When I saw my doctor today
I feared what the blood test might say;
But Doc said, "I assure you,
I most surely can cure you,
If your Health Insurance will pay."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9405X

The doctors are casting aspersion
On each payment stategy version;
See, what counts ain't our health,
But preserving their wealth;
They're practicing health care perversion.
--- Mark Levy P9406

A patient who kept getting worse
Cried out, "I must go home now, nurse!
You've all done your best
And performed every test,
But I've come to the end of my purse.
--- Anon

There was a rough dude from Pine Bluff,
Who claimed to be wirey and tough.
But when given a shot,
Believe it or not,
He'd faint, just like a cream puff.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

One part of a Health Plan should be
A humane apothecary.
One dollar a pill,
A budget can kill;
I'm speaking generically.
--- Irving Superior P9405

And also for AARP.
And if it's not ASAP.
If you do not RSVP,
While warning the NYSE.
Dear Hillary C.

I'm telling the NYPD.
--- Irving Superior P9405

My medical tab keeps on soaring;
It's reached levels that brook no ignoring.
My boss won't defray it
So I gotta pay it,
And my budget is taking a goring.
--- M Silverstein P0304

From the Colchester Hospital News
In the local gazette here last Tues:
They're bringing back matrons
To care for the patrons;
Those patients who're feeling the blues.
--- Peter Wilkins

No longer just flighty young bits,
When you feel like the ultimate pits,
But mature older lasses
With uniformed asses,
And double-sized matronly tits.
--- Peter Wilkins

But then I read further, oh curses;
Those matrons appear to be nurses
With masculine bits,
'Stead of comforting tits,
And experienced fingers and "purses".
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh shit!" mused psychiatrist Granged,
"It's no wonder my patient's deranged.
I was gone just a week,
But the HMO geek
Covering for me, medication changed."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704

There was a young girl in her bed
Who said, "It's not illness I dread,
But those terrible meals
They roll in on wheels,
Which give me a pain in the head."
--- Edwin J Weinstein

This hospital sucks, without doubt!
Wires and tubes have me trapped -- can't get out.
Plastic gourd's here for piss;
Hope to hell I don't miss!
And the nurses won't sit on my snout!
--- Allen Wolverton

I'm sorry your hospital stay
Has filled you with so much dismay.
But look on the bright side,
Those tubes aren't stuck inside,
Your dick, so you could pee or play.
--- Carol

Some say that the man is a fool,
But some think his Health Care plan's cool.
It will, says the president,
Ensure every resident
Admission to medical school.
--- Paul Lusch P9405

There were some advocates who came
To rekindle the family support flame.
But financial woes test
The best of the best,
And Medicaid drives us insane.
--- Claudia Zundel

It's a boil, not a cancerous lesion,
And for treatment it just needs a squeezin';
So don't make such a fuss,
It's just great globs of pus.
For Blue Shield -- catastrophic diseasen.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9405

The doctor works many long days,
And three or four patients he lays.
But the real crowning glory
Of this happy story,
Is that no one but medicaid pays.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0506

I was recently told by Doc Strume
And it certainly did make me fume,
"Health plans remit a bit
When we fail to admit,
So please leave my Energency Room."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704

DD kids in PA get the shaft;
Help only with waiver - that's daft.
We must find a way
To help the state pay.
Could medicare be our life raft?
--- Joan Martin

In search of that Medicaid dollar,
To serve families, in city or holler;
We shook down some matches,
Taught our systems the catches,
To make caregivers' stresses much smaller.
--- Joyce Clemens

Medicaid has many a rule.
Its funding is in a big pool.
With the economy slowing,
Life expectancy growing,
Think of it as a community tool.
--- Sharon St Aubin

The waiting list's gone through the sky,
And the flexible funds have run dry.
Our community now
Milks the medicaid cow,
Says Agosta of HSRI.
--- Susan Yuan

For ladies inherently sick,
There's a cure that will sure do the trick:
A few hours of soaking
And some fine friendly poking
From the nearest available prick.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2300

Lots of oxygen's good for the brain,
For without it, one could go insane.
And there's no disguise
For the look in their eyes,
When one's health has gone right down the drain.
--- David Axton

The old woman who lived in a shoe
Was quite pregnant and soon would be due.
But her HMO said,
"Unless you're near dead,
Your maternity benefit's through."
--- Bob Birch X

Whenever procedures are slow,
They first have to ask HMO.
Where once you were king
And got everything.
You now have become a John Doe.
--- Irving Superior P9704

My personal health plan selects
A charm that protects against hex;
An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away;
And plenty of good holesome sex.
--- Laurence Perrine P9405

It was said that the demons did yield
After the Exorcist took the field.
In view of his success
His fee claim he did press;
'Twas denied by Blue Cross and Blue Shield.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0608

Clinton hopes all the old folks are hicks
Who will frall for his lies, oh so slick.
Clinton tells them "Beware!
Dole will rob Medicare!"
Then too late they'll find out it's a trick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Clinton's backside got caught in a snare
When he promised to save Medicare.
Seniors gave their support.
The ball's now in his cort.
But I doubt our old folks have a prayer.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

On Health Plans my first choice would be
The plan that outlaws the TV --
Those needles they stick
To make you more sick,
With sleep coming haphazardly.
--- Irving Superior P9405

A mom found a DD provider;
Someone, she thought, to stand beside her.
Before she could say what,
They just took their cut
And told her they wouldn't provide her.
--- Sean Swindler

This is file mpl

The Health Plan that still is the best--
Let grandpa and grandma attest--
Will cure half our ills
And cut half our bills;
--- Irving Superior P9405X

There were some people from the state,
Who said budget cuts are our fate.
But we all got together
And ruffled some feathers,
And we showed those big bullies the gate!
--- Anon

If fibrillation your heart's meeting,
And you'd keep the feeling fleeting,
It is my impression
That a coughing session,
May restore the usual beating.
--- Daniel Ford

Insofar as a cough's like laughing,
The thoracic pressure is graphing.
Much higher each time,
The cough/laugh is prime
Resuscitation telegraphing.
--- Daniel Ford

It's time for families to band
Together and make their demands.
We're citizens too,
No different from you.
Remember, United We Stand!
--- Kim Labbe

Eliminate hospital crime!
For a cent cost, they bill you a dime.
And even worse still,
The negative thrill,.
"Wake up, Sir, It's sleeping pill time."
--- Irving Superior P9405

Health insurance plans merit a squint
And far more, so peruse the fine print.
When they read, "WE DO CARE"
It translates, "Don't you dare
Bill us! On reimbursements we stint."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9709

On Health Plans, most planners agree,
Expensive...and who'll pay the fee?
The only sure bet
Is who will forget
Democracy's motto -- WHY ME?
--- Irving Superior P9405

There once was a young man from Bud
Who gave up a pint of his blood,
And then he said,
"To make it red,
Just filter out all of the mud."
--- Lims Unlimited

Our fine herbs are all angiospermous,
And are poured on you out of a thermos.
If you'll kindly stay placid,
While enduring the acid,
They'll remove what is left of your dermis.
--- Anon

It's a quarter past ten in the morn
Of the twenty-first day that young Dawn
Has been pushing and panting
And wailing and ranting;
Will Timothy ever be born?
--- Anon

I have had my medical check
On all those things below my neck.
The doc took my blood
But that was a dud;
Bloodletting just makes me a wreck.
--- Anon

The breast screening unit's come near,
And my wife got a note saying, "Dear
Madam, Will you come
And then we can pum-
mell you, as we should every year."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"In your local hospital, the van
By keen volunteers is manned;
We won't hurt you much,
As your bosoms are crushed;
It's a pain that most people can stand."
--- Tiddy Ogg

By volunteers MANNED, so they say.
I'll apply for the job right away.
And if they are hurt,
They'll need comfort and nurt-
uring. Why, for that I would pay.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It's the yearly tit smashing I hate;
It looks like cow tongue on a plate.
My heads twisted around;
I can't make a sound.
(Reminds me, I'm nigh a year late.)
--- Karen

If doctors have been turning you red
From embarrassment, toes to head,
At half the cost ladies,
I'd be happy as hades
To squeeze you and poke you instead.
--- MrMalo

His systolic was two hundred three;
Diastolic was forty. The fee
For this blood pressure spread
Was a stroke in the head,
On account of the too-wide BP. (blood pressure)
--- Carol June Hooker

A CAT scanner slices and dices
Your innards. Those magic devices
Us X-rays to see
Your insides in 3-D,
While a cat scanner's useful for mices.
--- Anon

A cervical smear makes one blush.
To wish that the doctor would rush,
We lie on our backs.
They say, "Just relax,
While I stick my big tool up your brush."
--- Nini Poo

Alex went to the medics in pain,
He was limping and using a cane.
They asked how he felt,
He replied "How much gelt?"
He received a cheap shot in a vein.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Dear Chuck paid a visit today
To the eye-doctor two miles away.
No, it's not 'cause of sex
That he thinks he needs specs,
For he's kept his mind off it since May.
--- Anon

"So Chuck, will you look at this chart?
Read the letters. When ready, please start
At the top if you may."
Chuck looked up and said, "A?"
"Why that's great Chuck; it proves that you're smart."
--- Anon

"Line 2. Now just concentrate, eh?"
Beaming broadly dear Chuck said, "O K."
"Why your eyesight's not bad",
Said the doctor, "Now lad;
Will you tackle line 3? Hello Fay."
--- Anon

"Who's Fay?" "My assistant on duty."
"She's nice." "Yes she is; she's a beauty;
But Chuck, will you read
Me line 3." "Yes indeed;
Hello Fay." "Hello Chuck." "You're A Q T."
--- Anon

"Good heavens, dear Chuck, you're a star!"
"O I M M I?" "Chuck, that's too far;
That's line 5. I implore
You, please read me line 4."
"N E B R?" "Of course here, you are."
--- Anon

"A Budweiser! Yummy!" "OK;
If line 6 you can read me today
You may go; but remember,
Come back in November."
Or guess L B C N U A?"
--- Anon

This is what the doctor does best.
He waits 'til you're partly undressed
And with a hand that's like ice,
He doesn't think twice,
As he places it onto your chest.
--- Edwin J Weinstein P9601 X

There was a tired surgeon named Ratzoff,
Who practice was cutting fat pratzoff;
Ectomized the vast rear
From old lady McBeer,
And cried, "What a job...I'm glad thatzoff!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 353 P8305X

A desperate hooker named Sheila
Ran ads in the Cleveland Pain Dealer:
"From belly to knees,
Girl wracked with disease,
In need of an able faith healer."
--- Armand E Singer 327

An unsatisfied wife from Madrid
Took fertility pills, that she did --
An action constructive
But all too productive;
Now she has to do in her ninth kid.
--- Armand E Singer 521

My doctor's a comical cut-up.
When he's gotten a woman's bare butt up
On his table; he'll frown
And stroke her soft down
Until he's gotten his own you-know-what up!
--- Lance Payne P8305

My doctor said, "No cigarette --
That's the worst habit that you can get!"
So in a fit of choking,
I did quit smoking --
But he wasn't through with me yet.
--- Kaylin X

He then really gave me the blues,
When he insisted on, "No more booze!"
He started me thinking,
And so, I quit drinking --
But then I heard him accuse:
--- Kaylin X