The HAIKU, that Japanese sport,
Is seventeen syllables short.
A limerick's song
Has double as long,
In which for two folks to disport.
--- Nick

A limerick is usually rude;
Sometimes it is even quite crude;
But now I propose
That somebody compose
A haiku that's funny and lewd.
--- Anon

Do I like those haikus? Yes, ever!
They just need some thought that's clever.
Needing not rhythm nor rhyme,
They require just some time.
But give up on limericks? No, Never!
--- Monique de Plume

I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And High diddle diddle
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste!
--- W S Gilbert

There was a young man named McNamiter,
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
But it wasn't the size
Gave the girls the surprise,
But his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
--- L0194A

A wonderful thing is the limerick,
But its consequence is a slimmer chick.
For when she's in verse,
Her appetite's worse
(Which also accounts for my slimmer dick).
--- Macsam

It's doggerel only I send.
It's doggerel only I've penned.
Catechism I shun --
Too rigid, no fun.
It's doggerel, man's better friend.
--- Laurence Perrine P8307

There's a ponderous pundit MacHugh
Who wears goggles of ebony hue.
As he mostly sees double
To wear them why trouble?
I can't see the Joe Miller. Can You?
--- James Joyce P9008

Conversation I heard after class:
"Why's the bookstore so crowded?" "I pass."
"There's a book they all want."
"Is Monica on it?"
"No, they're snapping up Walt's 'Leaves of Grass'!"
--- Prof M-G

The lim and the sonnet and ode
All take a very different road.
The lines and the rhymes
And the rhythmical chimes
Are fixed and are set for each mode.
--- Archie

Who does not love the poet Bill Yates?
Who'd refuse him his place 'mid the greats?
Oh, those poems filled with porn,
Or the one showing scorn,
For some hooker who just raised her rates.
--- Armand Singer

Milton's "Paradise Lost" explained,
Women's subjugation's ordained;
And when his wife died,
He sat down and cried,
And then wrote "Paradise Regained."
--- David Miller

There was a young poet of Thusis,
Who took twilight walks with the Muses.
But these nymphs of the air
Are not quite what they were,
And the practice has led to abuses.
--- L Reed (L Untermeyer?)

I'm not really much of a fan
Of poems with no rhyme in their plan.
But there's nothing worse
Than to read someone's verse
And finding the lines do not scan.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9509

This poetry, I thought at first glance,
Is timely, and maybe enchants.
People may recognize
That it warrants a prize,
But I don't think that it stanza chance.
--- Kirk Miller

No editor normally seeks
To publish books cherished by freaks;
The market, they say,
Is too small to pay--
So one may as well stick with Doc Deex.
--- Norm Storer P9507

Sternly warned that the magazine
Is quite choosy 'bout what lies within,
My face was quite red
When the editor said,
"All verse here must be strictly clean!"
--- Phil T

I thought she was being contrary.
She said, "This is a mag literary,
And content obscene
Would cause quite a scene.
Your naughty verse is just too scary."
--- Phil T

Gentle readers, I was quite distraught;
Clenching fists, I said "This shall be fought!"
She said "Why don't you
Write a nice Haiku",
So my anger had all come to naught.
--- Phil T

But why deviate from the norm?
The next day I wrote up a storm.
With eyes heavenbent,
I hereby present
My resonse in my favorite form.
--- Phil T

There once lived a poet named Jeux,
Who only composed in Haiku.
But for all of the praise,
For his wit and set phrase,
He's read less than he is reviewed.
--- Phil T

If money to me you'd disburse
For odes that were raunchy or worse,
In that case, I should say
In my deviant way,
I guess that my pay'd be per verse.
--- Kirk Miller Dick Hull?

Who is that, whom I hear on the door knock?
The PESTILENT person from Porlock!
He'd have pox on his skin
And a plaque on his kin,
If I were a wizard or warlock.
--- Eva Amata

When approached by a person from Porlock,
It is best to take time by the forelock.
Shout, "I'm not at home,
Till I've finished this poem!"
And refuse to unfasten the door-lock.
--- Richard Leighton Greene

Said a pornographistic young poet,
"Although I perhaps do not show it,
My interest in sin,
Is wearing quite thin,
And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it.
--- Anon

This limerick's FIRST is a letter.
Her heralds B, C, D or better.
Excitable, snappish,
Coleric as crap (pish!):
His SECOND's limerical fetter.
--- Michael Polo P8606

And when a clock's tocking is heard
Rebutting this sound is his THIRD.
A puzzle, it's true.
Damn tricky one, too...
ENTIRETY's that type of word.

(answers 1. ACROSSTIC 2. THE CHARADE [read down])
--- Michael Polo P8606

A raffine poet named Partz,
Took a rather high view of the arts.
He was quick to proclaim
His hard gemlike flame,
But the best he could manage was quartz.

(raffine - ? raffish - unkempt, tawdry)
--- John Ciardi

Limericks are poems, you nerd!
And poetry's meant to be heard!
So read it aloud!
Alone -- if you're proud!
But so you can hear every word.
--- Larry J Davis P8412

If I had a girl named Delores,
I would change my first name to Morris.
I would write poems of love;
They'd be sexy, sort of,
And these names rhyme quite well with clitoris!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I bought it expecting suspense;
The let-down was quick and immense;
Though it rhymed very well,
And the words sounded swell,
Not a page of it make any sense.

(A Rhyming Dictionary)
--- Laurence Perrine P8409

The Voyage of the Ancient Mariner;
Two guys and a gal -- they were sharin' her.
'Tis true that the crew
Was bigger than two,
But more would have too much wear on her.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

Having rid Hamelin town of its vermin,
And been tricked by a noddy in ermine,
He lured girls and boys
With his pipe's pleasant noise.
Where they went, not a soul can determine.
--- Ted Thompson

This is file nim

If you find for your verse, there's no call,
And you can't afford paper at all,
For the poet true-born,
However forlorn,
There's always the lavatory wall.
--- Anon G1365

It may seem amusing and neat
To tackle this challenging feat,
In extra-fast times,
But all the best rhymes
Are those that you slowly accrete.
--- Rory Ewins

Sometimes when I sit by the sea,
The sound of the waves breaking free,
Relaxes my mind
And induces a kind
Of transcendent reality.
--- Bob D

On the ground lay the needles of pine,
Gently dappled in sunlight so fine.
As I walk 'neath the trees
In the late summer breeze,
I am grateful this moment is mine.
--- Cap'n Bean P0510Q

Winter's gone--ain't that some thing.
Birds are again on the wing!
But something's so odd,
I gotta ask God:
What have you done with our Spring?
--- Ogden Nield

There's a slow tolling bell in the dark,
As the keepers are clearing the park.
Like a desert, it's bare
And each tree and each chair
Is a blurred indeterminate mark.
--- Gavin Ewart

Life is sad and so slow and so cold
As the leaves that were green turn to gold,
As the lonely lake fills
And there's ice in the hills
And the long loathly winter takes hold...
--- Gavin Ewart

I wandered alone as a cloud,
And my feet pushed their way through a crowd
Of vile yellow weeds,
That nobody needs;
Those damned things should not be allowed.
--- Tutta Gioia

As I ambled along like a clod,
Those disgusting daffs I now trod.
With their foul slimy sap,
They really are crap;
I'll trample the bastards, by God!
--- Tutta Gioia

And those bloody clouds are a pain.
Yes, now it's beginning to rain.
I should be indoors
With a couple of whores.
They wouldn't be taxing my brain.
--- Tutta Gioia

Why did I come to Grassmere.
The countryside's so bloody drear.
I should be in town
At the old Rose and Crown,
with a couple of pints of good beer
--- Tutta Gioia

And as for the fish in this lake,
No sign of a salmon or skate.
Just a minnow or sprat,
Not fit for the cat.
I could do with a good fillet steak.
--- Tutta Gioia

It's all due to my sister Dot,
That we're in this infernal spot.
She said she'd give head
When we went to bed,
But so far, the bitch, she has not.
--- Tutta Gioia

Xanadu's too expensive for Khan;
He's at work on converting a barn.
But there's talk of a dome,
And of rivers that roam,
Then drop down to an underground tarn.
--- Anon

A dome and some caves cut in ice,
Some rocks and a fountain sound nice;
But Alf -- he's the chippie --
Says Khan is quite dippy!
It still can't be done at that price!
--- Anon

My poetic muse now is dry
And no matter how hard that I try,
It just seems that today
I have nothing to say.
So for that I do apologi.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

My manner was that of a boar,
But, please know with verses I soar.
Such a poor introduction!
I owe you a reduction,
And hope that this time I don't roar.
--- Q

There once was a person named Book
Who came to this place for a look.
But naught could be worse
Than a page of blank verse,
Which makes him an obvious schnook!
--- Observer

I guess that's what's known as blank verse;
To suffer from such is a curse.
The solution I find
Is to creep up behind,
And have a good grope with my nurse.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A couplet and three of quatrain
Would most surely damage my brain.
Five lines is the limit
Of grey matter in it;
Any further would all be in vain!
--- Doug Harris P0505

Verse; a la form villanelle
Has blown my 5-liners to hell.
A quatrain and five tercets
Will show me no mercies;
I'm out of my depth (can you tell?).
--- Doug Harris P0505

There once was a fellow named Clerihew,
Who thought that but three was a very few.
While reaching to five
He'd never quite strive;
Insisting, "I really must hurry you!"
--- Doug Harris P0504

As you know, the most typical clerihew
Is an epitaph sort of a merry brew.
If you state, "Evidently,
It's a car, like a Bentley,"
Such a follly's enough -- well -- to bury you.

(invented by Edmond Clerihew Bentley)
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8404

Double dactyls are really quite fabulous;
They ain't extinct birds, they're syllabulous.
They're very effectuous
In helping make sexuous,
A limerick thats otherwise drabulous.
--- Anon

There once was a lady gorilla
Who went by the name of Priscilla...
(If anyone knows,
Tell how this verse goes --
I haven't the faintest scintilla.)
--- R J Winkler P8408

This book on erotical theme
Contains a poem, "Doigts Obscene,"
The which, who can doubt,
Is the author's bold shout
How he felt up some twats "boheme."
--- G2736

With elegant timbre sublime,
I embark, and bite into rhyme;
Ever suave, ever subtle,
My puns never scuttle;
'Tis in-F-able verse every time.
--- Laurence Perrine P8604

Humtydump Dublin squeaks through his norse
Humtydump Dublin hath a horrible vorse
And with all his kinks english
Plus his irismanx brogues
Humtydump Dublin's grandada of all rogues.
--- James Joyce P9008

I dreamed I had struck a bonanza,
And would write me an extravaganza.
Like Wordsworth or Browning;
No more silly clowning;
But all I could write was this stanza.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Observed a verse monger named Cash,
Whose maxims were candid if rash,
"I've no talent, few skills,
And my rhymes pay no bills,
But who steals my poems steals trash."

(Suggested by Joe Prentiss)
--- Armand Singer

I wanted to write something pretty,
That was highbrow and learned and witty.
But alack and alas!
I hookahed some grass,
Then couldn't write naught but this ditty.
--- Hugh Clary

There once was a man who could rhyme,
But not very well all of the time.
He tried to rhyme coop,
With tire and goop,
And ended up out of his mind.
--- Leon Blum

At my age, I'm now in the throes
And now have the full set, I suppose.
Baby out with the bath,
Water, up (on the path),
Spanners (in the works)...
--- Doug Harris P0512Q