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There was an in-patient named Marce, That pre-op nurse is HARBINGER, Reviewing the charts is a pain. A high school nurse, I was this week. Now the word is out in the school: Many a crotch have I shaved; "My first love," said Rambo Stallone, Rectal temps? I've done quite a few, I've promised my therapist (curses) I've talked to the shrink about Liz, ...Was a sexual surrogate; would "How the hell would that help me," I said, For you see she's that evil Nurse Cratchitt; Doctor's orders, concise and specific, I live near a hospital, so And when, after work, I get back, Weekends are OK, for I find When first I espied your sweeet face, A young fellow, the star of this verse, You may or may not be aware Most gorgeous is virginal Kay But why can't she practice on me? Thus 'injured', she couldn't ignore; It is stupid to call it a binge; The "Heaven's Awaiting You" care For Debbie, at bath-time's, aware But tough when it's Claire's turn to wash 'em; With patient and loving good will, Young John is the nurse with the grin; I choked and called out to the nurse, Some people have all of the luck ...You in as you sense her warm breath, She marched in all frowny and jowly, When that was all done, she hissed, "Son, This was a bit much, you'll agree... She grabbed it; I started my stream, Because of where Tom had his calluses, Said a starchy and proper young nurse, Some nurses, though are evil witches. Nancy Taylor, a registered nurse, If you thrive on conditions adverse, When giving your patients an assist, Before giving meds and IV's, Give unusual orders a check. There was a young nurse named McCord, When a doctor writes orders and notes There once was a Nurse named Cratchett, Water or ice on the floor When I'm Mrs. Nurse, starched and pressed -- If I'm ever ill, you're elected, Come here -- let me see that, dear Frank -- The sweetest of nurses is Kate; Does she hang upside-down from the ceiling? Our Kate is a practising nurse If you asked if she liked back door boffin' An amorous writer of verses, Getting orders reversed was the foil This nurse, like a blonde Olive Oyl, To the doctor went old Mr. Frick, Claimed a nurse, as she pulled up his shirt, When a "sundowner's" tucked in for the night, A booze-impaired patient named Ted If you waken a patient at night, When you move beds with your chums, A patient was looking quite down. A nurse said, "I wish I was dead, man. As a nurse, Florence Nightingale led
Who said, "Nurse, this ward is a farce.
Can I swap my bed
For the kitchen, instead?"
And the nurse mumbled "Pain in the arse!"
--- Chris Young
A personal calm infringer,
Who'll shave near your crotch,
Then move on to botch
Butt jab, as painful syringer.
--- Chris Papa
Poor handwriting gives me eyestrain.
By the end of the shift
What I need is a lift,
Not further assault on my brain.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I am GARRULOUS, as I speak.
They arrived en masse,
Trying to skip class.
My sympathy, they did seek.
--- Maggie
"The nurse is a softy...How cool!
She'll write us a note!
We have a sore throat."
The really think I am a fool!
--- Maggie
I always used soap. Patients raved!
The butts that I stabbed
Were so gently jabbed,
Their road to recovery -- well paved!
--- Maggie
"Was my liberal nanny, Miss Stone.
She taught me to crawl,
To suckle, to ball;
Ain't nothing she didn't condone."
--- Mark Levy P9309
Enemas, and impaction checks too;
Hernia inspection,
Or plain old injections --
Nurses start at the bottom, it's true.
--- Spuddie
I'll make no more mention of nurses.
I'm awful annoyed
'Cause my brain is devoid
Of ideas for my limerick verses.
--- Peter Wilkins
(Though embarrassed to mention the fizz
That according to Freud,
I could have well enjoyed)
And my shrink said a sister of his...
--- Peter Wilkins
I be interested? "Yes," I said, "Could
You arrange for a session
Of passionate flesh on...?"
He said, "Yes, she's a nurse and she's good."
--- Peter Wilkins
"To get rid of these thoughts in my head?
Oh my God, I'll succumb;
Will she help me to come?"
He said, "No, but she'll slap you instead."
--- Peter Wilkins
Don't dare to suggest that she scratch it.
Don't fiddle about
For she'll certainly shout
And will probably try to detach it.
--- Peter Wilkins
Written clearly, no one hieroglyphic,
Could be read with great ease.
All the nurses were pleased.
They all thought that he was terrific.
--- Betty Ann Cassano
I see nurses each day as I go
Off to work and I greet
Them with, "Hello, I'm Pete;
Shall we meet up tonight for a hoe?"
--- Anon
I am frequently met by a pack
Of young nurses who say,
"Can we come in and play?"
But I'm often too knackered, alack.
--- Anon
That the stresses of work have declined.
So it's during the week,
Your assistance I seek,
If you would be so awfully kind.
--- Anon
My heart began racing apace;
It started to pound
As I fell to the ground,
But the hospital nurses were ace.
--- Peter Wilkins
Got sick and turned steadily worse;
Which caused folks to worry
And get in a flurry;
Until he took a turn for the nurse.
--- Return of Limerick P0800
That I live near a hospital where
They give lovely lasses
Biology classes
And train them in patients and care.
--- Peter Wilkins
For she causes me trouser affray,
As she walks past my door
At a quarter to four,
At anatomy classes each day.
--- Peter Wilkins
I would teach her for gratis and free.
So I'm thinking perhaps
I'll pretend to collapse
As she walks down the road after tea.
--- Peter Wilkins
She'd offer assistance, I'm sure.
Then I'd groan and I'd moan
As I showed her my bone
Needed careful attention and more.
--- Peter Wilkins
The main line is not on the fringe.
Like the touch of your hand
As I untie the tube and
Pull blood back into the syringe.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Home has nurses called Debbie and Claire;
But Claire is a bitch
So the gentlemen itch
For the touch of young Debbie so fair.
--- Anon
How a gentleman's delicate pair
Of bollocks need soaping
With sensitive groping,
And stroking with infinite care.
--- Anon
With bleach, undiluted, she'll splosh 'em,
Then scrub 'em with loofahs
Or pan-scouring doofahs
And quite comprehensively squash 'em.
--- Anon
The nurses their duties fulfill!
They wake you from sleep,
No matter how deep,
To give you the prescribed sleeping pill.
--- Laurence Perrine Lib Lim
As needles and tubes he sticks in
To arms and bare bums,
And sometimes your tums,
While ogling the new nurse Robyn.
--- Anon
"Oh, hurry, I am feeling worse!"
"Hey, put down your head --
You're not worse, you're dead!
I've already called for the hearse."
--- Marlene Lewis x
A nurse with young parts all so suck-
ably sweet;
You can feel the heat
Rise as she leans over to tuck...
--- Tutta Gioia
When she whispers and winks, "Hi, I'm Beth..."
But I had a crone
(A good 15 stone)
As mean as old Lady MacBeth.
--- Tutta Gioia
Her breeath it was rank, fetid, and bowely.
She whipped off the sheet,
Rammed home that "Fleet"
Enema, cackling most fouly.
--- Tutta Gioia
This is file mnl
Now for some really good fun.
While I razor your pubes,
You massage my boobs...
Your chores have just only begun."
--- Tutta Gioia
So I thought, and then said, "I must pee..."
I hoped to escape;
I fear old-crone-rape,
But she smirked, "I will hold it...He he."
--- Tutta Gioia
In her fat-folded eyes was a gleam.
I jerked fast away,
In her face aimed the spray,
Then fled her perverted regime.
--- Tutta Gioia
The doctor prescribed urinalysis.
The nurse read his chart
Then shouted, "Let's start!
I'm Alice and now you're in Alice's".
--- Irving Superior P8305
"My life has been plagued by a curse.
I was told by my pappa,
That sex was improper;
Now I find that abstaining is worse."
--- Isaac Asimov
Appendix removed, added stitches.
While washing this bloke,
They told many a joke.
Was in pain again. Horrible bitches!
--- Dirruk
Tends patients who get well or get worse.
She well knows if she slips
It's goodbye Mr. Chips,
And a trip in a Cadillac hearse.
--- Tom Patton x
Fatigue, blood, and pain and much worse,
High O.T., low pay,
Long nights and long days
With arrogant docs -- be a nurse!
--- Dr Limerick 05-07-01
Save your back. Avoid doing the twist.
Beg, plead, or yelp,
But round up some help.
Keep your name off the casualty list.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Be sure to check patient IDs.
For the patient ahead
May be in the wrong bed,
While the right one could be absentee.
--- Betty Ann Cassano x
Confirm them; make sure they're correct.
It's OK to give rein
And make use of your brain.
Remember, it's your license and neck.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who worked in a hospital ward.
She got forty a week
And no more did she seek,
For she said that she got her (w)hole board. (bored?)
--- Albin Chaplin
And you can't figure out what he wrote,
Just be very firm.
Confront the big worm,
And shove each worthless page down his throat!
--- Betty Ann Cassano
Who's fist worked just like a rachet.
She could wrench your guts,
While tightening your nuts,
And if you had an itch, she would scratch it!
--- Kaylin Brandon
Are things you should never ignore.
The words you recite
May not be polite
When you land on your posterior.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Patients and colleagues are impressed
By my nursing skill;
If you're ever ill,
Just call upon me -- I'm the best!
--- Kaylin Brandon
With neither persona rejected,
To give me great care
From head to down there.
'Til then, dear, does this look infected?
--- Frank
It's all read and swollen, your shank.
Just what I suspected,
It isn't infected --
You just gave it too hard a yank!
--- Kaylin
Her neatness, in verses, narrate;
But give her a chance
To get in your pants,
Completely diverse her fellate.
--- Randog
Does her tongue on your gland send you reeling?
Diversity's groovy
(Just like a porn movie).
For me, it brings sexual healing!
--- Randog
And most of her comments are terse;
But I'll not upset her
Or feel up her sweater --
I don't want a rid in a hearse.
--- Archie
Or if a threesome's in the offin',
Would her smile be demure
As she answered you "Sure!"
Or would you end up in a coffin?
--- Randog
Was specially enamoured of nurses;
But he found each advance
In pursuit of romance
Met only with starchy reverses.
--- Harold C Bibby x
Of a nurse on the ward, dumb Miss Coyle.
Things came to a head
Claimed her boss Dr. Shedd
When he told her to prick a man's boil.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9003X
On the hospital night shift did toil;
With a kettle ('twas steaming)
Woke a patient up screaming;
The doc yelled: "No! No! Prick the boil!"
--- Anon
And the nurse said, "Lie down, you look sick.
"Tell me, what can I do
Till the doc can see you?"
So he asked her to suck on his prick.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0812
"This won't hurt," in a manner quite curt.
Said the patient, with rue,
"Don't know what I'd do,
If she said that it really would hurt!"
--- Sam Chen
Be sure that his posey's tied tight.
Or he'll wander around
Till he finally falls down,
And an incident report you must write.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Refused to be tied to the bed.
The nurse said in part,
"The belt, you old fart,
Prevents falling and hitting your head!"
--- Betty Ann Cassano
Be gentle, don't give him a fright.
Stand back from the bed.
If he's out of his head,
He might try to punch out your light.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Be kind to your knuckles and thumbs.
Tuck them safely inside
'Cause the doors aren't too wide.
And smashed hands are quite cumbersome.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"What's up," asked the nurse with a frown.
"That orderly's bi;
He gives me the eye;
And I don't have a back to this gown."
--- Anon
I'm going quite out of my head, man.
I once had a date
With the head doctor's mate,
Now I'm permanent here, cleaning bedpans.
--- Anon
All others, with skill so inbred,
And great care she would take,
With each patient she'd make
Without even disturbing the bed.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9407
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