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A party (he smirks),
The towel (I quit).
A wobbler (a fit),
The gauntlet (it's down),
A lifeline (don't drown!)
--- Doug Harris P0512Q

There once was a starving old poet,
Who never could sell what he wroet.
He practiced austerity
For the sake of posterity,
But he left it not even one quoet.
--- John Ciardi

In honor of the Emerald Isle,
We give our news, Limerick Style.
But if you want Japanese
Poems about knees,
You'll just have to wait a wee while.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

For a verse not my own contribution
I adhere to a firm resolution:
If something is good
Then forward I would,
But never without attribution.
--- Island Singer TP9901a

Often cited, I have to agree;
This is fruit from the limerick tree.
But what makes me groan
Is that "author unknown"
Is quoted more often than me.
--- John Miller A

Since poorness in rhyming's my fetish,
Explains why my brow is now fev'rish.
What I'd like to know --
How far can I go
Before my small public get peev'rish?
--- Irving Superior P8708

The poet must understand rhyme,
And use it in stanzas sublime.
The same goes for meter;
If she blows it, we'll beater,
For writing bad verse is a crime.
--- Anon

A poet's wife uttered a curse:
"You'd rather rhyme that fill our purse."
He husband said, mildly,
"Don't carry on, wildly --
You married for better or verse."
--- Cynthia MacGregor

A struggling writer named Dave,
To limericks, he was a slave.
But he never could sell,
And was broke as all hell,
Through his life, all the way to the grave.
--- Cap'n Bean

That poets live long, filled with gumption,
is a clearly misguided assumption.
An accurate prognosis
Is tuberculosis,
'Cause most of them died of consumption.
--- Richard Long

An old rhyming poet from Skye
Reckoned old rhyming poets don't die.
Though without any doubt,
When the meter runs out,
Their rhyming would fade with a sigh.
--- Joe Guerin

An anonymous poet online
Pens filthy pap, I opine.
But this trash about butts
And eager hot sluts,
Makes me laugh -- so it must be fine!
--- Anon

My penchant is writing light verse,
Witty and pithy and terse.
Limericks that rhyme
Pop out all the time.
That's my unnatural poetic curse.
--- Harry Rubin P9108

I stop to think now and then;
While writing, I put down my pen.
Then I start to reflect;
I wind down, what the heck!
And forget to start thinking again.
--- Al Willis

On romance, of bees and the birds;
The poet is crafting his words.
So how does he choose?
He prays to his muse,
And they droppeth from heaven like turds.
--- Peter Wilkins

This evening I don't have the time
To send in another new rhyme.
My brain is quite dead
And I'm going to bed,
If the stairs I can manage to climb.
--- Anon

Of steps there are twenty in all,
And they start at the end of the hall.
Because of the whiskey,
I'm not feeling frisky,
But think I can manage a crawl.
--- Anon

Oh sod it, I think I'll stay here
And open another cold beer.
Then sleep on the table
As far as I'm able,
And wait till my headache is clear.
--- Anon

An old Nashville cowpoke named Frye,
Finding faces in clouds rolling by,
Noted T. H. H. Caine,
E. A. Poe and M. Twain,
And wrote "Ghost Writers In The Sky."
--- Cyber Geezer

So few are the rhymes for Australia,
It's doubtful that I can regalia.
But I'll persevere,
To Webster adhere
Or else go Down Under, a failia.
--- Irving Superior P8611

Dad said, "Marsha, say it's not so!
Writing poems about Billy Blow!
Just be a lady
Don't write poems shady!"
"Shit! Dad, I just go with the flow!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was an old poet called Thomas,
Who at first, showed a great deal of promise.
But slowly his verse
Became worse and worse,
And he never got much worse than psalmes.
--- William K Alsop Jr

The point of the Great Chinese Wall,
Was a place for their poems to scrawl.
Sure, it was needed,
But it's been superceded
With the advent of the pay toilet stall.
--- Anon TP9804

There once was a fine Irish lass,
Who sometimes wrote limericks so crass;
With curly red hair
(Yes! even down there!)
And long legs clear up to her ass.
--- Kaylin Brandon

Advice from the Bard of the Okies:
"I might as well move to the Smokies;
Among these hayseeds
Most nobody reads,
And couldn't tell dactyls from trochees."
--- Armand E Singer 654

Her breasts are like white watermelons;
Her growth parallels Mt. St. Helens
(And if I rhyme vagina
With South Carolina,
I'm as bad as the rest of you felons.)
--- Dick Potts P8602

"My dear," said a poet named Damature,
"You'll find that I am not an amateur.
So grab hold of your toes
And I'll fuck you in prose
And then in iambic pentameter."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0676

An erudite lady named Treadwell
Was firmly convinced that she read well;
Though at prose she's no amateur,
Iambic pentameter,
She never could get through her head well.
--- Alsops Foibles

Frenchmen make all the fine wines;
Germans drink beer out of steins.
When the Irish drink ale,
Their minds become stale
And the Jews write their poetry lines.
--- Anon

Alfred Lord Tennyson, I would suppose,
Must be resting today in repose.
Shelly was drowned,
But this I have found:
Old poets don't die -- just decompose.
--- Richard Long

The need for a man to express
His elation or deepest distress,
Drives pencil to paper;
Turns pen into rapier;
And keep the wits whetted and dressed.
--- Lassies Lover TP9806

Take pity on your local poet;
It's preferable few people know it.
His income is small,
Or not there at all.
His clothing is likely to show it.
--- Anon

As we deal in the dark, one and all,
There's a maxim I seem to recall,
That with confidence states,
As the dollar gyrates,
From the higher, the harder they fall.

(Earl of Limerick, San Francisco, 16 May 1984)
--- Earl of Limerick P8406

This is file nhm

When an Earl talks to bankers in verse,
Later speeches can only get worse.
Leaving scansion (analysis) apart,
If we don't touch your heart,
I hope you will unbutton your purse.

(rebuttal to Earl of Limerick by J. Dundas Hamilton)
--- J Dundas Hamilton P8406

A poet is always contented;
Through poetry, fantasy's invented.
But the long ago bard
Had to memorize hard,
Until paper and pen were invented.
--- Elizabeth Santos

Anon., Idem., Ibid., and Trad.
Wrote much that is morally bad:
Some ballads, some chanties,
All poems about panties--
And limericks, too, one must add.
--- Anon

There once was a young man who said:
"The poets most frequently read
Are most of them linked
By being extinct;
So clearly it helps to be dead."
--- Richard Long

A silver-tongued poet, quit oft
Lured a score of young girls to his loft.
First to visit the bard
No doubt found it hard,
But the rest, it is said, had it soft.
--- John Miller 0128 a

While studying eudaemonisms,
Plus B.A. -- "Restrainment of Jisms"
Essays must not include
Any words crude or rude.
Can you help me with some euphemisms?

(eudaemonism - well being or happiness)
--- Jplea

A writer of poetry in France,
Once she met a publisher called Hans,
He liked what he saw,
Said he'd like to see more.
She said, "When you put on your pants!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A perfectionist poet named Morris
One night went berserk right before us.
He just flew off his perch
In his desperate search
For the ONE perfect rhyme for THESAURUS.
--- Evelyn Bogen

Enough women were usually fighting
To sleep with a poet named Whiting,
"But what I need instead
Is a typist," he said,
"Who can really decipher my writing."
--- A N Wilkins P8511

A poet, poor son of a bitch,
Must refrain, if he happens to itch,
From an action so crass
As scratching his ass,
For his "culture" is keeping him rich.
--- Pearl B. Sheridan

A nutty old poet named Spence
Nonsensical verse did dispense.
But when he was delirious,
All his poems were serious,
Yet his nonsense was what made most sense.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2801

If you look very hard at the stuff in
This book, which is known as a Puffin,
You'll very soon know it's
Been written by poets
For money, of course, not for nuffin.
--- E O Parrot

I'm trying this new thing I've found,
Combining these words into sounds.
Rhyming the lines
Is troubling at times,
But at least I'm not speaking in rounds.
--- Anon

Though the theme is open wide,
The meter must be in stride.
A word misplaced
Will bring disgrace,
From the readers on the other side.
--- Anon

Quite right. Singing rounds is so crass.
I tried it, with young Susie Bass.
By the start of line three
She was on top of me,
And I disappeared up my own ass.
--- Anon

There once was a poet of fame
Who could not remember his name,
So he had it all planned
Wrote it there on his hand,
But it smudged when he jacked off and came.
--- Bob Birch P0605

A pretty young lady from Crow Knob
Says, " Writing a poem is a slow job;
Although I'm quite clever
It took me forever
To think of a good rhyme for snow job!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection A

A poet named Hiram Q Pitt
Got into a bit of a snit,
When his lines wouldn't rhyme
A great deal of the time,
And the words just did not seem to fit.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A tree death is sad -- I know it,
For it's taken a long time to grow it.
But there's a lesson to learn,
Though inner fires burn,
Zoologists cannot be poets.
--- Anon

She never used an obscenity
Writing about masculinity.
Rhymes made with rudeness,
Crudeness, or lewdness
Simply disturbed her serenity.
--- Dick Ford

That doogie he pens many verses
Of cock, cunts, cum and curses.
He's more o.c.d., [obsessive-compulsive-disorder)
Than you or than me;
Much more, I'll need nurses or hearses.
--- Anon

A scum-loving poet named Hank
From lucrative filth never shrank.
He once penned a low ode
To a turd-filled commode
And laughed all the way to the bank.
--- Armand E Singer 162

There once was a poet named Kevin,
Who penned limericks until ninety-seven.
He said with a sigh,
"Perhaps when I die,
I'll be able to quote them in heaven."
--- Anon

Am I quick, witty, clever, urbane,
Prolific, and far-from-mundane?
I'll admit it; it's true;
I'm much slicker than you,
Though you probably think me a pain.
--- A N Wilkins P8604

A poet who starved in a garret
Tried to trade his best verse for a carrot.
The grocer read out loud
As he roared to the crowd,
"I could get better lines from my parrot."
--- Cyd

Old Sydney the vicarage parrot,
Declined to write verse for a carrot,
But often wrote loads
Of rambunctious odes,
In return for a bottle of claret.
--- Peter Wilkins

He's the air of a rhymer of words--
One whose rhymes are, shall we say, for the birds.
I think you may know him,
For he wrote this poem--
Judged "worst" in the Guiness Book of Records.
--- Ken Leonhardt P9110

The court poet's stately recitals
Flattered him and the court to their vitals.
There the dukes, earls, and counts
Flocked in noblest amounts,
And even the poems had titles.
--- Laurence Perrine P8308

A cowgirl, name of Fat Harriet,
Told her boyfriend she just wouldn't marry yet.
Her ambitions lay
Writing cow poems all day
And becoming a Poet Lariat.
--- Herkin

My Dear Poet Laureate: Verse
On one's birthday is commonly terse;
But your paper was blank --
Does this mean that you rank
With the Modern, Post-modern, or worse?

signed, The Queen
--- Paul Wigmore

A poet who should have retired
Was arrested for having conspired
To hunt out of season
For rhyme without reason,
With poetic license expired.
--- Cyber Geezer

A terrible poet was Grimes.
His verses were awful at times,
Like: Some people's houses
Are swarming with mouses.
He'd say: 'That's a good one -- it rhymes.'
--- Funfax Limericks

Up North, they think the word castle
Is a word that will rhyme with asshole.
They think that tone
Will not rhyme with scone,
Which causes most poets a hassle.
--- Richard Long

I bought a thick dictionary of rhyme.
Thought that I'd have an easier time.
But to rhyme "Kayak"
This book suggests "zwieback".
Now the plot is my problem most prime.
--- June Sullivan P8505


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