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This idyllic myth has been blown. The crime writer pondered in bed; In truth, though, the crime writer's lot If poisoned, by whom and with what? Edward Goery has gone to his rest; To his writings, I'll always aspire; James Fennimore Cooper's a name What! Captured by Indians again? His characters mangle their words He thinks girls are all weak and quiet. Now please let me settle this straight. Oh terror! Oh horror! Oh spite! In Lonesome Dove lived some good folk; His true love of life was named Clara; Encounters came with old Blue Duck, When Clara got home, she said, "Whew! A young woman named Hester Prynne Although Hester's own pastor possessed her, No other author's amassed (The telephone book)
The author, one critic exclaims, It was hard on Apollo, I thought, An odd English sculptor named Keith, BAS-RELIEF of nude, in the past, A sculptor who lived in St Johns An artist bizarre of Clonsast, There was an old sculptor named Gust A horny young sculptress called May There was a young sculptor from China, Said a Parisienne of the highlife, For sculpture that's really first class, There was a young man in Hobart, Young Debbie, beneath her pristine Professing her shock and abhorrence A Yellowknife miner named Dan Stanley, that anal young fool A budding young artist named Gray A sculptor who lived in Calais When a simple old maid named Moncrieff The prized Grecian urn was quite rare -- In all the Grecian metropolis, There was that Greek sculptor, Pygmalion, There once was a great carving master, A sculptor named Hand, in concrete The King saw this sculpture so grand, An entrancing young girl of Savannah A sculptor of note name of Jacques, To make statues is easy of course; There once was a sculptor of mark, (about Epstein and his 'Rima')
The snow sculpture penis looked nice, Bill was sculpting a statue called Teddy; A sculptor in far Nova Scotia Leonardo Da Vinci's art funder, The works in the Louvre ain't charmless, Michangelo's David 'tis known While humming "Andante Cantabile," My totem's a fine piece of art; A pornographer came to great grief, Chihuly's art's beyond the pale, A bashful young artist named Day Said the art critic Chauncey McNaught, The David statue, World War II, When the stature of DAVID was crated (Dr. Limerick's improvements)
A statue that stands in Des Moines My horny old aunt Antoinette Michaelangelo Horsepecker Dwight An impressionist sculptor named Routh Two profs were confused by a totem
Samoa is just like back home.
There is mayhem and crime
And strife all the time.
Is it nurture or nature alone?
--- Arthur Deex P8409
Which character next to be dead?
While plot lines are brewing,
His pencil he's chewing,
And filling himself full of lead.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Is to hone his nefarious plot.
Should the victem be strangled,
Be poisoned or mangled
Or stabbed in the back or be shot?
--- Peter Wilkins
And if stabbed, which particular spot?
Or if shot, was it angled?
If mangled, how mangled?
Or maybe if strangled, what knot?
--- Peter Wilkins
With his presence, we surely were blest;
For his writing was fine,
His perception: divine,
And his artwork, was truly the best.
--- Cap'n Bean P2005
Of his drawings, I never shall tire;
Ogdred Weary is gone,
But his work lingers on;
He's a fellow I'll always admire.
--- Cap'n Bean P2005
That is set in American fame.
Well, 'tis just my fate,
He's an author I hate,
For his writing is terribly lame.
--- K O'Keefe
Well, what else from Fennimore's men?
I'll cover my eyes
And give out the sighs;
If this ever ends, please say when.
--- K O'Keefe
In piffle 'bout buffalo herds.
While they hide out in grass
That won't cover their ass.
I say that this book's for the birds.
--- K O'Keefe
I'm sorry, I simply won't buy it.
If I cannot flee
This idiocy,
This man may soon cause me to riot!
--- K O'Keefe
There are very few authors I hate.
But this Fennimore man,
If ever I can,
I will have his head served on a plate.
--- K O'Keefe
No matter how much I may fight,
Just to pass this Lit class,
I must get down to brass
Tacks and finish this paper tonight.
--- K O'Keefe
At night they would play cards and joke.
But old Gus McCrea
Would just slip away
And go into town for a poke.
--- Travis Brasell
In youthful days she was much fairer;
But when she grew older
One day old Gus told her,
"Your top lip is covered with hair!"
--- Travis Brasell
An injun who wore out his luck.
One day by the shore,
He chased the old whore
And caught her and gave her a fuck.
--- Travis Brasell
Blue Duck he pokes better than you.
On his reservation,
For your information,
My bottom lips are hairy, too.
--- Jeanie
Is induced by her pastor to sin,
But, branded by letter,
She grows better and better,
While he grows increasingly thin.
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
The way she faced up to it blessed her.
When they said, "Mistress Prynne,
You've committed a sin,"
'Twas a red letter day for our Hester.
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
So large and so varied a cast,
But of action or plot
I can find not a jot.
Best seller! Not destined to last!
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
Is a master of numbers and names!
But reading the numbers
Conduces to slumbers
And the mind skips about among names.
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
When the workman who shifted him caught
And broke off his penis,
Out of malice of meanness,
And shipped him to England with naught.
--- G2057
Caught humping a lamb on the heath,
Blurted out, "I've a part
In the service of art.
I'm at work on a baa-baa relief
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
If frontal or side view is cast,
At best could just show
In regions below,
A view best considered, half-assed.
--- Chris Papa
Cast two little ducklings in bronze,
And rented them out
To Gladys Swarthout,
Although she preferred Lily Pons. (Opera singer 40's-50's)
--- Limber Limericks
With his work, made the public aghast,
Till they burned it in pits,
With this crack from the wits:
"His art's in the right place at last."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Who thought he might carve a great bust.
On the very last stroke,
The crazy thing broke,
And poor Gust was left standing in dust.
--- Anon
Fashioned souvenir peckers of clay,
From the dongs of those guys
Who once plundered her thighs,
And were too bloody stingy to pay.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who liked his port to be finer.
So the girlfriend he chose,
Had to undress and pose
While he sculpted a china vagina.
--- Kevin's Limerick Page
"How boring is life with a figleaf.
Let us hie to the Louvre
And from every chef d'oeuvre, (masterpiece)
Remove with a chisel the big leaf.
--- Conrad Aiken
You need form, composition, and mass.
To do a good Venus,
Just leave off the penis,
And concentrate all on the ass.
--- L1449A
Who liked to create works of art.
So modern was he,
And so hefty his fee,
He conned all but the poor and the smart.
--- Don Humphries
Looking virginal innocent mien,
Had these nympho-like manic
And seething volcanic
Desires to be awful obscene.
--- Peter Wilkins
At viewing young David in Florence,
She secretly groped
At his willy and hoped
That it'd stiffen and jism in torrents.
--- Peter Wilkins
This is file nvm
Baked all of his bread in a pan.
It was always like lead
So he carved it instead;
Now it's Eskimo art in Japan.
--- Catherine Stephenson 116b
Made sculptures out of his stool.
His version of 'The Thinker'
Was really a stinker,
But his bust of Madonna was cool!
--- John Chastaine
Was sculpting a model in clay;
"Remember, my dear,"
He said with a leer,
"I'm a novice who's feeling his way."
--- Lims Unlimited
Could never resist a good lay.
When warned he should quit it,
He said, "I admit it,
I should, but I have feet of clay."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9607
Saw Apollo in stone, dressed so brief,
She exclaimed in dismay,
He would be a great lay,
But how do you fuck with a leaf?
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1886A
Wholly owned by one millionaire --
When the Red Guards
Smashed it to shards,
Every comrade got his fair share.
--- Laurence Perrine Lib Lim
There was only one virgin, Papapoulos.
But her cunt was all callous
From fucking the phallus,
Of a god that adorned the Acropolis.
--- L1305
Whose talent was almost Daedalian;
He toasted a statue,
"Well, here's looking at you,"
And groped it in ways Bacchanalian.
--- Armand E Singer 404
Who poured him a mold full of plaster.
When he broke the mold,
Three boobs did he hold;
"Damn -- That's not the way that I cast her!"
--- Anon
A sculpture produced, fine and neat.
By his feet it was made
And in public displayed
As the marvelous handwork of feet.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2514
And he praised it throughout the whole land.
The Queen handed a treat
To young Hand for his feat,
And she call it the feetwork of Hand.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2515
Would parade in a skimpy bandana.
A sculptor came by --
She gave him the eye,
So he got out his tool and began her.
--- Keith MacMillan A038A
A beautiful tree carved in rock.
It was stately and fine
And a novel design,
For he hid every leaf with a cock.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1041
On a large block of granite, use force.
Just chisel away
Through the night and the day,
The material which is not a horse.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2523
Who was chosen to brighten Hyde Park.
Some thought his design
Most uncommonly fine,
But most like it best in the dark.
--- Punch 1925 (Bibby)
It was tall and was hardened by ice,
But the cops deemed it rude --
Inappropriate, lewd;
So they bashed it, without thinking twice.
--- Cap'n Bean P0102
The bottom part almost was ready.
A slip of the file;
He pondered a while,
Then continued his statue called Betty.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0205
Behaved in a manner not koshia.
When a statue of Nancy
Excited his fancy,
He used a large chisel to brotia. (broach her?)
--- Hugh Oliver 23b
For cannons the bronze had to plunder.
But though, much belated,
The art's now created
A giant equestrian wonder!
--- Prof M-G
So why not go look? It's quite harmless.
There's lots that's beguiling,
Like Mona, who's smiling,
And Venus de Milo, who's armless.
--- Anon
Could outlast all others when blown.
He was saved, I am sure,
From delight premature,
Protected by foreskin of stone.
--- Dick Buenger P9006
A sculptor constructed a mobile.
When it failed to revolve,
He made this resolve,
"I really must build them more wobile."
--- Anon
It truly is dear to my heart.
You have it pegged wrong;
It's big, hard and long;
As totems go, it stands apart.
--- Anon
Displaying works in BAS-RELIEF.
The clergy objected,
Since what was projected
was done so without a fig leaf.
--- Chris Papa
And when asked, he replied without fail,
"Yes I, with younger folk,
Did enjoy the odd toke,
But when blowing glass, didn't inhale."
--- Loren Fitzhigh P0605
Was sculpting a model in clay;
"Remember, my dear,"
He said, "while you're here,
We must both look the opposite way."
--- Limber Limericks
Critiquing a sculpture I bought,
"It's an awkward dimension,
Reflects painful tension,
To the point, the iron seems overwrought.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9707
For safety's sake, was hid from view.
And in its place stood I,
My body white with dye.
(In war one does what one can do.)
--- Irving Superior P8901
And hid till the battle abated,
I stood there in its stead
Painted white, toe to head,
What the hell -- all the Wops were elated.
--- Arthur Deex P8911
Is a man with a slot in his groin;
He pops an erection
And points the direction,
Whenever you insert a coin.
--- Cap'n Bean
Inspected me through her lorgnette:
"Your prick's unsurpassed!
I must take a cast!
It'll make such a fine statuette!"
--- Tutta Gioia
Is a chip off the old block, all right.
He sculpts putty and Venuses,
And shy lads whose penises
He tucks under leaves, out of sight.
--- G2324
Worked in marble, that's mined in the south.
"Perfect woman," said he,
"Was sculpted by me;
She has two vaginas, no mouth."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0406
About which an Exkimo wrote 'em.
It was forty feet high,
Had one gorgeous blue eye,
And the rest was all balls, prick, and scrotum.
--- G2532
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