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A rock in the keel, a hole tore, That joke, has been so long around, He landed on shores Liliputian; He told them, "I'm Gulliver, Lemmy. He came on like old Sonny Liston: Angels on head of a pin? He wants, too, a real proper shag, The giants here, he doesn't find funny, Now don't say that I've overstated; Well, how he got home I don't know. Killing a bird brought a curse, A hoary-haired mariner's rime That mariner suffered, by heck, ...And the 'rime' of that Mariner Old "My dear friend," exclaimed the Mad Hatter, Unfortunate timing had Alice, Said the March Hare to Alice, "More tea?"... I Jabberwock, don't deserve dying; An ignorant dork, Jabberwocky Young Alice in Wonderland is; The Cheshire cat's gone from his tree; Said Dodgson, "Farewell, Alice Liddell. What you drink is a matter of class; That mathematical deacon "Christmas carols are not very funny," That old pedophile Lewis Carroll, He said: "Now, you might think this funny; 'Neath her knickers his old fingers stole, He opened his zip and said: "Lo! The above, as you see very well, For although he was mad as a hatter, The jury found they could not keep At the end of this marathon plea, So Alice, who quite knew the score, In time Alice got very grand, He ate her sweet hole and then spanked her; With Lewis's yarn I have quibbled Squandering time is to PIDDLE, Wonderland man Lewis Carroll "Watch that knave," said the good Queen of Hearts, When Lewis Carroll, with malice, I had a young cousin named Alice This cousin would often entreat me That elegant lyricist, Dante, The guy was a real vigilante; As he struggled to heaven from limbo, Dedicated to John Ciardi At age nine Dante saw Bea, A gay poet named Sordello Dan stayed later than he should. Dante was told by old Virg' Guide Virgil said, "Well, well! What did the two poets see? In the library they had played footy, Giovanni Mala Testa da Cazzo Those star-crossed lovers in Rimini "Guardami, ben son', ben son' Beatrice!" I was stung by her complaint. It begins with a visit to hell, A poet by name Alighieri Limericists, in Dante's scheme, In Florence the banning of books There was a young man said "Oh dear! I wish I had known Edward Lear, There once was a fellow called Lear A salute to the limericks of Lear, The limerick's birth is unclear;
And in through that gash, sea did pour.
They all gave up hope,
But our Lem grabbed the soap,
And soon washed himself to the shore.
--- Tiddy Ogg
It should, like the crew, now be drowned.
But ere memories fade,
It's source; He who played
His uke as the old ship went down.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Found lots of wee fellows all rooshin',
One big little girlie,
With hair long and curly,
Barged through, 'spite cries "Stop Lily pooshin'."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And though, as you sees, I am semi-
Literate, guys,
Because of my size,
I'm semi-god, (or is that demi?"
--- Tiddy Ogg
"I'll smash all that I lay my fist on.
Your future is dimmin';
I'll have all your women;
And all of you blokes will get pissed on."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Well Gulliver, man full of sin,
Would let those gals dance
On the end of his lance,
But food's short, he's growing quite thin.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The tiny tit tickling does flag.
So in desperate hope,
He grabs his old soap
And floats off to old Brobdingnag.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Nor I, 'cause that name isn't punny,
And he almost dies,
When to his surprise,
Some gal stuffs him right up her cunny.
--- Tiddy Ogg
You think that such stuff is X-rated?
That last I did lift
Without change from J. Swift,
In Gulliver, unexpurgated.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'm bored with the fellow, and so,
I told him he's crackers,
Kicked him in the knackers,
And robbed him of all of his dough.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The death of my crew and much worse --
A harrowing trip
On a devilish ship,
And an urge to recount it in verse.
--- Nicol Mackintosh
Recollected a tale of the time.
He murdered a bird
And the mess that occurred
When his crew had to pay for the crime.
--- Hugh Clary
Surviving alone in that wreck.
But he'd no need to buy
A fancy neck tie
With that albatross hung 'round his neck.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who shagged the poor albatross cold:
The death-blow he dealt,
Shot his thick, hoary bolt,
And got himself cursed, as foretold.
--- Jester Jon
"Whatever is the matter?"
The dormouse said, "See,
I've caught H.I.V."
You should have seen how fast they scatter!
--- Anon
With a vegetable substitute phallus.
Tweedle Dee in her heiny,
Mushroom stopped, she got tiny;
Leaving her wiser, but callus.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"All move down, to make more cups dirty."
Said the Hatter. "It's Carroll
Who is over a barrel --
He'll be left to wash dishes, not me!"
--- Prof M-G
My unhappy youth left me sighing.
It's true what they claim,
My eyes are of flame,
But yours are red, too, when you're crying.
--- Anon
Was no action, just blathering talky.
He caused his mom worry.
(His palms were all furry
From pulling his minuscule cocky.)
--- Anon
Her dreams have come true; it's the biz.
Indulging her habits
With horny white rabbits,
She can't get enough of their jizz.
--- Peter Wilkins
Him again, you may never see.
He vanished mysteriously;
He rejoiced exuberantly;
It feels so good to be free.
--- Anon
Through logic, I'll solve my life's riddle.
Stay pure and unharried
And never get married;
The law of the excluded middle.
--- P Chernoff
Drink champagne and you're certain to pass.
But I think that L. Carrol,
Had been at the barrel,
When Alice threw the fucking glass.
--- Prof
Named Dodgson just couldn't help peekin'
Up little girls' skirts,
(They were such awful flirts)
Just to see, if at all, they were leakin'.
--- TuttaGioia
Said Lewis while clutching his bunny.
The White Rabbit replied,
"It's time that you tried
Rhymes erotic concerning my cunny."
--- Prof
Was sitting one day on a barrel.
Of course, on his knee
Was young Alice, and he
Had his hand in her skimpy apparel.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In my pants here I've got a white bunny."
How long will it take,
Thought the old reprobate,
To get that thing into her cunny.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Most expertly seeking their goal,
"Ah, Alice," said he,
"Right here now, I see,
A suitable bunny sized hole."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Look at what I have here, don't you know.
Not a rabbit at all,
But a mushroom quite small,
If you nibble, you might make it grow."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Is the root of the tale he did tell.
When it came to his trial,
For abuse of the child,
He kept himself out of a cell.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Through this interminable chatter,
About teapots and mice,
He covered his vice,
And Alice's claims did not matter.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Alert, and they all fell asleep.
While the judge, on his throne,
Was getting a bone,
At the thought of that nymphette, the creep.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The judge said "It seems, sir, to me,
I will let you go quite,
If you think that you might,
Persuade her to sit on my knee."
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file nfm
Said "'Twill cost you five quid, maybe more,
And I want a rake-
Off of all that he'll make
Out of selling his fake fairy stor(y).
--- Tiddy Ogg
The richest whore in all the land,
And like that queen, red,
She sure loved to give head,
While the pounds mounted up in her hand.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He didn't know just how to thank her.
But it was all just a dream,
'Cause he woke up and screamed.
He'd apparently chewed off his wanker.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Since reading how young Alice nibbled
On a mushroom, then grew:
That's twisted if true,
And doesn't address which one dribbled.
--- Anon
Dancing on hot riddle griddle.
Did young Lewis Carroll
Mind maths in his carrel,
When writing of li'l Alice Liddle?
--- Daniel Ford
Kept placing Alice in peril.
While his looking-glass
Was trained on her ass,
Naked, bent over a barrel.
--- Jarmo
"And inform me just when the fun starts.
There's a handful of soil,
Some stale castor oil,
And a pound of cement in those tarts."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Fucked the bum of poor little Alice,
She screamed: "Don't go wild,
I'm just a wee child;
Do the one in Buckingham Palace!"
--- Anon
Who sure had a way with my phallus.
You'd think Lewis Carroll-
'D been in her apparel
'Cause of where she'd developed a callus.
--- Anon
To play some strange games, like she'd seat me
In my birthday Suit
And make me look cute,
With a tag on my dick that said "Eat Me".
--- Anon
Was compromised, caught en flagrante.
He said, "'Twas delicto
To have my nib licked so...
And next time she's bringing her Aunty."
--- Lucy
I refer to the poet named Dante.
If you didn't do well,
He'd throw you in Hell.
He would do just the same for his aunty.
--- Al Willis
Dante murmured to Beatrice, his bimbo,
"Sure, you want to scrimmage,
But think of my image,
Don't lie with your pussy akimbo."
--- Anon
Who had a passion that's hearty
For pasta and chianti --
Boccaccio and Dante,
Even when the imps grow farty.
--- Jim Jambor P9011
Struck by pure love was he.
Feckless was Dante;
Never lowered her panty
But loved her as a hound loves a tree.
--- Jim Jambor P9011
Was really a very fun fellow.
I surmise that Dante
Found him quite handy.
And called him "Bibbe Novello."
--- Jim Jambor P9011
And he became lost in the wood.
He was confused.
He was not amused.
He wanted to schtup Bea, but good.
--- Jim Jambor P9011
"Without bran you need a purge.
A good defecation
Is like a vacation,
Appeases that heavenly urge."
--- Jim Jambor P9011
We are now at the gates of Hell.
Let's stop here for lunch.
They're a real fun bunch.
And it's dark, so no one can tell."
--- Jim Jambor P9011
Paul and he drift endlessly
On an inner-spring cloud,
No sheet, cleat or shroud...
They were tactless as you must agree.
--- Jim Jambor P9011
Each proceeding up to the goody.
The enamored swain
Guzzled champagne,
The fool, from Fran's baby booty.
--- Jim Jambor P9011
Caught them in his marble palazzo.
His head sprouted horn
Without which he was born.
Jealousy drove the clod pazzso.
--- Jim Jambor P9011
Should have vacationed in Bimini.
The adulterous pair
Would be accepted there,
Like our Gary Hart, by jimminy!
--- Jim Jambor P9011
(Bea got this way from reading Nietzsche.)
"You made yourself mellow
Sporting with Sordello.
And now you think everything's peachy."
--- Jim Jambor P9011
I fell into a dead faint.
It all becomes clear
As the stars in their sphere.
I hope it is, but I guess it ain't.
--- Jim Jambor P9011
Then to Purgatory as well;
There Dante, with leaven
Ascends into Heaven,
And it's all just as comic as hell!
--- Laurence Perrine P8409
Had a penis just monstrously hairy.
When Beatrice, his chick,
Took a look at his prick,
She swore he would not pluck her cherry.
--- Ogni Gioia
Are fed there on peaches and cream.
Old Satan's no fool.
He'd never be cruel
To those dipped in Pentatette's stream.
--- Chris Papa
Caused Dante to say, "Gadzooks!
If I wanted an inferno
I would have used sterno,
Like sensible outdoor cooks."
--- Barbara Spring TP9901
I'm not really a poet, I fear.
These limericks
Are just a quick fix;
It's all the fault of Edward Lear."
--- Richard Long
For he brought an abundance of cheer
To the shy little maids
In their silks and brocades,
Who were bundled up tight in the rear.
--- Lims Unlimited
Whose verses were terribly drear.
All except that
With an owl and a cat,
Which is still quite a pleasure to hear.
--- John Wight
Now frequently read with a sneer.
If he seems out of date,
It's only the fate,
Of one who's a real pioneer!
--- The Limerick Book P9404
Its genesis owed much to Lear.
It started as clean
But soon went obscene,
And this split haunts his later career.
--- Anon
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