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Why did H Higgins raise such a fuss,
Re: speech errors he thought ominous,
When as an act of faith
Many Brits drop the H,
But add Rs where they're superfluous?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0202

They tell you that memory plays tricks,
But they are a bunch of dumb pricks.
I saw My Fair Lady
With Iola...no Sadie,
Way back in about '66.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Eliza sold flowers in the street,
Though dirty she looked rather sweet,
Till old Henry Higgins
Came, showed her his big 'un,
And swept the gal right off her feet.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Back home, she gets thrown in the tub,
His housekeeper gives her a scrub,
While Henry keeps watch,
His hand on his crotch,
And is giving himself a good rub.
--- Tiddy Ogg

And next, in a manner unchivalrous,
The takes her in a manner lascivious.
As does his friend, Charley,
Who roars like a Harley,
To her vain protestations, oblivious.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He now tries to teach her to speak,
In Portuguese, Spanish and Greek.
And though she's half killed
With study, she's skilled
Enough so that after a week...
--- Tiddy Ogg

...He sends her off down to the docks,
To rent out her pussy to cocks;
To foreign ship's crews,
Who'll ply her with booze,
And rubles, and doubloons,...and pox.
--- Tiddy Ogg

So now, e're her face gets too pocky,
He takes her away from the dock. He
Takes her to the races,
At Ascot and places;
A bet she's the finest cock jockey.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Whereat Lizzie wins the Gold Cup;
The tart all the studs want to tup.
And now, total farce,
For some silly arse
Goes and weds her, the randy young pup.
--- Tiddy Ogg

For though he's the brain of a sieve,
To the strains of "The Street Where You Live",
His troth, it is plighted,
But soon ain't delighted
At all the diseases she'll give.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Now folks, I admit it has been
A long time that's passed since I've seen
That flick, but you'll note,
That this that I've wrote,
Is just what you'll see on the screen.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Through details above, you may sift,
You'll not see a comma adrift.
You see, I'm endowed
With a feature I'm proud.
My memory's perfect -- a gift!
--- Tiddy Ogg

Twenty thousand leagues under the C
Known as middle, as deep as can be;
Paint Your Wagon's best bar
Song called Wanderin' Star
Was intoned by a Marvin called Lee!
--- Prof M-G TP9901

There was a young girl called Nicole,
Who, after years, went on the dole.
She did not realize
That with her lovely eyes,
She'd make Broadway in a starring role!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

The characters odd of Sam Beckett,
Are dreary and dull but can't check it.
In bins and in sand,
They eternally stand,
And meaning and sense, why they wreck it.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

It's naughty young Lisa, I vow,
In front of that pantomime cow;
Behind in a lather
Of sweat, is her father
Who's tempted to give her a plough.
--- Anon

It looks a ridiculous sight,
On stage in the brilliant light;
But all of the kiddies,
And little old biddies,
Are cheering with all of their might.
--- Anon

'Cept wee little Jimmy m'lad,
Who's driving his family mad,
By shouting out shrilly,
"That cow's got a willy!"
In spite of a smack from his dad.
--- Anon

Two tramps for Godot were waiting,
The dullness of life demonstrating.
The boredom so bad,
They easily had
The audience participating.
--- Nicol Mackintosh

The skilled stage electrician, Joe Mott,
Loved a Burlesque Stripper named Dot.
He could light up a patch
Just the size of her snatch,
With his carbon-arc, irised-down spot.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9712

Here's a quote from an actress named Hart,
Who was quizzed on her X-rated start:
"Since the star's giant prick
Measured three inches thick,
I began with a challenging part!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

While playing the lead role in Lear,
And actor (decidedly queer)
Found vast satisfaction
Whenever the action
Directed was, 'Enter from rear'.
--- Norm Storer P9712a

On stage was a musical play.
On a swing, o'er the audience did sway
A girl. There were roars,
Just one time, of applause,
She'd left off her panties that day.
--- Anon

Of the girl on the swing, lemme sing;
Showed off a lil' estatic zing;
In the spotlight's glare,
Soft hair in the air;
My bird! Lil' bush-tit takes wing!
--- Anon

Said Oscar winner Sally McNair
My innermost thoughts I must bare.
To be perfectly fair,
This Oscar I share
With my boobs and my round derriere.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0508

I'm cast to act nude in a skit,
However, I'm nervous a bit,
Because my huge cock
Will dangle and knock
Around in the orchestra pit.
--- Travis Brasell

Then my dear, you had better not go,
For young lady trumpeter, Flo
May well catch your swell
In her instrument bell,
And try then to suck and not blow.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Or worse, when the cymbals have clashed,
You may find your manhood real mashed,
And rendered much flatter
Than old pancake batter,
And hopes of fresh pleasures are dashed.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Well, now you're as nigh as astute
As the girl who played fugues on her flute,
And who, with astonishment
Gave me this admonishment,
"Go stuff your long dong in your boot!"
--- Travis Brasell

The mallet that swung at the gong,
Instead crushed his huge dangling dong.
That musical glitch
Uplifted the pitch
Of Travis's long schlong swan song.
--- RanDog

An aspiring young actor called Kirk,
Says he's paid very well for his work.
When asked what's his forte,
He replies that it's naughty,
And looks at his co-star with smirk.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Act two made conservatives frown
As a man appeared wearing a gown.
Their faces turned grey
Because during the play,
Not only the curtain went down.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0212

There was no performance today;
But a couple who danced in the play
With trouble are flirtin',
'Cause in front of the curtain,
They're having their own matinee.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0212

This is file mom

An actor, though caught in his drawers,
Went on lovemaking without a pause.
Though the husband cried, "Nay!"
He performed through the day
And finished to grudging applause.
--- Limericks for John P9710a

The quite shapely young actress, Voncielle,
Changing costumes would publicly peel.
From this, one might assume
There was no dressing room.
Wrong, Voncielle just revealed with great zeal.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9712

There once was an actress from Georgia,
Who thought she was Lucretia Borgia.
Hard times were the norm,
Till she took them by storm,
With a sex show that would have floored ja.
--- MrMalo

In one of the stage's great stunts,
A pair of fine actors, the Lunts,
Played Lear in the nude;
But the audience booed --
And it was performed only once.
--- Norm Storer P9812

Said the quickwitted, bigbellied German,
An adulterous playwright named Herman:
"I tickle them pink
With my feathers and ink,
And then I make love while they're squirmin'".
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309

The show was an instant success;
It got wonderful praise in the press.
Big boobs and bare butts
Drove the male critics nuts,
Though the plot was a terrible mess.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0212

There was really no need to coerce a
Young actress to stay and rehearse a
Scene loaded with sex,
Because what they did next,
Is why they both came and vice versa.
--- Pierce Evans

When Louis Quartorze's sun had set,
A new kind of painting we'd get'
Watteau and Boucher
Showed nobles at play
In very theatrical set.
--- Chris Papa

The outlines of hands in the caves,
The piercing of aurochs with staves,
Were meant to kill time,
Surrounded by lime,
Awaiting the pass of cold waves.
--- Chris Papa

The odd flying buttress supports,
The thick heavy walls of all sorts,
Allowing arch tall
So more light can fall,
In churches' darkest inner courts.
--- Chris Papa

In Babylon where it was at,
They built structures called ziggurat;
The temple assembled
In this day resembled
Crazy Frank Lloyd Wright's old hat.
--- Chris Papa

Sal Dali's weird mustache, it seems,
Was stuff of surrealist's dreams,
Where time pieces wilt
And Freudian guilt
Runs deep in the subconscious' streams.
--- Chris Papa

Manet's "Lunch in Grass", a big deal,
At time, produced art scandal real.
Fete chapetre rated.
With nudes quite updated,
That gave it a salacious feel.
--- Chris Papa

The bold strokes of Van Gogh appear
To bring all his subjects quite near.
It's too bad he flipped,
For the razor slipped
And sliced off his most famous ear.
--- Chris Papa

H. Bosch was for fantasy art,
The painter who gave it good start,
The surrealists owe
A debt to this Joe,
Who played founding father's big part.
--- Chris Papa

Parthenon, whose long column stand
At the top of Acropolis grand,
With large statue graced,
Minerva was placed,
To be seen by adoring band.
--- Chris Papa

Duchamps and a few of his pals,
Outdid the extreme surree-als,
With grins on their faces,
They hung in high places,
Old bikes and upturned urinals.
--- Chris Papa

Picasso and Brazue looked anew
At forms from unique point of view;
So ladies on stairs
Looked like broken chairs,
While animal horns up and grew.
--- Chris Papa

The flat figures in two dimensions
Recall deaths of kings and ascensions,
With two right, left feet,
Odd eyes on face neat,
Their singular artistic pretensions.
--- Chris Papa

Adieu, to dear Art 105,
The teacher did certainly strive,
To light up the class,
And to students pass,
The flame that keeps culture alive!
--- Chris Papa

When artists in wares do pretend
To know just how the world should bend,
Even Picasso
Will find the Sargasso
Rises up to kick his ascend.
--- Chris Papa

Academy Awards, if you will,
Often do things that make one feel ill;
Making men seeming strong
Who could never go wrong,
But most are more like a daffodil.
--- Tom Patton P0305

When Academy Awards are given out,
Recipients narcissistically shout:
"Hey people, look at me!
I'm pretty as can be;
My performances you cannot live without."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0305

When Academy Awards are given out
The female winners figuratively shout:
"Hey look, you country rubes!
Check out my legs and boobs;
I'm what your fantasies are about."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0305

This fellow just can't help resemblin'
A big oafish Soviet gremlin.
But abandon your grudge,
If you're Russian to judge,
For I hear he's the Creme-de-la-Kremlin.
--- Larry Hollister

Watching "April in Paris" on screen,
Don't you wonder if Putman's so green,
'Cause the Scarecrow he was
In the Wizard of Oz,
Left some straw where his brains should have been.
--- Anon

The planets were oddly aligned,
When a man made a most bizarre find.
He found a small door,
That led straight to the core
Of a popular thespian's mind.
--- Anon

We need to bring to the screen
A Bible tale, both lewd and clean.
Patricidal strife,
A slice of life
With Jezebel sexy and mean.
--- Jim Jambor P9012

'Apocalypse Now and Then'
A 1991 Top Ten.
Himself with Brando clone
With gestures Corleone
And wears a torn T-shirt again.
--- Irving Superior P9012

After eating baked beans, Arnold grinned
In the gym on the bar where he chinned.
"Stop Schwartznegger," they gasped
As he noisly rasped.
He's a bad case of 'Brawn With The Wind'.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9012

"Brokeback Mountain" has made John campaign,
'Gainst all cowboys who like Quiche Lorraine;
And to reach consensus,
John Miller AND Texas,
Watched it over and over again.
--- Anon

"Brokeback" is off like a comet!
To view it would trash my aplomb. It
Would cause me to roam
To the old people's home,
To watch all the old ladies vomit.
--- Anon

Casablanca, for those on the lam,
Was where their real troubles began.
Poor Rick was misled;
His girlfriend was wed.
So he drank and said, "Play again, Sam."
--- Arthur Deex P8409


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