MORE
English Classics Prof 0. Howie Straines, If he saw the telly, Charles Dickens The story of Oliver Twist, The orphan boy, Oliver Twist, An Englishman, Oliver Twist So the story is, Oliver Twist There was an old Scrooge, Ebenezer, Describe Dickens's Tale of Two Cities; There was an old skinflint named Scrooge Old Scrooge wore a smile not a sneer, A witch put a hex upon Sarah, Poor Scarlet's remorse was a sham; Rhett Buttler and Scarlett O'Hara There was a young lady of Tara; More news from the Civil War Era: Here's a toast to Miss Scarlett O'Hara, In Gone With The Wind, all the girls Heaping beans on Rhett's plate, Scarlett grinned, A sensitive virgin of Lynd Scarlett cried, "What shall I do?" An old southern belle know as Lou In the South, it was common enough At war's end, with no bugles, no drums, Our Jude was some kind of a freak (by Thomas Hardy)
To college life still he aspires, Tom Hardy wrote "Jude the Obscure," It seems that some nitwit named Jude I've never read "Jude the Obscure", Well so far nobody's objected; Our Jude was some kind of a freak A strange missle from our young maid She get him hot under the collar. The problem of Bella is: How's Witch Bella, advised by her coven, The pregnancy's phantom, so now, (That gets us to end of Part 1; To college life still he aspires, He shacks up with sweet cousin Sue; And thus he's bemoaning this lack, She's married again, as has Sue, 'Til Bella returns, makes the lunk He's dying, so filled with emotion, She feeds him his own foul brew; And thus ends the whole morbid tale, But if, reader, you're now voracious, To capture the heart of his Lizzie, Fanny Price was prudent and prim; His words, badly done, were so mighty, There once was a young Wentworth called Fred, There was a young filly named Lydia Through rose-colored glasses we're aided, Had Jane Austin been born in Australia, Said a girl in green Mansfield Park, To bring your young life to fruition, (He who dances must pay the piper)
An accomplished you lady named Bingley A modest young lady named Price (If only she'd asked my advice.)
Dear Lizzie is everyone's girl; When Darcy looked closely at Lizzy, When Louisa fell on her head, Naughty Lydia influenced Kitty Mrs Wickham, nee Lydia Bennet, Pride and Prejudice is just one such There was a young lady called Jane When Maria Bertram lost her head Sir Walter of Kellynch was vain, There was a young lady called Jane; Jane Austin's work, in some respects,
Opined Dickens was chief of his banes.
"He penned tortuous plots
But the thing I hate lots,
Where, for God's sake, did he get those names?"
--- L C Fitzhugh P0112
Might say: "Try reading, you chickens!
My works wern't just meant
For Sundays at Lent
And underworked actor's rich pickin's,"
--- Jarmo
In toto, is long but the gist:
A tale of a kid
Who stole what he did
For Fagan who'd always insist.
--- R J Winkler P8409
The pitiless Fates made him grist
For the vile mills of crime;
He'd been rich all that time!
When he found that out, boy!, was he pissed!
--- Robin K Willoughby P8409
Woke up one morn with a cyst.
So he rubbed it with booze,
'Til it started to ooze,
And it vanished. It will not be missed.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Was ahungered, and couldn't subsist;
And was heard to implore,
Oh please, sir, some more.
In seventeen words, that's the gist.
--- Anon
A cold-hearted, miserly geezer,
Who harbored a whim
To molest Tiny Tim,
By luring the lad to his freezer.
--- Hugh Clary
Well, it's not about Hamlets or Mittys,
Much less English bores
Or Croesus-rich whores,
So it's not titled Sale of Two Titties.
--- Armand Singer
Who annointed his nipples with rouge.
"I feel a bit gnarly
But should you see Marley,
He's chained to a sailor in Bruge.
--- Bill Wall
And was filled with Holiday cheer.
For there in the sky,
He saw flying by,
Old Santa and his eight reindeer.
--- Smiley Scrooge
So she thought she was Scarlett O'Hara.
She'd walk around town
In a burdensome gown,
That came from a quite different era.
--- Nick
She played on old Rhett like a ham.
Thought he, "This sly kid'll
Spout bald taradiddle,
And frankly, I don't give a damn!"
--- Jim D
Went to live in the mansion called Tara.
But it just couldn't last
For Rhett had a past
And Scarlett's views were too narrow.
--- Neal Wilgus P8409
Her name it was Scarlett O'Hara.
Thrice taken to bride,
Husbands couldn't decide
If her cunt was too wide or too narra.
--- Nordberg of Sweden
It seems that Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Has petitioned the court
For injuction, to thwart
Colored folks exploiting Tara.
--- Dr Limerick
Who dispensed with her rouge and mascara;
When occasion arose
She shed all her fine clothes
And did chores on all fours around Tara.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8312
Wore crinolines, bustles and curls;
Again and Again
They flirted with men
Who often responded like churls.
--- R J Winkler P8409
Despite his reproach how she'd sinned.
When he'd eaten three helpings,
She heard no more yelpings--
Because he was Gone With The Wind!
--- Vassar W Smith P9504
Observed when she'd sexually sinned:
"If I chance to beget,
This soiree I'll regret,
But my virtue is Gone With The Wind."
--- G1578
And snuffled and wept, "Oh, boohoo..."
"Frankly my dear,
You can get me a beer,
Then take me upstairs for a screw."
--- Tutta Gioia
Was daring Rhett Butler to screw.
He said, "I'm not queer,
But frankly, my dear,
I don't give a shit about you!"
--- Worlds Best Dirty L P9304
For ladies to favor the stuff.
So Rhett Butler was wise
To conceal his surprise,
When Scarlet O'Hara dipped snuff.
--- A N Wilkins P9202
Scarlett's Rhett left her begging form crumbs:
"I'll worry tomorrow",
But this was her sorrow,
"Tomorrow never comes."
--- Ann Gasser P9004
Who liked reading Latin and Greek,
'Til young Arabella
Who fancied that fella,
Employed a strange courting technique.
--- Anon
So it's off to the city of spires,
(That's Oxford to you,)
There meets cousin Sue,
Which lowers scholastic desires.
--- Anon
An off-putting title I'm sure.
But limerickization
For your titillation
Will come 'less you beg me abjure.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Knows nothing of girls rude and crude,
'Til a pig farmer's daughter,
Shows him what he oughter
Have learned, from his sister, the dumb dude.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But continue to pray, I abjure.
I know of course it
Comes from old Dorset,
A county which has some allure.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The theme then will not be rejected,
An so I'll assay
To tell it my way,
With probably more spice injected.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who liked reading Latin and Greek,
'Til young Arabella
Who fancied that fella,
Employed a strange courting technique.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Is cast, and ere he can evade,
A pig's todger flies,
Hits him between the eyes,
And by this love's token, he's swayed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
His notions of being a scholar,
Are now quite forgot.
He's dreaming of twat.
I'm sure you can guess what's to foller.
--- Tiddy Ogg
She going this lump to arouse,
To sexual embrace?
The answer's a chase
Of a pig, plus and egg down her blouse.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file nxm
Declares she'd a bun in the oven,
And ere he can falter,
They're stood at the alter
As statutes and custom then govern.
--- Tiddy Ogg
They have them an almighty row;
The marriage a failure,
She's off to Australia,
So whither our sad hero now?
--- Tiddy Ogg
The other five bits aren't much fun.
Objections, rejections,
Ejections, erections,
Unsatisfied, till all is done.)
--- Tiddy Ogg
So it's off to the city of spires,
(That's Oxford to you,)
There he meets cousin Sue,
Which lowers scholastic desires.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A thing in the end he will rue.
She's quite liberated
And much is debated,
But she's pretty reluctant to screw.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who Io, Arabella swans back,
Which frees his right hand.
In a swift one night stand,
He happily plunders her crack.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So Jude now don't know what to do,
And death and despondency
Plus correspondency,
Plague the whole miserable crew.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Re-wed her by getting him drunk,
But tough luck on she,
No money, for he
Gets sick and he takes to his bunk.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Our Bella now gets the quaint notion,
To walk 'round the block,
To find the quack doc
Who years back sold her a love potion.
--- Tiddy Ogg
It seems that the claims for it's true,
For this fake physician
Adopts the position
To give Arabella a screw.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Which tells us we're all bound to fail.
Unless you have money,
Or if female, a honey,
You'll get by by selling your tail.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For love philtres, proved efficacious,
For just a small fee,
You'll get it from me,
It surely will make you rapacious.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Mr Darcy was kept very busy.
By reforming his way
Before naming the day,
When the Bennets could break out the fizzy.
--- Julia Ermert
Henry Crawford loved on a whim.
But Edmund the fair
Joined Fanny in prayer,
So Henry lost out to a hymn.
--- Julia Ermert
I cannot think of them lightly.
I must make amends
To family and friends,
And win back my dear Mr Knightley.
--- Melissa Kang
Who wanted Anne Elliot to wed.
But the dutiful Anne
Renounced this fine man,
Though he finally got her to bed.
--- Pamela Whalen
And never was a teenager giddier.
She ran off with Wickham,
Who just couldn't pick 'em,
And some thought, he's gonna get rydia.
--- Christine Evans
To see Jane's people paraded.
Their behavior's fictitious
But very delicious;
How different from our world degraded.
--- Shirley Byrne
Would she have had success or failure.
Would her pride turn to prejudice,
Whilst she looked on incredulous,
At the sight of the convicts behavior.
--- Shirley Byrne
"Our Jane is away! What a lark!
Unlike with Miss Austen,
We'll have beaux accostin'
And more, if they're up to the mark."
--- E O Parrot
You must follow your heart's intuition
And your mind's intellection.
You must share your affection
With a man who can pay the musician.
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
Was afraid that she'd have to live singly.
So she set her cap
For a rich handsome chap;
The thought of his wealth made her tingly.
--- Marjorie Jones
Was ever so humble but nice;
When a charmer pursued her
And ardently wooed her,
She put it all down to his vice.
--- Anon
Her wit and her charm make us whirl.
Darcy feels he's above her,
But can't help but love her;
Then knows he has captured a pearl.
--- Hilary Rudden
His heartbeats went into a tizzy.
She wasn't so struck with him;
And wouldn't have truck with him;
Till the sight of his pile made her dizzy.
--- Christine Evans
They all were afraid she was dead.
Mary set up a wail,
Captain Wentworth turned pale,
But it all turned out well for dear Fred.
--- Marjorie Jones
With tales of high times in the City.
But Mr Bennet said "No!
You are never to go
Until you become wiser and witty."
--- Hilary Rudden
Ran off with her man in a sennight.
How the other two sisters
Procure their misters,
Is told us my clever Miss Tennant!
--- Julia Ermert
Wordy novel where emotions clutch.
Fulfillment of his life
Suffered self-induced strife.
Mr. Darcy brooded overmuch.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0512Q
Who lived a short life not in vain.
She wrote with such style,
Wit, irony, guile,
That the fame of her name shall remain.
--- Marjorie Jones
Playing Agatha, mother of Fred,
Mr Rushworth adoring
But so dull and boring,
Couldn't keep her from Henry's bed.
--- Pamela Whalen
In fact, he was rather a pain.
His actions were rash,
He squandered his cash,
Though handsome, he hadn't a brain.
--- Christine Evans
Read Burney, but never in vain.
Changed her epistolary form,
Took the whole world by storm.
Gave us six of the best! So thanks, Jane.
--- Marjorie Jones
Seems preoccupied with repressed sex.
And at times it abounds,
To the point it astounds,
With sentences compound complex.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
MORE