchin' the bat!
--- Allen Wolverton
She declared that I'm one damn fine feller;
Fed me wine, whiskey too;
Showed her ringadangdoo;
Said, "Come on, it's no time to be yeller."
--- Allen Wolverton
It was heaven, but when we were through,
We heard screams all about,
When her mama found out,
That I'd ravaged her ringadangdoo.
--- Allen Wolverton
'Cause your maidenhead's shot through and through;
You've been ruined, it's true;
Just one thing left to do:
You must market your ringadangdoo."
--- Allen Wolverton
"Come on in; I am one fine whore."
Young men came, old ones too.
Boys, her place was a zoo;
On her ringadangdoo they did score.
--- Allen Wolverton
She did deal with a scrofulus crew;
While with pleasure she sang,
This unsavory gang
Left a ring 'round her ringadangdoo.
--- Allen Wolverton
Had the clap and the seven year itch,
Plus the syph and strange ticks,
All combined; the whole mix
Made her ringadang do black as pitch.
--- Allen Wolverton
We still praise San Berdoo's finest whore;
City Hall's where each tit
On the wall, now does sit.
Plus her ringadangdoo's on the door!
--- Allen Wolverton
Was heard to lament and wail:
His first mate had a choker,
And no woman to poke her;
He'd got caught bending over the rail.
--- Anon
From completing his perverted quest,
By drawing his knife,
And threatning his life;
Then said, "Let's have a little contest."
--- Anon
Since ye've tried to poke me with yer dong,
Turn the ship to the west.
We'll have a liars contest,
If ye win, I'll let ye keep yer prong."
--- Anon
Ships sail in and out, never tickle a hair.
If you can top that,
Then I'll eat me hat,
So give it your best shot, if you dare."
--- Anon
Lookee here! Mine's as big as the sea;
Any ship can drop anchor,
A liner or tanker;
I'll tell you they can't bother me!"
--- Anon
That lists what one tart cunt can hold.
There's battleships, dukws,
Tanks, field guns and trucks,
And Wellington bombers, we're told.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I've been ordered this Sunday to go
(In a tone unforgiving)
To work for a living,
Away from the city I know.
--- Anon
And the chill causes gentlemens' balls
To drop off in the gutters
And shrivel their putters,
While battling the hurricane squalls.
--- Anon
And today is the day I arrive,
So I'll sprinkle my willy
And jockstrap with chilli;
The heat might keep percy alive.
--- Anon
I've decided that's not very wise.
So I'll bring a small heater
To wrap round my peter,
And warm up my bollocks and thighs.
--- Anon
And the bulge in my jock is immense;
But however excitin'
I'd not want to frighten
Old ladies and cause an offence.
--- Anon
So girls, if you've got some nice scanties
Which thus are so lined,
I'd be grateful (but mind
You don't send me those bloomers of aunties).
--- Anon
So it seems that I've now lost my chance.
Should have asked you last Sunday
To mail them on Monday,
To heat up my tackle and lance.
--- Anon
I'll wear three or four of my form-
Fitting jocks and keep Percy
Alive from the merci-
Less sleet and the hurricane storm.
--- Anon
house; it's all that my stingy old boss
Will allow me to stay
In while working away
'Cause he couldn't give a fig or a toss.
--- Anon
I can talk to and gently persuade
Into having some fun
In the room with my gun;
So already I'm feeling dismayed.
--- Anon
Intent, gazing over the sea
And stood in this style
For just a short while,
Then a young charmer stepped up to me.
--- Anon
As down to her shoulders 'twas streaming.
Said she: "Please tell me
What you see in the sea."
I said: "Nothing dear, I was dreaming."
--- Anon
ing smile, "Is this thing that you dream?"
I said: "If you've time,
For a quick gin and lime,
I'll outline the wonderful scheme."
--- Anon
And told her, alas, not in rhyme,
A dream I had had,
Though she think me mad,
Of a happening in near future time.
--- Anon
And dreamed that a girl spoke to me,
And asked me my dreams,
And they were, so it seems,
That I'd buy her a large G and T.
--- Anon
I'd tell her my dreams, of a star-
Kissed girl who would ask
My thoughts, and the task
I'd start. "Now hold on, that's quite far...
--- Anon
Forever." I said: "Oh dear, no.
For one of these girls,
With her fine golden curls,
And the loveliest smile, halts me, so..."
--- Anon
And my old granddad's travels, with pride;
And a tale told by he,
Referring to me,
And she sat quite in thrall, sparkling eyed.
--- Anon
It's going to be quite a long ramble.
I think in the time
You finish this rhyme,
You could row from Seattle to Hamble.)
--- Anon
Was out in that port called Hanoi,
Or perhaps Singapore,
A-strolling ashore,
When an old Chinese crone cried "Ahoy!"
--- Anon
She started her subtle soft sell,
And here's what she's offerin':
For only a sovereign
She said that the future she'd tell.
--- Anon
With fears of a slump economic,
That the son of his heir,
To a bar would repair,
With a golden girl, drink gin and tonic.
--- Anon
He'd no time for things metaphysical.
But her eyes held such power
As she spoke: "At that hour
The whole world will turn paradisical."
--- Anon
I'm glad you've been able to stay.
Return then to now 'n'
The sun has gone down,
And my honey blonde lady will say...
--- Anon
"That's the worst spiel I've heard in my time,
And even if true,
'Bout me and 'bout you,
This drink, lad, is lager and lime."
--- Anon
Said "We're on the edge of recession,
And as for that gnomic
Third clause, palindromic,
We've time left a-plenty this session.
--- Anon
And that's palindromically true.
The date, my dear Deb
Is twentieth Feb,
And that is a palindrome too.
--- Anon
A large G and T, and me, too.
And make sure we're sipping,
Or otherwise tipping
It throatwards at 20:02"
--- Anon
Our eyes met. You may think it crass,
But from that moment there,
We were walking on air,
As now, and for many years past.
--- Anon
Had waved; had my granddad been conned?
Her sweet smile had gone;
She looked rather wan:
"Alas, I'm no natural blonde."
--- Anon
I said "Bye, I'll see you again.
How 'bout here, next week?"
She shrugged, didn't speak,
And I trudged off home in the rain.
--- Anon
I told of my tryst by the bay.
"So, gran, was it true,
What granddad told you?"
And here's what my granny did say...
--- Anon
He thinks he's entitled to court;
He thought me a saint,
But boy, that I ain't,
And I had myself, too, some sport.
--- Anon
And found me, with baby a-crawling,
He hadn't a clue
What the milkman would do,
When here for his money he's calling."
--- Anon
When you looked in a dictionary o-
Nly to find whether "fuck"
"Penis", "clitty" or "suck"
Were included? You just had to know.
--- Anon
"Sh-sh-shove it up your g-gazoo!
Eat sh-sh-sh-shit!
Suck t-t-t-tit!
And f-f-f-f-f-fuck you!
--- Cunning Linguist
From alphabet soup got his kicks.
He said, "Waiter, make sure
What you brimg me is pure.
Remove all the SHIT's, CUNT's and PRICK'S.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2106
"First, Dear, the anagram for PINES.
No! No! it's not snipe.
Dear, dear, your teardrops wipe.
You're getting close but it's not SPINE."
--- Irving Superior P8508
But never made head of the class.
For whenever she read,
All the words that she said
Would always come out word-backass.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9603
That "Fuck" was in his grannies lingo.
So we dressed in disguise
And before Ringo's eyes,
Granny said "Fuck!" when I said "Bingo!"
--- Anon
And forgive this poor Ringo his debts.
When you add two and two,
It's apparent you knew,
That his granny now suffers Tourettes!
--- Anon
Or my dad not been every night plastered,
If they'd only been wed
When they got me in bed,
I wouldn't be branded a bastard.
--- Laurence Perrine P8802
Would insist, "I can cuss if I wanna.
I don't use dirty words
Like cunt, shit, and turds,
But some day I am fucking well gonna!"
--- Keith MacMillan 60b
Perversions, scatology, blasphemy.
Morality sans.
My god, it scans!
This limerick, without any profanity.
--- Rick Heeke
I don't want to swear but I must check
To make sure this site
Is free from all shite.
What a crappy, turd, pain in the neck.
--- James Young
As adjective 'impeccable' is in.
While courage is 'pecker'
Or something to wreck her;
You can call it 'peter' and grin.
--- Crispy
In "Politically Correct", I'm afraid----
There's a list without end,
Of words that offend;
But I still call a spade, a spade!
--- Anon
Is now using words of which
I just can't recall
Their meaning at all;
Now ain't that just too damn rich!"
--- Chris Papa
Thinking one word of French quite enough:
The word means 'pastiche'
With no reference to fish -
The best I could do, off the cuff.
--- Anon
He could not do very much but eat food.
He could not ride the steeds,
Or attend to their needs,
But the language he learned was real crude!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Like X-rays, when you have a cough.
A test for the clap,
Reducing your lap,
That bimbo you promised to boff.
--- Larry Davis P8712