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"Oh, I'm not offended," he said, We enjoy it when readers all parrot us, Said a sensual artist named Mame, In performance and graphics and lit, An authoress armed with a skewer While viewing a painting of Venus, It looks like some tots did an etching, "I am no prude!" cried Viscount McAudrey. With the critical Randall Jarrell, (His day in the barrel? - McW)
Riverrun where can you guess? (on Finnegans Wake by James Joyce)
I think it's imprudent of Bean (defending Johnny Hart from Cap'n Bean)
To Johnny, I never meant harm, (Cap'n Bean apologising to Johny Hart after chastisement)
Female figures are here intertwined, (comments on a Matisse drawing)
To a critcal colleague, Menotti An old-fashioned artist observes-- A man from the Rue Chateau D'in, "My response to the art show at Bangor," The content of most TV fare There once was a girl who used paint The guy that was mentioned before My verses above, alphabetical, "The figure is not anatomical", In Barrie's sequel, "Peter Pot", Photography is a device There's a really strange bunch in D.C. Of attractions the Sabines ain't stinted, An English professor named Brooks, Bestowed quite at random, the Gift (Wilkens - a reviewer and contributer to Pentatette)
The fact of rejection is sad; The Attorney General said with dismay, Here's to those who take pokes Some guy who is really smart A painter, unencumbered by cash, For promoting "The Country Danes", At last! Here's a non-lying blurb There is a young girl apart I wonder what constitutes art? The bloodcurdling cry of bloodhounds; The line between art and lust, This beekeeping fellow from Boulder There is a young artist named Whistler, When sipping away at your scotch, Every Chanukah, Yossel Perutz Dancing instructor, Miss Black, A lass who swore she could dance, Among the social indiscreets A Victorian gent said, "This dance, There was a young woman named Sue, (some she even married - McW)
There was an old soldier from France A soup factory worker named Kahn What causes dear ladies to smile, There was a young fellow from Ongar, A Mexican dancer called Fritz There was a promoter named Hugh, A young go-go dancer named Briscoe, There once was a fellow from Turkey Said a dancer from Andaluseer, A circus-mad girl from Montreux Firm holiday party's tonight! My party was held Friday night, Three gentlemen partners I had; A gymnast who won many prizes A mademoiselle in Paris, France, I once knew a girl named Ophelia; A dancer, a bit past her prime, The art of the old Highland Reel
"But there's just so much stuff in my head,
If I don't let it out,
I'd scream and I'd shout,
And finish up under the bed."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But not when they set out to garrot us,
So with this little pome,
Signed Judson Jerome,
I accept the rank 'Critic Emeritus'.
--- Judson Jerome P8806
"I wish to gain world wide acclaim.
Though I paint and can draw,
In a way that will awe,
What the critics love most is my frame."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9103
Artists all strongly strive for a hit.
They deem panning reviews,
As discomfiting news,
And do not suffer well shocks of crit.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0203
Once hunted a hostile reviewer.
'I'll teach you' she cried,
As she punctured his hide,
'To call my last novel too pure!'
--- Explosion of Lims P0207
A young student added a penis.
He had to erase it:
He'd been asked to praise it.
At least he's found out what a paean is!
--- Linda Marsh Coll
That wasn't so clear or so fetching.
But any solution
To the big convolution
I fear leaves me gagging and retching.
--- A W Edwards P9012
"But these novels are really quite tawdry.
The new movies are smut--
And slavering rut--
I'll go to Denmark and study their bawdry."
--- G2409
Few poets presume to quarrel;
So they hate and they hate
While they wait and they wait
To put him across a barrel.
--- Conrad Aiken
Finnegans Wake is a mess.
"Will you help me get even?"
Said left-over Steven.
Yes I said yes I will Yes.
--- Anon G0085
To be picayune, blunt and mean;
Our Johnny has heart
And plays a big part
In the poor but proud Broome County scene!
--- Mark Levy P0211
And I wished to not sound an alarm,
For, despite this small flaw,
He truly can draw,
And his comic strip always holds charm!
--- Cap'n Bean P0212
Tits and arms and legs and behinds.
And the rest of the mass
Is at an impasse,
And de-tails I'm unable to find.
--- A W Edwards P9012
Rudely snapped, "You've no call to act haughty.
Your progressions are poor,
Your themes lack allure,
And your counterpoint tends to be spotty."
--- Kilburn K Holt P8806
These Modernists get on my nerves,
They eliminate grace
From both figure and face,
And substitute angles for curves.
--- Thomas Thorneley
Could not stand Mona Lisa's grin.
He got hold of a gun,
And had lots of fun
By shooting her two front teeth in.
--- Chairman Steve
Said the critic, "was boredom and languor.
Although no one could say
Thirty paintings passe,
I speak more in Seurat than in Ingres."
--- A N Wilkins P9206
Is a source of scholastic despair,
Brimful of tedium,
And for this medium,
Anything well done is rare.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410A
On her navel. Her boyfriend said, "Ain't
That going too far?"
"No more than you are,"
She said. "Do I hear a complaint?"
--- John Ciardi A
Could never establish rapport
With readers that reasoned
Or critics well-seasoned.
But at least he was never a bore.
--- Ryan Waldron
Could scarcely be reckoned ascetical;
And, what's even worse is,
My amorous verses
Are not even very poetical.
--- Harold C Bibby
Said a Sitter, "The attitude's comical."
Said the Painter, "Quite true,
But when looked at askew,
Both are seen to be sweetly symbolical."
--- Thomas Thorneley
Much fatter, older Peter got.
And Wendy marital
And Hook, an Admiral.
The critics PANned it quite a lot.
--- Irving Superior P8402
To record what one sees in a trice,
Demanding great riches,
For those son-of bitches,
At Kodak keep raising the price.
--- F Stop Fitzgerald
Thinking each utterance must be P.C.
Yet they call it art
To piss and to fart
For an art show in big galleries.
--- Marsha Magee
And I tell you my eyes fairly glinted,
At the toes and the knees,
The those and the these,
But quiet! Or I'll never be printed.
--- D W Barker
Said, "Reviewing is not what it looks.
Now I always choose
To review the reviews
Of the books about writers of books."
--- D H Cudmore
Of the Muse gives a wonderful lift;
But if I had the pen
Of one Wilkens, A.N.,
I would happily set her adrift!
--- Norm Storer P9509
The result is that now I feel bad.
"I hate your story,"
Was derogatory,
And the note that I got was from Dad!
--- Al Willis T9712
"Now I've something important to say!
This dirty rag that you send
From here to Land's End,
Should not even be legal today!"
--- Ken
At the writing of other folk's jokes.
May the fires down in Hell
Be stoked up quite well.
But how will you ever take notes?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Tried to show me his art.
Alas, I'm too lazy,
Or maybe too crazy,
To take all his words to my heart.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Said, "It's time to be making a splash.
I can paint, if I care,
Things to startle and scare,
Though I'm fully aware they are trash."
--- Thomas Thorneley
This is file mwm
I will beat you with bamboo canes;
And pineapples rough end
Up your backside I'll send...
Attached to a tiger by chains.
--- David Miller
From an honest blurb writer named Herb:
"The plot's not so hot...
The whole book is pure rot...
But for wiping your arse, it's superb."
--- Michael Weinstein P0211a
From the Santa Fe cultural mart.
It's hard to conceive
What she's got up he sleeve:
She wears rubber and calls herself art.
--- Linda Monacelli P9802
What's the essence that sets it apart
From the everyday norm?
Is it figure or form
Or just something that tugs at the heart?
--- Peter Wilkins
It is art, or maybe the sounds
Of bowling balls striking,
Are more to your liking;
The comical bumbling of clowns?
--- Matthew Montchalin
Is narrow; I hopefully trust
Your thoughts are ethereal,
Beyond the material
That covers those curves and that bust.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Kept records of bees in a folder.
He made up a graph,
Then started to laugh,
Finding art in the eye of bee holder.
--- Liam na Beag
Who in every respect is a bristler.
A tube of white lead
Or a punch in the head
Comes equally handy to Whistler
--- Dante G Rossetti
Your meter and rhythm you botch.
Your rhymes are OK
But permit me to say,
I could write better stuff with my crotch.
--- Ed Randolf
Gets an urge to exhibit his putz.
While the Klesmer band plays,
He just wiggles and sways
To the beat. This drives all the girls nuts.
--- Joel Cohen
Took a sailor, one night, to her sack.
When queried, "Romancing?"
She said, "No, we're dancing.
This step is called Balling the Jack."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9206
Went out while wearing the wrong pants.
Gentlemen gave her a twirl,
This silly old girl;
Now she's banned from the South of France.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Are Can-Can girls exposing their seats.
And though immodest they,
And "Up Yours" seem to say,
The men keep begging for repeats.
--- Irving Superior P9804
The can-can, which we got from France,
Fills me with disgust,
It generates lust,
You should see it while you have the chance.
--- Frank Richards
Who danced in a bawdy review.
With her naughty cancan,
She could snare any man;
So of husbands, she's had quite a few.
--- Warrick Elrod
Who asked a young hippie to dance.
But whilst do the cancan
His glass eye fell out, man,
And shattered all hope of romance.
--- Funfax Limericks
Was erotic French dancing's big fan.
"She deserves some acclaim",
Her workmates would exclaim;
"Canny canner Kahn sure can cancan"!
--- Doug Harris P0507
Is thought in their heads, all the while,
To get chance to bunk
With a writhing hunk,
Named after a furniture style.
--- Chris Papa
Who had to be barred from the Conga.
The heat of the dance
Made his trousers advance,
As the Conga got longer and longer.
--- Anon
Said that he could do the splits.
But when he let rip
He busted his zip,
And shook his maracas to bits.
--- Funfax Limericks
Who promoted a dance called The Screw.
Disco by disco,
From New York to Frisco,
He made it the in-thing to do.
--- John Ciardi
Just loved to show off at the disco.
Once she danced the can-can,
While eating a SPAM,
All the way from Las Vegas to Frisco.
--- Mike O'Conner
Whose motives were misty and murky.
For a girl who was curvish,
He'd dance like a dervish,
With entrechats quirkly jerky.
--- Norm Storer P9606
"I cannot fandango, I fear.
'Twas rather unwise
To eat tripe and mince pies,
On top of that gin mixed with beer."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Learned classical dance peu a peu,
And the tutor felt sure
She'd be quite demure
When working a faux-pas de deux.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8711
I'll go and I'll enjoy the sight
Of lawyers and wives
Discussing their lives
While I hide in corners in fright.
--- Marty
That fantastic trip I did light.
Stayed on the dance floor
And still asked for more
Watching me was a wonderful sight.
--- Arden
Not one of them's dancing was bad.
From Meringe to twist,
Not one tune was missed.
Exhausted I was, just a tad.
--- Arden
Flexible limbs had erotic surprises.
Though renowned in the sack,
When flat on her back
Won high marks for floor exercises.
--- Lanark
Engaged in a wild Apache dance.
She was thrown 'cross the floor,
Slid right through the door,
And landed somewhere in Provence!
--- Warrick Elrod
She would guzzle ten shots of tequila.
Then she'd line up the boys,
Tell them to get poised.
And then launch into "Hava Nagila!"
--- Samuel T Sterns
Thought onset of stiffness a crime.
She accepted her fate
When a supple young date
Said her bed-i-ly moves were sublime.
--- Macsam
Is to spin around on your left heel.
Then you waggle your dirk
With a bit of a smirk.
At least those are my grounds for appeal.
--- Bill Wall
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