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A fellow from far Erewhon,
With girl students, did well, as a don.
"For an alpha", he said,
"A romp on the bed
Was almost a sine qua non."
--- W F N Watson

The man who I call Dr. A.
Is past master at love and at play.
At hugging and kissing --
(The remainder is missing
For I won't give my screts away.)
--- Isaac Asimov

A menial maid in Jakarta
Is getting progressively smarter.
She is studying Shaw
Transferred in her bra,
And a Bartlett's conveyed in her garter.
--- Anon

To Italy went Sinclair Lewis,
Documenting the life led by loose
American drunks,
But he unpacked his trunks,
'Cause Florence slipped him a goose.
--- L1608

The famed author A Solzhenitsyn
Would never eat olives with pits in.
But one day someone said,
"You'd do better with red,"
Now he eats them with pimento bits in.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

A writer whose name was Steinbeck
Wrote of the noble redneck.
Also of mice
And fish once or twice...
Or Hemingway did -- I'll go check.
--- Timothy Torkildson

An ingenious person called Crockett
Ascended to fame like a rocket.
His Minister (Stickit)
Was such a good trick, it
Expanded the publisher's pocket.

(Crockett - Scottish novelist)
--- Punch 1902, Vol 122, p230

A prolific young writer of prose
Could write elegant verse when he chose.
But he went quite insane
When the Public Domain
Stole his writing from under his nose!
--- Don Mulford

There once was the Deuce of a Peke
Whose 'emprise morale' was unique.
It wasn't his size
Made men open their eyes
But his Super-Celestial cheek!
--- Rudyard Kipling1933 P8903

April. Bad month. Visit spa.
Play chess. Meet too fecund Mamma.
Look on undismayed
While typist gets laid.
Jug Jug. Da. Damyata. Ta ta.

(On The Waste Land by T. S. Eliot)
--- Stanley J Sharpless

An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
Saw sartorial changes ahead.
His mind kept on ringing
With fishy girls singing.
Soft fruit also filled him with dread.

(On the 'Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock' by T. S. Eliot)
--- J Walker

In dealing with time it is found
That the future and past move around.
So the present is cast
In the future and past.
It seems we are breaking new ground.

(Burnt Norton by T. S. Eliot)
--- V R Omerod

But Thomas wrote "Under Milk Wood",
Which overall, ain't far from good.
Too much innuendo
Though, means at the end, oh
It don't make you hot as it should.
--- Q

When I sit in the churchyard at Stoke,
I reflect - Class is merely a joke.
Elsewhere I can pass
As good upper class,
But here I'm just one of the folk.

(on Eligy In A Country Churchyard by Thomas Gray)
--- A M Sayers.

In a book that I know, I hate Tess,
Who is not found in Porgy and Bess.
The Lord of the Rings
Is a much better thing,
'Cause I think Thomas Hardy's a mess.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Have you heard of Tolstoi's lovely niece,
A delectable morsel named Lys?
Need I say more?
She was the War,
And Tolstoi was the one got the Piece.
--- Anon A

Turgenev, Ivan then Sergeyevich
Never quite found his one little niche.
Love unrequited,
His homeland benighted...
But he did leave some tales that enrich.
--- Tutta Gioia

The man who wrote Vanity Fair
Had a young life in sad disrepair.
His inheritance lost,
His paintings a frost,
And a wife who went mad...so unfair!
--- TuttaGioia

A Civil War nurse, by name Walt,
Said, "It really isn't my fault.
In wartime, it's clear,
Those we stick in the rear,
Are the sick, and the lame, and the halt."
--- Anon

William Bailey, an author from Nome,
Wrote a book that has critics afoam.
Its content embraces
Society's graces --
Judged as naught but a fine couth tome.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9409

"Political women", thought Yeats,
"Have come to the top of my hates."
His views rested on
His love for Maud Gonne,
Who wouldn't go out on his dates.
--- R K R Thorton

Said Old Nick, "Mr. Lewis and me
Is the best pals that ever was, see?
We both has our loyalties,
We both share the royalties.
I've a very warm corner for he!"
--- M Cassel

Mr Wells of the big cerebellum
Used mountains of paper or vellum.
When his temper gets bad
And we ask "Why get mad?"
He replies "They won't do as I tell 'em."
--- Punch 1925 (Bibby)

There once was a man named Lovecraft
Whose life was incredibly daft.
He knew every hex
But knew little of sex -
Did he know his poor fore from his aft?
--- Neal Wilgus P8205

A cockney whose name was I. Asimov,
Decided one day 'is pants to doff.
'E said, "The girls yawn
When I 'as 'em on,
But they whistle when I 'Asimov.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

About Isaac Asimov, I mention
An idea that leads to contention.
Is he really dead
Or has he gone ahead
On into another dimension?
--- Tom Patton P9806

If I could be King for a day,
I'd pick something more sweet to portray.
There'd be bunnies and fawns
Who frolic on lawns,
While ghouls use their heads for croquet.
--- Larry Hollister

There once was a King from Maine
Who wished to trade money for pain.
So he wrote down words
That tug at the nerves
And stories to drive you insane.
--- Ian Foster

My favorite thriller, by far,
Is "Christine", which was way above par.
Was this car re-possessed?
King, who wrote this blood-fest,
Should have called it "My Murder, da Car".
--- Larry Hollister

Here in Maine, the long winters serene
Turn to white everything that was green.
But a Christmas fest
Just makes me depressed.
How much longer till it's Halloween?
--- Anon

A writer of horror, Steven King,
Would go on a rampage each spring.
He'd chase after a demon
Until it was screamin'
And then he's make love to the Thing.
--- Neal Wilgus P8205

Stephen King's novel, "The Shining",
Is a marvel of story designing.
Never once in this book
Does the man overlook
All the threads of his plot intertwining.
--- Larry Hollister

King's latest flick is a winner;
There's this fat guy who keeps getting thinner.
Even though it's a curse,
And it keeps getting worse,
He can eat Captain Crunch now for dinner.
--- Larry Hollister

This is file nym

He'll scare you right out of your wits
With Creepshow and Carrie and Its.
But the really great thing
'Bout a novel by King,
Is how upright each strand of hair sits!
--- Larry Hollister

Steven King is lying below;
His heart rate has dropped beyond slow.
We're sure that he's dead,
But watch where you tread...
With this guy, you just never know.
--- Frank Fazed

Steven King's now bit the dust, he
Has started to smell very musty.
So now, here he lies
With the other dead guys.
He really is dead now, so trust me.
--- Arden

Grandma's house was a frightening place where
Mounting the dark and foreboding stair,
Leading to upper floors;
We heard moanings, low roars
And weird Stephen King waited there.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0204

Erring writers, your plots I'd submerge in
(Though stylistically, blunders might burgeon);
I would not carp a bit
At the faults you commit,
If you only could flounder like Sturgeon.

(Theodore Sturgeon - classic science fiction writer)
--- Mark Grenier P8211

You remember the Artful Dodger?
A well-hung little codger!
It's true, all right,
Because every bath night,
His Ma would pull him out by his todger!
--- Linda Longprong

A gambler named Oliver Twist
Lost money while playing at whist.
He turned red in the face,
When they all trumped his ace.
Oh boy! Was he ever pissed!
--- William K Alsop Jr

Dickens' villains, immense and intense,
Derived joy from each well planned offense.
Their deeds without remorse
Pointed a steady course
Which to Beelzebub would make sense.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0604

Fagin and Bumble, at the Advent,
Knowing that there was cash to be spent
By both Clergy and Jackson,
They put into action
This advert, "Small boys for sale or rent."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0401

Christmas morning blazed brightly and then,
Old E Scrooge told a boy he'd a yen
To have him buy a bird
For B Cratchet. I've heard
E Scrooge never saw that lad again.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0501

Some of Dickens' folks had a strange bent
For sowing seeds of discontent.
And then there were others
Exercising their 'druthers,
Quite sadistic and malevolent.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0604

Charles Dickens would likely agree,
And Chuzzlewit, too, would decree:
An ass sanctimonious,
Was one of the phoniest
Hypocrites ever we'll see.
--- Anon

In anything written by Dickens,
It's certain the plot always thickens:
With characters, themes,
And digressions, it teems;
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickens.
--- Keith H Peterson

Charles Dickens wrote 'Tale of Two Cities,"
But mentioned not pussy nor titties.
I'm sure you'll concur
When I say I prefer
The bawdier A.J.L. ditties.

(A.J.L. - site on the internet Alt.Jokes.Limericks)
--- Tiddy Ogg

The title "A Tale of Two Cities",
Tends to fill me with numerous pities.
If I had the pickin's
(Instead of Charles Dickens),
I'd call it "One Tail And Two Titties".
--- KS P0001A

The Dickensian borough of Coketown
Would get any sensitive bloke down;
The rigidly trad mind
Of rigid T. Gradgrind,
Is geared to make liberal folk frown.
--- Martin Fagg

I've not had a go yet at Dickens,
But hang on now, don't count your chickens.
His Great Expectations
Is ripe for execrations.
Let's see now. Ah-ha!, the plot thickens.
--- Anon

Pip lived with his uncle, Joe Gargery,
And his aunt, who might well be named Marjorie.
The lad, in poor health
Used to play with himself,
So they thought, on the whole, by and largery...
--- Anon

They'd send him off to an old biddy,
Who fancied a nice young male kiddy,
Name of Anne Hathaway,
Who once had it away,
With Bill Shakespeare, until he got giddy.
--- Anon

And as he walks in with head bowed,
He finds a young tart, oh so proud.
And she is too haughty
To do anything naughty,
Though by heaven she is well endowed.
--- Anon

This strumpet is named Esmeralda,
Not 'Stella as Charlie D. tells ya.
She's been bred for one part,
Just to break poor men's hearts,
But Pip feels his dong growing harder.
--- Anon

Old Hathaway said "Are you able,
Young Pip, to perform on the table?
You could pull down your pants
And do the old dance,
With Esme attached to your cable."
--- Anon

(The old dance, for those too naive,
Is the one that the serpent showed Eve,
Thus she taught her young man
That there's plenty you can
Do well, once you've shed your fig leaves.)
--- Anon

But proud Esmeralda was coy.
She'd not soil herself with this boy.
So he grabbed the old crone,
And showed her his bone,
Which she took with the greatest of joy.
--- Anon

That young lad was what she desired,
So she stripped of what she was attired.
But contact then came
'Twixt her dress and a flame,
Which in turn set the whole place afire.
--- Anon

From then on it is quite a bore;
Young Pip, who has started so poor,
One day in the marsh,
Meets an Aussie called Arch,
And ends up with wealth in great store.
--- Anon

'Cause this character antipodean,
Who fast from the law is now fleein',
Gets Pip a job,
Turns him into a snob,
A prig of a sub-human bein'.
--- Anon

He meets up again with Estelle,
In London town where both now dwell,
But Pip still can't prise
His dong 'twixt her thighs,
'Cause Quasi has now rung her bell.
--- Anon

Now for once Dickens was so witty,
And on Esme taking some pity,
A sequel he wrote,
'Bout the things 'neath her throat,
And he called it The Tale Of Two Titties.
--- Anon

So there in the end I have got,
Almost the whole way through the plot.
I hope Charlie D.
Won't be too hard on me,
When we meet in that place that's so hot.
--- Anon

Dickens' Pip possessed one lasting trait.
He believed life depended on fate.
It was not as he'd thought.
Havisham furnished naught,
Although his expectations were great.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0305

Pip is a friendly young guy
Who gives an escapee meat pie.
Then he's off to the city --
A real snob (more's the pity).
Learns the truth; gets the girl, college try.
--- Arthur Deex P8409

In Dicken's gray world, joyous BLITHESOME
Was limited to the rich lithesome.
While corners drizzly
Are filled with grisly
Scenes of grim reaper's tries to scythe some.
--- Daniel Ford


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