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The auld folk try't, the young ane's spy't, The licensed by the law do't, The goulocks an' the snails do't, The weebeit cocks an' hens do't, (puddocks - Scots for toad)
The boars an' kangaroos do't, The midges, fleas, an' bees do't, The kings an' queens an' a' do't, For they a' do't--they a' do't, He screws little mice night and day; Bobby Burns showed but little concern The delight of this snippet of verse, I passed an old bum in the gutter "Is that you, my old friend, Neeky M.?" He said he caught rats (with a sneeze), He spat a fine lunger a ways; (Now Neeky had taught me some arts "For you, my dear H, just the gist: It lodged in her snatch with a "thwuck" I fished it out, fucked the old lass -- I got me a nut wouldn't stop -- It wheezed like a garroted cat My crankus exploded so hard, Though Neeky was swine in my eye, Robbie Burns once wrote To a Fieldmouse Of Natures malignant inventions, The Sassenach poets are fair, There once was a poet called Burns I'm practicing "Och aye the noo," Best practice the poetry too; Oh bugger! I'm guessing the snag is Robert Burns was an interesting guy, The poet kept checking for mail The moral to such a sad fable A true Scot was young Robbie Burns; Here's to it, and through it, and to it again, (Published 1880)
Here's a hint for my secret admirer: To the software and site, a Bronx cheer, The gameskeeper of Lady Chatterely, A programming genius called Gertie Pornography's really the pits; On the subject, I really must say, A new magazine called Incredible The erotica written last century A director of porn, "Do-or-Die" Max 'Twas my first look at cable TV, Me? Well I'm just a vignette; When I read, I enjoy a good thriller, Say! Have you heard about old Henry Miller, The problem with dear Henry Miller In his first published Tropic edition Mr Mellors (her gamekeeper's name) The box said "Takes 2 D-Cell Batteries" My maiden aunt from Fitzackerly Though he was dressed rather nattily, "Though Lord Clifford is vestured more nattily, In one of their sexual spells, She knew him as her dear undercover Linda Lovelace preferred foot-long coneys She did just one movie of note Let me tell you 'bout my secret life: I'm afraid I get bored with smut; Twelve months of Penthouse for free! (Penthouse offers subscription for good limericks)
A dyke with a midget in drag, A thousand and two close-up rumps, The Editor, Bob Guccione When posing a Pet for a shot,
An' straightway kiss an' fa' to't,
The blind, the lame,
The wild, the tame,
In warm climes an' in cauld do't.
--- Robert Burns
Forbidden folk an' a' do't,
An' priest an' nun
Enjoy the fun,
An' never ance say na' to't.
--- Robert Burns
The cushie-doos an' quails do't,
The dogs, the cats,
The mice, the rats,
E'en elephants an' whales do't.
--- Robert Burns
The robins an' the wrens do't,
The grizzly bears,
The toads and hares,
The puddocks in the fens do't.
--- Robert Burns
The titlins an' cuckoos do't,
While sparrow sma'
An' rabbits a',
In countless swarms an' crews do't.
--- Robert Burns
The mawkes an' mites in cheese do't,
An cauld earthworms
Crawl up in swarms,
An' underneath the trees do't.
--- Robert Burns
The Sultan an' Pasha do't,
An' Spanish dons
Loup off their thrones
Pu' doon their breeks, an' fa' to't.
--- Robert Burns
The grit as weel's the sma' do't,
Frae crowned king
To creeping thing,
'Tis just the same--they a' do't!
--- Robert Burns
From his lab they don't run away.
Does not need a cage;
He learned from a sage:
The best laid mice don't go astray.
--- Anon
When the mouse did not post a return.
Not the first unrequited,
Other poets were slighted --
Johnny Keats never heard from the urn.
--- William N Nesbit
Is it's meaningful, pithy and terse,
And what's more, it scans.
Ah, the best laid of plans
Gang aft agley, so much the worse.
--- Anon
And started, when I heard him mutter,
"Hey, H, my old bud,
Still up ta no gud?"
I turned and went limp with a shudder.
--- Anon
I whispered. And man, he looked grim.
"I thought you were dead."
"Yep, that's what's been said,"
He croaked, as he hacked up some phlegm.
--- Anon
And mice (called the small ones a breeze).
They fetched a good price,
(The fats ones taste nice),
When sold to the local Chinese.
--- Anon
Quite far for a man of his days,
And wiped off the slurb.
"Here, sit on my curb.
Let's see if I still can amaze."
--- Anon
Of fucking and rhyming and farts.
No drink would he spurn;
No fart he'd not burn.)
"You'll leave out the boring-ass parts?"
--- Anon
One night, while excessively pissed,
I lit off a whore.
No, wait, there is more --
My Bic squirted loose, and I missed.
--- Anon
And through some bizarre twist of luck,
And unknownst to us,
Overlooked in the fuss,
It dumped its whole load, like a truck.
--- Anon
I swear, this is what came to pass:
My balls felt real cool --
And so did my tool.
Didn't know they was takin' on gas.
--- Anon
I spuzzed near a gallon of slop.
But this you might doubt:
My crank was pinched out --
So swollen I thought it would pop.
--- Anon
And flew to and fro like a bat.
It rocketed 'round,
But soon the gas found
A candle. And then the whore shat.
--- Anon
It knocked me out into the yard.
The window blew back
And cut a new crack,
Where glass clipped her ass with a shard.
--- Anon
I then understood his fate. Aye.
Although he'd great plans,
The best laid out glans
Of Miceing Man oft goes awry.
--- Anon
Without a response -- dirty louse.
When he checked the address
He exclaimed. "Why I guess
I must have mailed it to the cathouse."
--- Tom Patton
FIASCO, defying intentions,
Plagues mankind for aye,
And mice, so they sigh,
As in Bobby Burns' wise mentions.
--- Chris Papa
Although they can never compare
With the lad in the kilt,
Who's sporran was built --
Who'd take any girl on a dare!
--- Archie
Whose works are most folk's party turns.
But quoting the bard
Is for me very hard;
It is not what a Sassenach learns.
--- Chris Young
And glugging a whiskey or two;
My overnight bag is
Chockful of prime haggis,
For Burns Night appears to be due.
--- Peter Wilkins
"Wee sleekit and tim'rous gnu..."
Or summat like that,
But I'll have it down pat
Before Edinburgh hoves into view.
--- Peter Wilkins
Security thinking my bag is
Suspiciously packed
With bombs when in fact,
It's just packed with a dozen ripe haggis.
--- Peter Wilkins
Though I'll never quite understand why
He had written a mouse
Who lived far from his house,
And not to that squirrel close by.
--- Bob Birch
From the mouse with the two inch long tail.
But the mouse wasn't fair
For not sending by air --
Seems he sent it by way of a snail.
--- Bob Birch
Is to use the air mail if you're able.
You could use any fowl,
Although I prefer owl,
And affix your return address label.
--- Bob Birch
This is file ncm
He'd take all the girls out in turns.
He'd sigh, "Auld Lang Sine,
Oh, Heather, you're mine."
And screw her right there in the ferns.
--- Archie
To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again!
So in with it, out with it,
Lord work his will with it!
Never a day we don't do it again!
--- Robert Burns L0367A
Just write just what sets you afire.
If you know in advance
What lights up your pants,
You won't get caught in the mire.
--- Anon
And they're much more than likely all queer;
It's one hundred percent
Unsafe without consent,
And for legal perversions, "Click Here!"
--- Q
Was rewarded more often that qua'terly.
Though I feel quite a beast",
She reflected, "At least,
I'm having it off more than latterly."
--- Gerry Hamill
Had a penchant for graphics so dirty,
No computer she knew
Would accept what she drew,
Until she had tickled its qwerty.
--- C G Robbins
Idiots doing the splits
With their legs in the air
And that look of despair,
'Cause they know they can't live by their wits.
--- Tutta Gioia
(Voyeurs might do what they may)
The sex in my head
While lying in bed
Would blow all your films quite away.
--- Tutta Gioia
Depicts only girls who are spreadable.
Next month it will feature
The most gorgeous creature,
Adorning a centerfold thats edible.
--- David Miller
Makes it seem that the staid British Gentry,
Beneath their selectness,
Have hidden erectness
And are sexually wildly adventury.
--- Isaac Asimov
Staged a scene with this marvelous climax:
Horny heroes make passes
At hot babes with tight asses;
Picture eight-story pricks filmed in I-MAX.
--- Armand Singer
And what did my wondering eyes see?
Cunnilingus by Cantrell,
Eight inch dildos as well.
How long was this shown without me?
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0505
The back of my ears are still wet.
I hope that one day
I may pay my own way,
But till then; I'm in everyone's debt.
--- Doug Harris P0505
The kind where the cops catch the killer.
I enjoyed Constantine
And The Door That Was Green,
But mostly seek out Henry Miller.
--- Al Willis P9702
Whose specialty's the sexual thriller?
Though his ego (see Sexus)
Is as big as all Texas,
Can his prick really be such a killer?
--- Howard Parke G0404
Was, he just couldn't write a good thriller;
So he cleared from his mind
All the junk he could find --
He's now top of the literary pillar.
--- Harald S Green P8510
Henry Miller gave frank recognition
For the help he'd received
From A. Nin who believed
In his pen and his skill in coition.
--- A N Wilkins P9104
Overcomes Connie Chatterley's shame;
When he roots in her shrubbery
With an implement rubbery,
He observes that it's keeping her game.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8409
And believing the pink-printed flatteries,
Saw her vibrating partner
As a sensual gardener,
In a story just like Lady Chatterley's!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was built rather like Lady Chatterly.
But it all went to waste
Because of her taste,
Was not sex but merely philately.
--- Tony Burrell
She dismissed poor Tom quite cattily.
"I'm having an affair
With the gamekeeper there,"
Said the gorgeous Lady Chatilly.
--- Ericka
The size of his member is rattley,
When he sticks it down there.
So I had an affair
With Mellors." the Lady said Chattily.
--- Hugh Clary
Our Mellors put, (so Lawrence tells,)
Her tits in his ears,
So he never hears
The ring of the village church bells.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Man, this gully of pheasant and plover.
Constance said, "My dear Mellors,
You're a hell of a feller.
I'm glad you're Lady Chatterley's Lover."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P9912
Such as the ones you can find at Shoney's.
But in a tight bight,
You know damn well right,
She'd settle for ones hung on ponies.
--- Mike Desso
On which all pornographers dote.
It featured a knob
Which widened her gob,
'Fore plunging the depths of her throat.
--- SFA
My pecker was keen as a knife,
But last week -- Oh No! --
When the tart didn't show,
I was forced into forcing my wife!
--- Robin K Willoughby P8409
It's like getting stuck in a rut
Now other folks' screws
Just don't seem like news;
Rather more like a kick in the butt.
--- Anon
In anatomical terms that would be:
Six hundred hooters,
Nine semen shooters,
And a lady caught taking a pee.
--- Irish A
Advice from an old hooker hag,
Three hundred twats,
And various shots
Of Bo having sex with a nag.
--- Irish A
A dozen whores caught between humps.
With this kind of pay,
Write them down, Don't delay.
The paycheck is better than Trump's.
--- Irish A
Prints Penthouse, for whacking your pony.
Playboy is too neat;
Hustler is raw meat;
And Forum, I think is a phoney.
--- Frank Fazed
Bob uses technique a lot.
His lenses he pastes
With glycerine wastes,
To tone down the glare from her twat.
--- Irish
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