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A coin dealer who'd buy, sell and barter,
Was a Judo Black Belt named Joe Carter.
When a numismatist
From him coins tried to twist,
He was beaten and given no quarter.
--- Loren Fitzhugh

Our gold is a subject of mirth --
Men dig it for all that they're worth.
And right after it's mined,
Into bars it's refined,
And then buried right back in the earth.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2708

Big oil companies commit a crime
When a barrel of crude ups a dime.
They are nobody's fools
As they price their fuels
Ten cents higher, each gallon, same time.
--- Tom Patton P9606

Hurrah for a great GDP!
Our economy's gone on a spree.
Despite leaders droll,
It stays on a roll.
(Hope a bit of it rubs off on me!)

(GDP - gross domestic product)
--- John Miller 0320

There once was a cunning old miser
Who had no financial adviser.
He stuffed all his lolly
Inside a big dolly,
And now one was any the wiser.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The bank statement's here and I dread;
I think I will leave it unread.
But on second thought, no:
Better peek, (SHIT!) told you so!;
I spy great big numbers in red.
--- Peter Wilkins

Just get a program called Quicken;
Even with a brain that has thicken'
It easily shows
Where all money goes.
And just where your funds you've been stickin'.
--- Arkeylimepieden

Now you can examine each facet
Of your body and your greatest asset,
Of which you do boast.
Hire it out for the most
You can get, for not one can surpass it.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The insurers said, "Thanks for your claim;
You're underinsured all the same.
So you won't get the actual
Cash value, in fact, you'll
Get fifty percent. What a shame!
--- Rory Ewins

So you're an assurer? You sure?
I reckon you've heard that one before.
So You'll look after my
Wife and kids if I die?
Well, I can't insure anything more.
--- Rory Ewins

A man from the Federal Reserve, he
Once made a remark I found funny.
"A billion saved here
And there, it is clear
Will eventually add up to real money."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

On the lottery a friend won some money,
And what makes the story so funny,
Is that he lost his ticket.
Did somebody nick it?
Or was is chewed up by a bunny.
--- Funny Bone

A gal from the north of Bombay
Had unusual good luck today.
Whilst passing a thicket,
She found a winning ticket;
She'll spend the money without delay.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The fellows who work in Fort Knox
Have gold flowing out of their cocks;
And the ladies, behold,
Go out panning for gold,
Using methods quite heterodox.
--- Hugh Oliver A055BA

You're a guy with whom I agree;
It's good to have some charity.
Don't spend it all;
I'll give you a call.
My favorite charity's me.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A man told a beggar named Pettit,
"If I've cash tomorrow, you'll get it!"
Said Pettit, "I've learned
That a guy can get burned...
I'm sorry, but I don't give credit!"
--- Observer

No-Fault by State Farm or All State--
No matter how worded, all state--
From annual profit
A small section off it
To you, the insured, we'll rebate.
--- Irving Superior P9412

Jack reported an auto collision,
And then asked the adjuster's decision.
He was told that the crash
Qualified for no cash,
Without subjecting his fault to revision.
--- Thomas G Keller P9412

My life has appealing allurance;
I feel that I have the endurance.
I could make my employment
The pursuit of enjoyment,
But I cannot afford the insurance.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2423

Though plans for the surplus are many,
I think that there's no need for any.
'Twixt the boys on the Hill
And my buddy Bill,
They'll piss away every last penny.
--- Anon

A kindly old felow called Clore
Gave all that he had to the poor;
But, alas and alack,
They would not give it back,
So he's not giving them any more.
--- Michael Palin

A rare little coin is the tuppence,
Almost as much so as the thruppence.
Their usage can make
A puzzle, or break.
But will we all get our comeuppance?
--- Rich Grise

There was an old miser of Kent,
Who saved every nickel and cent.
He would save everything,
Even pieces of string,
But felt good when his pecker was spent.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2138

Lots of men seem very merry,
With riches PECUNIARY.
But money ain't all
That makes you feel tall;
Coming death should make us wary.
--- Larry

Said a little old lady named Purity,
Who had bet on a maiden futurity,
"No, I won't have to borrow,
For the check comes tomorrow;
Thank heavens for Social Security!"
--- Cyber Geezer

It's no good you guys getting old;
Your future is not paved with gold.
It may make you blue,
There's no pension for you;
The financial future looks cold.
--- Tony Burrell

Those of us who are old right now,
Are spending your future, and how!
It may leave you bereft;
There will be none left;
No cash in the bank to endow.
--- Tony Burrell

You're spending our pensions, it's true,
But we're not worried what we will do.
For I'll bring the stone
And the sweet Marylebone,
And we'll cobble you into the stew.
--- Dennis Hammes

Stosh had won! And he stashed it away
On advice of a sharp CPA,
Who had made it quite clear,
"If invested each year,
It will grow to a trillion some day!"

(Polish lottery pays $1 for one million years)
--- William N Nesbit P0012

The Poles think their lottery is great;
They've sold millions of tickets to date.
Says Stosh with a smile,
"So it takes a long while -
I'll be leaving a darned big estate."
--- Tom Patton P0012

The ticket I bought at Friar Tucks,
Worth three hundred million green buck$,
Ain't worth shit I say,
On post drawing day,
'Cause Powerball Lottery sucks.
--- Anon

Some Washington folks from D.C.
Try to give away everything free.
Should they run out of money
That would really be funny --
Since they'll just print more on the QT.

(I'm afraid they will give away me!)
--- Arthur Deex P2005

As godfather you know that you must
Put plenty of money in trust.
Then the child, to be sure,
Will never be poor,
And never have to beg for a crust.
--- Jules

This is file oil

A man with an index-linked nose
Said, "Look how the goddamned thing grows.
It keeps swelling as well,
By this you can tell,
How the rate of inflation goes."
--- Spike Mulligan

A couple of brothers, the Bassets,
Amongst all their various assets,
Was a jewelry store
Making profits galore,
Selling gemstones with intricate facets.
--- Cap'n Bean P0106

Rule Number one, (is he serious honey?)
Simply states -- Never lose money.
Rule Number Two
Is quite simple, too,
"Never forget Rule Number One, Sonny!"
--- Gunjan Saraf

Safe's opened; a fumble of keys;
And cash floats away on the breeze,
To woods over the way,
Confucius he say:
That money just might grow on trees.
--- Tiddy Ogg

So thanks for your kind punchy praise;
My spirits you gave quite a raise.
I know this is rash,
But please sent me cash,
In buckets and barrows and trays.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I once had a girlfriend named Rosie;
When we snuggled up, it was cosy.
When she asked about money,
That wasn't so funny;
In fact I thought it was too nosey.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Out shopping, my wife and I went.
To spend all my dough, her intent.
I said with sarcasm,
"It's like an orgasm.
She spent and she spent and she spent!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I work all night while you sleep
And the price I get paid is quite steep.
'Cause I get a shift diff
And it makes my dick stiff,
While all of my colleagues just weep.
--- Oddo Von Schlong T9801

About sixty years in the past
Congress played loose and fast
Giving Social Security
To those of long Maturity,
And now they tell us it won't last.
--- Anon

There was a slum dweller named Mahler
Whose assets were barely a dollar.
He was happy to be
In the land of the free,
But he lived in great misery and squalor.
--- Albin Chaplin

Supermarket shopping: a day fully spent,
Armed with a list and full of intent.
To buy what you need,
Not to buy things from greed.
At the till do you know where cash went?
--- Arthur Pattaffy

It says in your old Econ text,
When demand soars, the thing you do next
Is to jack up the prices,
Get rich from the crises --
For the rest of your life you'll be fixed.
--- Dr Limerick

Our leader one time did declare
That all must get fair share and square.
Who can swallow such whoppers;
It takes one thousand paupers
Just to make just one millionaire.
--- Albin Chaplin

On good old history I stand.
Our country is now strong and grand.
If spoils of war don't count,
The argument I mount,
That I'm living on Iroquois land.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0609

I've turned all my assets to gold,
For I fear a recession's foretold.
But this nugget I've got,
Is the size of the dot
At the end of this stanza. Behold!
--- Peter Wilkins

What goes up must come down, I am told.
But consider the great weight of gold.
If gold should come down
And land on my crown,
I'd never survive to grow old.
--- Mary Spiering

In Phnom Penh, happy pizza is strong,
But they'll get you riel for a song.
Go to see Angkor Wat;
They like bucks, they like baht,
And will gladly accept your new dong.

(Riel, baht, dong are SE Asian monies)
--- Mike Scholtes

Great concentrations of wealth
Are bad for society's health;
We're turning the page
Back to the gilded age,
And doing so mainly by stealth.
--- Dr Limerick 05-29-02

Exxon's spokesman said, "You think we care
If the price at the pump isn't fair?
All the drivers may whine,
But it's our bottom line--
So we charge all the market will bear."
--- William N Nesbit P9606

The wife of a fellow named Lee,
In shopping, went out on a spree;
In a mad, reckless dash,
She spent all of their cash,
And I'm happy her husband ain't me!
--- Cap'n Bean P0108

The workers once read with dismay,
Each week they worked for a day.
They said with a sigh,
They could never think why
They still receive all their pay.
--- Humphery Hatt P0510Q

There was a young lady named Astor
Whose husband was shot by a blaster.
But she was not shook,
For she wrote a fat book,
And made capital out of disaster.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2427

The teller was almost convinced
By the genuine air it evinced,
But something looked strange
On this bill of exchange:
The allonge is in crayon, he winced.

(attached paper for more endorsements)
--- Rory Ewins Q

We have strange ways of judging a crime
And our justice lacks reason and rhyme.
For the robber of banks
Goes to jail for his pranks,
While the founder of banks serves no time.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2527

A man who banked at Coots
Was in rags and had no boots.
When he asked for a loan,
They let out a groan,
Because banks don't care two bloody hoots.
--- Spike Mulligan

"I would like to open an account,
And deposit a substantial amout.
I'll speak with the Pres.,
And see what he says,
To 200 grand -- he can count."
--- Stephen Ross

Says the Prez, "Where'd you get the dough?
It's amazing but I have to know!"
Says the lady -- "I bet!
It's all legal, don't fret;
If you'd like to beat me -- let's go!"
--- Stephen Ross

"OK," says the Prez, "What's the deal?"
"Here's the bet," she said, "sign and seal:
Your balls will be square
When your standing there
Tomorrow... I'll just take a feel."
--- Stephen Ross

Now the Prez know his balls won't be square,
So he agrees and he signs then and there.
They agree to the rules
On the shape of his jewels,
And both parties agree that it's fair.
--- Stephen Ross

They meet the next morning to see
If square his balls really be.
Of course they are round
And perfectly sound,
But the old girl observes them with glee.
--- Stephen Ross

"I've brought my lawyer," she said,
"To keep legal the black and the red,"
But the lawyer's upset
By the old ladies debt,
And he starts in just banging his head.
--- Stephen Ross

The Prez says, "Watch out for my walls!"
The lady she turns and she calls,
"He's 250 in debt;
He just lost a bet
That I'd have the Prez by the balls!"
--- Stephen Ross

From Paris three large New York banks
Received millions of hot dogs with thanks,
Because their books showed
That a French client owed
Their customers ten million Franks.
--- Attic Salt


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