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Now this statement may seem rather phony, When nothing is left of your hair, Anatomy's not my strong suit -- In the days of hoop skirts and brocades, As an old organ donor, my fate There was a young student of Scottomy, I once met Picasso in Spain One evening I got quite a shock I once knew a girl named Claire; There was a young lad at the lake Bob finds his dates all inferior; Barbara? Well she's just so hairy, her "Who was Galileo's stepdaughter!" Consider the nature of skin; Good thing that it's waterproof too, There was a young lady from Beccles You may think that my birthmark is grievous, When you lie in the sun for long days, There once was a student from Yale, A medical student called Seymour He's afraid of the dark, the dumb creep, Since you ask, here's a portrait of me: Mr Gock lived on beefsteak so tough, We admit that he's low-browed and rummy, (Euwer meant stomach, but could be tapeworm - McW)
There was a young student of art, There once was a lady hand-letterer, The trouble with Sydney's his liver, There's also concern for his spleen, I've heard he's a murmuring heart, An odd fellow from Ecuador, An imaginary line is the waist She took off her leg and her wig, He cried, with a frown on his face, And so we arrive at the torso. There once was an eminent Lord One umbilical cord to another: I'm glad I'm protected from knocks, The body part 1 is the head. I'm sewing them with some blue thread, And so we arrive at the torso. So the next body part is the neck. The next, have you guessed, the gonads. The arms are next, do you think A man who was always quite mean It's hard to say what's my best part; When I first tried my hand at a rhyme, The hippies laid rest to those days Then the organs of sex came to style, Next, ladies whoe once used to blush With the shift of the meaning of "gay", Now often from children of six Oh, My Goodness! I called her a "chick!" Religion has always been tough. Of disabled we're very protective; If you want to keep up with this all, These changes in meaning aren't mild; Wrote a critic, a stuffy old bloke: The star of "Anne Frank" was erratic, "A rose is a rose is a rose." A writer of poems, to succeed, I find that both banjo and mime To an artist, a husband called Bicket, Our novels get longer and longer. Of the "poets" whose works grace the pages With critics, one need not dispute; A critic refused, as reviewer, There once was a man from a school
But some backbones there are so unboney,
So wobbly and lacking
In stuff that makes backing --
You would think they were boiled macaroni.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708
And you can't find your teeth anywhere,
And the hearing has fled
From your sightless old head,
And your mind is askew, you don't care.
--- Lims Unlimited
But your piggies are awfully cute.
Your poor hens and rooster
I think need a booster,
But your chicken house is a beaut!
--- Anon
And bustles and corsets and shades,
There was much cerebration
And great speculation
On the sizes and shapes of the maids.
--- Lims Unlimited
Is to have lived, 'til now it's too late
My best parts once virile
Are withered and sterile.
I'll depart, therefore, quite intestate.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9712
Who said, "What have these wenches got o' me?
I have lost father's knees,
Likewise my pancreas,
And I fear I shall die of phlebotomy."
--- L1614
With his model Amelia-Jane.
She had tits and a cunt
On her face, back and front;
Quite intriguing, but hell, was she plain.
--- Peter Wilkins
When fucking this tart from the dock.
She seemed quite surprised
When in front of her eyes,
I pulled out her spleen on my cock.
--- Paul Boston
Her hair was both darkish and fair.
Of eyes she had two;
One brown and one blue,
And shaped she was like a pear.
--- Bob Hunt
With a build that was too much to take.
He had rippling biceps,
Pectorals, and triceps,
And buttocks that had to be fake!
--- Bill Doern
If not in the front, then the derriere.
Mae's too short; June's too tall;
Jill is as flat as a wall
And Sandy's as wide as a carrier.
--- Rmac
Face lookes like that of a terrier.
Jane's too big; Kim's too small;
He has rejected them all,
Citing his basic criteria.
--- Rmac
This quiz show is pure mental slaughter.
I just took a sip;
Now I feel like a drip.
I feel dumb since retaining much water.
--- Anon
It covers the goodies within,
And thus it's apparent
It isn't transparent,
Although it's exceedingly thin.
--- Peter Wilkins
For if it let the drizzle weep through,
The soggy remains
Of one's innards and brains,
Would collapse into puddles of goo.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who hated the sight of her freckles.
Her mother said "Dear,
You need have no fear;
Men love them; they're only sun speckles."
--- Margaret Clarke
But appearances often deceive us.
So I try to console,
And avoid saying "mole",
Substituting the lofty term "nevus."
--- Anne
It's suicide to stay out in the rays.
Spread on sun-blocking oil
Before you come to the boil,
Or skin cancer you'll get as you laze.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Whose skin was so exceedingly pale.
The glare from a book
Was all that it took,
For smoke to come out of his tail.
--- Lims For Year - 01
Wanted no one to think him a dreamer.
His wine he would mull
In a dissected skull,
And he scrambled his eggs with a femur.
--- Martin Guy
So he sleeps with a light and counts sheep.
He's called a light sleeper,
And now this gets deeper,
Just how does a hard sleeper sleep?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
On the wall hangs my B.S. degree.
My hair's dark and thick,
But turning grey quick,
Yet, at least all my toes I can see.
--- Jerry Nordal
That one day, having suffered enough,
His salivary glands
Fled to far distant lands,
And his stomach walked out in a huff.
--- Beelzebub
Yet permit him to be rather chummy,
And toss him down grub --
Which he grabs from his sub-
terranean hole in our tummy.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708
Who made a strange anatomical chart;
In place of the chest,
A grease spot on the vest,
And in place of the asshole, a fart.
--- L1677
Who thought of a program to better her.
She hand lettered each
Of the parts she could reach,
The bosom, the navel, et cetera.
--- L1431
Which now just works with a shiver.
There's no filtration at all,
Since two years ago, fall;
He's awaiting a surgical giver!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Or rather where it ought to have been.
It came out one night,
After a helluva fight
With a fan of Chianti and fava bean.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
They fetched his home in a cart.
When down stairs he stumbled
As his stomach had rumbled,
But I'm glad to report it's a fart!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Had the same shape behind as before.
They did not know where
They should offer a chair,
So he had to sit down on the floor.
--- Anon
Which seldom stays long where it's placed,
But ambles and skips
Twixt shoulders and hips,
According to popular taste.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708
Removed her glass eye and the big
Lush boobies he thought
Were to be his lot;
Then took off her thingamajig.
--- Marlene Lewis
"Good god, gal, there isn't a trace
Of that sweet young miss
I wanted to kiss --
You're scattered all over the place!"
--- Marlene Lewis
This is file mxm
Although all are great, some are more so.
This one's up for grabs;
It has six-pack abs,
(They really look great at the floor show).
Whose misfortune all men deplored.
Though born long ago
He still carried in tow
Six yards of umbilical cord.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"I presume that of course you're my brother.
And as we are twins
And nobody wins,
I suggest we just stay here in Mother."
--- Conrad Aiken
From my necktie clear down to my socks,
And padded and bolstered,
Fenced in and upholstered,
With muscles to take up the shocks.
--- T Euwer
You heard it right; that's what I said.
Right now, I have three,
So I'll have to see,
Which other parts match with this thread.
--- Marlene Lewis
Unless you think they'd look less dead,
If I used the pink
Or maybe you think
I should just show off and use red.
--- Marlene Lewis
Although all are great, some are more so.
This one's up for grabs;
It has six-pack abs;
They really look great at the floor show.
--- Marlene Lewis
I'm done with the quality check.
But these all look bad;
I'm certain most had
Been broken or been in a wreck.
--- Marlene Lewis
Those decorative dangley do-dads.
They'll be large or small,
But if they weren't at all,
My monster would buy some crotch pads.
--- Marlene Lewis
That these are beginning to stink.
They've just pinched my cheeks;
The south one, the sneaks!
I'd best cool them off in the sink.
--- Marlene Lewis
Nearly died in a wreck as a teen.
They left in his side
A hole he can't hide;
It's where he had vented his spleen.
--- Macsam
I hardly know where to start;
My potbelly tum,
Or my saggy bum?
Or maybe that genital wart?
--- Anon
Using "shit" was a serious crime.
While the rhyming of "coon"
With June, spoon and moon
Was a mild racial slur at the time.
--- John Miller
With their loud, raucous, outspoken ways.
When really zonked out,
They often would spout
Naughty words that would truly amaze.
--- John Miller
And stayed popular quite a long while.
Folk really weren't fussy
When you used the word "pussy"
And they even took "cunt" with a smile.
--- John Miller
At "testicle", "titty" and "tush",
Made language, once vile,
Into feminine style,
With the good stuff regarded as mush.
--- John Miller
The perverts were next to hold sway.
We were up to our ears
In jokes about "queers" --
But that trend is now going away.
--- John Miller
You hear words I first heard at Fort Dix;
While a mild ethnic slur
Is apt to incur
The wrath of the liberal chicks.
--- John Miller
The feminists here will be quick
To point out that I
Am a terrible guy,
A "sexist" and "redneck" and PRICK!
--- John Miller
If remarks that you make "off the cuff"
To "them" are offensive,
You must switch to defensive,
The invective is apt to get rough!
--- John Miller
"Challenged" is used for "defective".
(A good rule of thumb:
Don't call the dumb "dumb",
There are synonyms just as effective.)
--- John Miller
Just listen while down at the mall.
Though "nigger" comes easy,
To use it is sleazy,
But the "F" word is no crime at all.
--- John Miller
Some day I can guess it not wild
To cringe and to stutter
While trying to utter
Words like "mother" and "family" and "child".
--- John Miller
"The concert last night was a joke;
The tempos were frantic,
The program: Romantic,
And the instruments all were Baroque."
--- Cyber Geezer
And the critics were less than ecstatic --
Her acting so grim,
When the Germans marched in,
Cried the audience, "SHE'S IN THE ATTIC!"
--- Arthur Deex P8503
But comments from critics of prose --
"Just why 'a rose' thrice?"
"Why not 'a rose' twice?"
Arose and arose and arose.
--- Irving Superior P9803
Must listen to Arthur x-eeD.
The words, all in rhyme,
And the meter, sublime,
But the past tense of piss must be peed.
--- Al Willis
Are not forms of art, but a crime.
All that ill-tuning
And silent buffooning;
Let's throw them all into the brine.
--- Tom Myers
Said, "Turn your ass and I'll kick it.
You have painted my wife
In the nude to the life,
Do you think for a moment that's cricket?"
--- John Galsworthy P0509
Their language gets stronger and stronger.
There's much to be said
For a life to be led
In illiterate places like Bonga.
--- H G Wells
Of the best magazines, though outrageous,
Rhyme and metre are foreign
(Formless prattle is more in.)
I just hope their style isn't contagious.
--- John Sandler P9107
Like asses they are not astute.
When asses are roused
And on fruit trees have browsed,
Then the trees will bear much finer fruit.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2546
To read the obscene and impure;
He soon left the scene,
For the books that were clean
Just kept getting fewer and fewer.
--- Anon
Who thought a bad poet, a fool.
He corrected some meter
Then scratched at his peter
And thought himself pretty damned cool.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
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