The main market indices went
Down today, two more percent.
Investors are betting
Prosperity's getting
Away from our faux-President.
--- Dr Limerick 05-06-02

There are many investors irate,
Who were quick to bemoan their fate.
Our stock they had bought
At forty naught naught,
But now it's twenty-five point eight!
--- Azmeer Salleh

Consider the life of old Gabby
Hayes, who was unwashed and scabby.
Till that son of a bitch
Became suddenly rich,
On a stock market tip from Dear Abby.
--- Arthur Deex P9712

I know that I can't pay the rent.
The market, down seven percent,
Is losing my money.
We know it's not funny.
I'll live in a used Army tent.
--- Frank Fazed

As you ride the NASDAQ or Dow,
Your ears may be hurtin' you now.
Try yawning or gum,
To remedy some
Of the pressure, from plummeting down.
--- Dr Limerick

Shadenfreude has covered the nation,
As he fell from the loftiest station.
Will GRASSO be too shy
Or will he apply
For well earned unemployment compensation.

(overcompensated head of NY stock exchange)
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0311

A defunct stock exchange, says a source,
Still maintains a custodial force,
To keep furnaces lit,
Though some feel it's unfit,
And so wasteful to heat a dead bourse.
--- Bob Giandomenico P2006

My friend is a fellow named Fox,
Who dabbles in biotech stocks.
Do you think he could win?
Should he even stay in?
Depends on whose jewelry he hocks!
--- Monique de Plume

Came the 80's and girls got material.
The US started feeling imperial.
See Wall Street? From there
Came our foreign affairs.
No wonder our money's ethereal.
--- Anon

If the market you want to play,
When told "sell" you must not delay.
Martha Stewart's new creation
Is inside information;
You can learn something new every day.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208

There was an investor from Frisco
Who feasted on Intel and Cisco.
When tech took a dive,
He had to survive
On a diet of Bud and Nabisco.
--- Keith Gilman P0106

There is a new breed of tycoon,
Who says to the oldsters, "Make room!
Our business grows quickly.
The old economy grows sickly.
We're part of the Internet Boom.
--- Roger Morris

The Internet boom has gone bust!
No longer are tech stocks a must!
Dot coms became sickly,
And values dropped quickly,
When the economy's growth bit the dust.
--- Roger Morris

For my stocks I am not very sure
What the upcoming war holds in store.
Of course I will grumble,
If they merely stumble,
But I'll screech if they plunge through the floor.
--- M Silverstein P0304

When governments act laissez-faire,
Bull markets firm up from the bear;
But hands-on techniques
Bring shudders and shrieks
To hot liquid assets you snare.
--- Randog

An investor who's known to be shrewd
Invested in websites ...all lewd;
The sites are stupendous,
With profits tremendous;
And now he's a wealthier dude.
--- Cap'n Bean P0106

I never thought stocks were just surgers;
Another crap shoot for big splurgers.
No one made a mention,
I could lose my pension
And end at Big Mac flipping burgers.
--- M Silverstein P0304

Moaned a broker who lived at UpwelI,
"At this game I shall never excel.
Shares are always sky-high
When I'm wanting to buy,
And low when I'm trying to sell."
--- Archie

Now the market is down quite a lot;
With danger, investing is fraught.
I fear that today
My 401(k)
Has a 201(k) in its spot.
--- Hugh Clary

As I said to myself, it ain't funny,
Reading how on Wall Street things ain't sunny.
I thought, "Seems to me
That you would have to be
Very rich to have lost so much money."
--- Mike Dale

"And a thing to remember, as well,"
I perceived, as I gasped from the smell,
"So the markets been downed --
It'll come back around.
You'll only lose out if you sell."
--- Mike Dale

A 201(k) is still strong;
Don't worry; your plan won't go wrong.
The market, I'm told,
Will level and hold,
But aim to retire half as long.
--- Travis Brasell

Which is all very well if it's true,
But who knows what the market will do?
Will it go up or down?
Will it ever come 'round?
Will those blue-chip stocks always be blue?
--- Mike Dale

"The economy doesn't look sunny,"
I said just this morn to my honey.
"Eat eggs, ham, and cheese
And get fat as you please,
So we'll croak 'fore we run out of money."
--- Jeanie

There was a young gambler named Brock,
Who ordered a bundle of stock.
The stockbroker fumbled;
The stock market tumbled,
And now Mr. Brock is in hock.
--- Donald Edwards

Merrill Lynch broke the rules at their peril.
Their feeble excuses are sterile.
Heavy hand cuffs that pinch
Should await Mr. Lynch;
In addition, they ought to lynch Merrill
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209

An investor, whose sizable pith
Last fall had proved merely a myth,
Grasped noose and a lance,
And took a firm stance
To lynch Merrill, pierce Fenner and Smith.
--- Dan Richards P8805

There was a New Yorker named Slade,
Who worked in the brokerage trade.
He sold bonds and stocks,
And bought gold in blocks.
Wow! Look at the money he made!
--- Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401

There was a young fellow named Nash
Who would only go through it for cash.
Some dames started a pool,
But caught sight of his tool,
And the market declined with a crash.
--- Isaac Asimov

What happened to last year's high fliers,
Ulcerates former stratosphere buyers.
After much hyped renown,
The stock market's marked down.
There's no net when you traipse high wires.
--- Esther Koch P0107

In New York, on the stock exchange floor,
Since the ladies joined in, there is more
Pandemonious strewing
Of clothes and men queuing.
Than in any bare market before.
--- David A Brooks Q

Your mutual funds having doffed;
Buy, buy and then buy Microsoft.
Remember Xerox,
When you, like a fox,
Bought, bought and then bought those shares oft.
--- Anon

Consider the life of Moll Flanders,
Which was spent among harlots and panderers.
'Til that worn-out old bitch
Became suddenly rich,
On a stock-market tip from Ann Landers.
--- Anon

This is file odl

A broker named Sarah yelled: "WOW!"
As she followed the jackrabbit Dow.
She said "I'll sell the GE,
But I like P & G,
And hang on to my mutual funds now."
--- William K Alsop Jr

Initial Public Offering dot com-y.
She plunked down her money without qualmy
When the tech stocks were hot.
Now that NASDAQ's been shot,
She not buying steak, but salami.
--- Lynn Mostafa

There was a stockbroker named Slade,
Who married a lovely young maid.
He fathered three boys
Who make lots of noise,
As he works in the brokerage trade.
--- Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401

A Toast Point reader with insight
Was asked about stocks and to shed light.
I haven't a clue, Sir,
About reading the future,
And have to rely on my sight.
--- Rasta Rickey

Investment in sex would be sin,
Advised the old stockbroker, Flynn.
If it's growth stock you hunt,
Stay away from the cunt,
For you never get out what went in.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2302

The old stockbroker dated Miss Kline
And she said, "Is your stock doing fine?"
He replied, "How surprising!
For a while it was rising,
But I think it is now in decline."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0233

Young Joe stareted more of his ventures;
He gambled in shares and debentures,
And lost all his cash
In a stock market crash;
Now he's trading in second-hand dentures.
--- Peter Wilkins

Let us drink to our CEO Mable;
I must tell you just how she was able
To rise clear to the top
Of the corporate shop:
Her last offer to lay on the table.
--- Armand Singer P0203

Fate's grim finger moves on having writ,
Caring for what it wrote not one whit.
Didn't John Houseman say
Our dough's made the old way,
At Smith Barney, we merely steal it?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0307

"Five billion in damages," sang
Caldera's executive gang.
"We'll show them the code;
This stock will explode!"
But only the gavel went bang.
--- Tubby Bubba

Result of few meetings, ad hoc,
By Milken, the seller of stocks,
Was junk bonds he'd make
With earnings quite fake;
'Twas Wall Street's own PANDORA'S BOX.
--- Chris Papa

Why does Dow Jones gyrate every spring?
Why did Oprah latch onto a king?
If you knew in advance
Would you take a chance;
Try to stop a wild pendulum's swing?
--- Anon

There was a dotcom called Priceline.
In '99, investors did fine.
By '02 they were sad,
'Cause times were real bad,
And its value had steeply declined.
--- Roger H Morris

The stock market experts are saying
That thanks to the Supreme's nay-saying,
On recounts for Gore --
The market will soar.
It had better, for the price we are paying.
--- Election 2000

Trading markets have really been weird,
After CEO's greed first appeared;
A bull or a bear?
Score some most unfair,
With many retirement plans seared.
--- Gene

Though the funds are front loaded, I fear
That the payments would be through my rear.
Broker Sam says, "Please see
How this benefits me --
My son enters Harvard next year."
--- William N Nesbit P0106

The graph's heading downward, you thought;
In that case, you ought to sell short.
So pick up the phone,
Sell what you don't own.
Once price drops, then stock is bought.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I often have sold a stock short
And sometimes, I have to report,
Made out very well --
And lost some, but Hell
Just money, and all in good sport.
--- John Miller

On Wall Street, the bear snarls and snorts;
About margin calls, folks are bad sports;
What we'll see on the NASDAQ's
A grand selling climax,
Followed up by a squeeze on the shorts!
--- Anon

Will the market on Monday be blue?
Dire predictions of crashes come true?
I will bet you somehow
The Expletive "WOW"
Will be used 'fore the session is through.
--- John Miller 0131

Well, the market indeed took a thump
Which the spin-doctors call "just a bump".
So go out tomorrow
With all you can borrow,
And pick up some bargains, you chump!
--- John Miller 0132

If they pay you with options on stock,
The company's going in hock
To you and your peers;
Inspiring fears
That investors are shit out of luck
--- Dr Limerick 12-17-01

Their equity was an illusion;
Always at risk for dilution.
If some lovely day
You'd all call and say
It's time for a strike execution.
--- Dr Limerick 12-17-01

But now, thanks to the S.E.C.
The wage bill is out there to see;
This won't prevent trouble
Or a market bubble,
But we always like transparency.
--- Dr Limerick 12-17-01

A Japenese stockbroker Wen
Knew what stock he should purchase and when,
And he was a success
In his trades in U.S. --
For the dollar he had a strong yen.
--- Al Chaplin P0007

When deciding where best to invest,
Your head can get thoroughly messed.
Love of money's the root
Of all evil, but loot
Grows from taking the right interest.
--- Val Burns P0510Q

The tremor began in Hong Kong
(Unless I am totally wrong)
Then spread, in a flash;
Portending a crash?
We'll know when they strike the big gong.
--- Frank Fazed

There was a young man named Arkell;
The future he tried to foretell.
He sunk all his money
In companies that were funny
And his bank balance started to swell.
--- Anon

Ed's broker is honest. He'll say,
"This stock is the Stock of the Day.
Ed, buy it then after,
I'll buy some (light laughter),
I'll use the commission you pay."
--- Irving Superior P2006

There was a young man from Porthcawl;
He was clever from when he could crawl.
He read not the three bears,
But preferred stocks and shares;
Now he's on that street that's called Wall.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

On Wall Street where Greed is the God,
Where big bank rolls alone, get the nod,
If those fools only knew,
How such thinking's askew;
Addled heads come from ranking ones wad.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0208

Still listening to tales of Miss Muffet?
I have moved to Warren Buffet.
Such useful tools,
His simple rules.
Once learned, you just can't muff it.
--- Gunjan Saraf

The market he called a cash cow,
Said the broker, taking a bow.
He said, "You can't lose,
But look at the news."
So, where the hell art thou now, Dow.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208

Each replay of the greater fool theory,
Makes swooping stock syndrome uncheery.
Up like orangutang,
Down with dross-filled bang,
Huge wipeouts unravel the weary.
--- Esther Koch