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There was an old fellow named James There once was an old man from Kent, My fourth grandchild was born today; And our Liz is also quite chuffed "When old age begins," declared Drew, The mad scientist thought for a while, I remember back when I was single; An old man must be judged on endeavor, There once was an old man from Dunningham, There was an Old Man who said, "Well! So spent was his lordship, Sir Burke, Said nonagenarian Gott, A fast-aging rhymster named Phipps I know a real horny American When you find that it's time to retire, An old southern Colonel named Caine, You know that you are getting old, To the old British Marquess of Lyonesse, Sir David DeAngelo Dill Though youth I admit I've relinquished, There's many a good tune that's played Despite my advancing senility, Have you heard of my old uncle Ben? Observed an old fellow named Hinkle, My daughter swears somebody told her I'm healthy, fastidious in dress. Old geezers are not fun in nude groups. Old age isn't really that bad, A practical mother named Shumate There was an old fellow named Warrick. It's really too much for a guy When I was young and ambitious, Then back to the home that I own As I go on year after year, I once met a fellow named Roger, When Ace has a mind to console, There was a young fellow called Stan, To the bar of the Hotel Algonquin, He's an all-around wonderful guy: A tater-chip magnate named Gray There was an old man from Biggles, There was a young fellow named Fred, Said a pro from Roseau, Minnesota, There was a young man so robust A widow who lived in Celeener An expert on humping named Ritz Nowadays I'm a little bit older; There was a young fellow named Fred In town there's a fellow named Rex, There's a nimble young dancer in Mesa; There was a young lady named Booker That Charlie is kind and he's nice, My Charlie with his numb nuts bare, You all must not worry 'bout me; That Charlie guy came back again. We're having the family for tea. My Charlie's the runt of the litter, I have got a headache this <-------> big! I guess being fuddled's okay, After loving a lady or two, There was a Don Juan from old Mizz, There was a young fellow named Vic, He mastered Greek logic in Spain 'Twas a cold winter's night in Champagne, Said a young man who found sex esthetic There once was a fellow named Hungwell;
Who tried to remember old flames.
He knew June had grown fat,
Eve now looked like a cat,
And the rest, he forgot all their names.
--- Warrick Elrod
Whose knob was all warty and bent.
But he still got his oats
From the randy old goats,
At the old folks home where he went.
--- Funny Bone
I don't feel like a granddad -- OK?
This aging's a con;
Your mind stays turned on;
It's the body that will not stay!
--- Archie
(With some luck I might get muffed)
I'm in with a chance;
I'm doffing my pants;
But without the Viagra, I'm stuffed.
--- Archie
"Depends upon your point of view,
And I always hold
That a fellow is old
Who's at least ten years older than you."
--- A N Wilkins P8509
Then said with a grim evil smile,
"Fools! Destroy them all!
I'll be their downfall --
I'll teach them to call me senile!"
--- Anon
With all the girls then, I could mingle.
Those days were sure fun,
But alas, they are done.
Now all that I get is a tingle.
--- Popsicle TP9807
For while he rarely screws, it's not never.
Though he's slow to arouse,
When that furrow he plows,
All the girls, on the top, pop forever.
--- Archie
Who was so old the ladies kept shunning 'im.
"I was shunned in my youth
But to tell you the truth,
I was much better then at outrunning 'em"
--- Anon
When I do this I really feel swell;
I have pulled day and night,
But now pushing seems right.
Tonight I am going to raise Hell!
--- Edwardian Leer 082
No pussy could get him to perk.
But a lady named Opal
From Constantinople,
She sure put his pecker to work.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0072
"A dashing young devil I'm not,
But damn and by Jesus,
I'm richer than Croesus,
Which certainly helps me a lot."
--- Armand E Singer 483
Penned one of his most polished quips:
"I'm down on my body,
It's lax and it's shoddy;
What once used to ripple now rips."
--- Armand Singer
Who indulges in sex everywhere he can;
But I have no doubt
That he'll soon wear it out--
And rarely go on such a tear again.
--- Norm Storer P9712
It isn't the end of desire.
Though there's snow on the roof
You can still provide proof
That the furnace has plenty of fire.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2767
Whose sex urge had been on the wane,
Called his limp little tool
"The Southland" -- the fool!
He thought it would rise once again.
--- Michael Weinstein P8509
The first time that you must be told,
When put to the test,
That thing worked the best,
When it's used to spindle, not fold!
--- Larry Davis P8509
Said a smiling young barmaid, "Your Highness,
When it's me your attacking,
I find nothing lacking
In your octagenarian spryness."
--- Isaac Asimov
Of the ladies, could not get his fill.
He had started at nine
To know pleasures divine,
And at ninety was doing it still.
--- Warrick Elrod
I've grown more mature and distinguished.
And girls if you yearn
For excitement, you'll learn
My libido remains unextinguished.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9806
On a fiddle that's almost decayed.
I've still got the puff
For a bit of hot stuff,
So come on girls and get laid.
--- Fred
Age hasn't led to debility.
Girls, they adore
Me, and say, "Give me more."
When I prove my outstanding virility.
--- Peter W
He converses with himself, but then
Talking enhancers
Intelligent answers,
To his own intelligent question.
--- Anon
Bemoaning each twitch or new wrinkle;
"My gut's gone to pot,
My sex life is shot,
And ten times a day I must tinkle."
--- Armand E Singer 969
Of a Far Eastern man, who though older
Than some of the rest,
Could contort with the best,
And was known as "The Manila Folder".
--- Macsam
And free from this HIV mess.
But what good does it do
When I strike out to woo?
At my age, they couldn't care less.
--- John E Paulk P9201
They are nuts and have shriveled up droops.
I thought I would die
When one started to tie
Up his droop into neat bowline loops.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
When you think of the fun that you've had.
And a satisfied life
With a wonderful wife
(And today I became a grand dad).
--- Anon
Said, "Child, seek a man when you do mate
Who's decrepit and old
With a fistful of gold --
You'll soon get a crack at a new mate."
--- Armand E Singer 56
Alas, he was hoary as Yorrick;
All his jokes old and stale,
And his mimicry pale;
He'd numb you like warm paregoric.
--- Warrick Elrod
Who's as old as the hills, such as I;
For my eyes are on stalks
As I go for my walks,
In the town around midnight to spy.
--- Anon
Young girlies were much less delicious
And perfectly built;
But I suffer no guilt,
As I watch with a hard-on pernicious.
--- Anon
With my sister, an ugly old crone;
But at least she's got style
And she'll give me a smile,
As she greedily sucks on my bone.
--- Anon
This is file ncl
My mind decays further, I fear.
More often these days,
I stand in a haze,
Thinking "What was I doing in here?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Who married when he was a codger.
His young wife was tight
And try as he might,
There was naught he could do to dislodge her.
--- Monique de Plume
Some poor lonely girl and cajole
Her to join him in bed
With her clothing all shed;
His prize is an Ace in the hole.
--- Allan Ottley, 1975
A ready-to-play kind of man.
The front door or back
He can even smack!
Whatever you want, that's his plan.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
There marches the hero, all-conquin.
He orders the fellas
Below in the cellars,
While upstairs the ladies he's bonquin.
--- Anon
He can swim, he can drive, he can fly;
Has the world in his head;
He's amazing in bed...
How I wish that he'd curl up and die.
--- Rory Ewins Q
Loved unrestrained romps in the hay,
With all kinds of fillies
(Suave types to hillbillies)
Who fell for his great "Frito-lay."
--- Armand E Singer 375
Who was always getting the giggles.
His wife said "John,
You're putting them on,
As no one in Biggles gets giggles."
--- Josephine McDonagh
An adept at getting girls into bed.
But by and large,
He much preferred Marge, (Brit for margarine? - McW)
As Marge was so easy to spread.
--- Linda Marsh Coll
"Well I really don't care an iota
If they call me unkind
When I fuck them all blind,
In achieving my annual quota."
--- Keith MacMillan A068B
That he suffered from Married Man's Rust.
When he slipped girls the missile,
It made their ass whistle,
And the blast from his ass gave him thrust.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0732
Made every man lust who had seen her.
But a neighbor revealed,
He had ploughed through her field,
And his verdict -- the ass wasn't greener.
--- Hugh Oliver A093B
Claimed, "Sex is no good 'less it fits
Supercozy and snug
As a bug in a rug:
Hell, anything else is the pits."
--- Armand E Singer 989
I became more experienced and bolder.
Girls now throng at my door
'Cause I offer much more
Than the average guy in the polder.
--- Anon
Who did all his best work in bed;
Sometimes with a tome
He could barely drag home,
And sometimes with a woman instead.
--- Isaac Asimov
Adept at performing at sex.
Cunnilingus and fellatio,
At a two to one ratio;
A small stipend is all he expects.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0605
Her boyfriend's so clumsy, it slays her.
But on a plateau
Or a table top, though,
He can do things that really amaze her.
--- John E Mayhood P9805
And many a young man had took her.
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick maker;
Ah, but he was the one who did cook her.
--- Albin Chaplin
But I am his one secret vice.
He's married to her,
Though I would prefer
To forget that he has home spice!
--- Anon
Is giving the small guys some air.
In jeans tucked up tight,
No relief in sight;
They just go to sleep and lay there!
--- Anon
This Charlie's not real, you see.
Imaginary man:
He fits well in my plan
For limericks to combat ennui.
--- Anon
He found me out playing with Ken.
It turned out okay --
Brought Barbie today;
We played with our dollies 'til ten.
--- Anon
(Just secretly 'tween you and me,
That Charlie will bite
Meat only all white;
He wants the breast of cousin C---!)
--- Anon
Though his size has not made him bitter.
He's not very tall
But, he's not all small;
One thing I can say: He's no quitter!
--- Anon
But Charlie's an amorous pig
Says he wants a cuddle
But hopes to befuddle
With oak that grew from his twig.
--- Anon
But wish he did not want to play
House-maid and rich-man,
Because in his plan,
It ends up that I have to pay!
--- Anon
You know about what you can do...
For well-managed tail
Makes a gal love a male,
So make sure that the male will be you!
--- Grand Prix Lim 802
At tracking down tail a real whiz;
When asked for addresses,
He sneered, "My successes
Are none of your fucking damn biz."
--- Armand E Singer 748
Known to all his mates as "Double Quick."
While they stopped for their tea,
He said none for me.
His chores were all done in a tick.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
And conquered geometry -- plain.
With his mind at full throttle,
He can best Aristotle.
I wish I could download his brain.
--- Ernest Lefever Lib Lim
But she was not prone to complain.
For under the sheet,
He began at her feet,
And did things that drove her insane.
--- Bob Birch
And pursued it in ways most frenetic,
"I can eat all I wish
Of each fattening dish.
All this exercise seems dietetic."
--- Isaac Asimov
The women all said that he stung well,
Whether poking his pole
In their vaginal hole,
Or thrusting it into their bung-well.
--- Cap'n Bean P0800
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