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"Your cholesterol's way too high -- I've tried to do my doctor's bidding, Immortality, there's no denying, There once was a man with a groan, A doctor who lived in Marseilles A young soldier from North Adelaide, A vicious old doctor named Boggs The medicine man was a hoot. I feel sorry for young Dr. Dow. The man who writes fuck is a jerk; The prostate's a funny old gland The farther that the finger goes, I'm glad I don't have one of those, A cervical smear's not so great. Now my husband's a handsome old stud, My husband's a hunk, you can bet, Well now, with a little reflection, Indeed I'd be quite ill at ease Now that sure sounds pretty dumb, An American guy, Cyrus Flood, There was an old Doctor named Couie, Though devoid of all sensual stroking, An A.M.A. doctor named Bruce There once was a doctor who said, A performance artiste name of Hannah, I once knew a religious nurse, There are some R.N.'s, I confess, A medic who served at Fort Ord Fred's catheter tubing hung down, When working at home, there are few They seem to get younger each day, A mysterious visiting nurse DEBRIDEMENT of source of infection I worked as a nurse in I C U; We'd soak them in Ivory Snow, That job convinced me, you see, To care for those stricken with gout, The nurses, I say, make it shorter; But here is one thing that is worse, When I was a young nurse's aide, "The thrill of my life," said Miss Ghant, The patient in Room 201 Brunhilde, a Munich-born nurse A medical student named Jones Most nurses, however exquisite Little Bob has just a small fetish; Said the clergyman once to the nurse, Being sound of both mind and of body, When the monitor showed runs of V-tach, (tachycardia) I anticipate early bloodclotting, Nurse, I imagine you stripping I'm steaming because of the heat There was an old nurse named Jane, Young nurses can give the impression, With nurses you can't take a chance A nurse motivated by spite, We can't let your fleshy tube ruin -- To ease your fleshy turmoil, "Who am I?" asked Jeff the Charge Nurse. Nurse Jeff into Archie's room barged; A nurse of miserable meanness Nurses in the hospital hall I once met a naughty young nurse, Appendectomy patient, James Dare, Now tell you I must, of Nurse Maud, And then mini-skirted Nurse Shuler;
Stop eating fried foods, or you'll die!"
So I quit like he said;
I eat veggies instead --
(Or at least, I usually try!)
--- Kaylin X
But he's gone too far -- I'm not kidding!
The thing he said next
Was "You must give up sex!"
This time, it's the doctor I'm quitting!
--- Kaylin X
Would certainly be satisfying.
So now and forever
I vow to endeavor
To continue to live, or die trying.
--- Jerry Nordal P2005
Who produced such a melodious tone,
That folks far and near
Would at his bedside appear,
While he trumpeted his passage of stone.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Invented a new kind of X-ray.
You've heard of Cat Scan?
Well this brilliant man
Has developed 'Le Scan Pousse'.
--- Arthur Deex P8306
Went to courses to learn some first aid.
A hero he ain't;
At times he felt faint,
Passing out on his final parade.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Made love potions out of broiled dogs
And leeches and vultures
Plus various cultures
Of germs from the recta of frogs.
--- Armand E Singer 286
He was wearing his birthday suit.
He served me roach tea,
And he waved some gris gris.
Then he boldly displayed his big root.
--- Al Willis TP9806
Our ladies won't go to him now.
When examining the parts
Of Mrs. Ray Hartz,
He should have said "Hmmmm" and not "Wow!"
--- John Ciardi X
He's suspected of having a quirk.
But the doctor is great
For he writes copulate,
And is paid very well for his work.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2134X
And to check it the doc puts his hand
Into surgical gloves;
Then a finger he shoves
Up you...What? (I'm not feeling too grand.)
--- Peter Wilkins
The more you'll begin to suppose
If you had a chance
At classical dance,
You'd stand higher yet on your toes.
--- Frank Fazed
But we have it much worse I suppose.
Every three years
We have vaginal smears;
Quite unpleasant as fingering goes.
--- Jane
But consider my poor husbands state;
Without medication,
If he starts urination,
At noon, he can't finish till eight.
--- Jane
But due to said prostate, his pud
Needed good old Viagra.
Now it flows like Niagara.
He certainly's not any dud!
--- Jane
But he read what I wrote on the net,
'Bout the trials of his pud.
Now my name is mud,
And my conjugal rights I can't get.
--- Jane
You might come to see the connection.
How you would be feeling
Had he come here squealing
Of your recurring yeast infection?
--- Tiddy Ogg
To see posts of my pussy disease.
But he has displayed
Shots of us getting laid,
And some other obscene jpg's,
--- Jane
Your nude pics in the hands of us scum.
What were you thinking?
You must have been drinking!
Reckon you might send me some?
--- MrMalo
Made his income from selling his blood.
At a recent transfusion
He caused some confusion;
All they found in the syringe was pure mud.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who said to his patients, "J'ai vouie
To cure all your ills
Without any pills;
You just think yourself well -- that's the new way!"
--- Bob Scott
You ought to be used to the poking
And all the tit squeezing;
Though not very pleasing,
One day just might keep you from croaking.
--- MrMalo
Tells patients to try self-abuse.
"It helps your celerity,
Improves your dexterity,
And no chance you'll sire a papoose."
--- Armand E Singer 314
"Far too many sick folk die in bed.
There's no deadlier place
And to rescue the race,
I suggest using armchairs instead."
--- Towanbucket
Did her gig with a metallic banana.
With it in position,
She'd show the condition,
With the help of a fluoroscope scanna'.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who kept holy water in her purse.
When giving sponge baths,
She'd risk patient's wrath,
When from purse some HW she'd asperse.
--- Norm Brust
About their patients, they couldn't care less.
They only got their degree
To catch an M.D.
And thus become an MRS.
--- Kaylin
Had earned the Great Bushwhacker Sword.
Right after Pearl Harbor,
They made him a barber
Up in the maternity ward.
--- P8305
Off the bed, barely clearing the ground.
Then his nurse, Cindy-Lou,
Hooked the tube with her shoe.
Fred's yell was heard all over town!
--- Betty Ann Cassano
Real distractions apart from the view
That I have of the street,
Watching nurses petite
Go to work and return from it too.
--- Peter Wilkins
As they giggle and walk with a sway
Of their hips in their short
Little uniforms taut...
But it's "Hi Gramps!" I fear they may say.
--- Peter Wilkins
Made all of her rounds in a hearse;
If a patient had died,
She could give them a ride.
'Twas believed that she carried a curse.
--- Cap'n Bean P0211
Relies on injury detection,
And nurses, not bride,
There at the bedside
To reduce some pain with injection.
--- Daniel Ford
This is file mol
Debridement I dreaded to do.
The patient would scream
Just like a bad dream,
As I cut away skin and goo!
--- Maggie
And they looked upon us as Foe.
Burn victims so sad,
They thought we were bad!
Mean nurses...they thought we were so!
--- Maggie
To burn is a nightmare for me.
I'll never forget
Each victim I met;
That fate...I would not rather be!
--- Maggie
To soothe the fear and the doubt.
'Twas her ambition, she
Always wanted to be
A nurse, but it didn't pan out.
--- VOL 6 x
It's plain that they're just out of order.
They shave all your parts
(And that really smarts!)
And always with very cold water.
--- Al Willis x
If to medical things you're adverse:
Catheterization!
Quite a sensation.
Insertion is... well, Good Night Nurse!
--- Irish
I made sure that the beds were all made.
With a face staying deadpan,
I emptied each bedpan,
The passed out the warm lemonade.
--- Naomi J Kahn
"When I think of it, it makes me pant.
Memories of that thrill
Remain with me still.
An enema by my cross-eyed aunt!"
--- Clarence E Boyle P9011 x
Was not having very much fun.
The big nurse was so rough
With the enema stuff,
He now has a very sore bun.
--- Julia Strawn P8812
Has occasion to do the perverse
To princes and rubes
With her enema tubes.
They call her the Teutonic Curse.
--- LaDonna Jones P8503
Learned all about all of the bones;
The muscles, the senses,
The nerves, and the menses,
And the nurses' erogenous zones.
--- Laurence Perrine P9409
Their virginal looks, are explicit
'Bout bodily functions
And sexual conjunctions.
I wonder, please tell me, why is it?
--- Peter Wilkins
With nurses he's just slightly pettish.
He fantasizes of hips
And ruby red lips,
With smiles that are down right coquettish.
--- Anon
"I prayed that things wouldn't get worse.
But my thoughts were not Holy
When you stuck in that Foley
And I struggled to stifle a curse."
--- Jeff Purser x
Though a little bit feeble and dotty,
I leave all my money
To that sweet little honey,
The nurse who helps me to the potty.
--- Anon
The nurse gave Joe's sternum a whack.
With a look of surprise,
Old Joe opened his eyes.
Then he said, "My, it's good to be back!"
--- Betty Ann Cassano
Stat Heparin...inject quite alot in
'Til red-river is thinned
And bloodthoughts are finned
To surf the brainwaves -- not get caught in.
--- Judy Grimes P9912
And feel that my pulse is a-skipping
A beat, and my breathing
Is heavy. I'm seething
With lust; can you guess what I'm gripping?
--- Peter Wilkins
And I'm making a tent of this sheet.
Will you strip off your gown
And come bounce up and down
On my meat till my treatment's complete?
--- Peter Wilkins
Who wasn't terribly sane.
She had a strange vice;
She gave enemas of ice,
Which made all the patients complain.
--- Robbi
Because of their chosen profession,
Of being au fait
In an intimate way
With a gentleman's private possession.
--- Peter Wilkins
Because they can sure tell at a glance,
The state of your health,
The size of your wealth,
And what's going on in your pants.
--- Archie x
Tied her infantile charge to a kite.
She launched it with ease
On the afternoon breeze,
And watched till it flew out of sight.
--- Edward Gorey
It's okay -- I know what I'm doin' --
In your situation,
Some light lubrication
Will soon have you pitchin' and wooin'.
--- Kaylin
I'll warm up this sweet-smelling oil.
Then apply it, like so --
Gosh, look at it grow!
This moment we don't want to spoil.
--- Kaylin
"Each day now it seem a bit worse.
I stand up to pee:
A male I must be,
With wallet and never a purse."
--- Archie
"The tests show your cock is enlarged,
So I'm here to treat
Your poor swollen meat,
And afterwards, you'll be discharged!"
--- Travis Brasell
Was told the prescribed intravenous
Was always for healing
And not to leave reeling.
The pricks she would prick on the penis.
--- David A Brooks
Are clearly ignoring your call.
Though they hear you quite well,
When you tickle your bell,
They seem to be having a ball.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who let me scrape blade 'round her purse.
She said, "All is fair,
I know you hate hair."
In fact I felt none for the wurst.
--- H Welchel
Asked a nurse-aide to shave him down there.
She put up resistance
By keeping her distance.
She knew what lay waiting down there.
--- David A Brooks
The scourge of the surgical ward;
She'll feed you foul potions,
Apply stinging lotions,
And give painful tugs to your cord.
--- Tiddy Ogg x
When she's near you, you can't keep your cooler.
But she'll see your tent
Pole arise, then's hell-bent
On slapping it down with a ruler.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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