MORE

I've heard a new drug has been born;
Makes you orgasm each time that you yawn.
Now each boring speech
By a political leech
Is better than triple-X porn.
--- Jeeves X

If your face is destroyed past belief,
And the pustules are giving you grief,
Just apply our fine herbals
(Which were tested on gerbils),
And we'll bring you fast acne relief.
--- Ward Hardman

Our fine herbs are all angiospermous,
And are poured on you, out of a thermos.
If you'll kindly stay placid,
While enduring the acid,
They'll remove what is left of your dermis.
--- Ward Hardman

Would you kindly supress that next scream?
And try harder, sir, not to blaspheme!
We have rid you of skin
Which has brought you chagrin,
And your cheekbones do certainly gleam.
--- Ward Hardman

In La Belle France you'll come to know
When the telephone's answered, they show
Great respect for extant,
Their Folk Medicine plant,
Which they honor by saying "Aloe."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9807

Most remedies medically herbal,
And said to relieve or to curb all
Diseases, are bought
With no proven report,
For their stated efficiency's verbal.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807

Angelica: flavorsome root;
In a herbal concoction, will suit
Most medicinal needs,
Not your typical weeds.
And it's good eaten candied, to boot.
--- David Morin

Arrowroot, got for your bowels,
Just pronounce it without any vowels,
And it sounds like a fart;
All together now, "RRWRT!"
(But cover you nostrils with towels.)
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807

The root of the buttercup's said
To be good for performance in bed.
But if you partake
Of too much by mistake,
You'll be pushing up daisies instead.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807

If you happen to tremble or shiver,
If you ache or you sneeze or you quiver,
You need not be a martyr,
Take the product by Carter,
Little Pills that are made for your liver.
--- Bob Birch P9807

Remember the mustard plaster;
Grandmother's response to disaster;
Those enema bags,
And gut-wrenching gags
When made to drink oil of Castor.
--- Bob Birch P9807X

If feet are a problem, chiropody
Won't do the job like the property
Found efficacious
In coltsfoot, good gracious,
'Twill soon make you hippity-hoppity.
--- Peter Wilkins P9807

In Limerick, Ireland, they say
There's a freshwater spring by the bay,
That cures ailments chronic;
In fact, it's so tonic,
You'll think in A A B B A!
--- Stef Spad

Some wisdom I'd like to impart;
Digitalis is good for the heart,
But in doses so small
You can't see them at all.
(Taking more is not terribly smart.)
--- Peter Wilkins P9807

Some girls keep a youthful appearance
By forming a loyal endearance
To creams and smooth lotions,
New chemical potions
And liquids of pasty adherence.
--- Alex Heydon P0401

My aunt fed me sassafras tea
And a saucer of fried bumble-bee.
Some nice dandelions
And hair from bovines,
She said this would cure my TB.
--- Al Willis P9807

On doctor's strict orders, I strove
To eat garlic each hour by the clove.
He said, "Good for the heart."
Well, it just made me fart.
(But I saved on the gas for my stove.)
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807

Whenever I'm sick my friends croon,
"You're not well, you poor thing, get well soon."
If they only knew how
To decree, "Get well NOW!"
There's a chance I'd recover by noon.
--- Anon

If you do not have infinite wealth,
Avoid Ginkgo biloba for health.
For a handful of doses,
Combined with hypnosis,
Will damage your pocket by stealth.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807

My dear wife suggested that I
Should give Ginkgo Biloba a try.
She thinks I'll benefit
If I start taking it.
Though at present, I can't recall why.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9807

Take your A and your D and some C,
And you guys don't forget to take Z.
And what can I say,
There's D-H-E-A,
Washed down with a strong herbal tea.
--- Bob Birch P9807

A strange little woman named Phelp,
Came to my door selling kelp.
She said I should eat it.
And I said to her, "Beat it!"
She should call up a shrink; she needs help.
--- Al Willis P9807

He was told, "If your dong won't get hard,
Let it soak in a bucket of lard."
But just once in the bucket
And his wife couldn't suck it --
It got soft and all shrunken and scarred.
--- William N Nesbit P9807

I've remained upon this Mortal Coil,
Not through clean living and honest toil,
But by dodging the chills
Aided by Liver Pills,
Lots of Witch Hazel and ZEMO Oil.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9807

A gardening enthusiast, Fox,
Felt unwell so he went to the doc's.
After prodding and poking,
The doc said, "No joking,
You've Physalis, Lungwort and Phlox."
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807

When fortune's unfairnesses squeeze ya,
And "drink to forget" feelings sieze ya,
To the pharmacy go,
And drive away woe,
With a bottle of milk of amnesia.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A witch doctor from Micronesia
Had a novel treatment for amnesia:
Dried penguin gizzards
And eyes of a lizard,
In a cupful of Milk of Magnesia.
--- Anon

If you're searching for a safer cure,
Beware of the naturals pure,
Like arsenic and poison oak.
Deadly nightshade and sulfer soak;
Some natural potions can injure.
--- Lynn Mostafa

They say that by giving a soak
To the leaves of the old English Oak,
You will end up with "tea"
Which is good for the pee.
(But I guess it's a medical hoak.)
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807

Recently, in emotional spin,
I performed an act, but won't again.
I did experience
"Out of Body" events,
Fool I am though, I went right back in.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9807X

My wife's menopausal friend Jill's
On six evening primrose oil pills
Each day. What's it done?
She's calmer, more fun,
And willing to give fellows thrills.
--- Tiddy Ogg

My little friend Snip is a hoot.
When told evening primrose would suit
As a cure for hot flushes,
For aging old lushes,
She chewed flower and leaf...even root.
--- Ticketyboo

The flowers of St. John's Wort, they said,
Are a cure for a pain in the head.
So I took their advice,
And I sniffed once or twice,
But acquired sinusitis instead.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807

This is file mql

There once was a fellow named Mort,
A sad and real negative sort.
Once quite prone to cry,
Now such a nice guy,
Since starting to take St. John's Wort.
--- Bob Birch P9806

The charlatan fed us some roots,
And a stew made of entrails of newts.
We puked in the foyer
And then called our lawyer.
That guy's going to pay; bet your boots.
--- Al Willis P9807

There once was a black-hearted knave
Who sold me some pills at a rave.
The bastard had gall;
He sold me Tylenol
Instead of the substance I crave.
--- Phil T

Methinks chemotherapy's shit;
My brain's just a cavernous pit.
My little grey cell
Has pissed off to hell,
And left me a rhymeless dumb twit.
--- Anon

Indeed chemotherapy must
Be a shit-and-a-half but I trust
That you're doing just swell
And it doesn't curtail
Your enjoyment of sexual lust.
--- Anon

A gal from the south side of Dallas
Put athletic lips 'round my phallus.
She sucked with such vigor,
My frenzy did trigger
Angina. Where's my digitalis?
--- Randog

I've got digitalis right here;
To get that thing pumping, no fear.
One thump on your chest
With my naked breast,
You angina will soon disappear
--- Carol

Your breasts are the cure for angina.
In thanks, may I please your vagina?
I'll fill your hot oven
And while we are lovin',
They'll hear your moan in Carolina.
--- Randog

In the case of extreme public need,
Or when faced with extreme public greed,
The law of Brazil
Says the government will
Make the drugs and pay patents no heed.
--- Dr Limerick

Manufacturers of pharmaceuticals
Say they're doing their best to be dutiful;
"We'll negotiate
With the ungrateful state,
But their remedy is quite unsuitable."
--- Dr Limerick

My name I came by by mischance;
At Mom's health, the doc looked askance.
He had a scheme
for beating anem-
Ia, so she did the prescription dance.
--- Anon

She took pills containing Fe,
Built back up her blood just for me!
Her sis said with scorn,
"When that li'l bastard's born
We might as well call it Rusty!"
--- Anon

Francois was looped to the gills
After swallowing seventy pills.
He said, "C'est la guerre."
When he took up the dare
To seek one of life's silly thrills.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

But Francois was doubly blessed,
For those pills he couldn't digest.
His thrill was usurped
When the pills he up-burped,
And maybe you have guessed the rest.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Those pills were not for elation,
But were those that were used for sedation.
So his eyes he did close,
Crossed his hands in repose
And hibernated for the duration.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

I've read in the water I drink,
There's pure estrogen. So I think
A precautionary pill
Of testosterone will
Be the answer to genital shrink?
--- Anon

I wonder at times if it's not
A deliberate feminist plot
By a coven of women
Incredibly grim 'n
So ugly they need to be shot.
--- Anon

Please pity thalidomide Frank;
No arms, so he can't have a wank;
No cash for a whore,
So he's splinters galore
In his dick, from a hole in the plank.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Your sympathy might be misplaced.
Not a drop of his semen does waste.
From flexible stock,
He sucks his own cock,
And fully enjoys his own taste.
--- Anon

That's one I did never consider,
How Thalidomide children deliver
Their wads of spermatic;
Though auto-eratic,
It makes me just shiver and quiver.
--- NoOne

The age of the pill has arrived;
One wonders how past folks survived.
In your home, a drugstore,
Shelf space, you need more,
Does lack of pills mean you're deprived?
--- Joel D Ash P9808

Vitamins all lined up with your juice,
Too many but hard to reduce.
Take A, C, and D,
Multi plus extra E,
Adding new ones that they introduce.
--- Joel D Ash P9808

There are pills to achieve weight control,
Modern ways that you reach a pound goal.
If your head starts to ache,
There's a pill you can take;
To remain a thin soul takes a toll.
--- Joel D Ash P9808

Allergies? -- more pills are required;
Don't forget pills you need if you're tired.
Take a cruise on a boat;
Pop a pill down your throat;
Motion sickness, a move not desired.
--- Joel D Ash P9808

Are you worried about all those pills?
Not to mention the ones for your ills;
Does it keep you awake?
Take a pill that they make,
Go to sleep to escape the pill bills.
--- Joel D Ash P9808

Now hospital doctors must deign
To ask patients if they are in pain.
The DHHS
Is making a guess
This'll help to make health care humane.
--- Dr Limerick 02-20-01

HMO's are known for dumb docs
Who stroll 'round in their monogrammed smocks.
They implant springs
And keys and things,
For winding biological clocks.
--- Tom Patton P9704X

The patient let out with a yell;
"This hospital's cheap...bloody hell!
The nurses are plain,
The Doc has no brain,
And his scalpels are all blunt as well!"
--- Anon

"I get burps and bad acid from wine;
There's both legs and left kidney of mine,
That pounding old pain,
My massive migraine!
The hormones. But really I'm fine!"
--- Christopher Woodger P0409

If a widow has moods of dejection
And she suffers from loss of affection,
Then her pain will subside
When the Health Plans provide
A bronze cast of her husband's erection.
--- Al Chaplin P9405

Candidate Clinton was not being square
With our old folks about medicare.
Now the campaign's put to bed
With healthcare changes ahead.
"Bait and Switch" on the sick isn't fair.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Suave Robert, he played the field,
But to charm, he finally would yield.
Seduced by Maria,
He got gonorrhea,
But his cure was picked up by Blue Shield.
--- Thomas G Keller P9405

On hospital health care, each nurse
A Marilyn Monroe, no worse.
A blouse peek-a-boo,
A generous two,
Who'll impotent symptoms reverse.
--- Irving Superior P9405


MORE