There once was an indian maid,
Who declared she was not afraid,
To lie on her back
In a tar paper shack,
For the purpose of just getting laid.
--- Anon

A fair made lived in San Berdoo;
Sweet sixteen, and quit pretty too;
Now one day, as I'll tell,
She got restless as hell,
With an itch in her ringadangdoo.
--- Allen Wolverton

Well ringadangdoo, what is that?
Glad you asked, boys; just think of a cat;
Soft and furry? You bet!
And our maid loved to pet!
With a split built for catchin' the bat!
--- Allen Wolverton

Now she took me, one day, to her cellar;
She declared that I'm one damn fine feller;
Fed me wine, whiskey too;
Showed her ringadangdoo;
Said, "Come on, it's no time to be yeller."
--- Allen Wolverton

It was almost to good to be true;
It was heaven, but when we were through,
We heard screams all about,
When her mama found out,
That I'd ravaged her ringadangdoo.
--- Allen Wolverton

Said her Mama, "You're now in the stew;
'Cause your maidenhead's shot through and through;
You've been ruined, it's true;
Just one thing left to do:
You must market your ringadangdoo."
--- Allen Wolverton

So she hung a sign up on her door:
"Come on in; I am one fine whore."
Young men came, old ones too.
Boys, her place was a zoo;
On her ringadangdoo they did score.
--- Allen Wolverton

Never fussy about who she'd screw,
She did deal with a scrofulus crew;
While with pleasure she sang,
This unsavory gang
Left a ring 'round her ringadangdoo.
--- Allen Wolverton

Then one night came a real sumbitch;
Had the clap and the seven year itch,
Plus the syph and strange ticks,
All combined; the whole mix
Made her ringadang do black as pitch.
--- Allen Wolverton

Well, she's gone, lads, our maid is no more;
We still praise San Berdoo's finest whore;
City Hall's where each tit
On the wall, now does sit.
Plus her ringadangdoo's on the door!
--- Allen Wolverton

The Cap'n of the old Missin-Tail
Was heard to lament and wail:
His first mate had a choker,
And no woman to poke her;
He'd got caught bending over the rail.
--- Anon

He stopped his uninvited guest
From completing his perverted quest,
By drawing his knife,
And threatning his life;
Then said, "Let's have a little contest."
--- Anon

"Mate, ye've been out to sea way too long.
Since ye've tried to poke me with yer dong,
Turn the ship to the west.
We'll have a liars contest,
If ye win, I'll let ye keep yer prong."
--- Anon

"Oh Cap'n, mine is big as the air,
Ships sail in and out, never tickle a hair.
If you can top that,
Then I'll eat me hat,
So give it your best shot, if you dare."
--- Anon

So, the last old spinster said: "See,
Lookee here! Mine's as big as the sea;
Any ship can drop anchor,
A liner or tanker;
I'll tell you they can't bother me!"
--- Anon

There was a strange song, writ of old,
That lists what one tart cunt can hold.
There's battleships, dukws,
Tanks, field guns and trucks,
And Wellington bombers, we're told.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Oh no! Oh disaster! Oh woe!
I've been ordered this Sunday to go
(In a tone unforgiving)
To work for a living,
Away from the city I know.
--- Anon

Up North where the rain always falls,
And the chill causes gentlemens' balls
To drop off in the gutters
And shrivel their putters,
While battling the hurricane squalls.
--- Anon

Not one day, nor three days, but five;
And today is the day I arrive,
So I'll sprinkle my willy
And jockstrap with chilli;
The heat might keep percy alive.
--- Anon

On second thought (tears in my eyes)
I've decided that's not very wise.
So I'll bring a small heater
To wrap round my peter,
And warm up my bollocks and thighs.
--- Anon

Just tried it; the heat is intense,
And the bulge in my jock is immense;
But however excitin'
I'd not want to frighten
Old ladies and cause an offence.
--- Anon

But maybe some furry-lined panties;
So girls, if you've got some nice scanties
Which thus are so lined,
I'd be grateful (but mind
You don't send me those bloomers of aunties).
--- Anon

Ah dammit! You can't e-mail pants,
So it seems that I've now lost my chance.
Should have asked you last Sunday
To mail them on Monday,
To heat up my tackle and lance.
--- Anon

So maybe to keep myself warm,
I'll wear three or four of my form-
Fitting jocks and keep Percy
Alive from the merci-
Less sleet and the hurricane storm.
--- Anon

I think my hotel is a doss-
house; it's all that my stingy old boss
Will allow me to stay
In while working away
'Cause he couldn't give a fig or a toss.
--- Anon

I doubt there'll be even a maid
I can talk to and gently persuade
Into having some fun
In the room with my gun;
So already I'm feeling dismayed.
--- Anon

I walked to the old boat yard quay,
Intent, gazing over the sea
And stood in this style
For just a short while,
Then a young charmer stepped up to me.
--- Anon

Her hair, in the sunlight was gleaming;
As down to her shoulders 'twas streaming.
Said she: "Please tell me
What you see in the sea."
I said: "Nothing dear, I was dreaming."
--- Anon

"Of what," said this lass, with a beam-
ing smile, "Is this thing that you dream?"
I said: "If you've time,
For a quick gin and lime,
I'll outline the wonderful scheme."
--- Anon

I bought her a lager and lime,
And told her, alas, not in rhyme,
A dream I had had,
Though she think me mad,
Of a happening in near future time.
--- Anon

I told her I'd stood on that quay,
And dreamed that a girl spoke to me,
And asked me my dreams,
And they were, so it seems,
That I'd buy her a large G and T.
--- Anon

We'd come to this same seaside bar;
I'd tell her my dreams, of a star-
Kissed girl who would ask
My thoughts, and the task
I'd start. "Now hold on, that's quite far...
--- Anon

"...Enough," quoth the maid, "This could go
Forever." I said: "Oh dear, no.
For one of these girls,
With her fine golden curls,
And the loveliest smile, halts me, so..."
--- Anon

This is file orm

I tell her of neap and spring tide,
And my old granddad's travels, with pride;
And a tale told by he,
Referring to me,
And she sat quite in thrall, sparkling eyed.
--- Anon

(Oh Lord, this is just the preamble,
It's going to be quite a long ramble.
I think in the time
You finish this rhyme,
You could row from Seattle to Hamble.)
--- Anon

My granddaddy, ship's cabin boy,
Was out in that port called Hanoi,
Or perhaps Singapore,
A-strolling ashore,
When an old Chinese crone cried "Ahoy!"
--- Anon

In a voice that was cracked as a bell,
She started her subtle soft sell,
And here's what she's offerin':
For only a sovereign
She said that the future she'd tell.
--- Anon

At a time and a date palindromic,
With fears of a slump economic,
That the son of his heir,
To a bar would repair,
With a golden girl, drink gin and tonic.
--- Anon

He gave her a glance wholly quizzical,
He'd no time for things metaphysical.
But her eyes held such power
As she spoke: "At that hour
The whole world will turn paradisical."
--- Anon

I reckon we're maybe half way.
I'm glad you've been able to stay.
Return then to now 'n'
The sun has gone down,
And my honey blonde lady will say...
--- Anon

She laughed in a tinkling chime,
"That's the worst spiel I've heard in my time,
And even if true,
'Bout me and 'bout you,
This drink, lad, is lager and lime."
--- Anon

Whereon I soon made intercession,
Said "We're on the edge of recession,
And as for that gnomic
Third clause, palindromic,
We've time left a-plenty this session.
--- Anon

"The year is two thousand and two,
And that's palindromically true.
The date, my dear Deb
Is twentieth Feb,
And that is a palindrome too.
--- Anon

"Round a quarter to eight I'll buy you,
A large G and T, and me, too.
And make sure we're sipping,
Or otherwise tipping
It throatwards at 20:02"
--- Anon

We each then looked up from our glass.
Our eyes met. You may think it crass,
But from that moment there,
We were walking on air,
As now, and for many years past.
--- Anon

I looked up, but no magic wand
Had waved; had my granddad been conned?
Her sweet smile had gone;
She looked rather wan:
"Alas, I'm no natural blonde."
--- Anon

I looked round, but all was the same.
I said "Bye, I'll see you again.
How 'bout here, next week?"
She shrugged, didn't speak,
And I trudged off home in the rain.
--- Anon

I called to see granny next day.
I told of my tryst by the bay.
"So, gran, was it true,
What granddad told you?"
And here's what my granny did say...
--- Anon

"A sailor's a girl in each port,
He thinks he's entitled to court;
He thought me a saint,
But boy, that I ain't,
And I had myself, too, some sport.
--- Anon

So when he came home from his trawling,
And found me, with baby a-crawling,
He hadn't a clue
What the milkman would do,
When here for his money he's calling."
--- Anon

Remember those days long ago
When you looked in a dictionary o-
Nly to find whether "fuck"
"Penis", "clitty" or "suck"
Were included? You just had to know.

(seventh grade, never did find the word 'whore' - McW)
--- Anon

Said the stammering fellow named Stu,
"Sh-sh-shove it up your g-gazoo!
Eat sh-sh-sh-shit!
Suck t-t-t-tit!
And f-f-f-f-f-fuck you!
--- Cunning Linguist

A moral old fellow named Hicks
From alphabet soup got his kicks.
He said, "Waiter, make sure
What you brimg me is pure.
Remove all the SHIT's, CUNT's and PRICK'S.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2106

"Let's now play ANAGRAMS", said Klein.
"First, Dear, the anagram for PINES.
No! No! it's not snipe.
Dear, dear, your teardrops wipe.
You're getting close but it's not SPINE."

(what is mightier than the sword? - McW)
--- Irving Superior P8508

Lorraine was a clever young lass
But never made head of the class.
For whenever she read,
All the words that she said
Would always come out word-backass.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9603

I bet my good friend named Ringo,
That "Fuck" was in his grannies lingo.
So we dressed in disguise
And before Ringo's eyes,
Granny said "Fuck!" when I said "Bingo!"
--- Anon

I think you should call off all bets;
And forgive this poor Ringo his debts.
When you add two and two,
It's apparent you knew,
That his granny now suffers Tourettes!
--- Anon

If my mother her passions had mastered,
Or my dad not been every night plastered,
If they'd only been wed
When they got me in bed,
I wouldn't be branded a bastard.
--- Laurence Perrine P8802

One sweet damsel of Metro Toranna
Would insist, "I can cuss if I wanna.
I don't use dirty words
Like cunt, shit, and turds,
But some day I am fucking well gonna!"
--- Keith MacMillan 60b

Beastiality, incest, and sodomy,
Perversions, scatology, blasphemy.
Morality sans.
My god, it scans!
This limerick, without any profanity.
--- Rick Heeke

Crap, ass, turd-bucket, damn, darn, pee, heck;
I don't want to swear but I must check
To make sure this site
Is free from all shite.
What a crappy, turd, pain in the neck.
--- James Young

'Peccadillo' has same root in sin.
As adjective 'impeccable' is in.
While courage is 'pecker'
Or something to wreck her;
You can call it 'peter' and grin.
--- Crispy

I guess I just don't make the grade
In "Politically Correct", I'm afraid----
There's a list without end,
Of words that offend;
But I still call a spade, a spade!
--- Anon

I swore, "That sonofabitch
Is now using words of which
I just can't recall
Their meaning at all;
Now ain't that just too damn rich!"
--- Chris Papa

But I used the term 'cod' in my stuff
Thinking one word of French quite enough:
The word means 'pastiche'
With no reference to fish -
The best I could do, off the cuff.
--- Anon

The tenderfoot from the East was called Dude;
He could not do very much but eat food.
He could not ride the steeds,
Or attend to their needs,
But the language he learned was real crude!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Cunction is putting things off.
Like X-rays, when you have a cough.
A test for the clap,
Reducing your lap,
That bimbo you promised to boff.
--- Larry Davis P8712