There was a young man of Lanethally
Who played the piano on the telly.
His tinkling scales
Delighted all Wales,
But the folk of Lanethally ethpethially.
--- Anon

He tickles the ivories more than ample;
To most he's the perfect example;
With the best he can play;
His rythym makes you sway;
This man is no ordinary Joe Sample.
--- Anon

It's hardly a musical crime
If the tunes that you play aren't sublime,
But I'll really be pissed
If your accompanist
Has a terrible time keeping time.
--- Rory Ewins

An old pianist in Peru
Played music that wasn't so new;
Like Jimmy Durante,
His lyrics were scanty,
Just Inca dinka dee a dinka doo.
--- Warrick Elrod P

There once was a lecherous pianist
Who fervently wished he could be a Liszt;
With women galore
Impressed with his score,
Seductively whispering, "Let me assist."
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8511

A piano you'll find in a band
Is a lot like most women I've scanned:
You can finger their keys,
Their dampers appease,
And if they're not upright, they're grand.
--- Hugh Clary

Remember when at the piano,
"Mens sana in corpore sano."
Don't play bawdy tunes,
Or I'll cut off your prunes,
And you'll finish up as a soprano.
--- Fred

There once was a lecherous pianist,
Of all, the most he-in' and she-inest.
To heighten his joy,
He would only employ
Those girls he was told were agreein-est.
--- Isaac Asimov

A singer they called Miss Diana,
Was caught in a flood in Montana.
She floated away,
While her beau, so they say,
Accompanied her on the piana.
--- Michael Kilgarriff P9309

Some charming selections from Strauss,
A pianist played at our house,
Though we shouted "Encore!"
And clamored for more,
The neighbors did nothing but grouse.
--- Anon

Some people play piano by ear
For just a few quid and some beer.
But dear cousin Rose
Plays entirely by nose,
And makes twenty thousand a year.
--- Ron Rubin

A pianist named Clyde once cried,
"This piano stays locked, though I've tried...
His wife said, "You goose,
It's really no use,
Don't you know that the keys are inside!"
--- P8302

Sing us a song, Pi-an-o Man
Sing if you think that you can
We're all in the mood
To get with your groove
And you've got us feeling quite grand
--- Anon

The blondes come, stand by me and tease,
I'd sure like to give them a squeeze.
But the management say
With them I can't play,
And I must keep my hands on the keys.
--- Anon

At 9 o'clock Saturday night
The regular crowd shuffles right
In through the door
To listen some more
To me, while they drink all the night.
--- Anon

Can you play a song I once knew;
I don't quite remember the tune.
It was sad and sweet
And I knew it complete,
Years back when I was young like you"
--- Anon

She rocked and she rolled, did Joanna,
On top of the honky-tonk 'pianner';
With legs widely splayed
O'er the keyboard she played
Boogie-woogie in classical manner.
--- Anon

With piccolo stuffed in her snatch,
She played Copland, Schubert and Khatch-
aturian's tunes,
While the glorious moons
Of her ass beat out rhythms to match.
--- Anon

Ashkenazy continues to please,
Making magic with pedals and keys.
He will often amaze
With the turn of a phrase --
No wonder he charges high fees.
--- Kilburn K Holt P8806

At playing in shoes, Virgil Fox
Politely but stubbornly balks.
Not to fuge or chaconne
Will he put them back on,
Though the pedals wear holes in his socks.
--- Kilburn K Holt P8806

A pianoforte player named Mose
Was blessed with extremely long toes;
Such was their length
He could stretch a full tenth,
But only on ballads and slows.
--- Ron Rubin

The groupie thought it was grand
To screw all the guys in the band;
Except for Romano
Who played the piano,
And did all his playing by hand.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209

Old Bernie plays piano with ease;
He plays with great style on the keys.
He's really quite deft,
Crosses hands, right and left,
And beats a tattoo with his knees.
--- Jean Fox

His music is really a treat;
Rhythm tapped out by his feet.
While he plays a hot tune,
He will hum, sing or croon;
Then his audience beats a retreat.
--- Jean Fox

You did strike a chord. Shall we sing?
I'll not fret over each little thing.
But I must insist
That your pianist
Has got to stop plucking my G-string.
--- Anon

My G-string holds many an air. (?!!)
But he will not get a hand in there.
'Tween the box and the frill,
The clearance is nil;
Though I do take it off for repair.
--- Anon

You've misunderstood greatly, old tar.
I'm not the town bike, not by far!
You've reached a crescendo
Of rude innuendo!
I'm talking about my guitar.
--- Anon

A nice little girl named Ivanna
Was learning to play the pianna.
But she sounded so bad,
That they sent her (how sad)
To play solo way out in Montana!
--- Ivana Scarpa

The noted pianist Jeanine
Has a regular practice routine,
Playing music by Handel
With just the odd scandal
Performed in the handy ravine.
--- VOL 5

A musical treat from St. Archie
Made everyone think Liberace.
So they passed the plate
All round his home state,
And sent him away to Karachi.
--- Archie

There once was a piano named Steinway
Which treated all players too kindly.
You could sit on the keys
Or just bang with your knees
But the tone always came out divinely.

(author conducted Baltimore Symphony 1942 - 1952)
--- Reginald Stewart P0010

A student pianist named Jock
Would practice for hours by the clock.
He tickled those keys
Till they whispered, "Oh, Please!
It's so GOOD when you tickle my Bach!"
--- John E Mayhood

While swimming around in the Med,
A small haddock heard music ahead.
And said, "Mom, is that Bach?"
"Well it could be, but hark;
'Tis that tuna of pianos", she said.
--- Peter Wilkins

This is file oql

If her overture's carefully planned,
His reaction will just beat the band.
For women, each man knows,
Are much like pianos,
When they're not upright, they're grand.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9409

My hands are too small (what a bum-
mer) for more than an octave; with thumb
On the C, to reach E
I'd use willy with glee,
But it used to get terribly numb.
--- Peter Wilkins

The Moonlight Sonata I played
For my very last musical grade;
And I passed it with merit
By using my ferret,
Which finished up ragged and frayed.
--- Peter Wilkins

Though I say it myself, I admits
I was good at those twiddly bits,
Which I practised all day
With my ladyfriend Kay.
While she fiddled, I twiddled her tits.
--- Peter Wilkins

Victor Borge once made tutors wince,
But he thrilled every audience since,
With his musical wit
Till the last note was hit.
Now farewell to piano's clown prince.
--- Prof M-G

I fucked that young nympho called Anna,
On the lid of the old grand piano.
But the lid, it gave way,
And a tune we did play,
In a most peculiar manner.
--- Anon

A pianist called Myer von Grummit
Gave recitals at a world leaders summit.
A man shouted "Myer,
Know your piano's on fire?"
He said "No, but I'll try if you hum it!"
--- H Myer T9801

A pianoforte player named Rigg
Says, "The Yamaha's just what I dig;
It's such a delight
To play it all night,
Then ride it back home from the gig!"
--- Ron Rubin

"If You See Kay" by April Wine!
A favorite rock song of mine.
The double-entendre
Came from way up yonder--
Nova Scotia -- back in '69.

OK, so it wasn't that long
Ago they recorded that song.
I took poetic license,
And I took leave of my sense...
However I end this is wrong.

There was a young man called Granger
Who had no conception of danger.
I've heard that it's true
That he beat himself blue,
So deranged was this Ozie arranger.

(Ozzie and Harriet?)
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Bewailed a musician named Dole,
"There's rock and what's worse, there is roll:
And despite my defenses,
it assaults all my senses --
It's musicly out of control."
--- Armand Singer

Playing records, the part I loved most
Was to flip them and sample the host
Of odd B-sides thereon.
Will those days soon be gone,
Now that seven-inch singles are toast?
--- Rory Erwins

Said an avant-garde jazzman named Jess
When asked to explain his success:
"I suppose it's my sound"
(like cats being drowned),
"And technique". (which is really a mess!)
--- Anon

The spectator's thought it was neat
When the band did their march down the street;
For they played really swell,
And they marched really well,
And were nude from their heads to their feet.
--- Cap'n Bean

If for sex you are making treks,
And frustration does you still vex,
Go to your corner,
Like little Jack Horner,
Listen to jazz, Bix Beiderbecks's.
--- Daniel Ford

On good advice let others write.
I think a song will tell it right.
"My Momma done told me
When I was in pants (knee),
The Blues In the Night.
--- Irving Superior P9606

Britney's music is not much to the ear,
But lots of things she does to my gear.
Her act when I watch,
Causes a stir in my crotch,
And it is her brassiere and her rear.
--- Anon

The engagement of Britney Spears,
The biggest pop union in years,
To that N'Sync flake,
Jason Timberlake,
Reminds me of Sonny and Cher.
--- Tom Myers

An A. O. P. out in Rangoon,
Who took up the contrabassoon,
Dropped dead, so they say,
While attempting to play
An up-tempo 'How High the Moon'.

(Air Observation Post pilot, or Old Age Pensioner [sic]
--- Ron Rubin

A Lady from old Salt Lake City
Only wanted to hear Conway Twitty.
The day she heard rock
It caused such a shock,
That she lost all the fur from her kitty
--- Anon

It's that spherical music you see,
Never has appealed greatly to me.
It's not much of a treat.
I can't dance to its beat.
It's discordant and badly off key.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0111

High tech is for geeks, not for hicks;
There's no internet in the sticks.
In hillbilly land
If you want broad band,
They take you to see Dixie Chicks.
--- Anon

Please comb your hair; it looks frizzy,
And don't go off in a tizzy.
Gads, look at your gait,
Please try to stand straight;
Mr. Gillespie, you're dizzy.
--- Anon

A musician was writing a ditty,
And he thought that the tune sounded pretty.
But the words he despised,
So he called two more guys,
And they formed a verse writing committee.
--- Anon

The committee, it could not agree.
The three guys each wanted to see
Their own words in verse.
The fighting got worse,
It ended with "Doo-wop" - the rest's history!
--- Anon

A modern exponent of pop,
Was asked "Wotcher think of doo-wop?
He replied, between grunts,
"I trod in some once.
Had to clean the place up with a mop."
--- Anon

Down Music Row, Hobo Kate Maggs,
For clothing probes rubbish-filled bags.
But all she can find
To clad her behind
Are jazz scores...she's now dressed in rags.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Their performance was fun; ours was staid.
They did -- and we didn't -- get paid.
We thought it sufficient
To be hiply proficient.
The others just got drunk and played.
--- John Gauger

Rap music is fun for the masses;
It shakes down their salacious asses.
But its tales of rapine
Told with gerunds obscene,
Like Dizzy on free jazz, "I passes."
--- Bruce Thompson

Young Gerry the jazz man, it's said,
Is enormous; so girls give him head.
He shoots gallons of jizz,
But the truth of it is
Only Ella Fitzgerald in bed.
--- Peter Wilkins

Johnny, he played in a band.
Played a guitar with one hand.
The other was busy,
In a blur - in a tizzy.
'Cause the drummer, he liked to be fanned.
--- Anon

This proverb, I think, now applies:
"A word fitly offered is wise,
And no word is wrong
If used for a song,
For then it's for ears and not eyes."
--- Anon