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Elizabeth Elliot was proud; With ATTIC SALT a rich humor vein, The old English writers I've slaughtered, Alcott, Twain and Beecher Stowe, So come, let our story begin... "Come on, Tom," says Huck, the young hippy, They snuck round to Tom's Uncle's cabin, They crept to the river so cold, They eagerly studied the diff- Were the boobs on that model girl real, or To that ship their small craft was unsighted, Dame Fortune the foolish caresses, So in this lone place quite benighted, These jessies now start to explore, Were Tom's next words ornithological? These four, as I guess you all knew, What followed from this assignation, With all of this junk I'm now bored, One point: if it seems at first sight, There once was a little old lawyer, Huck Finn, on the river a spell, Huck Finn is a novel with plot, I think you're confusing his claim. "I was born," snapped Clemens, a hack, "With tariffs today everywhere, Mark Twain was a mop-headed male, There once was a writer name Twain. There once was a writer named Clemens, Though Dickens and Hardy may bore yer, Sam Clemens -- a pen name he got On the farm, there's an ominous sign There once was a man called Jones, Along came Major, a boar, After the humans were gone, The pigs quickly rose to the top, A windmill was 'bout to be built, All of the laws had been changed; The food supply was getting low, Because he was tainted by money, Burmese Days is a George Orwell story If you're wanting the end of the war, well There's no doubting Orwell was a seer Big Brother has struck once again, Big Brother was mad -- he was pissed. Big brother again has come through There once was a child who said, "How (Animal Farm)
Dear Child, you will surely allow For decades of frenzied obsession Doublethink is a code we deplore, In Iran and Beirut things went sour, It's conceded by all those 'au courant' Other hints may be found here and there. And a vacuous few may beseech How could Orwell have been so mistaken? An unperson from West Oceania 'Parsifal' was a faggoty knight 'Taras Bulba' was an ugly old fart Count Tolstoi, a thinker of note, 'Seven Pillars of Wisdom', they say Henry Miller of literary fame H. Spencer Ashbee, oil-seller, There was a young guy they called Psycho I once wrote a novel called PSYCHO -- I've studied the depths of life's woes To add to life's woes in this dwelling, In Samoa the girls wear grass skirts
Mary complained very loud.
Sir Walter was vain
Mrs Clay sadly plain,
And Wentworth stood out from the crowd.
--- Pamela Whalen
Along with loud laughter's refrain.
I've found in the past
In the good words amassed,
By that crusty old gent, Mark Twain.
--- Chris Papa
Told Dickens and Doyle like they oughta d-
One, now I'll see
If Americans three,
Can also be hung, drawn, and quartered.
--- Tiddy Ogg
All wrote the same stuff, don't you know.
So this compilation,
Or agglomeration,
Will sort them all out in one go.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Tom Sawyer and Huckleb'ry Finn,
Were laid on their bunks,
As drunk as two skunks...
They'd been at Aunt Polly's sloe gin.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"We'll borrow a boat that's quite nippy,
That'll be a fine stunt.
We'll take Old Ben's punt,
And sail down the great Mississippi."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And while the old fella was nappin',
Some bottles of corn
Liquor, and plenty porn
Magazines they were stealthily grabbin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Found a punt, hitched it free, and then poled
Out into the lake...
Then their first big mistake,
They opened a mag's centerfold.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Erences that girls had, and stiff-
ened down in their pants,
And gave not a glance
At the path being took by their skiff.
--- Tiddy Ogg
False? Gee, they'd both like to peel her
Of clothing, though few
That just hid from view...
Then along came a mighty stern-wheeler.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And the boys too engrossed to be frighted,
In the water were thrown,
Losing pics, booze and bones,
But soon on an island alighted.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Her plenitude now will impress us,
For our shivering pair,
Find piled neatly there,
Silk panties, plus bras and fine dresses.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With limited choice they've decided,
These garments to don,
And pulling them on,
Our heroes become quite excited.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And just round the bend they find four
Young ladies, quite grand,
Laid out on the sand,
Whose beauty they cannot ignore.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Perhaps you think meteorological?
"Hey Huck, I spy fun,
Naked birds in the sun!"...
I think they were fornicological.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Were Amy, Beth, Jo and sweet Sue,
They arose with a squeal,
And their laughter did peal:
"It's the Nancy boys, where's Hardy Drew?"
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'll leave unto your 'magination.
Suffice it to say,
That the rest of the day
Resulted in much procreation.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But I trust that you may well applaud,
The rhymes that I shunt, [shunned]
For Huck, and the punt,
By luck and the grace of the Lord.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That the names that I give aren't quite right,
Of those four little women,
Who naked were swimming,
I'm trying to skirt copyright.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who sued Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer
On behalf of Ms. Thatcher.
They said when they catch 'er,
Huck watched what Tom did her -- the voyeur!
--- Marlene Lewis
Found freedom, gave freedom as well.
He cast off the yoke
Of respectable folk,
Scaling heaven assenting to hell.
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
And its language! -- I like it a lot;
As for Finnegans Wake,
Huck return for Christ's sake!
And redeem us from Aunt Polly-glot!
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
He'd a speech defect, using his name.
He couldn't pronounce R's;
When he met gals in bars,
He boasted: "I go like a twain!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
When dying and flat on his back,
"With Halley's Comet!
I'm going out on it,
But then we're coming right back!"
--- P8211
If there's one foreign product they spare
From duty assessed,"
Mark Twain said he guessed,
"It must be the answer to prayer."
--- A N Wilkins P9008
Whose narratives sparkled like ale.
And this Prince of the Grin
Who once fathered Huck Finn,
Can still hold the world by the tale!
--- W S Burgess P9611
Who had a peculiar stain,
Surrounding the head,
Of his prick: It was red,
And 'twas said to wash off in the rain.
--- L1651
Whose balls were a pair of large lemons.
To flavor his tea,
He would jack off with glee,
And drink it down, 'tremens et gemens'.
--- L1652
Twain's dead, and so can't call a lawyer.
You surely can't fail,
To make some ribald tale,
About Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer.
--- Anon
From terms of the river, but not
From being a stud,
Or he'd be called Bud
Or Travis or surely, "Mark Twat."
--- Travis Brasell
That's supposed to keep livestock in line;
"Four legs good, two legs bad,"
Was the motto we had;
What to do with this fifth leg of mine:
--- Robin K Willoughby P8409
Who was despised right down to his bones.
He gave labor grueling,
With no time for cooling.
He cause many disgruntled groans.
--- Anon
Attention was what he did lure.
His speech held inspiration,
Hope of less perpiration,
And of rebellion he was sure.
--- Anon
This is file nwm
The animal's party was on.
They knew what to do.
They would savor their coup.
Yet they all still awoke at dawn.
--- Anon
Determined to not be a flop.
They set up great rules
And rejected the tools.
The Utopia would soon stop.
--- Anon
But perfection was starting to wilt.
When Snowball was banished,
The old rules had vanished,
And the pigs were then sleeping on quilts.
--- Anon
The pigs started acting real strange.
Napoleon led,
Fact was all that he said,
And freethinkers were always estranged.
--- Anon
As animals dreamed of long ago.
The pigs started drinking;
The morale was sinking,
And the humans were no longer the foe.
--- Anon
Napoleon was not as sweet as honey.
He carried a whip.
The facade was a gyp,
With pigs and men playing gin rummy.
--- Anon
Of a perplexed young fellow named Flory
Who does himself dead
With a shot in the head;
A tale that's both tragic and gory.
--- Alexander Baron
It was all predicted by Orwell;
In 1984,
Oceania's war
Went on just as long as it wore well.
--- Dr Limerick 02-08-02
To get the date right, at that year.
You're numbered, computed,
No detail's excluded.
The Big Brother era is here.
--- Willian S Bavin P8411
As he does, time to time, now and then
And there is no release
From his hot thought police
Who are might with both sword and pen.
--- Neal Wilgus P8411
Get that Smith. Bring him here, Brother hissed.
And soon Smith loved Brother
Just like his own mother,
But he wasn't quite sure what he'd missed.
--- Neal Wilgus P8409
Which is why we all love him, it's true.
And he'll never cease
All our thoughts to police!
How he does it, we haven't a clue...
--- Neal Wilgus P8411
A spider, a goose, and a cow
Can have equal delights
And identical rights
Without civil war, or a row?"
--- Miadesnia
Sound sense in our reasoning now;
Though each equals me,
I'm more equal than he.
So I'm boss. Yours contentedly, Cow
--- Miadesnia
With the spectre of nascent oppression
End this year with relief,
As we ask "Where's the grief?"
We've disproved Orwell's somber impression.
--- Mel Lewis P8411
Though the ultimate weapon of war
With its "Peacekeeper" label,
Prompts thoughts of a table
We may have read somewhere before.
--- Mel Lewis P8411
But they led to our noblest hour:
The Grenada invasion
Gave cause for elation
By proving we're still a world power.
--- Mel Lewis P8411
That policemen now search without warrant.
In the view of the courts,
From the latest reports,
Inconveniencing cops is abhorrent.
--- Mel Lewis P8411
Every person who travels by air,
Has his luggage X-rayed
And the contents displayed
To a stranger's inquisitive stare.
--- Mel Lewis P8411
Limitations on government's reach
Toward preventive detention
And wiretap extension,
But unbroken eggs can't yield quiche.
--- Mel Lewis P8411
For a long time, he had us all shaken.
But his nightmare prediction
Was nothing by fiction.
Oh, how soothing to finally waken.
--- Mel Lewis P8411
For self-whipping developed a mania.
Picture then his elation
At the Thought-Police Station,
When they said: "Give it up or we'll cane ya'!"
--- C Vita-Finzi
Who knew how to shoot swans in flight.
But when Kundry gave in,
And turned up her quim,
He turned down her offer outright.
--- G2437
Who blasted his son clean apart,
When the boy tried to dick
Some cute polish chick
Who had captured his wild Russian heart.
--- G2438
When young was a raunchy old goat.
But as he grew older,
His ballocks grew colder,
And of sinners repentant he wrote.
--- G2439
Is a volume exceedingly gay.
To put it quite blunt,
Lawrence hated a cunt:
He preferred it the pederast's way.
--- G2440
Thought the words in most novels too tame.
So he ran quite amuck
Writing cunt, shit, and fuck,
And others too nasty to name.
--- G2441
Was a rather cunt-crazy old feller.
He hated his wife,
Let a wild 'Secret Life',
Which today has become a best seller.
--- G2442
Who liked to stay home and said, "Why go?"
Said his friend, Robert Bloch,
"You're just like your cock --
You go up, you go down, You're a high-low."
--- Neal Wilgus P8211
The result of injecting a hypo.
Then I wrote PSYCHO TOO
And you see what they do --
My title gets botched with a typo!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To pinpoint what causes the throes
Of trouble and strife,
That happens in life,
And I must conclude that it's prose.
--- Travis
A second cause comes for the telling;
Along with all prose
As everyone knows,
Are surely the woes of misspelling.
--- Travis
And there aren't any fruits or perverts.
There's no competition
Or even ambition;
Adolescence without any hurts.
--- Arthur Deex P8409
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