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Three cheers for the old KGB; And then there's the story that's fraught You told me, "No condoms, No!" An earnest young leftist named Tariq, There once was a man from Peru, There was a young man from Glenchasm, There was a young fellow named Rawls, While mixing his drinks, Samuel Bender There was an old man of the West, There was a young man of Porcellian, From a hook hung a fellow named Jack, There was a young sailor named Gore I'll tell you what really appalls; Observed an old Mick named Gilhooley, A young naked gymnast named Odom, The poor Duke Renaldo Pendrake Said Tippu, the Sultan of Mysore, There was a poor freak from Berlin There was a young lad from Rangoon A pitcher who plays for Sioux Falls, There once was a stupid young fellow There was an old man from Bubungi, Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum, When she danced at the Easter Parade, "Active balls?" said an old man of Stoneham, A Gypsy boy stealing some shawls Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum, A fuddy old duddy named Purvis A male orientated conversation To those lovers onstage who sit flirting, How sad is the tale of George Smith, There was a young fellow named Burt, At wanking, young Jimmy's no dunce; Donald and Dale from Dubuque A musical whore liked to greet A ninety-year man named McCue, John's balls were of not-too-pure gold; There was a long lad of Cadiz There was an Old Man of Nepal, There was a young man of Ballbriggan, (Published 1870)
There once was an Arab so poor, A laid-back retro-hippie-type stoner It could be just one of life's laws, Maybe I squoze them too tight; Last night we had sex and had fashion, There was a young man of Coblenz, (one of five un-numbered in later editions)
There was a mechanic named Mears, There was a young man from Seattle, My dick and balls hurt when I nick 'em A very keen cyclist named Dash (mash - mashed potatoes)
There once was a hooker named June A pimp with elliptical balls There once was a boatman bnamed Franks, The well-hung young milkman, McGivery, Desiring an unwrinkled scrotum, From many hard years in the saddle, You may need a much softer saddle, I'll spur your soft flanks to a trot, A leprous old bastard named Brice In the woods a young man took a crap I stubbed my big toe on a rock, You heard about the man from Grasse? A rowing enthusiast, Cox, There was an old fellow of Cosham, There once was a fellow named Beane; There was a young man of Calcutta, There was a young fellow of Rhodes,
Their method's delightful to see.
If you haven't confessed,
Your balls are compressed
Andropov.
--- Arthur Deex P8302A
With disaster--of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
In the woods, and a trap
Underneath--Oh, I can't bear the thought!
--- L1164A
You said you were pure as the snow.
But I notice my cock
Is as black as my sock,
And my balls are beginning to glow.
--- Anon A
Blackballed when put up for the Garrick,
Observed with a groan,
"These balls are my own,
I consider such conduct barbaric."
--- Bernard Levin
Whose balls turned a dark shade of blue,
When a comely young lass
Said "I know it sounds crass
But if heaven can wait, why can't you?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who had a tremendous orgasm.
In the midst of his thralls,
He burst both his balls,
And covered an acre with plasm.
--- L1166
Who slipped from the dome of St. Paul's,
But the angel of grace,
Sped thither apace,
And lowered him down by the balls.
--- G2047
Caught both of his nuts in the blender.
His plain bloody Mary
Got more so, and hairy,
While they both grew much closer in gender.
--- John Miller 0064
Who never could get any rest.
So they set him to spin
On his nose and his chin,
And his balls got caught up in his vest.
--- Edwardian Leer 015 P9306
A rotter, a shit-heel, a hellion.
But the X-ray revealed
That his sperm was congealed,
And both of his balls in rebellion.
--- L1208
By a string round his nuts and his sack.
As he fell from a chair,
He cried out in midair
"Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack."
--- Bob Birch P0010
Who danced till his asshole was sore.
On his cutlass he slipped
And his scrotum was ripped,
And his testicles dropped to the floor.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1785
It's teeth were an inch from his balls.
So far but so near,
Or we'd all be here
To savour the Ogg's caterwauls.
--- Anon
"I know that my temper's unruly;
They can claim I am gay,
But I can't let them say,
'Your knockers do dangle unduly'."
--- Armand E Singer 243A
Once slid down a tall pole of totem.
On a splinter he caught,
And his fans grew distraught,
As he dangled aloft by his scrotum.
--- Anon
Fought a duel that was quite a mistake.
How he limps in both legs
And his genital eggs
Have decidedly started to ache.
--- Mike Tice
Whose rotten old balls proved an eyesore.
"If they don't look like much,
They're not sticky to touch --
Far worse is a wet than a dry sore."
--- Armand E Singer 89
Whose balls hung from under his chin.
Despite Nature's joke,
His morale never broke,
Though shaving did cause him chagrin.
--- G0252A
Whose bollocks turned black and maroon.
They filled up with gas
That escaped from his ass,
'Til he rose like a hot air balloon.
--- Anon
Complained of the umpire's bad calls.
But once home in bed,
When he asked for some head,
His wife complained of his foul balls.
--- Bob Birch
Whose balls were all slimy and yellow.
'Twas not from disuse,
Nor too much self-abuse,
But from trying to fuck lemon Jello.
--- G2119
Whose balls were all covered with fungi.
With his friends, out at lunch,
He tore off a bunch,
And said, "Now divide this among ye."
--- L1382
The unwitting young lad tried to coat 'em,
Pouring Texaco gas
Down the crack of his ass;
When it dried, he was stiff as a totem!
--- Mad Max
Such a sexy impression she made,
That some lads from St. Paul's
In tight jeans, hurt their balls,
And had to be given first aid.
--- G2043
"I regret that I no longer own 'em.
But I hasten to say,
They were good in their day.
De mortuis nil nisi bonum."
--- C D Cudmore
Was kicked by a cop in Sioux Falls.
This action was rash
And produced a loud crash,
For most Gypsies have crystal balls.
--- Anon
I rubbed oil on my bollocks to coat 'em.
It made me feel hornier,
But I ought to warn ya:
If you try it, take care: it'll bloat 'em.
--- CeeJay
Disrupted a solemn church service.
In the town of South Nevis
His sex caught a crevice --
Remembering, his screams still unnerve us!
--- G2045
Is broadcast throughout the nation,
Of nicking their balls,
Getting caught up in stalls;
A source, I am sure, of frustration.
--- Anon
It must be, I'd think, disconcerting,
When from dimly lit stalls
An angry voice calls:
"Sod! Let go my balls! Damn, you're hurting."
--- G2125
Whose knockers are almost pure pith;
No patter of feet
Resound on his street;
There's nothing to make babies with.
--- Armand Singer
Who treated his girlfriend like dirt.
She evened the score,
Which made him quite sore,
And it wasn't his feelings she hurt.
--- Margaret A Murdock P8305
But sadly, he's never come once.
For his bollocks, so small,
Produce nothing at all,
Despite squeezing and similar stunts.
--- Anon
This is file odm
Had his balls in her peruke.
The peruke lost its mousse
In a showerstall goose.
Now they know what it means to hang loose.
--- Jim Jambor P9012
Her clients by squeezing their meat.
So tight was her grip,
It led one to quip,
"Why, she's a real 'nutcracker sweet'!"
--- Macsam
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
This was not from compunction,
But due to dysfunction
Of spermatic glands--nuts to you.
--- L0054
His wife was a twenty-year old,
Who, on meeting a juror
Whose gold balls were purer,
Made John a ten carat cuckold.
--- Michael Rohaly
Who was never been able to jizz,
On account of the blockage
'Tween ballocks and cockage,
So the best he can do is a fizz.
--- Peter Wilkins
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
With some very strong glue
They fixed him except for one ball.
--- Edwardian Leer 012
Who was fearfully given to frigging.
'Till these nocturnal frolics
Played hell with his bollocks,
And killed the young man of Ballbriggan.
--- L1238
He was forced by the neighborhood whore,
To trade his left nut,
For a night with the slut,
Who dried it to hang on her door.
--- John Ciardi
Has completely lost use of his boner.
His nutsack's now ragged
From having been snagged,
While running the bulls in Pamploner.
--- Anon
That is whispered in dark dingy halls.
So don't be so slow
To make my voice low,
Just stop squeezing my bloody balls!
--- Spinner
I thought the pressure was just right.
You wanted the thralls
As I played with your balls,
And it's not what you wanted last night.
--- Karen
As our bodies together were thrashin'.
And not to berate,
The pressure was great
As we both were in the throes of passion.
--- Spinner
The size of whose balls was immense.
One day, playing soccer,
He sprung his left knocker,
And kicked it right over the fence.
--- Grand Prix Lim L1150
Who worked around sprockets and gears.
On day last December
A chain caught his member,
And pulled his balls up to his ears.
--- Steve
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
He said as he fuck-ed
Some stones in a bucket,
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you, that'll."
--- L0231
With zippers, but pain's when I kick 'em
When they drag in the street,
With my big old feet.
I need someplace safe I can stick 'em!
--- Travis Brasell
Once jumped on his bike, and the crash
Of his balls sounded worse
Than his curse to the nurse
As she bandaged his sausage -- and mash.
--- G2002
Who at lunch would eat beans with a spoon.
One night she passed gas
With Bob's dick up her ass,
And his scrotum grew like a balloon!
--- Milkbone
Went out for his afternoon calls.
But an indignant whore
Got them caught in a door,
And splattered his seed on the walls.
--- G1988
Masturbated on the banks of the Shanks.
In too much of a rush,
Hurt his epididymus,
And now he shoots only blanks.
--- Tom
While taking his horse to the livery,
In the groin got a kick,
And it made him so sick,
For the smart did impede his delivery.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He dipped them in starch first -- to coat 'em.
But gave out with a shout
When he ironed them out --
"I'll live with them wrinkled!" I quote him.
--- Writerman
In order to round up my cattle,
My balls are now aching,
And feel like they're breaking,
And sound like a rattlesnake's rattle.
--- Travis Brasell
Not one made of leather 'cause that'll
Just rub them jewels raw,
But if you recall,
I've got something here, you can straddle.
--- Carol
Then quicken your gait to a hot,
Smooth canter until
You gallop and feel
The froth pouring out of your twat.
--- Travis Brasell
Had balls that were spotted like dice.
They couldn't make sperm
And were overly firm,
But a wonderful gambling device.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
Directly on top of a trap.
Though this may sound absurd,
The fall of his turd
Caught his balls in the trap with a snap!
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1767
Got burned with electrical shock;
But these pains were small
Compared overall
To tangling my balls in my jock!
--- Travis Brasell
He had a certified pain-in-the-ass;
His balls, they were tarnished;
Not once he had varnished;
Now they're green and just not shiny brass.
--- Anon
Had water seep into his socks.
By upward attraction,
Capiliary action
Caused testicle rot in his jocks.
--- Anon
Who took out his bollocks to wash 'em.
But his wife said, "Now Jack,
If you don't put them back,
I'll jump on the damn things and squash 'em.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 L1167
His visage too vile to be seen.
His poor oft scorned dong
Lay unused for so long,
That he lost his left nut to gangrene.
--- Phil T
Whose balls were turning to butter.
In a day of great heat,
The folks had a treat,
As his testicles flowed down the gutter.
--- L1693
Whose testicles turned into toads.
He, horrified, wept,
As they struggled and leapt.
"Give me back my quiescent old nodes!"
--- L1696
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