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There's an emerald frog down the loo.
Please beware ot the funnel-web who
Lies in wait by the door.
Snakes breed under the floor,
And your supper of shark could eat you.
--- Ruth Silcock

All animals know what they're after;
Good health and long lives and loud laughter.
Our relatives simian,
(Both males and the wimian),
Let their joy ring from the giraffter.
--- Cynthia MacGregor

A lamb and a nudist called Mary,
On a path met a pig so contrary,
That to get anywhere,
They called in a bear -
A bare bear but nonetheless scary!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The sow could do nothing but grunt
While the bare bear attacked from the front,
While our girl and her lamb
(Who would soon be a ram)
Took turns in assaulting her cunt.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

In a castle that had a deep moat
Lived a chicken, a duck, and a goat.
They wanted to go out
And wander about
But all they needed was a boat.
--- Anon

There was an old man with a beard,
Whose habits truly were weird.
He lived with a cow,
A hen and a sow,
And a chimpanzee which he had reared.
--- William K Alsop Jr

When Constance first went to the farm,
A spectacle rife with alarm
Came into her view.
She screamed "Sacre Bleu!
A man with a cow for an arm!"

(unless seeing a cow pregnancy test, you'd not believe it)
--- H Welchel

"Mme Constaance, don't make yourself sick!
Why it's only the vet, Mr Rick!
Our here on the range
Ain't nothing that's strange!"
Said the boy with an ass for a prick.
--- H Welchel

Recover she did and was rallyin',
Then spotted the young Arab stallion.
And faint she did not,
But ran to the spot,
And with his great weapon was dallyin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg

She tried on the horse for a back,
Then thought, "It's a belly I lack..."
She coaxed a fat boar
To augment her fore.
They melded, those three, in a stack.
--- H Welchel

At rest in the vegetable patch,
Our Mme, quite red 'round the snatch,
Was heard to exclaim,
"This farm is to blame!
There's too many beasts to attach!"
--- H Welchel

Iguanas, chameleons and frogs;
Hyenas and llamas and hogs;
Opossums and cats,
Gorillas and rats;
Koalas and monkeys and dogs.
--- Cap'n Bean P0402

When you buy some tinned food for a pet,
You don't know what you'll actually get.
With a large appetite,
Eating all day and night,
You may simply get run into debt.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

I've sworn off of eating small fairies;
My preference now is canaries
With occasional mice,
(I chomp on them twice)
And a pubis that hasn't got hairies!
--- Archie

Wibbly, Wobbly, Woo,
A Meow, A Bark, And A Moo,
A Grunt and A Quack,
A scratch of my back,
A Fart, A Belch, and a Coo.
--- Anon

There once was an eccentric of Metz,
Who filled all his villa with pets,
Who filled all the floors,
Both windows and doors,
Which just leaves an outhouse for vets.
--- Leslie Johnson

Even tiniest fleas' acrobatics
Call for more than all known mathematics.
And who's yet seen the wizard
Who could fathom a lizard?
(Not to mention the habits of haddocks! )
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Some fleas can jump twenty-foot walls,
And skunks have a smell which appals.
The blue whale, of course,
Is hung more than a horse,
But it's moths have the tiniest balls.
--- Anon

Despite what I posted before,
Young Jimmy the clothes-moth has four...
"Four what?" you may ask.
'Fore you take me to task,
He had four-teen inch bollocks or more.
--- Anon

The elephants always were swell,
And the lions and tigers," said Mel.
"Though we just couldn't wait
Till they opened the gate,
The show never was good as the smell."
--- A N Wilkins P8711

A cat, and a rat, and a snake,
Stayed friends for appearances sake.
But the snake asked the cat
If he'd eat up the rat,
To flavour the dinner he'd take.
--- Anon

For mammals, their hair is ubiquitous,
Be it darker or fair it's infectious.
The fair ones like sun,
But the dark ones will run
For the daylight makes them too conspicuous.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest

When we think of the dominant mammal,
Like the cat or the dog or the camel,
We know that their hair,
Be it darker or fair
Is specific to this type of an'mal.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest

The hare was an arrogant beast,
He claimed he was "God" to a priest!
With a snarl and a glare,
Tortoise shot the hare,
And made some hare stew for a feast.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

When encouraging livestock creation,
Handle mothers with care, not vexation.
Artificial or real,
It's still a big deal
To be subject to insemination.
--- David Morin

Poor Chuck's been kicked out of his digs
For befriending a couple of pigs.
He was taken to court
By his neighbors who thought
He was feeding them syrup of figs.
--- Anon

"I'm sorry, your honor, to worry
My neighbors by feeding them curry
And syrup of figs...
It's amazing that pigs
Can produce such a volume of slurry."
--- Anon

"It is, Chuck, but sorry to say,
That I'll have to evict you today;
And your pigs will be taken
And sliced into bacon."
Cried Chuck, "But I've nowhere to stay."
--- Anon

"My mother and father disown
Me; my granny's a vicious old crone;
All my uncles and aunts
Are now living in France;
So there's only my step-sister Joan."
--- Anon

"And she is as mad as a hatter
And ..." "Stop!" said the judge, "All this chatter.
To Joan you will go ..."
"But ..." "I don't want to know.
Case dismissed. That's the end of the matter."
--- Anon

So Chuck made his way all alone
To the home of his step-sister Joan
Where she'd pinned up a note
Saying 'Dangerous Goat'
And another which merely said 'Zone'.
--- Anon

"A Dang something Goat Zone?" thought Chuck
(For on long words he often gets stuck).
And while stood at the door
He was knocked to the floor
By what seemed like a twenty-ton truck.
--- Anon

The door opened half an inch wide;
"What's that bleating?" his step-sister cried.
Then she noticed poor Chuck
Lying down in the muck
And he groaned as she dragged him inside.
--- Anon

This is file mqk

Now Chuck has his very own bed
In his step-sister's tumble-down shed
Which he shares with a goat
Round whose neck is a note
That reads 'BUTTER' in letters of red.
--- Anon

For Chuck's never been on a farm
And he might cause all sorts of alarm;
So the notes serve as warnings
'Case one of these mornings
He comes to some terrible harm.
--- Anon

[The notes on mosquitoes were small;
Microscopic, I seem to recall.
But I'm sure they said 'BITE'
In a good enough light,
Though poor Chuck couldn't read them at all. ]
--- Anon

This morning at quarter past ten
He encountered his very first hen
With a note that said 'PECK'
Round it's beak, and by 'eck,
So he did, and got bitten again.
--- Anon

At lunchtime he saw his first sheep;
In fact flocks of them half a mile deep.
But the one which appeared
Just a little more weird
Than the others was labelled 'BO PEEP'.
--- Anon

Oh look now! He's out in the grass,
But he hasn't seen 'VICIOUS' alas.
Yes it's Sidney; a fully
Grown bad-tempered bull. (He
Should run if he values his ass.)
--- Anon

Hey Chuck! Ohmygod, it's too late!
For he's flying right over that gate
With his pantaloons shredded.
Just look where he's headed;
A dung heap; oh, such is his fate.
--- Anon

The last time we heard about Chuck
He was lying face down in the muck
Of a dung heap, poor fool;
He'd been tossed by a bull
Name of Sidney. What rotten bad luck.
--- Anon

"Oh Chuck", said his step-sister Joan,
"It would seem I can't leave you alone
For a minute or two
Without finding that you
Have been injured; you're accident prone."
--- Anon

"So come, let's find Bessie the cow;
She needs milking around about now."
"C O W?" "Yes",
She said. "Does that spell Bess?"
He said. "Yes", she said, knitting her brow.
--- Anon

"Good heavens!" cried Chuck in surprise,
"She's enormous a helluva size.
Is she Scottish?" "Why yes,
Chuck; but how did you guess?"
"It's those bagpipes", he said, "'tween her thighs."
--- Anon

"No no; they're not bagpipes you fool;
They're her ... never mind, sit on this stool."
So he sat himself down
And he looked with a frown
At the dangly bits all labelled 'PULL'.
--- Anon

"Well pull them then! Aim for the pail",
Said his step-sister swigging her ale.
So he took a deep breath
And he yanked them to death;
"Not so fast!" shouted Joan, "Watch her tail."
--- Anon

Too late; for young Bessie on cue
Hoist her tail in the air and went "Moo."
What came next left Chuck vexed
And a trifle perplexed
At the warm squelchy mess in his shoe.
--- Anon

A lawyer, a skunk, and a mouse:
Together were sharing a house.
Said the mouse to the skunk,
"I can't live with this funk!
"Let's evict him and rent us a louse."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Said the skunk to the mouse, "My dear friend,
I agree this arrangement must end.
But evicting a lawyer?
We'd surely be sorrier
Than if we had pissed in the wind."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Hey, mister, your barn door's ajar,
The livestock's escaped a bit far.
Though I recognize most
'Tween you, me, and the post,
I don't know what all of those are!
--- Anon

In zoo class, Gus made a big fuss,
His eyes sadly gazing at us,
"I can see why a camel
Is known as a mammal,
But not so that dumb platypus."
--- Vertech Limerick Contest

Last year's census uncovered the strange
New constituency of Lagrange;
Seven women, three men,
Plus two roosters, one hen,
And a single white dog with the mange.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

From the moon-landing clip from Apollo,
Hippopotamus subtitles follow;
"For an animal, that
Was a very small splat.
But for animals, one giant wallow!"
--- Prof M-G TP9901

The tuna mom eats with her tea;
On the can states it's "Dolphin Friendly."
But I cannot see
Just how this can be
When we're stripping their food from the sea.
--- S&M

Some countries are still hunting whales;
Shark carcasses dumped minus tails.
Extinction in motion;
Stop raping the ocean.
Yet still slaughter ships set their sails.
--- S&M

Shark's fin and Rhino's proud horn...
From the Tiger the penis is torn.
Nature lies bleeding;
Man keeps on breeding,
Infecting the Earth with his spawn.
--- Tutta Gioia

There lives a young girl in Uganda,
Who keeps, in the country, a panda;
And at home in Kampala
She has a koala --
I honestly don't understand her.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I once knew a student named Sarah,
As haughty as Scarlett O'Hara.
She said, "Pandas are rare,
And duckbills are rare,
And coelecanths even rarer.
--- Monique de Plume

There was a young lady named Sue
Who panty-hose held a whole zoo:
Ten piggys, an ass,
That was really first class,
Two calves and a big pussy, too.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8802

A guru who lives near some willows
Has odd looking blankets and pillows.
He sleeps in the hills
Upon porcupine quills,
Under blankets of old armadillos.
--- Peter Wilkins

There was a zoo keeper named Lew
Who knew every beast in the zoo;
The rhinoceros and elephant,
Preposterous, though relavent,
But he never knew what was a gnu.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2670

Said the snail to the tortoise: "You may
Find it hard to believe what I say;
You will think it absurd,
But I give you my word,
They fined me for speeding today.
--- Oliver Herford

"Well, well!" said the tortoise. "Dear me,
How defective your motor must be!
Though I speed every day,
Not a fine do I pay;
The police cannot catch me, you see!"
--- Oliver Herford

In Hartford, Hereford and Hants,
I shot an elephant in my pants.
Then an antelope came by
With a tear in his eye,
Saying kill me but spare all the ants.
--- Anon

There's no need to live in remorse
For two can live cheaply, of course.
Choose a partner with care
And you'll sing, I declare,
Like the sparrow who shares with a horse.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8212

A saucy spider named Megs
Was proud of her eight hairy legs.
"Though I've only got two,"
Said her chicken friend, Pru,
"I can cackle, and fly, and lay eggs."
--- Funfax Limericks


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