A coin dealer who'd buy, sell and barter, Our gold is a subject of mirth -- Big oil companies commit a crime Hurrah for a great GDP! (GDP - gross domestic product)
There once was a cunning old miser The bank statement's here and I dread; Just get a program called Quicken; Now you can examine each facet The insurers said, "Thanks for your claim; So you're an assurer? You sure? A man from the Federal Reserve, he On the lottery a friend won some money, A gal from the north of Bombay The fellows who work in Fort Knox You're a guy with whom I agree; A man told a beggar named Pettit, No-Fault by State Farm or All State-- Jack reported an auto collision, My life has appealing allurance; Though plans for the surplus are many, A kindly old felow called Clore A rare little coin is the tuppence, There was an old miser of Kent, Lots of men seem very merry, Said a little old lady named Purity, It's no good you guys getting old; Those of us who are old right now, You're spending our pensions, it's true, Stosh had won! And he stashed it away (Polish lottery pays $1 for one million years)
The Poles think their lottery is great; The ticket I bought at Friar Tucks, Some Washington folks from D.C. (I'm afraid they will give away me!)
As godfather you know that you must
This is file oil
A man with an index-linked nose A couple of brothers, the Bassets, Rule Number one, (is he serious honey?) Safe's opened; a fumble of keys; So thanks for your kind punchy praise; I once had a girlfriend named Rosie; Out shopping, my wife and I went. I work all night while you sleep About sixty years in the past There was a slum dweller named Mahler Supermarket shopping: a day fully spent, It says in your old Econ text, Our leader one time did declare On good old history I stand. I've turned all my assets to gold, What goes up must come down, I am told. In Phnom Penh, happy pizza is strong, (Riel, baht, dong are SE Asian monies)
Great concentrations of wealth Exxon's spokesman said, "You think we care The wife of a fellow named Lee, The workers once read with dismay, There was a young lady named Astor The teller was almost convinced (attached paper for more endorsements)
We have strange ways of judging a crime A man who banked at Coots "I would like to open an account, Says the Prez, "Where'd you get the dough? "OK," says the Prez, "What's the deal?" Now the Prez know his balls won't be square, They meet the next morning to see "I've brought my lawyer," she said, The Prez says, "Watch out for my walls!" From Paris three large New York banks
Was a Judo Black Belt named Joe Carter.
When a numismatist
From him coins tried to twist,
He was beaten and given no quarter.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
Men dig it for all that they're worth.
And right after it's mined,
Into bars it's refined,
And then buried right back in the earth.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2708
When a barrel of crude ups a dime.
They are nobody's fools
As they price their fuels
Ten cents higher, each gallon, same time.
--- Tom Patton P9606
Our economy's gone on a spree.
Despite leaders droll,
It stays on a roll.
(Hope a bit of it rubs off on me!)
--- John Miller 0320
Who had no financial adviser.
He stuffed all his lolly
Inside a big dolly,
And now one was any the wiser.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
I think I will leave it unread.
But on second thought, no:
Better peek, (SHIT!) told you so!;
I spy great big numbers in red.
--- Peter Wilkins
Even with a brain that has thicken'
It easily shows
Where all money goes.
And just where your funds you've been stickin'.
--- Arkeylimepieden
Of your body and your greatest asset,
Of which you do boast.
Hire it out for the most
You can get, for not one can surpass it.
--- Tiddy Ogg
You're underinsured all the same.
So you won't get the actual
Cash value, in fact, you'll
Get fifty percent. What a shame!
--- Rory Ewins
I reckon you've heard that one before.
So You'll look after my
Wife and kids if I die?
Well, I can't insure anything more.
--- Rory Ewins
Once made a remark I found funny.
"A billion saved here
And there, it is clear
Will eventually add up to real money."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And what makes the story so funny,
Is that he lost his ticket.
Did somebody nick it?
Or was is chewed up by a bunny.
--- Funny Bone
Had unusual good luck today.
Whilst passing a thicket,
She found a winning ticket;
She'll spend the money without delay.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Have gold flowing out of their cocks;
And the ladies, behold,
Go out panning for gold,
Using methods quite heterodox.
--- Hugh Oliver A055BA
It's good to have some charity.
Don't spend it all;
I'll give you a call.
My favorite charity's me.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"If I've cash tomorrow, you'll get it!"
Said Pettit, "I've learned
That a guy can get burned...
I'm sorry, but I don't give credit!"
--- Observer
No matter how worded, all state--
From annual profit
A small section off it
To you, the insured, we'll rebate.
--- Irving Superior P9412
And then asked the adjuster's decision.
He was told that the crash
Qualified for no cash,
Without subjecting his fault to revision.
--- Thomas G Keller P9412
I feel that I have the endurance.
I could make my employment
The pursuit of enjoyment,
But I cannot afford the insurance.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2423
I think that there's no need for any.
'Twixt the boys on the Hill
And my buddy Bill,
They'll piss away every last penny.
--- Anon
Gave all that he had to the poor;
But, alas and alack,
They would not give it back,
So he's not giving them any more.
--- Michael Palin
Almost as much so as the thruppence.
Their usage can make
A puzzle, or break.
But will we all get our comeuppance?
--- Rich Grise
Who saved every nickel and cent.
He would save everything,
Even pieces of string,
But felt good when his pecker was spent.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2138
With riches PECUNIARY.
But money ain't all
That makes you feel tall;
Coming death should make us wary.
--- Larry
Who had bet on a maiden futurity,
"No, I won't have to borrow,
For the check comes tomorrow;
Thank heavens for Social Security!"
--- Cyber Geezer
Your future is not paved with gold.
It may make you blue,
There's no pension for you;
The financial future looks cold.
--- Tony Burrell
Are spending your future, and how!
It may leave you bereft;
There will be none left;
No cash in the bank to endow.
--- Tony Burrell
But we're not worried what we will do.
For I'll bring the stone
And the sweet Marylebone,
And we'll cobble you into the stew.
--- Dennis Hammes
On advice of a sharp CPA,
Who had made it quite clear,
"If invested each year,
It will grow to a trillion some day!"
--- William N Nesbit P0012
They've sold millions of tickets to date.
Says Stosh with a smile,
"So it takes a long while -
I'll be leaving a darned big estate."
--- Tom Patton P0012
Worth three hundred million green buck$,
Ain't worth shit I say,
On post drawing day,
'Cause Powerball Lottery sucks.
--- Anon
Try to give away everything free.
Should they run out of money
That would really be funny --
Since they'll just print more on the QT.
--- Arthur Deex P2005
Put plenty of money in trust.
Then the child, to be sure,
Will never be poor,
And never have to beg for a crust.
--- Jules
Said, "Look how the goddamned thing grows.
It keeps swelling as well,
By this you can tell,
How the rate of inflation goes."
--- Spike Mulligan
Amongst all their various assets,
Was a jewelry store
Making profits galore,
Selling gemstones with intricate facets.
--- Cap'n Bean P0106
Simply states -- Never lose money.
Rule Number Two
Is quite simple, too,
"Never forget Rule Number One, Sonny!"
--- Gunjan Saraf
And cash floats away on the breeze,
To woods over the way,
Confucius he say:
That money just might grow on trees.
--- Tiddy Ogg
My spirits you gave quite a raise.
I know this is rash,
But please sent me cash,
In buckets and barrows and trays.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
When we snuggled up, it was cosy.
When she asked about money,
That wasn't so funny;
In fact I thought it was too nosey.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
To spend all my dough, her intent.
I said with sarcasm,
"It's like an orgasm.
She spent and she spent and she spent!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And the price I get paid is quite steep.
'Cause I get a shift diff
And it makes my dick stiff,
While all of my colleagues just weep.
--- Oddo Von Schlong T9801
Congress played loose and fast
Giving Social Security
To those of long Maturity,
And now they tell us it won't last.
--- Anon
Whose assets were barely a dollar.
He was happy to be
In the land of the free,
But he lived in great misery and squalor.
--- Albin Chaplin
Armed with a list and full of intent.
To buy what you need,
Not to buy things from greed.
At the till do you know where cash went?
--- Arthur Pattaffy
When demand soars, the thing you do next
Is to jack up the prices,
Get rich from the crises --
For the rest of your life you'll be fixed.
--- Dr Limerick
That all must get fair share and square.
Who can swallow such whoppers;
It takes one thousand paupers
Just to make just one millionaire.
--- Albin Chaplin
Our country is now strong and grand.
If spoils of war don't count,
The argument I mount,
That I'm living on Iroquois land.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0609
For I fear a recession's foretold.
But this nugget I've got,
Is the size of the dot
At the end of this stanza. Behold!
--- Peter Wilkins
But consider the great weight of gold.
If gold should come down
And land on my crown,
I'd never survive to grow old.
--- Mary Spiering
But they'll get you riel for a song.
Go to see Angkor Wat;
They like bucks, they like baht,
And will gladly accept your new dong.
--- Mike Scholtes
Are bad for society's health;
We're turning the page
Back to the gilded age,
And doing so mainly by stealth.
--- Dr Limerick 05-29-02
If the price at the pump isn't fair?
All the drivers may whine,
But it's our bottom line--
So we charge all the market will bear."
--- William N Nesbit P9606
In shopping, went out on a spree;
In a mad, reckless dash,
She spent all of their cash,
And I'm happy her husband ain't me!
--- Cap'n Bean P0108
Each week they worked for a day.
They said with a sigh,
They could never think why
They still receive all their pay.
--- Humphery Hatt P0510Q
Whose husband was shot by a blaster.
But she was not shook,
For she wrote a fat book,
And made capital out of disaster.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2427
By the genuine air it evinced,
But something looked strange
On this bill of exchange:
The allonge is in crayon, he winced.
--- Rory Ewins Q
And our justice lacks reason and rhyme.
For the robber of banks
Goes to jail for his pranks,
While the founder of banks serves no time.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2527
Was in rags and had no boots.
When he asked for a loan,
They let out a groan,
Because banks don't care two bloody hoots.
--- Spike Mulligan
And deposit a substantial amout.
I'll speak with the Pres.,
And see what he says,
To 200 grand -- he can count."
--- Stephen Ross
It's amazing but I have to know!"
Says the lady -- "I bet!
It's all legal, don't fret;
If you'd like to beat me -- let's go!"
--- Stephen Ross
"Here's the bet," she said, "sign and seal:
Your balls will be square
When your standing there
Tomorrow... I'll just take a feel."
--- Stephen Ross
So he agrees and he signs then and there.
They agree to the rules
On the shape of his jewels,
And both parties agree that it's fair.
--- Stephen Ross
If square his balls really be.
Of course they are round
And perfectly sound,
But the old girl observes them with glee.
--- Stephen Ross
"To keep legal the black and the red,"
But the lawyer's upset
By the old ladies debt,
And he starts in just banging his head.
--- Stephen Ross
The lady she turns and she calls,
"He's 250 in debt;
He just lost a bet
That I'd have the Prez by the balls!"
--- Stephen Ross
Received millions of hot dogs with thanks,
Because their books showed
That a French client owed
Their customers ten million Franks.
--- Attic Salt