MORE
A short sighted Russian called Bakeski, A pig cannot, like you, do without There once was a hog who did snuffle, My wife and I sadly are parting; A pig ate a very large fungus. Porky was the apotheosis The warthog is terribly warty; When pigs fly, as some people say, A chamberpot lies 'neath my bed, An Aruban, in a big nervous sweat, There once was a family of bears, Endeavored a lady in No. Dak. An animal hunter was fined If you walk in the woods here today, Keep looking when out on the trails, A dumb Eskimo lad on a dare, A lecherous trapper named Bass A Montana rancher named Rouse A grizzly was lamenting affairs; My wife and I strolling one day A man once camped out in Lodeen When a cub, unaware being bare A friendly old cinnamon bear A Finn and a Czech on the trail, There once was a man named Blair A fellow who wasn't aware A cynic of much savoir-faire While camping, an actor named Dare Said the vet when he looked at my pet: Two bears met and fought maw to maw; Four bear with forbears met four hare A grizzley bear hirsute and hunky You've heard of Fuzzy Wuzzy the Bear? A tourist with prizes from Bisley Two bears met and they fought maw to maw; It's blowing a blizzard out there; A man to the Park Ranger phoned: A polar bear, shivering wet, The great polar bear is a bundle Bears come in polar, grizzly and black; There once was this grizzly bear, A trapper on snowshoes, Pierre, While scrambling out of the den, The bear, wide awake in his den, It's a foolhardy person who'll dare There once was a lady named Tate, There once was a ten-foot brown bear, While poopling right next to a tree, The bear was exceedingly fired, The squirrel said, "I'm sorry, dear sir. The bear, quite annoyed, said "Dear girl, There is a smart bear named Sunny, A cheerful old bear at the Zoo There once was a lady called Tate When zookeeper Jane's feeling spunky, When engaging in sport with her ape, Last Sunday I went to the zoo' The aardvark of Colchester Zoo When down at the zoo, it's my habit The toucan I'll put to the test; Said a zoo man, "I've nursed a sick goat. Sir Archibald Locksley Fitzhugh, I bought a fur hat at the zoo; I recently went to the zoo, I most likely will never go back And Susie of Colchester zoo
One day made a dreadful mistakeski.
He thought a brown bear
(Fast asleep) was a chair,
He discovered his mistakeski too lateski's
--- Patricia Merrien
That snufflingly sensitive snout.
You could, if you chose to,
Search mud with your nose, too,
But, goodness, you'd look like a lout!
--- David A Brooks Q
Under leaves and twigs did he ruffle.
With his nose he did poke
Underneath a dead oak,
And unearthed a most glorious truffle.
--- Bruce
In our lounge is a farm she is starting.
She's fed all the pigs
On syrup of figs;
No wonder my eyes are still smarting.
--- Kevin Hale Q
That mushroom was really humongous.
For his bad stomach ache
Lot of pills he did take;
But he is no longer among us.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9305
Of pigs, but now needs hypnosis.
His anguished cry
Has upset the sty,
In these days of swine neurosis.
--- Anon
It has a million and forty.
You would think it would seem
A dermatologists dream
To catch one while out on a sortie.
--- Macsam
Lots of things will happen that day.
But I don't understand,
Where will they land,
So I can get out of the way!
--- Lee Malone TP9806
But I use it for shelter instead;
When pigs start to fly,
As they do in the sky,
Then I jam it real tight on my head.
--- Peter Wilkins
Sought advice from the resident vet:
"Mama pig is quite ill.
Have you potion or pill,
You can assure me, it will Curacao?"
--- Bill Edwards P9105
Who didn't assume any airs.
Through the winter they slept;
In the spring they all crept
Sleepily out of their lairs.
--- William K Alsop Jr
To shoot a large bear with a Kodak.
The button she pressed,
The bear did the rest.
The lady stopped running in So. Dak.
--- Anon (Wells) (Bibby)
For corrupting a young lady's mind.
He's said, "Near the Cape --
What a narrow escape --
I ran miles with a great bear behind!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Make sure from the path you don't stray.
It's a good thing as well,
If you fix little bells
To your clothes; that will scare bears away.
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Cause bear droppings have certain tell-tales.
You will soon recognise
That they're bear's. Use you eyes!
'Cause they always contain little bells.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Grabbed the balls of a huge polar bear;
Though it wasn't much use,
They did pry the guy loose.
The remains: a crushed skull and some hair.
--- Armand Singer
Was humping an Eskimo lass,
But an icy cold breeze
Froze the skin on his knees,
And a polar bear chewed off his ass.
--- Armand E Singer 338
Once found a black bear in his house.
He could only stare
At the bear in his chair,
Who'd crept in as quiet as a mouse.
--- William K Alsop Jr
The hunters had shot all the bears.
His uncle was stuffed
And stood looking gruff;
His granny, a rug by the stairs.
--- Anon
In the woods, met a bear at play.
He was friendly and sunny
Till I called my wife "Honey."
Now that was the wrong thing to say.
--- Laurence Perrine Lib Lim
In some woods he thought were serene.
He awoke with a scare
And found that a bear
Had ripped out his liver and spleen.
Was the best-dressed state for a bear,
Put on a barrel
For wearing apparel,
His mother cried, "This I can't bear!"
--- Eve Merriam
Was sniffing the crisp autumn air;
And he shouted, "By Jove!
I think I smell clove!
Halloo! Cousin Lou! Are you there?~
--- Lims Unlimited
Were eaten by bears, a sad tale;
When the female bear died,
The Finn was inside;
It's presumed that the Czech's in the male.
--- Ed Potts P8511a
Who went out hunting for bear.
He wanted a fur coat
But went down the bear's throat,
So he got his fur coat then and there.
--- Damon Richards P9302
Of being pursued by a bear,
Stopped a minute to eat,
But was turned into meat
That the bear had to eat in his lair.
--- Warrick Elrod
Pursued by a horrible bear,
Said, "I'll argue a while
In the feminine style.
No creature could follow me there."
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Is eating some fine beche-de-mer.
He hears a loud noise
And loses his poise --
And exits, pursued by a bear.
--- Armand E Singer 527
"That's the skinniest bear that I've met.
I'll soon alter that."
Now the bear's nice and fat,
But the question is -- where is the vet?
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
It was part of the natural law.
Finally one was hurt
And as he hit the dirt,
He was killed; 'twas a stunning foe paw.
--- Tom Patton P0609
And the bear bared the hare of their hair.
The four hare cried, "Forbear!"
Said the four bear, "Four hare
Are fair fare for four bear with forbears."
--- Bob Giandomenico
Said, "Cubs, don't the humans look funky?
I bet they taste sweet,
But do not touch the meat.
It's genetically modified monkey.
--- Graham Lester
You know, the dude who didn't have any hair?
While not being fuzzy,
Toast Point deemed him skuzzy,
Cause he keeps a dead whore in his lair!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
This is file msk
Was sure he could handle things hisly.
With his gun he set forth
To discomfit the north --
He was eaten for lunch by a grizzly.
--- Hugh Oliver 96d
It was part of the natural law.
Finally one was hurt
And as he hit the dirt,
He was killed; 'twas a stunning foe paw.
--- Tom Patton P0604
It's snowing and freezing the air.
The world's turning white,
So it's winter, all right.
Just a shame that there's no polar bear.
--- Rory Ewins
"I am frightened by black bears!" he groaned.
"Paint their asses all red.
So I'll spot them ahead,
And be sure to leave no stern untoned."
--- Al Chaplin P9410
Sneaked into the town of Annette;
They built him a fire
And soon he was drier,
And salted and peppered and et.
--- Lims Unlimited
Of fur that will happily trundle
Across the deep snow,
With nowhere to go,
As it travesl the cold arctic tundle.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In quantities there is no lack.
Each day, half past four,
They go by my back door
For a garbage can to ransack.
--- William K Alsop Jr
With a horribly loud ugly prayer,
Which he kept on repeating
To cover the bleating
Of lambs sacrificed in his lair.
--- Virge
Fell into a den with a bear.
The bear said, "Well, well,
This sleazy hotel
Has room service beyond compare."
--- Lee Basnar
Pierre, the most gallant of men,
Said, "Pardon me, bear,
Did not see you there,
Won't be overbearing again."
--- Lee Basnar
Said, "If that man comes back again,
I have a strong hunch
I will have him for lunch,
And I won't offer grace or amen."
--- Lee Basnar
To have lunch in the woods with a bear.
If you have such designs,
Then beejeezus defines
What he'll probably out of you, scare.
--- Chuck Folkers
Who won a live bear at a fete.
To her home it was led,
But it hadn't been fed,
And the police got there seconds too late.
--- Michael Palin
Who woke when spring tickled the air.
'Twas too warm to nap --
He needed a crap,
And stretched, and breathed deep to prepare.
--- H Welchel
And taking a torrential pee,
He rolled up his eyes,
And to his surprise
A little gray squirrel watched with glee.
--- H Welchel
And through his clenched teeth he inquired,
"Can't a bear take a shit
In the woods for a bit?
This peeping is just not required!"
--- H Welchel
I don't mean to badger or slur,
But, curious me,
I wanted to see
If excrement sticks to brown fur."
--- H Welchel
Does scat adhere to gray curl?"
She said meekly, "Yes."
Then to her distress,
The bear wiped his ass with the squirrel.
--- H Welchel
Who has a great fondness for honey.
He can find it so well.
How? He won't tell.
It's funny how Sunny finds honey.
--- Anon
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.
--- Anon
Who won a live bear at a fete.
To her home is was led
But it hadn't been fed,
And the police got there seconds too late.
--- Michael Palin
She does things that she thinks is funky.
Sometimes she'll engage
To climb in a cage,
And squat while she plays with her monkey.
--- Travis Brasell
The ape gets turned on by Jane's shape.
For the treetops he swings;
A banana he brings
To her thighs that are spread and agape.
--- Travis Brasell
A monkey there looked just like you.
Oh no, that's not fair,
She had much less leg hair.
Her nose was far daintier, too.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Likes concocting a hidious brew;
When on termites he dines,
He swigs lagers and wines,
And then farts like a tenor Kazoo.
--- Peter Wilkins
To greet the grey goose, then I'll grab it
Away from its nest,
And give it my best,
Then I'll pork the pig, rodger the rabbit.
--- Tiddy Ogg
One look, the hyena won't jest;
The chimps I'll caress
While I boff at old Bess,
And lastly the mole I'll molest.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I've sat up all night with a stoat.
I've bandaged a flea,
But what worries me,
Is a giraffe with a flippin' sore throat."
--- Graham Lester
A zoologist hailing from Kew,
Declared it his wish,
On arriving in Mich.,
To visit the Kalama Zoo.
--- Lims Unlimited
It was made out of Winnie the Pooh.
But I can't bear to wear
It, as people all stare
Askance at me 'cause it's askew.
--- Prof
Where the names don't appear to be true.
I saw fur on the "Bear",
And "Flies" not in the air,
And they posted the age of the "Gnu."
--- Anon
To see "Flea" boldly press his attack;
"Adder"'s math makes me scowl
As does "Lion"'s prowl,
And the cynical silence of "Yak".
--- Anon
Does what lady elephants do,
Then they're tumpeted at,
Mere point and says "That
Isn't worth all that hullabaloo."
--- Peter Wilkins
MORE